Growing tired of best friend; what do I do?

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Sooo, basically. I have a best friend. He's been one of my closest friends for 7 years. He's always been a bit cocky, a bit arrogant, a bit competitive, a bit stingy... But I always overlooked these things because he has many positive aspects. He's been one of my best friends for 7 years for a reason.

But recently, I have to say I am getting sick to the f***ing teeth of him. He considers me as his sole best friend, so I don't know if he's just a bit of a dick to me because he knows me so well or what. But I'm really losing my patience with him. He is randomly so condescending, and I always feel like he's engaged in some weird competition with me and is always trying to get one up on me. Seriously, it's not paranoia. When we lived together he was always trying to show off in front of other people, always trying to prove himself to me and to others. He loves to take but, and despite being loaded, gives little back.

I get the impression that he's insecure, hence the need to prove himself and show off all the time. But about what, I can't tell you. There's nothing to be insecure about. He's handsome, tall, very intelligent, a musician, wealthy, has a girlfriend, loving mother, friends, etc etc. He really has one of the most ideal lives you could possibly imagine. So I really fail to understand why he is consistently so competitive and cocky and arrogant.

As I say I've always just gotten over these things because I've always been able to enjoy his company and all the good qualities of him. But about 2 weeks ago I was talking to someone who knew him from childhood, she innocently just said "I remember him being a bit of an asshole when we were kids" and I immediately just blurted out "Yeah he is a bit of an asshole". As if I had this pent up desire to call him an asshole just bubbling within.

I feel like I can't overlook it anymore, can't just idly soak up the smart arse comments, the stinginess, the competitiveness, the one-upmanship. My desire to spend time with him has plummeted since I talked to that woman, and whenever I have, a background annoyance has just festered in my mind. What do I do? I don't want to lose him as a friend but as I say I just can't really hack him anymore. I don't think sitting him down and having a chat is gonna really work. He will probably get really defensive and annoyed. He is pretty rational, though, and would probably listen over time. I know he looks up to me, his ex of 4 years used to always tell me I'm the "apple in his eye" so I don't want him to think I don't want to be his friend anymore. Because I do. But my patience is wearing thin, I can't handle the asshole aspect to him anymore and I don't really know what to do as a result. I know at the end of the day I've put up with is antics for this long so what difference does it make now? But again, if I just let him just carry on the way he does I will grow farther and farther away from him to the point where he will probably ask what's up with me and I'll have to be honest. Something I'd rather not do. I don't know.

Thoughts? Cheers!

dd972

You'll manage without this buffoon in your life like you did beforehand, then look back and think to yourself 'why was I hanging out with that dick?' I cringe when I look back on mates or groups of people or places I used to associate with. If you're not confrontational just ease out gently and do other things and eventually they won't be there anymore. Years back I pulled the plug on a load of drinking associates as a new year resolution and didn't get one phone call as to my whereabouts.

5rtytry56

dd972 wrote: »

You'll manage without this buffoon .

Crossed my mind before I saw it in reply. Pretty much sums up your associate OP.

Big Bag of Chips

Well your choices are, put up with it until one day you can take no more and blurt something out at him/have it out with him in a fit or anger. Or, talk to him now, rationally, telling him that you really value his friendship but you find it tiresome having to put up with little digs all the time.

First option, you'll most certainly lose the friendship. Second option there's a chance you'll lose the friendship, but there's also the chance you'll save it, after an awkward conversation.

Unless you address it and give him the chance to not be an arsehole then the friendship is doomed anyway, because as you get older and mature a bit you'll be less inclined to put up with his BS and you'll just abandon the friendship.

lazybones32

Take a break from him anyway.
I wouldn't suggest burning any bridges yet by telling him what you currently think.

To get all philosophical and wise, friendship is about accepting a person as they are and liking them with warts and all. Maybe he acts more immature with you than others, as odd as it sounds he probably trusts you enough to be childish in your company. He might need longer to mature but it's your call on what behaviours are acceptable to you as a friend.
If he's pi$$ing you off to the degree that you want to cut contact completely...you could have a chat next time he's acting the daw and let that be the line in the sand or just ignore him from here on. I'd prefer to be told i was annoying so.eone rather than being ignored for weeks/months until the question of whether i'm being frozen out becomes accepted.

zoobizoo

You liked him at one stage.

You were best friends for seven years.

How did you become friends? What was it that you liked about him?


Bring it to his attention - you would be doing him a big favour. Someone once brought something to my attention about me and it was an eye opener and it certainly improved my behaviour. I hadn't realised it about myself.


If that woman hadn't said it to you, would he be bothering as much as he is?

Caranica

I had a "best friend" like that. They are no longer in my life. I cut them out following a conversation with a friend (now deceased) who told me that in this world there are drains and radiators. To be truly happy we need to surround ourselves only with radiators. I've never looked back since I took that advice. And even though the friend who advised me was cruelly taken from this world since then, it is one of the things I will always thank them for.

bottlebrush

You say he has many positive aspects. What are these. Is he there for you when you need a friend?

Hannibal_Smith

I think we all know/knew someone like that. It's really tricky, because you react to what they say and you're accused of being oversensitive or weird and you just add fuel to their repartee. I have one at the moment that I'm trying to deal with in work and all I can do is bite my tongue when they start, but give as good as I get when they're not ready for it. If it was a friend, I would (and have) separated myself from them. It's a tricky one.

Phoenix Wright

I recently decided to cut one of my best friends out my life unannounced due to competitiveness and increased nastiness. He was also a complete user, and when I think about it he was never really a friend at all. I left him get away with an awful lot, but the resentment grew to the point where I blocked his number and required therapy to deal with my anger.

One-upmanship can really get out of hand and it can most definitely ruin friendships. Just remember that it's all borne out of low self-esteem and jealousy - you have done nothing wrong, but you don't have to continue dealing with it either. I haven't regretted my decision for even a second.

Purple Mountain

I know I've posted about this situation before in a similar thread..
My childhood bf and I are now poles apart in terms of our achievements, values, ambitions.
She would rate success very highly and tend to speak openly about such achievements. Some would see it as bragging and while I do grit my teeth at times I've just come to accept that side of her.
I know if she was posting here about me, there are things she'd say about me that she finds hard to contend with.
I know for a fact if we met now for the first time we wouldn't stand each other.
But we have decades of history and despite very different paths now, there are sometimes situations or dilemmas I'll only talk to her about because we still connect on a level.
What's happened though in recent years, very subtly and mutually is that we have both pulled back from each other.
Less phone calls, even less meet ups (live hours apart in driving terms).
This actually works well because I think we respect each other more after the space.
That would be my advice to you.
Pull back a bit and see where it goes.
No big drama of silence, just be less available.
He might learn to appreciate you more and things might redefine themselves.
Otherwise, bon voyage!

LynnGrace

I agree on cooling things off. No drama. See how you feel with less time in his company.

I'd also start to call him out on things like stinginess 'come on, pay up' and on smart comments. Say 'what?' and look puzzled as though you haven't heard. Sometimes people are not half as smart when put on the spot to repeat a dig.

I would forget the apple of his eye comment, maybe it is the case, and for some reason he feels he has to undermine you. Friendships evolve and change and sometimes you can have a wake up call when you realise that someone is not really a friend anymore.

dixiefly

LynnGrace wrote: »

I agree on cooling things off. No drama. See how you feel with less time in his company.

I'd also start to call him out on things like stinginess 'come on, pay up' and on smart comments. Say 'what?' and look puzzled as though you haven't heard. Sometimes people are not half as smart when put on the spot to repeat a dig.

I would forget the apple of his eye comment, maybe it is the case, and for some reason he feels he has to undermine you. Friendships evolve and change and sometimes you can have a wake up call when you realise that someone is not really a friend anymore.

I would agree with this. Start calling him out on his comments and start waiting for him to pay up for things rather than offering to pay. Any start to distance yourself from him, let him do the chasing and have, if possible, good excuses to not always meet up.