Feeling silly..

Smiley283

Met a guy at christmas who lives 2.5 hour drive away. Kept in daily contact and met up for dates when we could.

We kept this arrangement as I was supposed to be transferring jobs to his city in the summer so we thought there was too much of a spark between us to not give it a chance even if it meant being casual for a few extra months. (We havent slept together as I prefer to be exclusive with a guy before I take that step)

Due to family members health I have post poned my move until after Christmas. As a result I told him in August that there isnt really any point dragging this casual relationship going on between us any further. He understood but said that he would like to keep in contact and we speak 2-3 times a week.

Met up for lunch with him last week as friends and although it was great seeing him I'm actually pretty cut up about it.

We have a mutual friend and she told me that she thinks I've made a mistake by ending things with him as have my friends who dont even really know him!!

Generally I'm a confident and secure person who would always like to believe that 'what will be, will be'. Underneath it all I guess I just hope were both single when I move to his city so we can give things a proper chance but a lot can happen in 4 months.....

I feel terribly silly for posting this but I got emotionally attached to him and I just need tips on how to move on and deal with the jealousy of him getting with another girl.

The Princess Bride

I'm not one for promoting long distance relationships, but if it worked from Christmas until August, I probably would have continued on until this Christmas and see how things go when you move.
It's October this weekend, Christmas is only a few weeks away.

I don't think you'd have been so cut up about seeing him last week, if you didn't really like him.

Not the advice you're looking for, but I don't think someone special comes into our lives every day.

rcarroll

You'd be silly not to try. He's obviously still interested otherwise he'd have drifted by now. You're right, a lot can happen in 4 months. But then again, I'm assuming you're a little older than early 20's so I also know that 4mths is a lot shorter the older you get, and when you meet someone you like, you really should give it a shot, it's not so easy these days to meet a genuine bloke and from the sounds of it, he is. Make an effort - he already has

stargazer 68

Op when I met my now husband he lived 2.5 hours drive away. We did that for a year and then he moved to Dublin. It can be done. And if it's only for a few more months you could give it a go.

Maybe meet again and see what he says. It's worth a shot imo

witchgirl26

OP if you like him and you know in the future you will be living nearer and are hoping he'll be single, why did you break things off? Honestly? (to yourself I mean).

Long distance isn't great but if there's an end in sight to it, then yeah it can work. My brother and his wife didn't live in the same country for 3 years of their relationship but it was down to college etc so they could see light and worked towards that.

If he's still interested, and you're cut up about it, I'd say speak to him and ask him if he'd be up for giving things another go and see how you are then when you move near him after Christmas.

Smiley283

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP if you like him and you know in the future you will be living nearer and are hoping he'll be single, why did you break things off? Honestly? (to yourself I mean).

Long distance isn't great but if there's an end in sight to it, then yeah it can work. My brother and his wife didn't live in the same country for 3 years of their relationship but it was down to college etc so they could see light and worked towards that.

If he's still interested, and you're cut up about it, I'd say speak to him and ask him if he'd be up for giving things another go and see how you are then when you move near him after Christmas.

Without coming across as a bunny boiler (i swear I amn't) by August I was finding it difficult knowing we werent exclusive and hated the thoughts of him dating other girls. In saying that I was dating other guys but noone held a candle to how I felt about him.

witchgirl26

Smiley283 wrote: »

Without coming across as a bunny boiler (i swear I amn't) by August I was finding it difficult knowing we werent exclusive and hated the thoughts of him dating other girls. In saying that I was dating other guys but noone held a candle to how I felt about him.

If it concerns you that much maybe talk about being exclusive - it doesn't have to mean your mad serious about each other but does clarify things for the both of you.

leggo

Smiley283 wrote: »

Without coming across as a bunny boiler (i swear I amn't) by August I was finding it difficult knowing we werent exclusive and hated the thoughts of him dating other girls. In saying that I was dating other guys but noone held a candle to how I felt about him.

You're responding to being delayed by finishing with him. You're worried about him dating other girls (despite the fact that you yourself are dating) so you finish it. I'm not having a go but if you listen to this advice it might change everything for you: deal with the problem that's in front of you.

It's not nice or fair for you to just assume stuff on his behalf and finish with him when that's not what either of you want, being or feeling rejected can really hurt another person. Talk to him about how you feel instead of just pushing the eject button at a moment's notice, and hope that you haven't hurt him and he'll be happy to take you back. I have one ex who did similar and she's lucky if she even gets a response to a text from me now these days, when I think she thought I'd just be waiting for her when she was ready to get back to me. No, it hurts to have that done to you, and when you hurt someone they owe you nothing in return.

Smiley283

leggo wrote: »

You're responding to being delayed by finishing with him. You're worried about him dating other girls (despite the fact that you yourself are dating) so you finish it. I'm not having a go but if you listen to this advice it might change everything for you: deal with the problem that's in front of you.

It's not nice or fair for you to just assume stuff on his behalf and finish with him when that's not what either of you want, being or feeling rejected can really hurt another person. Talk to him about how you feel instead of just pushing the eject button at a moment's notice, and hope that you haven't hurt him and he'll be happy to take you back. I have one ex who did similar and she's lucky if she even gets a response to a text from me now these days, when I think she thought I'd just be waiting for her when she was ready to get back to me. No, it hurts to have that done to you, and when you hurt someone they owe you nothing in return.

Jesus Christ... I feel like a prick... how did I never consider that he actually might have been hurt.... I was so wrapped up in saving my own feelings I forgot to consider his. Usually Im the person putting others in front of my own but christ, your message has really struck a cord with me. Definitely going to approach this with him the next time i'm on a phonecall with him and apologize....

shesty

You were with him for a good 9 months, you broke up with him and he still wanted to keep in touch??OP, that guy is pretty interested in you.Did you not ask him how he felt about you not being able to move til after xmas? did you ask him was he ok with that?Or did you just decide for him and end the relationship??

I'd be getting on the phone to him OP and asking him what he thinks about the whole thing!!!

Smiley283

Hi all,

Just an update. On Monday I swallowed my pride ready to tell him how I felt about him and mentally prepared myself to offer him an apology for (potentially) hurting his feelings during the summer. I whatsapp'd him on Monday asking him how his weekend went and if he was available for a video chat (usually how we communicate) and it was opened but he never replied.

I know I've blown my chance here but I have learned a valuable lesson.

Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread.

leggo

Sorry to hear OP. It's a tough lesson to learn but one you definitely won't make again.

bucketybuck

From his point of view the story really doesn't look good.

You met, made promises (if thats the right word?) about moving closer to each other in the future, promises which you then postponed. Then you decided to end things. Then you continued to keep contacting him.

Thats without talking about the hypocrisy of feeling jealous that he might be moving on to other people despite the fact that you were happily dating away with other men before you ever ended anything with him.

If that guy had posted his story on here I'm pretty sure I know what advice he would be getting right now.

Its not necessarily a lost cause, everything you have said shows that he does think something of you. His reason for not replying to the text could simply be that he does not welcome any further headwrecking, if he is dumped then he is dumped and he would be better served blocking you completely. But that doesn't mean that he wouldn't be receptive to genuine overtures from you with a serious future in mind.

You would have to think long and hard before going down that road though, not least because you would want to be damn sure this isn't just acting on jealousy and some sort of possessive pride. Do you really want him or does your ego just not like the idea of him not wanting you?

If it isn't just pride then you still need to seriously think about where you want it to go. Are you really going to move there in four months or will there be another postponement? Are you really going to commit to him or do you just want to go back to a casual thing? I don't get the impression that you are head over heels here at all, sounds a lot like sellers remorse to me (really, not even a follow-up text to the video request, no?) so have a good think before contacting him and causing any more pain.

Big Bag of Chips

What do you want? What do you actually, really want from him and for yourselves? Once you know that, let him know. Yes, you risk being rejected and getting hurt but at least everything has been laid out and a final decision has been reached rather than all this guessing and supposing and presuming and hoping.

He may have gotten sick of being at your beck and call, and decided that he has to accept that you're only interested in a friendship with him.

You really don't seem that intent on contacting him, apologising or making amends. You made one attempt on Monday... With no mention of apologising or discussing why you wanted to speak to him, just a generic "hi, how are you" message, and when he hasn't replied you're just going to leave it?

What do you want? If you want to at least try to sort this out, then at least try. If you don't want to at least try, then delete his number and leave him alone.