Advice most welcome....

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I need some advice.

last january after a few weeks of flirty texts i met up with a really sweet affectionate fella, we got on really well and i was completely hooked.
after about 6 weeks, lots of dates and sleepovers, he wasnt in touch as much, for a week or so he blamed being busy at work but my gut was saying something had changed so i sent him a message asking if we were done dating. He replied and said i was wonderful, bla bla bla, and that it was him not me, he was in a bad place and unhappy. I was devastated.

i picked myself up, was very sad about what could have been, but busied myself with life and got on with it.

It was his birthday in March so i made sure to wish him a happy birthday and we werent in contact aside from that.
So in June he contacted me again, initially it was just chatting and it eventually led to him asking for us to meet up. i agreed, very nervously, the first time i saw him again ended up being at his parents house, met them and we went on from there, very happy. i was nervous at the start but after a few very heartfelt conversations i felt like we were soulmates and i fell completely in love. He said he had made a huge mistake letting me go the first time.

A few weeks later I was ill and he was by my side and i can honestly say he was my rock. we talked about the future and he made lots of little hints about our future together.

10 days ago he left my house for work one morning... 48 hours later i started to worry that he wasnt well or something as i hadnt heard from him. He didnt answer my texts or calls and send me a message to tell me he needed some space. so i tried to give him some space. it was hard. we had a few phone conversations later in the week and he assured me everything was ok and he was fine. that everything was just on top of him with work and life.

so at the weekend I was supposed to go see him, i was so excited to see him, and then he asked me not to come as his friends had decided to visit for the day.
i was ok with that and delighted for him to see friends he hadnt seen in a while. but i was also nervous that he didnt want me there or to meet his friends.

this week i feel cut off from him, there are numerous excuses, his phone not working, his data going on and off.... but basically the man who was sweet, affection and in touch every single day, without fail since july is distant and despite me trying to makes plans to see him at the weekend, we dont have any solid plans.

i worry about him, that he is stressed or anxious. and that by pushing me I am making it worse.
On the other hand i just think he wants to break up and is burying his head in the sand and delaying my upset.

i trust him. but now i am wondering am i an idiot?
i'm not a very clingy person but for months this man has been madly in love with me and i with him..... and now i struggle to get a reply to a text....

he said he suffers with anxiety and is feeling like everything is on top of him, how do i best help him with the anxiety?
i tried talking to him and he said it helped last week. but this week he wont answer my call. so i didnt persist. should I?

should i insist on seeing him or leave him alone?

knowing that he is in bad form and i may be adding to it is stressing me out...

Shinbin223

i trust him. but now i am wondering am i an idiot?
i'm not a very clingy person but for months this man has been madly in love with me and i with him..... and now i struggle to get a reply to a text....




The above in bold screams out here. Sorry to say OP, but if he loved you he wouldn't hesitate in replying to your text, he would want to spend time with you and he definitely wouldn't want "space". Space is short for "I'm not interested in you to make an effort but I won't make a clean break of it either because I might change my mind/get lonely and I want to keep my options open".

I suggest you stop contacting him, and find someone who at least can reply to a text and wants to see you. That's the least you deserve.

Tigger99

Also it's very weird that the first time he meets up with you after the breakup it's in his parents who you meet. He sounds like an absolute flake. Very intense at the start then hardly in contact.

I'd run from this guy. Also you mention that you fell in love after a few heartfelt conversations. Actions matter way more than words. Few dates, poor contact. That's all you need to know.

LegacyUser

This may not seem important, but how did you find his parents? How were they towards you? Did they give you any insight into their son?

benny79

Or maybe he's suffering with Depression that an anxiety go hand in hand.. Just my 2 cents

LegacyUser

i am worried about the anxiety, he said he suffers from it.
he said everything gets on top on him and i wasnt the cause of it

my head says run away, but am i just leaving when he needs me most?

i dont know if i should not contact him or keep contacting him like i have done for months now
i tried last week to talk things through with him and he said he felt better after it but he still isnt really communicating

when we got back together he did meet me in town first for a chat before we went to his parents for dinner - it was alot for me but it all seemed to work out and we have had a great few months together including a few nights away

Icepick

Fool me once...

He was cowardly the first time and he is doing it again.

Whatever the reason, you cannot help him.

amtc

If it were me I'd need to take control. You haven't done anything wrong, but if you want to be compassionate you could say "hi, am concerned about you, you know where I am and would love to see you. I'm busy Saturday but otherwise ok. Let me know when!". And then leave it. There's no harm in putting the ball firmly back in his court. That's not pressure.

Oh when is your birthday? That was nice to text on his. I do that as well to most of my ex boyfriends, and they text me. One in particular jokes I'm always the first one to text him. He lives in L.A. now and is married. Funnily enough the guy I am seeing now and have been for years...i can't recall his birthday...its November and either 25/26/27...i think.

LegacyUser

Guessed wrote: »

This may not seem important, but how did you find his parents? How were they towards you? Did they give you any insight into their son?

His parents are lovely, and were always very nice to me. i felt welcome there.
there was always conversation flowing

but his dad is very hard on him and keeps niggling him about things.
I know he gets frustrated with his parents. and we have spoken about that.
he is one of two siblings and the other is away and not in much contact, so the focus is on the one in ireland i guess.

he has a very busy stressful job and is moving into a new house shortly, so i also wonder is the stress money related.....

Tigger99

Opposite to the previous poster I think you were mad to text him on his birthday after he treated you so badly. It just shows that you are still pining after him. Pity it took him so long to realise the mistake he made. Or maybe he knew you'd always be there ready to take him back.

You are coming across as a doormat in your behaviour to him.

LegacyUser

amtc wrote: »

Oh when is your birthday? .

my birthday is next week. i try and remember birthdays for family and friends as much as i can. and i'd send a text even it was someone i wasnt in regular contact with.

I didnt text him on his birthday in order to let him know I was pining. I wasnt.
It was a big birthday and I genuinely knew he would appreciate the thought. I am in touch with a few exes and i generally like to leave things not hating an ex and wishing them well.

maybe I am a doormat. I dont know. I didnt think i let him off the hook too easily. He knew that i was cautious and I felt he was genuine when he told me he made a mistake.

i'm worried that anxiety / depression / stress causes him to push me away... and I shouldnt run...

my mantra is always that it is better to have loved and lost.... but knowing when to walk away and mind myself is very important too

thanks for all the advice, the contradicting advice from you all is the current argument in my own head! but atleast i know i'm not mad!

Suffering from anxiety is not an excuse to be rude. You are (supposedly) in a relationship with this guy and communication is key to a successful relationship.

Forget about helping him and help yourself. Tell him you need to see him to understand what is going on.

I’m very sorry OP but I suspect history will repeat itself here, I hope I’m wrong.

racso1975

benny79 wrote: »

Or maybe he's suffering with Depression that an anxiety go hand in hand.. Just my 2 cents

This really think and look into this

amtc

Tigger99 wrote: »

Opposite to the previous poster I think you were mad to text him on his birthday after he treated you so badly. It just shows that you are still pining after him. Pity it took him so long to realise the mistake he made. Or maybe he knew you'd always be there ready to take him back.

You are coming across as a doormat in your behaviour to him.

It's never bad to do a nice thing. I still send good wishes to my ex through the universe (this makes me sound like a lunatic...My best friend is very new age and it has rubbed off a bit!). What I don't do is contact him at all...it's just a thought...hope you're having a nice day...but we're well over each other.

But as I said it's never bad to do a nice thing. I treated a guy absolutely awfully (I was not into him at all and he was madly in love but i wasn't and ignored texts and calls). I always felt bad about it. Last year after maybe six years I saw him in Marks and Spencer. He saw me. I took my courage in my hands and went over and apologised. He very graciously accepted and thanked me. We are now occasional meet up friends but I felt good about it.

LegacyUser

tired&emotional wrote: »

but his dad is very hard on him and keeps niggling him about things.
I know he gets frustrated with his parents. and we have spoken about that.
he is one of two siblings and the other is away and not in much contact, so the focus is on the one in ireland i guess.

An quintessentially Irish story, lovely to the visitors, not so much to your own family. The fact that his sibling doesn't keep in contact much, his father is openly critical and they get frustrated with each other would make me wary of him. My guess is that his parents are frustrated with the rollercoaster he's had them on because of the kind of behaviour he's shown towards you, I'm sure they've seen it before. His sibling may well have got tired of living in that situation and slipped away. His parents may also have played their part in exacerbating his mental health issues by being so critical and unable to cope.

Obviously I'm guessing a bit, but I'll bet I'm not too far wrong. It all suggests to me that if you decide to keep going with this relationship, this will be the pattern

leggo

OP you sound like a lovely person and a good partner for someone to have. Sorry to say, but it sounds like this person doesn't deserve the effort you're willing to put in. You're getting bogged down with the anxiety and analysing his relationship with his parents as a way to deflect from the fact that, for whatever reason, he doesn't seem that into you. I get that he's probably lovely when you two hang out, but people can be that way, look at how he repeatedly chooses to treat you by constantly putting you in limbo without warning. That's not what you do when you care about someone, because as you know it's a horrible place to be left in. Yet he consistently opts to leave you there when he could easily choose otherwise.

This is an unbalanced relationship and you can do much better and be much happier with someone who appreciates what you bring to the table.

mapaca

Has he seen a doctor or anyone about his anxiety? Does he have a diagnosis? Is he receiving treatment or going to counselling, anything like that? Is he taking steps to deal with it at all?

Or is he using it as a way to keep you dangling and treat you however he likes?

Ursus Horribilis

mapaca wrote: »

Has he seen a doctor or anyone about his anxiety? Does he have a diagnosis? Is he receiving treatment or going to counselling, anything like that? Is he taking steps to deal with it at all?

Or is he using it as a way to keep you dangling and treat you however he likes?

Sometimes I wonder if some people trot out words like depression and anxiety as an excuse for their own bad behaviour. And you know, even if he actually has these issues, are you sure you want to hitch yourself to that ride? Being the partner of someone who genuinely suffers from anxiety/depression isn't for everyone.