Feeling like nothing is actually real

LegacyUser

Hi - going anonymous for this.

I'm not sure how to put this....for as long as I can remember I have a feeling that I am not fully alive, or that things are not actually real.

It's like life is like I am watching a movie, that I am there but not really there. There are some things that make me feel alive - when I am competing playing sports, after I have had a couple of drinks (I'm not talking about getting pissed)....in those situations I feel fully alive and "turned on", I am me, in full. But the rest of the time I am not fully there or real.

I'm not sure what it is. It affects everything. Especially worrying/unnerving, and I don't write upsetting because I can't feel the upset I should, is in home life. I love my wife and kids. My wife is amazing, a beautiful and caring person, great mother. My kids are brilliant too. But it's like none of it is real.

I've felt like this for donkeys years, for as long as I can remember.

As well as it being a pretty crappy way to go through life, it also "enables" me to do things that are at odds with my own sense of values. When I do them, it's like I haven't really done them. When I am doing something at odds with my values, it's like I zone out of being me, suspend me, and just do it. Often it is something I actually dont even want to do, but it's like a challenge for me to see can I do it. So I sort of become someone else while I am doing it.

I'm not getting into the specifics of this, but lets just say it is like I am on a subtle path to self destruct, or else to destroy all that is anything good in my life.

If I look at a picture of my wife or my kids, I see them, I really see them in a way I don't day to day. And I feel something deep and very emotional just clawing at the edges of me, something trying to get in. Sometimes when I am tickling and hugging and playing and close to them I feel it too. But when I do, it is so fleeting and not permanent, and the status quo replaces it very quickly and I am back to being a mannequin or whatever.

I'm pretty involved in home life, in the kids lives, I dont work ridiculous hours or travel, so I am an involved parent.

Anyone care to share their thoughts on what the fck is going on with me?

Or preferably, are there ways that can help me to be more alive, more fully and completely involved rather than playing a part in a movie that isn't really real. Maybe something like mindfulness techniques or something? I have gone on with this for long enough now and it is only getting worse, and I fear it will all end in tears if I ont do anything about it.

stuboy01

OP, i think you need to discuss with a professional, it's not an issue you can get a 'solution' to from contributors here by the sounds of it

edit:
as a side note I used to have elements of what you talk about but not on that scale, My wife used to joke that I was a psychopath because of my detachment. I have since put it down to being further along the autism/aspergers scale than others. I also, when younger, used to do the odd totally crazy impulsive action, because the opportunity was there and to see what would happen. thanksfully I am a lot more self aware and don't indulge those impulses.

Tell me how

Start with your GP as coordinator of your care (A because its easier to do so from the start and B they should be able to recommend professionals).

This could be a rolling journey with no definitive answer and certainly any answers that come will be from within yourself but professionals should help you explore things.

It is nothing like films/TV where a shrink listens for 3 minutes and then says "I think this is why you're struggling and this is what you need to do".

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses, and feedback, much appreciated.

Not sure I have the financials or the time or the commitment to go the long haul route...though if that's the only option then maybe this thread has run it's course and I have the answer as to how to try to address or fix my issues.

B0jangles

Hi OP, your description of your experiences reminded me of a condition a friend had called 'derealization/depersonalization'

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911

Definitely sounds like something to talk over with your doctor though.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I'll have a think about talking to the doctor.

My concern is that as it is, some of the "bad stuff" I am doing is on-going, surely I need to stop that before I engage in any way convincingly in a process that is aimed at getting to the bottom of this.

Tell me how

WhatIsWrongWithMe? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I'll have a think about talking to the doctor.

My concern is that as it is, some of the "bad stuff" I am doing is on-going, surely I need to stop that before I engage in any way convincingly in a process that is aimed at getting to the bottom of this.

I don't think so. Speaking to a Dr may help you to stop the negative behavior sooner and give you a better chance for it not to re-emerge.
Also, personally, I think it's best that the professionals see you as you are, negative behavior and all so to speak. It give them a very strong frame of reference of you to be used in future.

You're right with respect to the cost element. It can cost money but it doesn't have to be very expensive for a long time and as well as that, this is your health and well being you are talking about. You deserve to spend money on it.

Finally, I think you should consider letting your wife in on what you are dealing with but that is purely my opinion. An uneducated, unmarried one. I just feel that if you don't and she hears about it later, she may feel confused, might think she was part of the problem and was disappointed you didn't turn to her for some help or support. Entirely my opinion though.

LegacyUser

WhatIsWrongWithMe? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I'll have a think about talking to the doctor.

My concern is that as it is, some of the "bad stuff" I am doing is on-going, surely I need to stop that before I engage in any way convincingly in a process that is aimed at getting to the bottom of this.

I think you should go to see a doctor and with honesty. I also think you should stop the "bad stuff". To put your posts into simpler words, you are basically saying that you are engaging in bad behaviours as a challenge and it sounds like you are getting a kick out it. "It" or "the feeling" is not enabling you. You are allowing that yourself.

It's hard to say without knowing what the "bad stuff" is or the extent of it but if it is something that is hurting you or other people then you need to take steps to stop them.

It sounds like you may have a very bad habit or addiction. Having self control, taking responsibility for yourself and standing by your own values is what makes you real. Its what makes people authenthic. Of course no one is perfect but if the distance between your morals and behaviours is very wide, then this is going to deeply impact you and your sense of self.

Id imagine the reason you don't feel real is because you are behaving like two different people which is going to make you feel like a phoney.

yoshi23

WhatIsWrongWithMe? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I'll have a think about talking to the doctor.

My concern is that as it is, some of the "bad stuff" I am doing is on-going, surely I need to stop that before I engage in any way convincingly in a process that is aimed at getting to the bottom of this.

Yes, you should go to the doctor and be honest with them and you should take whatever steps you can to stop doing the "bad stuff" too. If you simplify what you said in your posts, you are basically saying that you are engaging in bad behaviours as a personal challenge to yourself and getting a kick out of it. It certainly doesn't sound as fancy without all the justifying mental gymnastics surrounding it.

"It" or the feeling you have is not enabling you to do it. You are enabling yourself. You know what you are doing is wrong but you are doing it anyway.

Perhaps youve formed a bad habit or youre addicted to the feeling you get from it but it is your job to take responsibility and take control of yourself. Having control and staying in line with your values is what makes you real, otherwise you're going to feel fake, phoney etc.

It is difficult to give advice without knowing what the "bad stuff" or the extent of it is. You did say that you worry it will all end in tears. If you are hurting yourself or other people then you need to make attempts to stop it.

Of course most people do engage in behaviours that go against their values but if you create a very wide distance between your core values and your behaviour then you wont feel real because you're not being authentic. Youre being two different people. This is bound to create damage with your sense of self.

FitnessLife

OP sounds very like Depersonalisation/Derealisation which is simply a symptom of anxiety. People with these symptoms are not ill and can 100% make a full recovery because I suffered from it as well. You're simply giving it too much thought which in turn makes the feeling worse. Its similar to intrusive thoughts in OCD, the more you try and think it out the worse it can feel. Its simply your brain sending error messages to the other parts of the brain. For example, you are in a state of anxiousness but you can't see any immediate danger like a lion running at you etc so your brain locks onto anything that may seem frightening so you start worrying about your feelings of reality.

Apologies if im not meant to give diagnoses but if thats what this is then I know just how distressing it can be. Definitely talk to your GP and id also talk to a CBT therapist or psychologist as its all about training your mind and understanding whats wrong.

You will be alright.

stuboy01

its also similar to extreme Adrenalin junkies, take for instance, the guys in louth who felt the need to kite surf in a hurricane and put the lives of emergency services at risk. they do it to feel alive and escape the mundane element of life. they tend not to think of consequences of their actions and how it affects others.

yours is a bit different but many similar princip;les apply, but you can stop the 'bad' aspects, you need to apply a 'rethink' on your action before you follow an impulse.
I have done this over the years, i.e. when a teenager camping with friends we were using a small gas stove (one ring that sits on a little blue canister of gas). the ring detatched and liquid fuel started spewing all over the campsite. I was holding a lighter...so what did i do. that's right decided to see what happens when you light a campsite covered in propellant.
I wasn't a pyromaniac, I just saw the fuel, looked at the lighter in my hand and thought, i wonder what this would look like?
my fiends all screamed 'NO' but i couldn't stop myself.

I no longer do crazy sh1t like this. also as a married person i say 'talk to you wife' she will listen and give you support. mine was smart enough to see it in me wihtout me having to say it to her.

LegacyUser

-Ophelia- wrote: »

I think you should go to see a doctor and with honesty. I also think you should stop the "bad stuff". To put your posts into simpler words, you are basically saying that you are engaging in bad behaviours as a challenge and it sounds like you are getting a kick out it. "It" or "the feeling" is not enabling you. You are allowing that yourself.

It's hard to say without knowing what the "bad stuff" is or the extent of it but if it is something that is hurting you or other people then you need to take steps to stop them.

It sounds like you may have a very bad habit or addiction. Having self control, taking responsibility for yourself and standing by your own values is what makes you real. Its what makes people authenthic. Of course no one is perfect but if the distance between your morals and behaviours is very wide, then this is going to deeply impact you and your sense of self.

Id imagine the reason you don't feel real is because you are behaving like two different people which is going to make you feel like a phoney.

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head here, in many respects anyhow. I bolded the particular points that pertain to how I see myself/my behaviour, and where I think you have nailed it. thanks for posting.

LegacyUser

yoshi23 you're very much on the money too.

I kind of know what needs to be done immediately - I need to stop the bad behaviour. In one way or another the method that I have perfected to allow me to "deal" with this, but also why I do this kind of stuff, probably dates back to a fairly traumatic period in my early teens. But there's a lot of people out there that have way worse experiences than I have, and even pointing this out gets away from the number 1 priority - to stop the bad behaviour.

As well as that, I think I need to seek some professional help to try to get me thinking differently. It may culminate in being honest and open with my wife with all I have done. I would love to be able to do that. But it would hurt her terribly, and it might break us up. So the only "winner" would be me, I'd be clearing my conscience, and would maybe be happier with me for the rest of my life, except for having fckd up the lives of my wife and kids. So I don't think I can ever take that option.

As it is, on the outside, and as far as my wife and kids are concerned, I am a really good husband and father, which makes everything all the more ludicrous, head-fcking, unreal etc.

yoshi23

Ye no.1 priority. Don't know what you mean by you "kind of know what needs to be done". You are completely aware that what you are doing is wrong. People stop themselves from doing bad stuff. It's called self control. When people do bad stuff, they often justify their reasons for it. Sometimes their reasons are justifiable or in some way understanding and sometimes it's just elaborate excuses.

Like I said, it's difficult to give advice without knowing what the bad stuff is and I wouldn't want to humour you or inadvertently give you other reasons to justify any behaviours without knowing that. It could be what others would consider very bad or maybe not that bad. You said you like a drink but don't get pissed so I assume it's not substance abuse and I don't think your sneaking out at night doing extreme sports.

You have an internal conflict between who you think you are, your values etc and who you are being and how you are behaving. Probably having difficulty accepting that you are not what you believe is a nice person. If someone else did what you do, what would be your thoughts on them? How would you describe a person like that?

Go see a doctor to deal with your experiences from your past and your current issues. Also start taking control yourself. You'll need to be honest with yourself before you can be with others.

SterlingArcher

WhatIsWrongWithMe? wrote: »

yoshi23 you're very much on the money too.

I kind of know what needs to be done immediately - I need to stop the bad behaviour. In one way or another the method that I have perfected to allow me to "deal" with this, but also why I do this kind of stuff, probably dates back to a fairly traumatic period in my early teens. But there's a lot of people out there that have way worse experiences than I have, and even pointing this out gets away from the number 1 priority - to stop the bad behaviour.

As well as that, I think I need to seek some professional help to try to get me thinking differently. It may culminate in being honest and open with my wife with all I have done. I would love to be able to do that. But it would hurt her terribly, and it might break us up. So the only "winner" would be me, I'd be clearing my conscience, and would maybe be happier with me for the rest of my life, except for having fckd up the lives of my wife and kids. So I don't think I can ever take that option.

As it is, on the outside, and as far as my wife and kids are concerned, I am a really good husband and father, which makes everything all the more ludicrous, head-fcking, unreal etc.

sounds like you may have a touch of the matrix.

Don't tell your wife anything. This may sound deceitful and morally wrong advice but sometimes you don't get to be morally right to feel better at the cost of someone elses happiness because this then itself becomes an act of selfishness.

Alls it will do is transport everyone else there alongside you only they won't have your detachment coping mechanism.

Personally I'd seek some behavioural therapy over medications as the latter may only further enhance that feeling of detachment from life and your reality.

Sesame

If the bad stuff is prostitutes or cheating then you really need to tell your wife as she is at risk of STDs and as your wife she really needs to be aware of the risks she is taking by sleeping with you.
If its porn, which is what I'm more inclined to guess it is, or an extreme porn, it is nt unusual that you feel a dissonance for your family while you escape into that world.
You also do not truly love them if you engage in either and no, you are not a great dad if that's the case.
It sounds like a fairly regular addition problem so if you get in touch with an addition charity they may be able to offer free or reduced counselling.

by8auj6csd3ioq

WhatIsWrongWithMe? wrote: »

Hi - going anonymous for this.

I'm not sure how to put this....for as long as I can remember I have a feeling that I am not fully alive, or that things are not actually real.

It's like life is like I am watching a movie, that I am there but not really there. There are some things that make me feel alive - when I am competing playing sports, after I have had a couple of drinks (I'm not talking about getting pissed)....in those situations I feel fully alive and "turned on", I am me, in full. But the rest of the time I am not fully there or real.

I'm not sure what it is. It affects everything. Especially worrying/unnerving, and I don't write upsetting because I can't feel the upset I should, is in home life. I love my wife and kids. My wife is amazing, a beautiful and caring person, great mother. My kids are brilliant too. But it's like none of it is real.

I've felt like this for donkeys years, for as long as I can remember.

As well as it being a pretty crappy way to go through life, it also "enables" me to do things that are at odds with my own sense of values. When I do them, it's like I haven't really done them. When I am doing something at odds with my values, it's like I zone out of being me, suspend me, and just do it. Often it is something I actually dont even want to do, but it's like a challenge for me to see can I do it. So I sort of become someone else while I am doing it.

I'm not getting into the specifics of this, but lets just say it is like I am on a subtle path to self destruct, or else to destroy all that is anything good in my life.

If I look at a picture of my wife or my kids, I see them, I really see them in a way I don't day to day. And I feel something deep and very emotional just clawing at the edges of me, something trying to get in. Sometimes when I am tickling and hugging and playing and close to them I feel it too. But when I do, it is so fleeting and not permanent, and the status quo replaces it very quickly and I am back to being a mannequin or whatever.

I'm pretty involved in home life, in the kids lives, I dont work ridiculous hours or travel, so I am an involved parent.

Anyone care to share their thoughts on what the fck is going on with me?

Or preferably, are there ways that can help me to be more alive, more fully and completely involved rather than playing a part in a movie that isn't really real. Maybe something like mindfulness techniques or something? I have gone on with this for long enough now and it is only getting worse, and I fear it will all end in tears if I ont do anything about it.

if the bad stuff is drugs like hash/LSD it can cause this depersonalization/derealisation

Dragons

Brenda Rancid Elf wrote: »

if the bad stuff is drugs like hash/LSD it can cause this depersonalization/derealisation

Does it feel like its a different you or different version of you that does these things?

by8auj6csd3ioq

you are asking the wrong person -;)