Son and college

dmm82

Hi all, my son (18) did his leaving cert last year (2016) He started college in September 2016 and after around a month came to me and said he hated his course, it was stressing him out etc. I wasn't happy but he left on the condition that a) he got a job and b) went back to college this year. He eventually found work in a local shop and worked fluctuating hours for the year.

He went back to college to a different degree course last month and is now saying its not what he thought/ its not what he wants to do etc. I'm at my wits end. On one hand yes he's 18 and needs to make his own decisions and mistakes but i honestly don't know what he's going to do otherwise. He doesn't want to do an apprenticeship. He still has the job in the shop but the hours are up and down.

Has anyone any advice? Anytime i try to talk to him it ends up in a row. I want to support him but don't want him throwing his life away either.

Gorgeousgeorge

dmm82 wrote: »

Hi all, my son (18) did his leaving cert last year (2016) He started college in September 2016 and after around a month came to me and said he hated his course, it was stressing him out etc. I wasn't happy but he left on the condition that a) he got a job and b) went back to college this year. He eventually found work in a local shop and worked fluctuating hours for the year.

He went back to college to a different degree course last month and is now saying its not what he thought/ its not what he wants to do etc. I'm at my wits end. On one hand yes he's 18 and needs to make his own decisions and mistakes but i honestly don't know what he's going to do otherwise. He doesn't want to do an apprenticeship. He still has the job in the shop but the hours are up and down.

Has anyone any advice? Anytime i try to talk to him it ends up in a row. I want to support him but don't want him throwing his life away either.

did the very same myself 10 years ago. went to carlow on a construction course left in the october and did a plc for the rest of the year,

got a job in a shop thought it was brilliant had a few pound. roll on 4 years and suddenly realise oh **** end up back in college. bit harder as i had been out of education 5 years while the rest of my friends are just finished 4 year degrees and going to australia/america.

if he is working ask him for money for his up keep/rent lets say 150 per week. but if he stays in college you will look after it.

dmm82

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

did the very same myself 10 years ago. went to carlow on a construction course left in the october and did a plc for the rest of the year,

got a job in a shop thought it was brilliant had a few pound. roll on 4 years and suddenly realise oh **** end up back in college. bit harder as i had been out of education 5 years while the rest of my friends are just finished 4 year degrees and going to australia/america.

if he is working ask him for money for his up keep/rent lets say 150 per week. but if he stays in college you will look after it.

I did try this last year but it was a constant row as some weeks he might have 20 hours and others he might only have 8

That's what I'm trying to tell him, at the end of the four years he can travel etc and doesn't have to actually work in the field the degree is in. But it's like talking to a wall

echo beach

He isn't throwing his life away. Going to college to please you and being miserable, that would be throwing his life away. He is still young and will find his niche but it probably won't be for another few years. He could try to find more regular work but if he is happy where he is and makes enough to keep himself then wait for him to see himself that it is a dead end.
Do insist he pays a reasonable amount for board and lodgings. if he doesn't have it one week then he has to make it up the next. He is an adult and no doubt wants to be treated like one so he has to understand those things aren't free.

dmm82

echo beach wrote: »

He isn't throwing his life away. Going to college to please you and being miserable, that would be throwing his life away. He is still young and will find his niche but it probably won't be for another few years. He could try to find more regular work but if he is happy where he is and makes enough to keep himself then wait for him to see himself that it is a dead end.
Do insist he pays a reasonable amount for board and lodgings. if he doesn't have it one week then he has to make it up the next. He is an adult and no doubt wants to be treated like one so he has to understand those things aren't free.

Yeh you're right. I have said this to him and he's not happy with that either as feels its unfair as he's my son! Tough though, if hes not in college he's paying his way and that's that!

I had to be shown the door before I realised the opportunity I was throwing away. I was forced to fend for myself and ended up spending a year in London. Tough love could be an option. It was hard at the time but now I wish I had moved out of my comfort zone sooner.

witchgirl26

dmm82 wrote: »

I did try this last year but it was a constant row as some weeks he might have 20 hours and others he might only have 8

That's what I'm trying to tell him, at the end of the four years he can travel etc and doesn't have to actually work in the field the degree is in. But it's like talking to a wall

OP my mam used to work out what I paid into the house (anytime I was earning) based on a %. I was allowed to deduct costs for lunches/travel and then apply the % on the rest of the income earned to pay in. Worked well.

In terms of college - I honestly wouldn't see the good in forcing someone to go to college for at least 3 years if it's not something they're engaging in. Now if he was in the final year, maybe tell him to stick it out as he's gotten that far but it could very much be a case that he doesn't know what he wants to do yet and that is ok. My best friend only figured out at 30 what it was she wanted to do and it was nothing to do with her degree at all.

dmm82

Yeh im thinking the same thing myself. Thanks everyone. Also, what do people think is a fair % of his wages to hand over each week?

mugsymugsy

dmm82 wrote: »

Yeh im thinking the same thing myself. Thanks everyone. Also, what do people think is a fair % of his wages to hand over each week?

25% but higher if that includes meals and bills etc

irelandrover

dmm82 wrote: »

Yeh im thinking the same thing myself. Thanks everyone. Also, what do people think is a fair % of his wages to hand over each week?

Id say let him deduct lunches and travel and 40% of the rest.

if you dont need the money then stick it into a savings account for him.

Sunny Dayz

Has he any idea what he would like to do? Even narrowing it down to a particular field: business, science, teaching, construction, etc. Any subjects in school he enjoyed? Any hobbies or interests that could lead to a career? You've said nothing about what he tried in college or what he'd like to do. Does he even know himself? Perhaps see if you can bring him to a guidance counsellor, see where his interest lie and if they can help him with a college/course application or to brush up his cv.
Many people don't know when they start college what they want to do with their lives, I know many of my friends didn't. But they picked a general course to get a qualification that would help them a little further along in life.

Pelvis

There is no point forcing him to go to college if he doesn't want to. It could be years before he really knows what he wants to do.

But, if he wants to work like an adult, then he needs to live like an adult. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he now has to fend for himself. Tell him he needs to move out, get his own flat or room somewhere, wash his own clothes, cook his own meals and pay his own bills.

If you are against this, then at the very least I would be taking at least 60% of his wage off him, 30% as rent, and 30% going into savings.

witchgirl26

irelandrover wrote: »

Id say let him deduct lunches and travel and 40% of the rest.

if you dont need the money then stick it into a savings account for him.

God I think that's a bit high!

mugsymugsy wrote: »

25% but higher if that includes meals and bills etc

I paid 25% after lunches/travel were deducted and that was for meals at home. However I was also given set tasks in the house - weekly food shop, ironing, cleaning on top of that. These would increase if my hours a particular week were low.

I was also expected to pay for any of my own luxuries myself so no help with mobile phone costs, toiletries (bar the basics like toothpaste that was for everyone), clothes etc. Bank of mam & dad was well and truly closed. And if I did need extra for something, then a payment plan was put in place to pay it back in a short space of time.

dmm82

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Has he any idea what he would like to do? Even narrowing it down to a particular field: business, science, teaching, construction, etc. Any subjects in school he enjoyed? Any hobbies or interests that could lead to a career? You've said nothing about what he tried in college or what he'd like to do. Does he even know himself? Perhaps see if you can bring him to a guidance counsellor, see where his interest lie and if they can help him with a college/course application or to brush up his cv.
Many people don't know when they start college what they want to do with their lives, I know many of my friends didn't. But they picked a general course to get a qualification that would help them a little further along in life.

He did engineering last year and hated it. He spent the year then saying he wanted to do business but now that he's doing it he says its not how he thought it would be. Both courses were in the same college and he's also now saying he doesn't like the college so maybe this is part of the problem. I have asked him to speak to a guidance counsellor but he won't. He's very much of the mindset that he knows best so won't take advice from people. Typical 18 year old i suppose! 😕

freshpopcorn

Hi OP,
I studied something at college and I didn't really enjoy it but you could leave after two years with a cert in the course or stay on for the full three years. Lots of people hated the course and don't enjoy the academic element of college.
People stayed on at it tough and when I look at these people online now they have totally left the industry but there college degree/cert/etc really stood to them.
Id he's studying business it can be used in lots of different ways in the future. I'd ask him to try and stick it out for the year (obviously if things got really bad he could leave). He might enjoy it in the work place mores so. Are there any work placements?
If he did drop out I'd recommend that he look at PLC courses.
College isn't for everyone and lots of people I know didn't enjoy it at all but are happy in the work place.

juneg

Contact the college student support services?

dmm82

juneg wrote: »

Contact the college student support services?

Thanks he is going to speak to them today