Open letter to partner of depressed

Dublinia16

Give me something to hold on to, to hope for.
Are you waiting for me to rediscover/ find myself?
Can you still see me? The person you fell in love with?
I seem to only detect frustration/ disappointment even disgust. On good days when I'm playing ball and acting like u expect, you seem fond and affectionate. But mostly you just seem to work at managing your own disappointment at my not meeting expectations so you go to the gym, work, meet the lads and try to expect nothing from me... which is as much of a cop out as dad saying hes not responsible for anyone elses feelings.
It's like being an add on to a life..one that can be safely discarded if it doesn't work out.
Do u ask who you are for me? Has your role changed? Should it? Can it? Is life as it is right now full enough? Do you have a part to play in that?
Speaking in fairness terms and what's expected and what else can I do? If u want a vanilla life, so be it.

I miss you, I miss sex and the awkwardness of elbowing you at the wrong time and us laughing about it. I miss u thinking my anatomy is complicated and wonderful. I feel flaccid, ungainly, unsure and particularly shyly virginal. I wonder if I have to pretend to be Mata Hari for u to fancy me. I am awkward and uncomfortable and feel both turned on but gross. What to do!!? Mostly I feel alone and punished for not being as strong as advertised.

Dublinia16

Request feedback

qwerty13

That's a hard read OP. I'm sorry you feel that way - yourself, and also regarding your relationship.

However, maybe your partner isn't the right person to love you plus your illness. Maybe he's just not strong enough. Maybe he's hurting too, that your relationship has gone to a place that he may not have anticipated, and can't cope with. Maybe he's overwhelmed. Maybe he's just human and exhausted by your illness. Maybe you literally aren't the person that he fell in love with anymore.

Relationships do often break up following trauma. Very hard to take (I've been there). But you can't make someone love you, or stay with you. It's a very hard thing to realise when you're already so low yourself, but some people find coping with a physically or mentally ill partner just too much for them to handle.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know what, OP, I'm not sure are you the partner of the depressed person, or are you the depressed partner. Because honestly, and you may not believe it that letter could be read the same by either person. My partner suffers with depression and everything you wrote, is everything I feel. It's only when I read qwerty's reply that it hit me that you might be the depressed one.

All you can do is talk to your partner. Depression is an insidious illness that infects more than just the sufferer. But often times, because of the nature of depression, the sufferer doesn't realise or appreciate just how affected their loved ones are too. "Normal" relationships take a lot of hard work. A relationship that includes depression takes even more work. And it is constant work. It's not easy. It's not easy being the sufferer and it's not easy being the partner.

If your relationship has any hope of survival, if you want it to survive, you need to take time to sit down and talk to each other and acknowledge and appreciate the struggle that depression causes both of you. Not just the sufferer.

Dublinia16

Ok, I was mortified I posted this at all and thought I'd deleted it..but it's actually good to see where I was at that stage.

Thanks qwerty13 for your reply, we've been to counseling together and my partner's perspective became much clearer to me and helped.

BigBagOfChips, thanks also for your reply, that never occurred to me. As in the partner of the depressed could have written it. Although I thought my title made it clear See..I'm even making jokes!

Anyway, I've found a therapist that suits me and is a specialist in my particular reasons that triggered my depression. I've been to counsellors, a psychodynamic therapist, a clinical psychologist and psychiatrists...I know it's obvious but in the fog of depression, it didn't occur that the professional might not be specifically qualified or experienced in my particular needs. And the above mentioned professionals qualify in a variety of durations. The psychodynamic therapist who was recommended to me by a friend seemed particularly out of her depth during my two sessions so I didn't go back. And that wasn't her fault.... I should have been seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. Although... maybe she could have just suggested that..I'm not sure.

In hindsight, a proper talk with my GP might have made the appropriate referral initially but I couldn't really explain what was going on in my head in the 15 mins GP visits seem to have been reduced to especially in my mind fogged state.

I did get a referral eventually to a public HSE psychiatrist and he was good but the poor man was totally overwhelmed with patients. The waiting room left me feeling almost guilty for taking up his time, people were rocking back and forth etc and he had urgent appointments suddenly interrupt his schedule often.

I eventually found a psychiatrist I visited privately, which my partner's health insurance (from his work) helped subsidise and he agreed a lower fee with me as I was out of work.

So, I'm much better...I've posted this in case it resonates with anyone else and might help and also because I did appreciate time complete strangers took to give feedback and wanted to acknowledge that and give an update.

Dublinia16

P.S.

My partner gained a lot of insight since my initial post and realised he wasn't to blame for my depression...I didn't realize that weighed heavily on him. We have had much more communication about his feelings as well as mine.... I had tunnel vision on all my particular anxieties and whilst I tried to think of how it affected him...I really wasn't capable of seeing his perspective without him explaining and he didn't have the language to at the time.

We are still together...and still have our ups and downs but can communicate mental health stuff much more easily.

One major thing I didn't realize was how lonely he felt at the time I was at my worst. He was keeping everything quiet out of loyalty to me and had no one to talk to. And I just wasn't emotionally available in the way he needed.

I gave him a book which initially started the conversation. It's called "overcoming depression" by Paul Gilbert. It's aimed at the depressed person but at the beginning he recommends that friends/family/partner who are having trouble understanding might benefit from reading two particular chapters. I did mention this book to my current psychiatrist and he was familiar with it so I hope it's ok to mention here as a suggestion/reference.

dellas1979

People who are with partners with depression usually (and it's healthy to) have to have their own support system.

So, while you might be looking to him for support, he will likely need support from his family and friends too. And days/time off from this.

He is after all, only human too. He cant fix you.

I felt the need to point that out as I read your post I felt a tinge of guilt or disappointment that he might not be fully able to support you in what youre going through.

Dublinia16

dellas1979 wrote: »

People who are with partners with depression usually (and it's healthy to) have to have their own support system.

So, while you might be looking to him for support, he will likely need support from his family and friends too. And days/time off from this.

He is after all, only human too. He cant fix you.

I felt the need to point that out as I read your post I felt a tinge of guilt or disappointment that he might not be fully able to support you in what youre going through.

Yup, totally get that, I didn't at first. I was trying to get across in my p.s. that his state of mind was an unknown to me at the time cos I was so caught up in my anxieties. And his admittance of how lonely he had felt really was gut wrenching when he described it. I told him I didn't mind if he told his closest friends and family so he could talk about it and he has. We had some counseling, he read the two chapters of the book I mentioned. I can tell him now that I'm not having a great day and will retreat a bit into my cave and he's ok cos now he knows it's not because I don't want to be with him or am not as in love as I was with him. He's been amazing, I come from a completely dysfunctional family and he doesn't so it has all been a bit of steep learning curve for him but he's stuck it out. And sometimes gives me great advice on how to manage some of my more toxic family members. I love him more than ever.

professore

Dublinia16 wrote: »

P.S.

My partner gained a lot of insight since my initial post and realised he wasn't to blame for my depression...I didn't realize that weighed heavily on him. We have had much more communication about his feelings as well as mine.... I had tunnel vision on all my particular anxieties and whilst I tried to think of how it affected him...I really wasn't capable of seeing his perspective without him explaining and he didn't have the language to at the time.

Not posting with any particular advice, just wanted to say I admire you OP that despite your depression you still managed to see there was a problem and resolved to communicate with your partner and do something about it. Also your realisation that it was affecting him and others too. Well done.

Dublinia16

professore wrote: »

Not posting with any particular advice, just wanted to say I admire you OP that despite your depression you still managed to see there was a problem and resolved to communicate with your partner and do something about it. Also your realisation that it was affecting him and others too. Well done.

Thank you professore, in fairness it probably would have been pretty obvious to anyone with any sort of clear thinking. I appreciate your post though cos my overthinking head always wonders the worst "do I come off selfish there?" Etc etc 😊