Crèche troubles

Lilween

Hi!

I have a 4 years old going to the crèche, and we have been having issues with them at the moment.

He changed crèche after we moved when he was 3 years old, and he had been in his previous crèche since he was 10 months old, and everyone knew and loved him there, but he had a bit of trouble adapting to the new crèche, and I feel like they have been holding on this difficult phase against him since then.

Recently, they have been contacting us every day about him not wanting to participate during 'circle time' and Montessori work; instead he would either isolate himself or bother his friends by being disruptive.

And biggest issue comes from trying to run away. The crèche is in two buildings, and they have to get outside in the street to get to the crèche playground, and he tried running away (we live at the end of the street), and apparently it's been a recurring issue.

So, don't get me wrong here; I'm sure he can be difficult, but these are not issues we have at home (we have others though, he is far from perfect), but every time I suggested them giving a time out, they refused, saying they don't believe in punishments, but then every day they expect us to punish him for behaviour (ranging from what I described above; to pushing a friend or stealing a toy). I was alright with disciplining him, but it's been difficult as I'm punishing things that I never experienced with him. And I feel like he can never do anything good enough for them. We have been punishing him by either not allowing TV; or not going to the swimming pool and dance (extra activities during the weekend), even telling him he has to stay in his room (he hates not being in the same room as us), but at this point, we have to choose when to punish him, because according to them he would be punished all the time.

A week ago, they requested a meeting with us, I was working so his dad went to the meeting and surprise, a social worker was there. We're not originally from Ireland, so I don't know if that's normal, but where I'm from, they wouldn't be involved unless there is abuse, so it's stressing me out a bit to see social workers involved in something I judged to be a crèche issue.

In any case, the director and social worker suggested we saw a therapist to do play therapy. Willing to work with them, I contacted the therapist with the letter given to me of the behaviours they wanted us to address, and the therapist told me she doesn't think there is anything she can do. She thinks behaviour is normal for a 4 years old, and that a Montessori is learning to work with the child and adapt to their needs, which is not happening at the moment. She told me that his carer most likely has too many children to take care of, since the girl has 15 other children to work with. Overall, she told me to try and work with them as my son is a normal 4 years old, if a bit dissipated.

I decided to do this, and had a meeting scheduled for next week to work with them on this, but today, he tried and run away from the playground by climbing over a fence (can't believe a worker didn't see this before he finished climbing, as it's a small wall with a fence above it)! Director called us after we picked our son s up, and ask to meet us and the social worker on Monday morning.

I'm very nervous, as they won't accept him back to the crèche until our meeting.

I don't understand how this is possible, a crèche who refuses to do times out, or anything, but then call a social worker on us. I feel like they made up their mind on him and are not trying to help him because they labelled him as difficult.

This year is extremely important for us, I want him to be ready for school next year, but more importantly, we want him to be a happy child and not dread going to the crèche / school.

Any of you ever experienced this? Is involving social workers normal behaviour for crèche here?

Also, I'm planning on asking them for a daily 5 minutes wrap up meeting in the evening between his carer, myself and my son, so we can review his behaviour daily and either praise or explain the issues we had during the day with his behaviour. I also want a carer to be close to him when going in the street, they know he runs away with them (it never happened with us), and I want to make sure he is safe. At this point I'm not sure what more I can do.

Anything else you'd suggest? Do?

Julia86

The creche should react to these incidents immidiately and authentically as they happen, that's the only way a child of this age can learn. They should be attentive and pro-active, to avoid situations where he misbehaves and if it happens they should take him out of the situation, explain to him what they expect of him and then let him go back in. Or, if it is attention seeking or pushing back to pressure, it might be better to ignore his behaviour, as long as he doesn't disturb the others. If he is the only runner, the teacher should hold his hand while they are outside the building.
The punishments you name seem to me too abstract for his age and too harsh. Is cutting out sport and play-dates really what you want, when practicing social interaction and letting off steam might be what he really needs? If you want to work with reward and punishment, I would try it like this: Tell him in the morning what you expect from him: e.g. "I want you to be kind to your frinds"; "I want you to stay with the group" , "I want you to participate" and when you pick him up and most things went well, you can give him a little reward (e.g. taking him out for ice-cream or watch a cartoon with him). But it is still important that he gets an authentic feedback immidiately in the situation.

Lilween

Yeah, we tried the reward road as well. His dad created a reward chart, every day he will get a small coin when he does a good job, and by getting all his coins every day, he fills a cup of coing, once full he will be able to buy himself a toy. It generally takes about a month to fill. It works pretty well for a long time, but the last two weeks have been very difficult. We know it comes and goes, but I'm really worried about the crèche reaction to these events.

Again, I know he is far from perfect, and he has diffciult days, and I'm willing to work with them to help there, but calling social services? Putting him on the spot like this? I know he understands part of this, and I feel really upset for him, because I can't help but thing they are being unfair.

I know I'm his mom, and that people will think I just don't want to face the reality, and it might be true. But I'm also trying my best to help them, and they aren't trying.

Lilween

Lilween wrote: »

Yeah, we tried the reward road as well. His dad created a reward chart, every day he will get a small coin when he does a good job, and by getting all his coins every day, he fills a cup of coing, once full he will be able to buy himself a toy. It generally takes about a month to fill. It works pretty well for a long time, but the last two weeks have been very difficult. We know it comes and goes, but I'm really worried about the crèche reaction to these events.

Again, I know he is far from perfect, and he has diffciult days, and I'm willing to work with them to help there, but calling social services? Putting him on the spot like this? I know he understands part of this, and I feel really upset for him, because I can't help but thing they are being unfair.

I know I'm his mom, and that people will think I just don't want to face the reality, and it might be true. But I'm also trying my best to help them, and they aren't trying.

That reward is way too long winded. Rewards at that age need to be directly after their day in Montessori. A month later is way too long after the event.

beechwood55

Lilween wrote: »

Also, I'm planning on asking them for a daily 5 minutes wrap up meeting in the evening between his carer, myself and my son, so we can review his behaviour daily and either praise or explain the issues we had during the day with his behaviour.

By all means ask for a wrap up meeting each day but I really don't think it would be a good idea to involve your child in this. A cheery hug and smile from his carer should be part of the daily goodbye, not an analysis of his behaviour. That is for the adults.

John Mason

Are you sure it was a Social Worker and not a AIM co-ordinator?

Regardless, I would pull him from that creche and move to another. he is clearly not fitting in

Moonbeam

Did he have issues in his previous creche?

donnasm

Are you sure it was a Social Worker and not a AIM co-ordinator?

Regardless, I would pull him from that creche and move to another. he is clearly not fitting in
and created a reward chart, every day when he does a good job you put the reward chart up but if he miss behave you miss take one of , and by getting his rewards every day, once full he will be able to buy himself a toy. It generally takes about a month to fill. It works pretty well knowing he will be getting something for been good.

audreycu

Regardless, I would pull him from that creche and move to another. He is clearly not fitting in. I would ask the child how he feels about the creche and ask him what the problem is and see if you can sort it from there.

laurenp

He is properly just finding it really hard to settle into the new crèche and when the mis behaving all started they shouldn't be telling you to punish him when he goes home they should be explaining to him that what he is not good and then he will start to understand that he has to be good. I have done work experience in a crèche and when things like this happen we would just explain to them that they cant be doing that and inform the parents when they pick them that he was mis behaving and just to have a little work with them and then that would be the end there would be no such things as punishing them when they go home.