Dating a man with children

LegacyUser

Looking for advice from anyone who can share some!

I recently started seeing a guy who has children - usually I try not to date men who have kids but I realise in my mid-30s that a lot of them do so when I met him and liked him I figured we'd see how things progressed. He has access and is reasonably cordial with the children's mum and he seems like a great Dad.

What I'm struggling with really is that I don't think he's over his ex but I'm wondering if I'm misreading the obvious connection they'll always have because they share children (as I said I don't usually date men who have kids!). Things ended very very badly, the breakup came from her side and from his version of events he was blindsided by the whole thing. This was about 4 years ago and he hasn't had a serious relationship since, and had counselling at the time to help him work through it. We've been dating for around 3 months now and most things are good but he does mention a lot how things were 'taken away from him', that it kills him not seeing his children every day and how hard rebuilding his life has been. He doesn't speak badly about his ex and whilst I don't worry he's mad to get back with her I do feel he's sort of hanging on to the life he wanted with her and feels cheated out of.

So my question - is this just what happens when couples break up and share kids? Or should I run and never come back?

BetsyEllen

The issue isn't the kids, it's how he feels about the ex.

My ex had kids with his ex wife. At first I was very insecure about it but over time I realised they had split for a reason.
I could hear her on the other end of the phone when she called him and it was very blunt and to the point on both sides, purely about who was getting the kids from school that day etc.

A part of him may be hanging on to what he had but to be fair, that is understandable - this was the woman he made vows to be with forever, had children with, wanted to build a life with.
She ended it, not him - he is of course going to feel bitter about what he lost.

That doesn't however mean he can't move on and if he's been single for 4 years, he must think a lot of you - he hasn't met anyone else he wanted to date in all that time.
I'd give it a chance.

cream clock

cream clock wrote: »

I don't worry he's mad to get back with her I do feel he's sort of hanging on to the life he wanted with her and feels cheated out of.

Bear with him if you like him. This could be a huge issue as it would with anyone who couldn't let go of the past. But give him a chance to get used to his new life and see what happens.

If you see the same issues in a few more weeks, talk to him.

The life he's living now should be the best life he can live.

Floppybits

I can understand what he means when he says "things were taken away from him".  Speaking as a Father, I know I would feel things would be taken away if  partner ended the relationship and had custody of the kids.  The thought of not being able to see to my child everyday would be a killer for me especially if I have done nothing to have them taken away from me. 
Stick with him. I know you say it is 4 years, but depending on the age of the kids and just going on your post I am assuming they are young, it could take that for him to get himself into the right frame of mind to start dating again.

racso1975

I'd imagine speaking from personal experience it is purely about the kids!!!

Remember no matter what when dating a person with children in a lot of cases that person will be contact with that ex forever..... communion confirmation school meeting grads wedding both of grandchildren etc etc if you gonna have insecurities then maybe this type of relationship is not for you

Tazium

Sounds like he's a responsible parent and trying.  My GF has had great difficulty with me and my children.  It's taken a lot of patience and effort from both of us to get to the right place and thankfully that's where we are now. 
It's never going to be easy for you and there's always going to be challenges as mentioned above.  Your choice is to embrace it and be supportive and constructive towards the health of your relationships with him and the children, or try to isolate your relationship away from that side of his family.  Success will have one outcome.  Good luck.

mojesius

I'd echo the post above, sounds like my own dad nearly 30 years on and there's definitely no love lost between my folks

It's not easy for a parent missing out on the normal everyday of family/kids when the relationship breaks down and they have to move out.

I'd actually say it's a good thing he's talking about it with you, rather than letting these feelings fester inside.

ElizaBennett

I've been on here before about my own problems in this regard so I'd recommend informing yourself as well as possible and being as prepared as you can for dealing with all of the relationships involved. It's not always as rosy and simple as you first imagine when in the first flushes of romance. But as Tazium suggested, you could isolate this part of your relationship from the rest of his family, which is what I would do if possible. You can be in love with someone without wanting a close relationship with their children. That's been my experience. It's unrealistic to expect to love them too.

Caranica

I've found that if a guy has kids, the kids are rarely the problem but the ex usually is. It's not something I found comfortable.

Be honest with your partner, tell them how the situation is making you feel. Being open is the best chance you have.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input (and for not assuming I'm crazed with jealousy over the fact he has a cordial relationship with his ex!). I understand they're in contact because of the children and that will always be the case and I've never met the children (or their mum) so I only know what he's told me in terms of how good or not things are between them on a given day. He's a very involved Dad and seems to have a great relationship with the children.

Long-term I'm looking to settle down and hopefully have kids myself. He's not against more children (we've had a very very general conversation about it) but I know that's a good bit off. When you mention isolating the relationship from the rest of the family do you mean I shouldn't meet the children? He hasn't expressed a preference either way and neither have I.

Floppybits

The reason why you haven't met the children is because he is being careful and before he introduces you needs to make sure it is serious.  It's nothing different from what a single mother would do? When children are involved it is very delicate situation as to when to introduce them into a new relationship.  What you would want is to introduce the kids to this new person in their fathers life and a relationship to develop and then the relationship breaks down and the children are affected as well. 

Also he may just want to spend the time that he feels has been taken away, with his kids on his own to catch up and do the things that people who see their kids all the time take for granted.