It's come to an end.....

LegacyUser

Hi Boards,

I posted a thread recently about trust and communication issues with my boyfriend of 18 months. Many of you gave good advice.

He was in Vegas recently and I felt he was different when he got back. I got messaged from a girl warning me that he had cheated with a girl, let's say called Mary. I confronted him, after he paraded me around a family dinner when I knew something was up. I explained about the message about Mary, which he denied to the ground and made feel I was the one causing issues. Anyway, after considering, my sister mailed this Mary and got the truth. They had met and spent a full day together and had physical sex. I am going to consider getting tested.

I sent him a screenshot of Mary and he basically grovelled and was full of bull. I am absolutely numb, and sad, and angry, and heartbroken.

Please tell me how I move on, how can I ever trust again after this dreadful experience, which I would not wish on my worst enemy.

chaz44

Your not just going to click your fingers and be OK it'll take a while. Just keep really busy, go out , meet with friends, do exercise etc But u should be counting your lucky stars you found out and have gotten out because imagine finding out 5 years from now. Go for counciling. I did it after a break up and it helped me loads!

WIZWEB

Counselling is a great idea. I'm doing it currently after a relationship of manipulations and lies. You also need to make this bloke an ex. Put up your boundaries which includes blocking him on all social media, from texting and calling. Full no contact including not responding to any bs including begging, promises to change or other lies. Even arguing against his manipulations To him is leaving yourself open to emotional manipulation and long drawn out pain.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.. His friends and family are now in touch with me telling me how in bits he is, and how they know he would never do this again to me. And I thought I was doing well, despite being off work due to the impact of all of this on me. I can't hep but think of him, and how stupid it is to say I miss him and just wish this was all some kind of sick joke.

Neyite

He's sent in the flying monkeys then. Don't listen to them.

Of course he's sorry. Sorry he got caught and he'll be a lot more careful with is communications the next time to make sure he doesn't get caught out.

He not only cheated on you, but then he lied and lied to you and then tried to make out you were in the wrong. All to get him off the hook. It was only when you got proof he couldn't deny that he likely only admitted what he done. He was going to deny and deny and deny until you made yourself crazy over it. Not much remorse then, eh? How could he be trusted after that?

You miss him - that's natural. And it will fade in time if you keep busy and avoid him and all his monkeys. And you'll look back and feel nothing but relief he's out of your life. But it will take time.

kylith

Block them. Block them all.

If it helps send them one final message along the lines of 'He had sex with another woman and denied it. I will never take him back. Shame on you for asking me to.' before you block them.

Ursus Horribilis

I had a look at what I think was your other thread. Back then, there seemed to be the underlying fear that he wasn't as into you as you were him. In hindsight, that has proved to be the case. If he loved and respected you, he wouldn't have given "Mary" the time of day, let alone gone on that day long date/had sex with her. Where exactly did she come from anyway? Had he been chatting to her online before this? Regardless of what self-pitying bullsh1t he's coming out with now, he knew exactly what he was doing. I wonder who alerted you and why? Was it someone who has seen him cheat before and thought it was time the unsuspecting girlfriend learned the truth?

Even if you take him back (please don't!) you will never ever trust him again. You can never go back to the way you were. You'll always find yourself wondering where he is and what he's doing. Let's not forget that he did absolutely everything he possibly could to avoid admitting to the truth. All he'll do in the future is be more careful and cover his tracks. Do you really want to have someone this dishonest in your life?

MissShihTzu

Delete, Block, Blank, Move on. Rinse and repeat until all traces are gone!

Stay strong, girl!

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I had a look at what I think was your other thread. Back then, there seemed to be the underlying fear that he wasn't as into you as you were him. In hindsight, that has proved to be the case. If he loved and respected you, he wouldn't have given "Mary" the time of day, let alone gone on that day long date/had sex with her. Where exactly did she come from anyway? Had he been chatting to her online before this? Regardless of what self-pitying bullsh1t he's coming out with now, he knew exactly what he was doing. I wonder who alerted you and why? Was it someone who has seen him cheat before and thought it was time the unsuspecting girlfriend learned the truth?

Even if you take him back (please don't!) you will never ever trust him again. You can never go back to the way you were. You'll always find yourself wondering where he is and what he's doing. Let's not forget that he did absolutely everything he possibly could to avoid admitting to the truth. All he'll do in the future is be more careful and cover his tracks. Do you really want to have someone this dishonest in your life?

I have no idea where she came from. I guess they met in Vegas. I have no idea if he was with anyone else prior to this. I suppose it doesn't matter because it doesn't change the unforgivable **** he has done. I got a message on social media from a girl whom I thought was Mary's friend. She blocked me after alerting me. My ex was messaging her when he got home and when I was in his presence, saying he would love Mary, who lives in the US, to come visit him.

I wonder why he is being so silent. I had thought he would have tried to make contact which I guess confirms the little remorse he really has about it all.

Dixie Chick

It is the spending of the full day with her would be the killer for me...it was not a drunken mistake (not that that is cool) but he just basically took a day off from ye and slept with someone else.

He also denied it so really was just protecting himself and not you, no matter what he says

It is very sad. It has happened me in another form in a previous relationship and it really really hurts

Mind yourself.

Sephiroth_dude

Nipinthebud17 wrote: »

I have no idea where she came from. I guess they met in Vegas. I have no idea if he was with anyone else prior to this. I suppose it doesn't matter because it doesn't change the unforgivable **** he has done. I got a message on social media from a girl whom I thought was Mary's friend. She blocked me after alerting me. My ex was messaging her when he got home and when I was in his presence, saying he would love Mary, who lives in the US, to come visit him.

I wonder why he is being so silent. I had thought he would have tried to make contact which I guess confirms the little remorse he really has about it all.

You are well rid of this knob! block and delete him and his family too and concentrate on getting yourself back too your best.

Katgurl

He is awful. He has treated you appallingly. It is fine to miss him and the man you thought he was but under no circumstances should you consider giving him the time of day. He will manipulate you with words again; he didn't realise how much he loved you till he lost you, he was a fool, he took you for granted but he has learned his lesson.

It is not just one betrayal here;

He spent the day with her (yes how did that even come about?).
He had sex with her.
He messaged her friend.
He tried to convince you that you were crazy and paranoid.
He is now not allowing you time to heal but throwing a tantrum because you have made the decision for him.

He doesn't love you and he is not a decent human being.

Any of the above is enough to say goodbye forever but all of them.

He doesn't deserve as much as a conversation from you. But most of all, you deserve more than to be exposed to someone like him again.

I suggest counselling also. You've had a terrible shock and it will take time to get over it. Give yourself this time to heal and no doubt the next guy who comes along will be much more deserving.

WIZWEB

OP there has been total disregard of your feelings in his actions. Unfortunately he's made his personality trait clear through his actions and lies. You need to extend your boundaries. He has no respect for you. Try not to take it personal. Easy for me to say I know. Don't beat yourself up about his motives. You can be an incredibly beautiful person in both body and spirit yet selfish people like him will always chase any easy option. It's very normal to be in shock after such a horrible experience.

As pointed out by others you also need to block the 'flying monkeys', his friends and family. Some may be genuine people but underneath I would be 100% sure he has manipulated them as he has you. We all want answers after something deplorable like this happens to us. You won't find them or will be dumped with more lies and manipulations. Imagine how you will feel if you go back and this happens again (& again which it would). Sorry but probably has happened before. Someone who loves you or even just cares for another human being would not treat them like you are being treated. Yes men & women do make mistakes. Not in this case. His actions were calculated as is the gaslighting, minimising of your feelings, disrespect and mindgame playing which shows us otherwise. Think of your recovery and maintaining your self-respect.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

He is awful. He has treated you appallingly. It is fine to miss him and the man you thought he was but under no circumstances should you consider giving him the time of day. He will manipulate you with words again; he didn't realise how much he loved you till he lost you, he was a fool, he took you for granted but he has learned his lesson.

It is not just one betrayal here;

He spent the day with her (yes how did that even come about?).
He had sex with her.
He messaged her friend.
He tried to convince you that you were crazy and paranoid.
He is now not allowing you time to heal but throwing a tantrum because you have made the decision for him.

He doesn't love you and he is not a decent human being.

Any of the above is enough to say goodbye forever but all of them.

He doesn't deserve as much as a conversation from you. But most of all, you deserve more than to be exposed to someone like him again.

I suggest counselling also. You've had a terrible shock and it will take time to get over it. Give yourself this time to heal and no doubt the next guy who comes along will be much more deserving.

Thanks for this. It is awful to see it summed up in a list. I went back to work and am managing to look after myself but I can't help feel so dramatic in how tough I am finding it all to shake off. My understanding is he met her one night and they just kissed, and he and a buddy (who also cheated on his girlfriend) met these two lasses for a drinking session the next day. It was certainly premeditated. I also think it was not the first time or maybe he was leading up to this.

I blocked all of the family and my social media is deactivated for now. He arrived at my door this evening when I returned from work. It was not a pretty sight. I didn't let him see me upset, or angry. Despite my wanting to go absolutely crazy, I got my housemate to remove him. He is now texting off a different number. I don't know what to do.

amtc

You poor love. I get exactly how you're feeling when the person who hurt you is the only person you wanted to comfort you. But yet want to beat them! The only advice I can give you to be kind to yourself. From my relationship some years ago it was the intimacy between him and her killed me. He had gone on a work trip to the US and just came back different. I can't explain it. Bought me a perfume I had never worn before and told me was my favourite. I had worn the same one for 7 years! Started calling me love and darling rather than my name. Eventually I overheard him on the phone going 'I can't talk, she's here's. This was in the solicitors when we were signing for our house. I was physically sick that day.

We split up because I could not let it go. But rather than the physical bit it was the emotional betrayal of the person I trusted so much killed me. I also really missed his friends and family as I was the link (he wasn't close to them).

When I split up from my ex I went to the house that I had never really moved into and removed furniture etc. To this day I remember turning on my heel and saying 'have a good life' I cried for months but the last he saw of me was a strong woman walking away. It is very hard but you have to fake it till you make it.

I'm not sure counselling would help as you know all the answers. Time will.

Someone told me a phrase recently 'go gently which might help.

Estrellita

Nipinthebud17 wrote: »

Please tell me how I move on, how can I ever trust again after this dreadful experience, which I would not wish on my worst enemy.

You miss the person you thought he was. The person you loved wasn't a cheater or someone who would hurt you. Make an appointment with a counselor, you're in shock and are vulnerable. Accepting him back is only putting a band aid on a massive issue, you can't allow your heart to rule your head here.

Never mind what everyone else is saying. Tell them you don't want to fall out with them, but please just butt out. It's your life, your choice to end things. If the shoe was on the other foot would they be just as willing to take back a cheater?

Get counseling, keep busy and rebuild your life without him. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he's behaving himself when you're not around. You deserve better than that shít.

Yellow pack crisps

Forget him. You will
Come out stronger and more world worldly after this. You can't control his actions, but you can your own, do not let this rip you apart and turn you into something or someone else, if need be seek help to deal with the grief because that is what it is. Every week will get a bit better until the time you wake up one day and you will realise you lost nothing but gained something instead. It's really time to start doing those things you have the time to do now. Don't think about how you willl meet or trust someone new but more how you will heal yourself and let yourself be free from these feelings that are embattling you now.

Ursus Horribilis

Block him on any other number he tries to call/text you on. Don't let him badger you into taking him back. He's only thinking about himself here. He was only thinking of himself when he met up with Mary. He was only thinking of himself when he had sex with her. Now he's only thinking of himself because he now has no girlfriend. He only has himself to blame here.

MissShihTzu

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Block him on any other number he tries to call/text you on. Don't let him badger you into taking him back. He's only thinking about himself here. He was only thinking of himself when he met up with Mary. He was only thinking of himself when he had sex with her. Now he's only thinking of himself because he now has no girlfriend. He only has himself to blame here.

Oh I wouldn't worry about Boyfriend. He'll soon find another one to play the fool with. OP needs to look after herself. He clearly doesn't give a sh1t about her. Why should she about him?

LegacyUser

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Oh I wouldn't worry about Boyfriend. He'll soon find another one to play the fool with. OP needs to look after herself. He clearly doesn't give a sh1t about her. Why should she about him?

The friends have been on to me in force as his mother again. I am ignoring. I just am finding it hard to understand how I spent so much time/invested in someone who was actually capable of being so deceitful. I know the circumstances of him cheating were premeditated and he had a date of some sort with the girl. I am finding it hard to hate him, despite how abhorrently he has treated me. I can't voice this with my family or friends, or say that some evenings I miss him and the companion aspect of the relationship because they just go mad at me being so stupid. You can't just switch your feelings off for someone.

To be clear, I am not considering taking him back in any capacity, but I am still finding all of this so difficult to get through. I have been to the G.P to refer me to counselling, but he thinks I am in shock and that it will pass. It’s 10 days now, and I still don’t feel normal. I am focusing on making it to work/eating/minding myself, but psychologically I am numb.

Neyite

That's a perfectly normal reaction. The numbness can last for a while. It's also very normal to still have feelings for someone yet know the relationship is gone for good. And you can also miss having 'someone' rather than specifically him. It's a type of grief really, and not dissimilar to a bereavement with you grieving for the future you thought you had together, for the loss of companionship, and all that. It will pass, but it's early days yet.

WIZWEB

GP's have their function but operate off the medical model. Basically a pill for every ill. Social and psychological issues cannot be handled with pills though some doctors forget this. Thankfully that methodology is being disregarded here (I hope). That aside you should be encouraged by your a GP to engage in counselling and I am surprised they are stonewalling this. Independently seek personal counselling Asap. You can immediately bypass a GP for this. It will give you clarity and guidance while also engaging with the GP if appropriate.