How to get over falling in love with a women that has a boyfriend

StayingStrong

Hey

Title says it all really.

Im a 23 year old fella and I recently got to know a woman through mental health workshops that is basically my ideal woman. Smart, beautiful, fun, bubbly and frankly the only woman that I have felt a strong emotional connection with in a long time. However she has a boyfriend is very happy with him.
I broke off all contact with her as I was finding even seeing her was making me feel awful. I decided to tell her my feelings for her and that was why I couldn't see her anymore. She thanked me for being so honest and hoped that in time we could become friends.

I suffer from mental illnesses, mainly anxiety, depression and purely obsessional OCD. Due to these problems I was going through a really tough patch which included severe loneliness with a lack of friends and romantic relationships. Doesn't help I live in rural Ireland.
This woman was like a ray of shining light for me and frankly everything I wanted in woman and to not be able to try and pursue her has left me heartbroken.

I feel lonely, lost and just like im in a maze where I can't get out. I worry if I'll ever find a woman that just gets me as well as her.

Any advice would be a great help. Thank you

never_mind

StayingStrong wrote: »

Hey

Title says it all really.

Im a 23 year old fella and I recently got to know a woman through mental health workshops that is basically my ideal woman. Smart, beautiful, fun, bubbly and frankly the only woman that I have felt a strong emotional connection with in a long time. However she has a boyfriend is very happy with him.
I broke off all contact with her as I was finding even seeing her was making me feel awful. I decided to tell her my feelings for her and that was why I couldn't see her anymore. She thanked me for being so honest and hoped that in time we could become friends.

I suffer from mental illnesses, mainly anxiety, depression and purely obsessional OCD. Due to these problems I was going through a really tough patch which included severe loneliness with a lack of friends and romantic relationships. Doesn't help I live in rural Ireland.
This woman was like a ray of shining light for me and frankly everything I wanted in woman and to not be able to try and pursue her has left me heartbroken.

I feel lonely, lost and just like im in a maze where I can't get out. I worry if I'll ever find a woman that just gets me as well as her.

Any advice would be a great help. Thank you

It can be hard to let go of someone in this context, particularly as you haven't felt this emotion or connection in awhile. However, I think that maybe as you go through recovery that you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that part of your attraction to her is coincidence. Is it possible that this attraction is more to do with your recovery rather than her as an actual object of your affection?

The usual advice here would be to cut contact, get out there, see people, join clubs and make meaningful connections with people which I agree with. But be kind to yourself. Grief takes many forms and you are now going to be down a bit by letting go of her. She had an opportunity to reassess your connection with her when you told her and she didn't act - we know now that she doesn't feel the same unfortunately. However, she I can see why you like her - she reacted very well to it in an understanding and respectful way.

Hopefully in time you can go back to that friendship but for now I would try and distance yourself while you try and refocus your attention. Try and reach out to other people, keep attending group sessions, and track your progress. Reward yourself for the good work you have done and get on with things.

Just as you have recovered from your depression, you will recover from this. You are resilient.

StayingStrong

never_mind wrote: »

It can be hard to let go of someone in this context, particularly as you haven't felt this emotion or connection in awhile. However, I think that maybe as you go through recovery that you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that part of your attraction to her is coincidence. Is it possible that this attraction is more to do with your recovery rather than her as an actual object of your affection?

The usual advice here would be to cut contact, get out there, see people, join clubs and make meaningful connections with people which I agree with. But be kind to yourself. Grief takes many forms and you are now going to be down a bit by letting go of her. She had an opportunity to reassess your connection with her when you told her and she didn't act - we know now that she doesn't feel the same unfortunately. However, she I can see why you like her - she reacted very well to it in an understanding and respectful way.

Hopefully in time you can go back to that friendship but for now I would try and distance yourself while you try and refocus your attention. Try and reach out to other people, keep attending group sessions, and track your progress. Reward yourself for the good work you have done and get on with things.

Just as you have recovered from your depression, you will recover from this. You are resilient.

Thank you for your lovely reply.

I haven't actually recovered from my depression etc which is why this is extra hard atm. When you have absolutely nothing and then all you wanted in a girl comes along but you can't have, it leaves ya back at having nothing except with thoughts and feelings that make ya feel like absolute ****.

never_mind

StayingStrong wrote: »

Thank you for your lovely reply.

I haven't actually recovered from my depression etc which is why this is extra hard atm. When you have absolutely nothing and then all you wanted in a girl comes along but you can't have, it leaves ya back at having nothing except with thoughts and feelings that make ya feel like absolute ****.

I know all about depression and anxiety... and this one sentence stood out to me. This thread isn't about your depression, and I don't want it to get lost in this, but more than likely you have a lot more in life than you think. Are you attending 1-on-1 sessions with someone that you can open up to about her? Maybe even talk to a brother/dad/friend? We have all been rejected. If I had a euro for every time someone rejected me I would be living in Spain sipping martinis and still have no luck with women!!!

Unfortunately, it appears that she was never something you could have had and you knew that to a degree. Maybe it was safe to approach her knowing this? This isn't something you lost out on, it was something you never had but something you tried to get which shows me that you are advocating for yourself which is a good sign.

But I have to say, OP, fair balls to you for approaching her and telling her what's what. Life is too short hiding your feelings and what you have proven to yourself is that you are capable of having these feelings and dealing with them maturely!! Now get on the Tinder machine and find yourself a nice woman who sees you for the great person you are.

lazybones32

It would be better for you to not get romantically involved for a while. Why? You aren't in the position to be in a healthy relationship and you will be in danger of building yourself up based on the others' opinion of you; based on her affection for you. There is a very high probability that she will become a 'crutch' for you and a lot of your progress could be reliant on her approval and love. (and what would happen if you broke up? back to the start) Your progress has to be your own doing but it can't be achieved in isolation. Keep going to the meetings, accept all the support that comes your way and offer support and acceptance to those around you too. You have a lot to give to others.

The feelings this woman has evoked in you is a sign you are human. She isn't your saviour, so take her off the pedestal. You bared your wounds and she treated them respectfully - it's natural to feel affection for her, if she is as nice as you say. There are many, many great women out there and you will meet them across your life, so don't think an opportunity has passed forever.

So, how to stop the strong feelings you have for her? It's as easy as stopping yourself from being depressed.....unfortunately.
Receive all the love, affection and acceptance that is shown to you. Cultivate friendships. Develop interests. When you find yourself fantasising/imagining about being with her, stop yourself. Your mind is a muscle and can be trained.

StayingStrong

Thank you all for the replies, much appreciated. The hole is still there in my heart but hopefully it will heal with time.