Wedding planning, low numbers on my side

LegacyUser

Hey guys. This might sound like a pretty stupid one but it's increasingly on my mind and would like some opinions on it from non-involved people.

So I got engaged recently (woo!) and we're now just starting into the wedding planning. I live in the UK (emigrated from Ireland about 3 and a half years ago) and my fiance is British. We'll be having the wedding over here.

So one of the first things we did was draw up an initial guest list. Going through it, my numbers were so low. And even from that I doubt a lot will travel over. I'm not very close to my extended family. I've never been the type to have a large number of friends, it's something I really hate about myself. I find it extremely hard to "make the jump" to a good friendship.

The wedding is going to be very dominated by her side. I find myself bothered by that fact in that it really makes apparent my failings in social circles, that it may reflect poorly on me, and other stupid stuff like number of groomsmen etc. Did you ever see that movie "I Love You Man,"? Well that's me! I don't know, it all sounds silly writing it out.

Has anyone had an experience like this? Any advice?

crebel81

Stupidly_embarrassed wrote: »

Hey guys. This might sound like a pretty stupid one but it's increasingly on my mind and would like some opinions on it from non-involved people.

So I got engaged recently (woo!) and we're now just starting into the wedding planning. I live in the UK (emigrated from Ireland about 3 and a half years ago) and my fiance is British. We'll be having the wedding over here.

So one of the first things we did was draw up an initial guest list. Going through it, my numbers were so low. And even from that I doubt a lot will travel over. I'm not very close to my extended family. I've never been the type to have a large number of friends, it's something I really hate about myself. I find it extremely hard to "make the jump" to a good friendship.

The wedding is going to be very dominated by her side. I find myself bothered by that fact in that it really makes apparent my failings in social circles, that it may reflect poorly on me, and other stupid stuff like number of groomsmen etc. Did you ever see that movie "I Love You Man,"? Well that's me! I don't know, it all sounds silly writing it out.

Has anyone had an experience like this? Any advice?

Hey man,

I thought I'd respond since I went through the exact same feeling recently. My now Wife asked me at the time to draw up a list of guests and I kept putting it off until the time drew closer. It got to the stage where I was putting down names of acquaintances just for the sake of making up the numbers. Once the list was done it was clear that she had way more guests than I. Then time for the invitations...Oh boy, reality hits...I had to take the list of "acquaintances" off the list as these people would be shocked If they were invited. I eventually came out to my partner and told her that I was a bit embarrassed by the lack of people on the list and she was very supportive. Who cares how many are there...put this way, its not a competition...its you and her's special day...that's the main thing...having your family/friends there is a bonus.

When it came to our big day I didn't actually care. Nobody will know who belongs to your side or her side, trust me on that. If you are having a church wedding, have a sign outside saying "choose a seat, not a side...we will all be family once the knot is tied". Something along those line perhaps. If you have groomsmen, give them the job of ushering people to their seats just to ensure the sides are balanced.

Remember folks are there to celebrate both your day...it will work out fine dude...most of all you get to marry the woman you love.

Have a great day

Sleepy

In my experience, unless you're marrying someone from your own village there's almost always one side of the church / ceremony room that's bigger than the other.

When myself and Mrs Sleepy got married, I had almost twice the number of invitees as her as I'd been better at keeping in touch with childhood friends, had gone to college etc and quite simply my parents were from bigger families.

No one batted an eyelid and most of the groups mixed well throughout the day.

KrustyUCC

One way of adjusting things on the day is to make mixed tables

Mix thinsg up so that nobody knows whos really from whos side

Also helps later on when more people know each other for the dance floor

Addle

It really won't matter on the day OP.

https://www.notonthehighstreet.com/theweddingofmydreams/product/choose-a-seat-not-a-side-wedding-ceremony-print

PS. It's not a failing not to be directly involved with your extended family, or to have a very select set of friends.

baby and crumble

OP i have a fairly small family (there will be 7 people there TOTAL from my family- 3 of whom married in! About 20-25 from hers).

We're not doing "sides" and I don't think anyone ever notices who's friends with who at these things. It'd never even enter my head to assume that sides of the church are even a thing anymore, and definitely no-one will pay any attention to the dinner seating arrangements.

Vicxas

Jesus OP, this could have been me writing this. We did the list and my Wife to be was asking where all my friends were. Was kinda embarrassing.

Bambi985

Stupidly_embarrassed wrote: »

I've never been the type to have a large number of friends, it's something I really hate about myself.

Why? It's not a failing to not have a large circle of friends. It's not who you are and so be it. I've got a handful of good friends, a wider circle of acquaintances and to be honest I'd probably be stressed out trying to be more social than that just for the sake of it. What's the point? As long as you're happy nothing else matters.

Your fiancee loves you and didn't agree to marry you because you're Mr Popular or for who you associate with. She obviously thinks you're a solid skin and the wedding is about a celebration of the two of you, no-one else. Be proud of your small list and glad that it's not going to bump you up into one of those 300+ 50k wedding extravaganzas!

tea and coffee

If the wedding is in the UK, people might just think your side can't travel. That's if they think anything at all!
My sibling got married abroad in the country the spouse is from. I was the only guest from Ireland (it was FAR!) (Our parents are dead). The other side had 80!

Hey! I said hey!

This was the main reason we eloped as I don’t really have anybody on my side to invite outside of immediate family. Wouldn’t have friends to be bridesmaids etc and would have found it embarrassing. Eloping was perfect for us but I realize it’s not for everyone.

loalae

Hi OP,

I'm in the exact same situation (recently engaged, in the UK, fiancé is British, very few friends) and drawing up the guest list has been a bit embarrassing really. My friends and their partners amount to 9. 9!

I completely understand where you're coming from when you say that something you don't like about yourself if that you don't have a lot of friends. When I'm having a bad day that's what I beat myself up about as well. The only advice I can give is that nobody at the wedding will care, they might not even notice, and that you should put it out of your mind. I appreciate that this is easier said than done.

I agree that the 'pick a seat not a side' suggestion is a way to go to ensure that the ceremony isn't heavier on one side.

However, it could be that you are unhappy with your social life and that the wedding is just highlighting what you see as a gap in your life. If so, why don't you take some steps in making friends in the UK? You could join a sports team or take up a hobby that has a social element.

never_mind

It's interesting that it's mostly men that this affects, but it does seem to be more of a man-issue. Maybe we don't make as many meaningful friendships as women who cast a wider net? Regardless of this, remember why you are getting married and focus on your partner and the great day you will both have! F' the rest!!

loalae

never_mind wrote: »

It's interesting that it's mostly men that this affects, but it does seem to be more of a man-issue. Maybe we don't make as many meaningful friendships as women who cast a wider net? Regardless of this, remember why you are getting married and focus on your partner and the great day you will both have! F' the rest!!

How do you figure that this is mostly men who are affected?

Vicxas

loalae wrote: »

How do you figure that this is mostly men who are affected?

I'd be inclined to agree, men seem to have a much harder time in their adult years making and keeping friends than women do.

never_mind

loalae wrote: »

How do you figure that this is mostly men who are affected?

Let's not go down the road of debating this - it was a small observation and one that you can ignore and carry on. I have noticed, in the most pedestrian sense, that men have fewer friends than women. Simple goolging seems to back this up:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/todd-kashdan/men-making-friends_b_1029001.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201110/why-do-men-have-hard-time-making-friends
https://www.theblot.com/why-real-american-men-have-so-few-close-male-friends-7712222

Ursus Horribilis

Will anyone even notice on the day? I'm sure I'm not the only person who has gone to weddings and not had a clue who most of the guests were. And furthermore, didn't give a monkey's. And as has been rightly pointed out, your fiancee is marrying you for the man you are. Not because of how many friends you have. Just be honest with her and have a chat.

jon1981

Male here, likewise i was also out numbered 2:1. In the end it was perfectly fine but i won't deny i didn't feel anxious about it leading up to the day. Leave silly traditions behind like brides family and friends on one side of the church and grooms on the other...


Like you this never bothered me until i was forced to acknowledge it by my own wedding.

And also yes i believe women are much better at maintaining social circles than men... men can let them drift. Loads of studies support this.

homerjay2005

Vicxas wrote: »

Jesus OP, this could have been me writing this. We did the list and my Wife to be was asking where all my friends were. Was kinda embarrassing.

how do you get into a scenario where you are marrying somebody and they dont know who your friends are or how close you are to your family!?

or i should phrase it better, surely they would know before that and it shouldnt be a big shock or embarrassing at all.

never_mind

homerjay2005 wrote: »

how do you get into a scenario where you are marrying somebody and they dont know who your friends are or how close you are to your family!?

or i should phrase it better, surely they would know before that and it shouldnt be a big shock or embarrassing at all.

I'd imagine that no matter how close a couple is the random cousins, work mates, OHs of work mates, friends from college that the bride has lost touch with but who are invited is what is meant here! These non people can really add up.

homerjay2005

never_mind wrote: »

I'd imagine that no matter how close a couple is the random cousins, work mates, OHs of work mates, friends from college that the bride has lost touch with but who are invited is what is meant here! These non people can really add up.

well the opposite is the problem. its not the ones adding up, its the lack on the other side.

never_mind

homerjay2005 wrote: »

well the opposite is the problem. its not the ones adding up, its the lack on the other side.

I think the issue is that the OP doesn't have these non-people on the list that his OH does have.

Vicxas

homerjay2005 wrote: »

how do you get into a scenario where you are marrying somebody and they dont know who your friends are or how close you are to your family!?

or i should phrase it better, surely they would know before that and it shouldnt be a big shock or embarrassing at all.

She knows who my friends are, but its a case where some would be more acquaintances and i couldn't guarantee that they would be interested in coming.

rondog

Blame Ryanair.
Say your 50 mates that were travelling over for the wedding had their flights cancelled.

robbiezero

You probably have a similar number of friends to most people.
Crowd numbers at weddings are often elevated by being a member of a sports team or having a large extended family or living in the same place you grew up.

Neames

I had the exact same experience when I got married and it bothered me too at the time. But do you know what, I have a very small group of real friends but they are real friends if you know what I mean.

You'll get married and her friends are now yours and then you'll have more friends. Great stuff.

If you decide to have kids and are lucky enough to have one or more then your kid will make friends and by default then you'll make friends with some of your kid's friends parents and then you'll have more friends. Great stuff again.

So I've gone from having a relatively small group of friends to having loads of friends.

The wedding is only one day. Enjoy it and go easy on yourself about the numbers thing.

Romantic Rose

I'm female and had the same issue at my wedding.

My partner comes from a huge family. 70 1st cousins. I only have 20 who I wouldn't be close too.

In the end, we decided not to do the huge family wedding.

Neither of us would have a huge circle or friends. More a handful of good friends.

My numbers still were much lower than my husbands and during the ceremony, our guests mixed in together and sat anyhwhere.

I definitely think the Pick a seat and not a side sign would work great in this scenario.

Romantic Rose

I agree too that most of the big number weddings I was ever at came from a big family or people just invited to pump up the numbers. I was at a wedding of 350 and I came from the same village as the bride and groom and didn't recognise 80% of the people there.

LegacyUser

I'm a guy and in the same situation. Can you get married without a best man?

amtc

You don't need a best man but you will need a witness (each of you of either sex). This has to be named on your civil notice of marriage (I know this as my uncle married recently and named my dad as the witness but the best man signed the certificate instead and the whole thing had to hastily redone!)

LegacyUser

metoo_ism wrote: »

I'm a guy and in the same situation. Can you get married without a best man?

Of course you can. So long as you observe legal requirements, you can observe or ignore any traditions you like. Have a best woman, or a best dog if the celebrant allows it, or whatever you fancy.

OP, you won't have to look far to find people saying they have too many wedding guests, that inviting a cousin they're close to means they have to bring one they hate and their partner, who they also hate, and they know they'll insist on bringing the kids, who are noisy, and their alcoholic aunt, who always causes a row, and their self-centred sister who will cause a scene and the mate who's great for lads weekends but can't be trusted in polite company and blah blah blah. Your problem is someone's envy.