Two small issues -how do I bring them up?

LegacyUser

Hi I am late 20s and have been on two dates with a guy I know for a long time. We would have kissed a few times five or six years ago when we initially got to know each other through friends. He is shy when it comes to girls and nothing ever came of things back then for various reasons. We would have been in sporadic contact over the years and since the phase of us kissing on nights out had passed we would have been still friendly when we encountered each other. I have gone through phases of really liking him and not thinking about him at all but I always said that if he ever asked me out I would go because we get on really well and always have.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago when I was celebrating a birthday among friends which meant he was coming. Our friends have felt for a while that there was something between us and one of them said to him that he had been looking at me all night and if he was interested to make a move. He told her that he was but the last time we saw each other it was weird between us but he did like me. That night he asked me out on a date the following Monday and he has been making an effort ever since bar two things. Both of our dates went really well and he asked me out on the second date just as we were saying goodbye from the first. He offered to bring me for dinner instead of our original plan for the first date as he wanted to do something nice with it being my birthday.

So things have been going really well apart from two things and I don't know how to approach them without coming across like I am demanding. The first one is that even though I am 99% sure he likes me he doesn't seem to ask me a lot about myself. The second one is that he snapchats me rather than texts. I have no issue with the odd snapchat as we had been in contact that way before quite a lot, but when we are now seeing each other and aren't just "friends" I would prefer if he texted. It's annoying that if I don't reply to a snapchat straight away I have actually forgotten what he has said a few times and have had to whatsapp. When I do this he replies and there are no issues and then the next time he contacts me it's through snapchat.
The first issue regarding him not asking me a lot about myself is something I am a bit confused by. It's not like he isn't interested as he contacts me regularly and has arranged our 3rd date this week. For example, he snapchatted me yesterday and I was asking him how his day was. He replied in a friendly manner but never asked me anything. I replied about something he said and asked him about it. Again he answered but never asked me anything. Our conversations seem to be more chit/chat rather than anything else and we do know quite a lot about each other from our dates as we never stop talking and joking when together.

I don't know if I should or how I should approach this with him. Any advice would be great. I am reluctant to rock the boat as things are really good other than that but I don't think it's feasible long term to conduct dating/communication basically solely over snapchat.

skallywag

justaquickq wrote: »

...It's annoying that if I don't reply to a snapchat straight away I have actually forgotten what he has said a few times and have had to whatsapp...

Just tell him this, seems completely reasonable to me.

WIZWEB

Technology offers so much in the way of communicating. However you're right to look at these early communication issues. Maybe suggest a compromise like talking on the telephone instead. Much more natural and a better way to interact and share a conversation. Ideally face to face dates are the best way of communicating and getting to know each other.

A red flag for me which you have identified is that even at this early stage there is a lack of interest in your life. If someone likes you they tend to be really interested in getting to know you. Also there is some attempting to control how you communicate even though you have informed him that Snapchatting is not working for you. This is about respect and boundaries. Might be nothing and all could be resolved after a little communicating your needs more directly as suggested by Skallywag. If problem is resolved after this then great. If not then your needs are never going to be a priority to this lad.

retro:electro

I'd have a big issue with trying to communicate with someone who can't even ask how was your day or little things like that. It doesn't take much to ask but it shows a whole lot when it's not asked and to me it shows he's actually not that interested. Are you engaging through pictures the whole time? Sounds like he's more interested in a visual fix and isn't that interested in small talk.

_Whimsical_

It's very early days and he's not even asking how you are and your day is in small talk? Does he ask other things, is he asking questions wanting to learn about you?

If not I wouldn't expect that to be something you'd have to ask him to do. That's very basic social pleasantries, it's something you naturally do too if you have any interest in the person you're speaking to unless you're very self-consumed and selfish by nature.

If I was you I think I might try backing off and see if he lifts his game and starts contacting you to see how you are.

I have to say though I don't know why you'd be interested in someone who wouldn't be doing the tiniest things to make you feel like you matter. In my experience, people like this don't tend to become interested in you as time goes on, the opposite happens, they confide more in you and expect you to feed their ego with your interest in them while giving less and less in return.

Steviesol

I can relate, I had crippling low self esteem and asking a question felt like I was snooping, or being a pain. I would suggest give him time and he willis come out of his shell

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
We are meeting up later so I will see how things go and I will probably mention it to him then.
The communication has now moved on to the chatting option on snapchat so it's a bit easier in the sense that we can talk as normal.
I guess another issue I have with the snapchat communication is that sometimes when he sends them they are quite general in that I'm not sure if he sends them to 10 people or just me. At least if he texts me I know the message is specifically for me. I don't know how to bring that up without sounding possessive or that I'm trying to rush things but I am finding it sort of hard to communicate with someone who maybe wasn't intending on me replying to them, if that makes sense.
In answer to the query about showing interest in me; In person he does and asks me various things about my life. We know quite a bit about each other and I found on the second date he was much more confident and revealed a bit more about himself. A bit of a disaster happened me on our last date and he drove out of his way to help me and was so kind about it all so I am pretty sure he likes me but when I think of the snap chatting and no effort made to specifically contact me I get a bit insecure.
I will see how things go later but I think I need to bring it up as it is the only thing that is bugging me and things are going really well between us other than that.

leggo

I'm gonna take a slightly different tack. I've hooked up with and dated friends before and what I find is that you just communicate the way you always would've anyway beforehand. So I think you're projecting this image of how you think a boyfriend should act onto him a bit when he's just chatting to you as he normally would. It's totally fine if you don't like how he communicates, your option is to not communicate with him at all. But also allow for the fact that he may be a bit awkward and trying to figure things out while dating a friend and changing the dynamic of your relationship somewhat. When you first start seeing someone in general there's a period where you're figuring out stuff like when/how you communicate etc then you settle into things and can be yourself. He could just be awkward in that phase and it'll pass.

As far as Snapchat goes there are two solutions: do you know when you're on Snapchat chat you can save messages? Just hold down the message and it'll save, so you can read it properly when you're ready to reply. I do the same in that I'll scan messages then get back to them when I can chat properly, that feature is so handy for that. Alternatively, it's something you can literally say and it's not a big deal. I've done the same. Even make a joke of it like when he texts you on Snapchat text him back on Whatsapp and be like "Nope we're chatting on here I can't stand talking on snapchat!"