FWB situation- how to go about it

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a 30 year old woman and have been left feeling very let down and angry with the latest in a long line of dating guys that have never gone anywhere.
The latest being a situation where a guy I have known for 5 years as friends who sometimes kissed on nights out etc, decided after asking me on a second date that he didn't actually want anything with me which is fine , but he didn't bother to tell me for over a week until I decided to text him as I was just really annoyed.
Over the past year or two I have had a few situations where I have been dating guys and after 4 or 5 dates where it would be coming to the time where we would probably sleep together they all ended it and said they didn't want a relationship, or didn't have time or whatever. So I am in a situation where I haven't had sex in almost three years and am kind of frustrated. It never even got to that stage with the last few guys I've been with and when things are going well with someone and you're looking forward to having sex, it's a bit frustrating for it not to go anywhere. I am tired of growing feelings for guys and never having it go anywhere and am a bit frustrated with how I've been treated so I am thinking a FWB situation could work with me.

We would both know from the outset that it is nothing serious, I get to ease my frustrations and I feel it's what I need at the moment as I sort of feel I could never properly care about any guy again. I am just unsure of how to go about it. I am on tinder which understand is used for this. What point in the conversation do i bring it up? Do girls message guys first on it? I'm not used to tinder or any online dating app so just unsure of how to go about it. Any tips/advice would be great!

LegacyUser

No reason girls can't message first, but I don't think that's going to help you and I think a FWB situation will make you feel worse. Clearly what you were hoping for from those previous relationships was something longer term and it's hurt you that it hasn't materialised. I would predict that a FWB situation would become just another replay of them.

The way you're describing setting it up really just amounts to you giving an upfront assurance that you won't expect anything beyond sex and hoping that will entice someone in. It probably will, but you'll be denying yourself what you really want and you'll be reminded of that every time he leaves. Or, as these situations normally go in my experience, one of you will eventually try to make it something else and that will be a breakup in all but name if it doesn't go well. It'll all just take longer and there'll be no dates, but otherwise same again.

There's nothing at all wrong with FWB arrangements for two people in the right emotional place for them, but given that you say in your opening line that you're feeling angry and let down, I don't think you're one of those people.

Given that you've attracted quite a few guys in the past, I would put some effort into thinking about what signals you're giving off in those early stages and/or how and where you're meeting them, which is probably keeping you in a certain demographic. Both those things could be easily changed and might change the course of events with the next fella you meet.

Icepick

How active were the guys? How active were you?
Did you talk about what you expect from the dates?

um7y1h83ge06nx

Some people may not agree but I think FWBs is fine once both know the situation. You'll get the regular sex you want while both being free to meet someone for something serious.

What I would do would just go on dates and if you are attracted physically and sexually to the guy but don't think he is someone you want to be in a relationship with then move things along physically faster than you normally would.

There are no strict rules to this and some FWB situations can work out well but others not so well.

Mr. Incognito

In my experience you are best to be blunt and put it out there early.

No point leading a guy on if he is looking for a serious thing but no point in spreading yourself around too thing either.

Sensible thing to do is to arrange dates early enough in the conversation. You only get a feel for someone when you meet them

Once you meet someone who you think, yeah attracted sexually but nothing else simply ask them directly.

if they are a single guy who has gone to the effort of meeting you he wont say no.

leggo

Guys aren't hard to sell on a FWB situation. The word you're looking for is 'casual', it's a nice way of saying the same thing. If you think it's what you really want, then yeah I'd say letting lads know on Tinder that it's what you're looking for. But don't expect to be taken out on nice dates or for it to grow into more. You're talking them coming over, or you going to theirs, for 'movie nights', having sex, cuddling for a few minutes, then going. And that's it. It's very difficult for a woman to get out of that zone once you put yourself in it though, so you need to make your peace with it early.

Alternatively when you're in a situation and kissing a guy when you're out, you can also just go back with him night one just to do the deed. There's no shame in it anymore, it's incredibly common and most who say they don't do it have done at least once before.

I'd be inclined to agree with the above poster who said it doesn't sound what you're really looking for though, if that's the case then this is the worst thing you could do as it'll feel good in the short term but start damaging your self-esteem very quickly.

Caranica

To me FWB is exactly what it says on the tin. I've had a few over the years but they've all been friends and still are.

Please be safe op, guys who actively seek casual sexual relationships may be what you think you need but they could be the worst thing for you. You need to protect yourself physically and emotionally.

LuckyLloyd

From reading your post you're indicating that it might be four or five dates before you'd be moving towards sleeping with the other person. That's absolutely fine (there are no rules around this, whatever you prefer).

If that is the case though, I think only minor changes are needed here really. You should do what you're doing in terms of matching with guys you like the look of online; make sure you like their chat; and progress to the first date like you would have always done. The only difference is moving things along a bit quicker over dates one and two (assuming you like the look of them, enjoy / feel comfortable with your initial in person meetings and are attracted to them). Get the shift on date one; and open up the possibility of more on date two.

At that point, it's easy to go a couple of different ways. Maybe the sex was bad, in which case you can leave it as 'thanks or no thanks'. You might actually enjoy their company and it's all going better than expected, in which case go with the flow and exit at some future point. Or you could just say to them that you're looking for something a bit more casual, not a potential relationship and are they okay with that. And away you go.

Same things you've been doing, just with a slightly more open and less invested attitude.

Best of luck with however you decide to approach it.