Back to square one

HereIgoagain

About two years ago I was seeing this guy. We had been going out for some time and at the beginning everything seemed perfect. We got on great. Texted frequently everyday. Met up a few times a week. After a couple of months he told me that he loved me which I know was very quick but at the time I felt the same - I was head over heels. But then things started to fall apart. He told me he needed space that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I was devastated but I tried to respect his wishes and stopped texting him to give him what he asked for. But then he texted me that why wasn't I talking to him. That obviously I didn't love him and if I couldn't respect his wishes there was no point going on with the relationship. I was confused as I thought I was doing what he asked. The next day he texted that he wanted to try again. That he loved me, wanted to marry me and adopt my daughter and that he would treat her like his own. I was relieved and agreed to get back together. But this pattern of wanting space and dumping me then taking me back continued over and over. He started dumping me and then giving out to me for not fighting for him but forgiving me and taking me back. I let it happen I hold my hands up to that. But I thought he was the love of my life.

I suffer really badly with depression. After about six months of this it got really bad. I took an overdose. A couple of weeks later I tried to drive my car into the sea. I spent a few weeks in a psychiatric hospital. He refused to visit. He said he didn't like hospitals. He dumped me again by text when I was in there. Then took me back and 'forgave me' for hurting him (I said that I had talked about our relationship with a counsellor and he said that I had betrayed him by doing that).
Anyway after another 6 months and well over a year of going out I ended it. He texted a few times but then blocked me on Facebook and all the apps. I couldn't understand why he blocked me so I snooped on his page through a friend's account. A few days after we broke up he changed his status to in a relationship with this girl. I looked on her page and she had changed her status to in a relationship the week I was in hospital. She didn't say with who but talking about him to her friends I knew it was him. She was telling them how lovely he was and how much she loved him and that they'd meet him soon. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

That was all a year ago now. I've been doing well. My mental health has improved. My medication is gradually being reduced. I'm back to work. Last week I got a friend request from him. He had unblocked me on Facebook and sent me a message just saying hi. He's still with her going by his status. I just replied that I knew he met his girlfriend when he was with me and asked if she knew. He blocked me again and cancelled the friend request. But now I'm back to square one. I feel really low. It's like an old wound has been ripped open. I'm scared of how miserable I feel. Shouldn't I be over him by now? How long does it take?What can I do to stop myself thinking about him? I keep getting the urge to message her but I know that's a really bad idea. Any advice appreciated.

WIZWEB

He sounds like he would wreck anyones head. Your priority is your own wellbeing and mental health. He's playing you and at least one other lady. Puppets on a string. Looks like he gets his jollies off dictating emotional power and control over others. He's only interested in his own needs being met. Most likely she was lined up for 'relationship status' long before your hospital stay. Adults don't embrace such scenarios overnight. He callously dumped you while in hospital and probably guaranteed her commitment to him by officiating their 'relationship'. He's shown her no respect either now he's grown bored of her and hopes you'll be an easy return victim. Maybe she's even standing up to his crap and he's hoping you'll be an available target to play again. In essence he can possibly triangulate you both to promote his fake 'desirability'. Think about the damage this would do to anyone's mental health. This while encouraging one or both to get jealous of the other while you both chase after his crumbs. His egotistical needs will be met if you take the bait. He appears to desire any and all attention he can get from you, her and possibly anyone else. All while disregarding you the victims needs. Be sure you will be dropped again when he sources someone else or her again to put him on a pedestal. You've identified a regular cycle he uses of lovebombing, devaluation and discard. In extreme cases such headgames can create a trauma bond. Your instinct has successfully guided you to escape him. Heed its protective warning. Ask yourself what long-term damage might occur by being part of his future mindgames. You've already vulnerable mental health. Think of your daughter too (Sorry not trying to guilt you). Is he really worth dying for? A man whose actions already showed you he's not bothered either way. Go complete no contact in order to protect yourself. That means blocking/deleting his number and blocking him on all forms of social media and ignoring him in public. If you find it difficult to do this considering the disrespect you have been shown then get help to address possible codependency issues.

Katgurl

Oh my god what a horrible man. I am not surprised you are feeling low, he really did a number on you so him getting back in touch would drag all that up.

A few years ago i had an ott relationship like that - off and on, huge declarations, vanishing, couldn't live without me, kissing another woman etc. It is hard to keep your head straight when someone is constantly turning your world upside down. In the end my counsellor rang him and said he was damaging my health.

All i can say is time heals. I am with a lovely man now and wouldn't give that loser the time of day.

HereIgoagain

I think one of the reasons it's having such a bad effect on me is that it's making me remember how bad things were then and how completely alone I felt. I try not to think about all that stuff. The night I took the overdose my parents lost it with me. They were screaming and shouting at me calling me a stupid selfish b*th and other names, saying how terrible a mother I was to do that to my daughter. Anytime I tried to say anything my dad just told me to shut up. He drove me to the hospital and sat beside me for a few hours in stony silence and then left. And the night i was admitted to the psychiatric unit my dad dropped me there and I sat on my own in the emergency department all night with a security guard hovering over me until they could admit me. When I was in the hospital hardly anyone visited. I know I probably didn't deserve any better but it still felt bad.

And through all of it all he did was make me feel more worthless than I already did. He knew I was planning to drive into the sea because he texted me when I was on my way there and I told him. He didn't try to stop me. He didn't tell anyone. Just left me to get on with it. Then I see their faces and all the lovely comments on each other's pictures I feel like crap. After he blocked me on Facebook he popped up with a new account on Instagram as someone I might know. His profile was another picture of them which I blocked. But it just feels like he keeps popping up everywhere.

banoffe2

Please mind yourself OP, you have gone through so much and come so far, you have very good awareness which is good even if it is painful. Remember you deserve the best and every day you have choices, the only one we can and need to change is ourselves, we cannot change others.

Try to find something that brings you peace and joy even as a hobby, to help you sustain your mental health.

You have been through worse, you can and will get through this, stay strong, and keep reaching out XX

WIZWEB

OP you have mental health problems that are not your fault. So have a lot of people. Unfortunately and despicably you've been punished by your ex and your own family in different contexts here. Neither your parents shaming you or your ex ignoring your suicide attempt will help you or your daughter. Of course your parents were hurt by your actions but they would be everlastingly devastated if your suicide was successful. They need to work on their own behaviors.

It's support you need. AWARE for example among others offer individual and group support for depression. Work on your self-esteem and personal boundaries. There are groups, books, counselors and even YouTube videos that can help. Anyone including your own family have no right to abuse you verbally or otherwise. The last poster suggested seeking out hobbies which is a great idea. Find healthy distractions from your ex's games. Empower yourself.

Your ex will only keep engaging with you as long as you allow him. He'll grow bored eventually if you ALWAYS ignore him. Never ever respond to his or his proxies attempts to contact you. He can't win these sick games if you refuse to play As I speculated he's already triangulating you. This by using a fake account on Instagram with him and your replacement. She is/will be played too. Believe me he's fully aware of the detrimental effect all this is having on you.

lazybones32

If the old wound has been ripped open, it's time to clean it out. You're probably sick and tired of pain and feeling miserable but this wound will fester if you don't address it. Not what you want to hear but there you are...
Don't contact her or him. Let them be.

Activity is the key to avoid dwelling on a person but don't aim to never allowing yourself to think on it.

HereIgoagain

Thanks. I googled love bombing because I'd never heard if it before and it was really eye opening. I've spent the last while reading about it and narcissistic personalities and co dependency and can't believe how much it relates to him and me. It's hard to take that all the things he said and promised were about manipulation. I can't believe that someone could do that. I really believed he loved me and that he was just messed up. I was abused by a family friend when I was little and I knew that it affected my relationships with men. I always chose people who ended up being violent. When one of them raped me I didn't tell anyone because I knew that it was my fault because it's how all men treated me so it must have been something wrong with me. I just stopped having anything to do with them after that and focused on raising my daughter. Somehow he managed to get my guard down. It didn't occur to me what he did could be a kind of abuse.

WIZWEB

Hi OP. I'm very sorry to see that you were abused as a child and then raped as an adult. Such traumatic events would disempower and could destroy anyone. Tragically they often do. However even though set up to be a victim from an early age you still show great resilience. It comes as no shock that such extremes of violence would result in depression. Anger turned inwards. Remember you were a defenseless child and a man is most often much more physically stronger than a woman. The key strategy you need to focus upon is being a survivor. These vermin need to be emotionally disentangled from your conscience. Much easier said than done of course but appropriate professional therapy would help. Seeing the perpetrators punished for their crimes could also help and protect against there being more victims.Through all the hardship you manage to make a life and care for your daughter.

Toxic early life events continue to influence our adult interactions if not addressed. For example experiences of poor parenting or a serious violation during early childhood development often skew our later adult attachments. Early dysfunctional experiences becomes normalized and we remain attracted to such despicable characters. My own childhood experiences of physical, emotional and psychological abuse certainly set me up with the foundations to be 'attracted' to a violent alcoholic for eight years before leaving. Then there was the replacement for four years with the malignant narcissist. A few others over the years of thankfully lesser periods. I was a typical codependent! An enabler of self destruction. I believed that I wasn't 'good enough' so deserved such treatment! It's a continuous cycle, a self fulfilling prophecy in essence until we challenge and change our learned behaviors.

Yes initially learn all you can about toxic and narcisssistic personalities and their early red flags in order to avoid them. These people rarely if ever improve. At least we can! But don't become obsessed with them either. Healthily obsess about your own unfulfilled needs instead. Studies show that anywhere up to 10% of the general population are high on this NPD spectrum. Most are not physically violent though but are emotionally and psychologically crippling towards their victims. These experiences can be just as damaging and combined devastating. Once you've learned about these toxic types they become very easy to recognize. An average person rightfully runs a mile from these personality types. Unfortunately for us our earlier life experiences often gravitates us towards them and they towards us. The key piece though is to quickly move forward with your new understanding and learn about your needs. Developing prevention strategies and self protection are key survival tenets. As your self-esteem and self-worth grow they will act as natural boundaries. When you start liking yourself and respecting yourself you may even see some of that depression dissipate. Continuously work on a caring loving relationship with yourself. Protect and nourish that inner child. The best form of revenge you can have is living a successful and happy life.

HereIgoagain

WIZWEB wrote: »

Seeing the perpetrators punished for their crimes could also help and protect against there being more victims.

The family friend who abused me died when I was a teenager so he'll never have to pay for what he did. Everyone still thinks of him as a pillar of the community and remember him fondly. When I was in the hospital one of the counsellors suggested I go to his grave and tell him what I thought of him. Dance on it and spit on it if I felt like it. But the thought of doing that terrifies me. I know he can't do anything to me now but still the fear is there. Even today the sight or smell of the particular brand of sweets he used to keep in his pocket and give to me make my blood run cold. I can still smell them. Whenever I see them I'm back there. The smells and sensations are so real. And as for my ex I can't have my daughter know that her father did that to me. So I keep that to myself. Only my mam and one other person knows what happened.

WIZWEB wrote: »

I believed that I wasn't 'good enough' so deserved such treatment! It's a continuous cycle, a self fulfilling prophecy in essence until we challenge and change our learned behaviors.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do know what you mean. I have allowed men (a lot of men)to use me over the last few years as basically a warm body whenever they wanted. I believed their promises but was never really surprised when they vanished after they had gotten what they were looking for. And I knew that I deserved no better...that I was someway spoiled. And the ones that hung around I just kept giving them what they asked for...and the more this happened the lower and dirtier I felt.

Liking myself isn't something I can ever see happening. In future I think I'll go with my first instinct like I did when I found out I was pregnant and keep men at arms length. I managed for 13 years alone. I think I'll carry on like that. I know there's good men out there and I'm not saying that all men are bad like my exes or the men I've had dealings with. But none of the good ones seem to go for me.

And as for the person I started this thread about I think he's gotten what he wanted. He's back in my head again. I keep thinking about him and wondering why he can be so happy with her and not me. What can she give him that I cant? I believed him when he promised me that he loved me and would never hurt me. Pathetic. But I won't contact either of them. He'd probably make me out to be a lunatic if I did anyway.

Big Bag of Chips

HereIgoagain wrote: »

Liking myself isn't something I can ever see happening....

And as for the person I started this thread about I think he's gotten what he wanted. He's back in my head again. I keep thinking about him and wondering why he can be so happy with her and not me. What can she give him that I cant?

This is far more complicated than simply what can she give him that you didn't?

You're not happy. You're not happy in yourself. You don't like yourself. You might be a wonderful, lovely, loving person, but until you can be happy with yourself, it's unlikely that others can be happy with you. That man you are speaking about, maybe he DID mean what he said. Very few people actually set out with the intention of hurting another. So when he promised he loved you, and wouldn't leave you, he most likely meant it at that time. But how can you expect him to continue loving you when you don't even like yourself? How can you expect him to be in a happy relationship where one person is deeply unhappy? It just becomes a daily uphill struggle and it makes it very difficult to continue a relationship.

You are self-sabotaging these relationships (very understandable given your history) and then feel justified in saying, well they moved on because they got what they wanted. You need to think they moved on because they DIDN'T get what they wanted. They didn't get a person who was happy, who valued herself. I don't profess to be an expert, and I can only imagine the horrors you went through. I know how powerful a smell can be at stirring a memory, luckily for most people those memories are good. You cannot be in a good relationship if you don't feel good about yourself. It's exhausting for you, and for your partner.

That fella may have had his own stuff going on, that was nothing really to do with you. Very few come without some sort of baggage!

I wouldn't write off the chance of a good relationship altogether just yet. You deserve happiness, just as much as the next person. But until you accept that about yourself, then you're not really offering what others can offer to a relationship. No relationship is perfect. No relationship is plain sailing. But successful relationship are built around trust, respect and the feeling of wanting to be happy and make each other happy.

tedpan

Unfortunately that was not a relationship OP, that guy is a bastard. Lying, controlling and trying to blame you at the same time. There's lots like him, I've heard stories like that from the girls at work, usually the guy is cheating or is married.

You don't need people like him in your life.

Jay Pentatonic

That guy sounds really f*cked up. Cut ties with him completely. Life's too short to put up with people like that.

You're doing well now, which is not easy to do, so give yourself credit for that.
Keep focusing on you and don't look back.