How to put myself back out there?

ladybugxx

Hey so I work most days and work out a lot I work in the beauty industry mad hours and am around women constantly. It was different in college made it a lot easier to find guys etc. My time is mostly spent in work or at the gym I catch up with friends like once a week or every fortnight. I tried tinder but honestly the guys on that are desperate af I chatted to a few on the phone and all they kept trying to do was get me to go to their place for a "drink" I said feck this and I ended up deleting the dam thing I am not into the whole internet dating scene my mother says online dating is for people who cant get any dates. So how do I go about trying to put myself back out there? Its been so long and have no idea how to get back in the game. Any advice would be appreciated. Am not comfortable meeting up with men off dating sites could be going out to a psycho.

redfox123

Well online dating is the most popular and common way to get back out there these days. Tinder is not ideal no it has a reputation for being just for hook ups though I haven't used it myself. Any of the other dating sites you can put down exactly what you're looking for and find those who are looking for the same. Really be careful the kind of profile and pictures you present, it will dictate the kind of replies you get. Most the people I've talked to and met seem to be normal, it's disregarding a large part of modern dating to think they're all looking for one night stands or are psychos.
Apart from that if you have hobbies and interests there are groups that you could join, sports, meetups etc where you might meet guys with similar interests. I suppose just accept invitations to events and things, some that you may have turned down before and have an open mind.

Dial Hard

The first thing you need to do is readjust your attitude towards online dating. Your mother is wrong and you could just as easily meet a "psycho" in a bar. Yes, there are a few chancers out there, but guess what, they're chancers in real life too.

The other thing you have to do is just... get back out there. Get out and about, whether it's socialising more or starting a new hobby (the gym doesn't count!) or joining a Meet Up group. I'm definitely very guilty of getting far too comfortable in my own little bubble of friends and family and then complaining that I never meet any nice men.

And then, lastly, if you're out and about and see a guy you like the look of - go talk to him! I will never understand why so many women won't just bloody make the first approach!

Skibunny77

Will be going to my third Tinder wedding next year! All lovely guys, just be clear on your profile that you have zero interest in one night stands, you will attract less responses but more quality ones!

lazybones32

Go to a bar with friends.
Do an activity you enjoy, in the company of others.
Meet people through friends.


<mod snip>

Icepick

Make the first move and show initiative.
What about the gym?

Augme

ladybugxx wrote: »

Hey so I work most days and work out a lot I work in the beauty industry mad hours and am around women constantly. It was different in college made it a lot easier to find guys etc. My time is mostly spent in work or at the gym I catch up with friends like once a week or every fortnight. I tried tinder but honestly the guys on that are desperate af I chatted to a few on the phone and all they kept trying to do was get me to go to their place for a "drink" I said feck this and I ended up deleting the dam thing I am not into the whole internet dating scene my mother says online dating is for people who cant get any dates. So how do I go about trying to put myself back out there? Its been so long and have no idea how to get back in the game. Any advice would be appreciated. Am not comfortable meeting up with men off dating sites could be going out to a psycho.

Sound perfect for you then, right?

SusieBlue

When I was single, I never had much trouble getting dates from men I met while out and about, so I certainly wasn't desperate. I still ended up meeting my current boyfriend, who I live with, of almost 3 years on tinder though.
I'm in my 20's and I have a few friends who met their partners online too. Its so normal these days and certainly isn't full of psychos. The odd weirdo, yes. But for the most part the guys on it are genuine.
It sounds to me like you didn't even give online dating a proper chance and dismissed the guys you talked to based on your mothers opinions.

Neyite

Mod:

Lazybones32, replies in Personal/ Relationship Issues are supposed to be supportive, helpful and constructive. I've snipped your little swipe at the OP as it was below the standard we expect here.

Gal44

I have the same thoughts OP about putting myself out there, i live in a rural enough area where most people my age (32) have either settled down or emigrated.. there isn't a whole lot of clubs or anything to join to meet people so i'm not sure where my next step is, i'm tempted but nervous about online dating but i would like to get out there some way. I have a 5 year old so i have spent the last couple of years concentrating on her and work but id like to get out there now and see whats out there

SusieBlue

Gal44 wrote: »

I have the same thoughts OP about putting myself out there, i live in a rural enough area where most people my age (32) have either settled down or emigrated.. there isn't a whole lot of clubs or anything to join to meet people so i'm not sure where my next step is, i'm tempted but nervous about online dating but i would like to get out there some way. I have a 5 year old so i have spent the last couple of years concentrating on her and work but id like to get out there now and see whats out there

You have nothing to lose by trying. You would be stunned at the amount of like minded men who are using dating sites for the exact same reasons as you.

ladybugxx

Augme wrote: »

Sound perfect for you then, right?

I never have any problem attracting guys when im out its just the sleezes with the one night stands I dont want. Im also very wary and picky of guys. I lose interest very easy im not trying to be difficult I have been like this for years due to a on off relationship I invested only my time in one guy it doesn't look so easy starting again.

Austria!

ladybugxx wrote: »

I never have any problem attracting guys when im out its just the sleezes with the one night stands I dont want. Im also very wary and picky of guys. I lose interest very easy im not trying to be difficult I have been like this for years due to a on off relationship I invested only my time in one guy it doesn't look so easy starting again.

I'm confused. This seems to be the opposite of your first post?

ladybugxx

Austria! wrote: »

I'm confused. This seems to be the opposite of your first post?

Im talking about the lads shouting heya babes and begging for your number in the streets or being told how attractive I am everywhere I go by lads which isn't what im looking for. Im saying id rather meet a guy who isnt a sleeze.

Augme

Still sounds like your problem is that you can't get a date. Another option is to go up to guys yourself on nights out.

ladybugxx

Augme wrote: »

Still sounds like your problem is that you can't get a date. Another option is to go up to guys yourself on nights out.

If you read what I said above I get bored and walk away from lads when they start chatting to me I dunno how to stop doing that. I have lads queuing up to chat to me whenever im out the problem is I don't want them and am incredibly picky and can be standoffish.

redfox123

Most women are wary and picky, isn't that part of being a single woman. You can't just go out with anyone who thinks you're attractive. I do prefer the messages and attention from men who don't remark on my looks, but those who do aren't always sleazy. I'm only recently dipping my toes in online dating and I find it hard to find someone I would actually meet just based on a few pics and a profile. Guys are very forward and this can be offputting.
What i did was make my profile private and browse through til I found someone I might want to talk to and then message them. This way you're not bombarded with so many messages, 'sleazy' or otherwise from guys you're not interested in. And if you're hot then you'll get a reply

Bambi985

ladybugxx wrote: »

If you read what I said above I get bored and walk away from lads when they start chatting to me I dunno how to stop doing that. I have lads queuing up to chat to me whenever im out the problem is I don't want them and am incredibly picky and can be standoffish.

With respect OP, maybe just...stop...doing that? You phrase it like it's something you have no control over, which is entirely inaccurate. You're choosing to walk away and be standoffish with guys and from experience I can tell you that not giving guys a chance and projecting an air of "fcuk off and don't annoy me" is your number one way of guaranteeing you'll stay single and dateless.

Most moderately attractive women have no problem attracting men on nights out, so yes you do have to be choosy and you don't have to chat to everyone who looks your way, but you can also be friendly and human, get used to having banter with lads so it's less daunting and you become more natural and confident around men so when you DO fancy someone, things will be more likely to happen.

Most of my exes have been friends first, or friends of friends, or that guy I met at a house party or who turned up at a work event or whatever. I never approached them as "don't fancy him, get lost" because hooking up wasn't on my radar, having a friendly conversation and enjoying the craic was. Down the line things happened and friendly banter led to more, because the trust and the familiarity was there, but it never would have if I'd closed up shop to every man that didn't seem immediately drop dead gorgeous or a catch-and-a-half at a moment's glance.

So my advice would be, be more open, be outgoing and approach any man that catches your eye, ask him what he's up to, isn't the weather shyte, how does he know X, where is he from, what does he do. Be approachable, have a positive attitude and be open to conversation with everyone, turn down advances politely unless you have good reason not to and stay open-minded to all avenues, including online and the gym - you'll meet men everywhere.

ladybugxx

ladybugxx wrote: »

I have lads queuing up to chat to me whenever im out the problem is I don't want them and am incredibly picky and can be standoffish.

Well that's your problem, not "putting yourself back out there". What the hell do you expect if you treat people this way?

Address this and things might change.

In the meantime, there are tonnes of lovely women meeting lovely guys on internet dating sites and finding enduring relationships with them.

Your attitude to online dating is so regressive, you (literally) sound like your mother.

Tigger99

I'm not normally shy but if a guy approaches me out of the blue I clam up and am shy. Obviously it's much harder for a guy to approach a girl than for a girl to respond but it can still be tough.

What do you say, is he just looking for one thing etc.

So online dating works much better for me. Try it, you've nothing to lose.

rcarroll

"If you read what I said above I get bored and walk away from lads when they start chatting to me I dunno how to stop doing that. I have lads queuing up to chat to me whenever im out the problem is I don't want them and am incredibly picky and can be standoffish."

"I lose interest very easy im not trying to be difficult I have been like this for years due to a on off relationship I invested only my time in one guy"

"... being told how attractive I am everywhere I go by lads"

"I never have any problem attracting guys when im out its just the sleezes with the one night stands I dont want."

Kind of sounds like it's YOU that is the problem. You have some attitude on you, no wonder you're not getting dates. If someone acted bored and walked away from me after I went to the bother of trying to flirt, I'd be mightily peeved, that's no way to treat someone!!

Also, you invested a lot of time into an on-off relationship, yet won't give any other guy who could be decent the time of day, perhaps you only want someone who doesn't want you back?

Oh and for gods sake, you seem to think online dating is full of hookups yet bars aren't?? Personally I avoid the bar scene precisely because it tends to be for hookups and find guys are more genuine on online dating, you at least have a chance to get a good look at someone/get to know them first.

sozbox

ladybugxx wrote: »

Augme wrote: »

Still sounds like your problem is that you can't get a date. Another option is to go up to guys yourself on nights out.

If you read what I said above I get bored and walk away from lads when they start chatting to me I dunno how to stop doing that. I have lads queuing up to chat to me whenever im out the problem is I don't want them and am incredibly picky and can be standoffish.

Yeah....I think I see your problem OP. With attitude and behaviour like that it’s not surprising why you’re single.

You’re asking how to stop being rude and walking away? Really? Maybe politely excuse yourself if you don’t want to talk to someone.

Maybe give people a chance, your future partner could be a friend of one the lads you walk away from.

An attitude like that can be spotted a mile away. What genuine lad will approach you after seeing you treat the other lads like sh*t?

ladybugxx

Lmao the lot of you need to calm yourselves you all get so judgemental and snappy and blow everything out of context so easy on these threads its gas.. im not rude just out at bars I have no time for guys looking for hookups. I gave a few guys one date and a chance and it just wasn't there and just wasn't feeling them to be honest. Maybe I just like the bad guys I dunno what it is to be honest.

sozbox

ladybugxx wrote: »

Lmao the lot of you need to calm yourselves you all get so judgemental and snappy and blow everything out of context so easy on these threads its gas.. im not rude just out at bars I have no time for guys looking for hookups. I gave a few guys one date and a chance and it just wasn't there and just wasn't feeling them to be honest. Maybe I just like the bad guys I dunno what it is to be honest.

So you’re not rude but we all need to calm down and not be so judegemental and let you carry on ignoring every piece of advice you get after coming onto an advice board for advice?

Enjoy the single life :P

ladybugxx

Also I didnt mean im rude and walk away from every guy I legit get shy and standoffish. If a guy is openly being annoying and making unwanted sexual gestures at me then of course I tell him to feck off dont see the harm in that. You all took what I said and twisted it and made me out to be a bitch. And by no means is a bar a place to find a future fella. For those of you who gave me practical advice thanks.

ladybugxx

sozbox wrote: »

So you’re not rude but we all need to calm down and not be so judegemental and let you carry on ignoring every piece of advice you get after coming onto an advice board for advice?

Enjoy the single life :P

You all took what I said the complete wrong way jesus my ex was right the lot of you on here think your mad hiding behind your keyboards. I was being honest and asking for advice you all made me out to be bitchy and rude when im not at all. I asked for advice not to be given rude snappy little comebacks. People are entitled to be picky when it comes to dating dont see the harm in that.

Romantic Rose

I wouldn't go near Tinder. Nothing against online dating but I found there were far too many chancers on it.

I met my husband on POF. I found there were a lot more genuine guys on there because they had to put effort into your profile. It's not as quick and easy as Tinder.

I had my rules about it too. If I was chatting to a guy for more than a few days and he hadn't suggested meeting up, he was a goner. Also, if a guy started the sleazy chat or sexting, I was out of there.

There are plenty of genuine guys in the online dating world but you need to weed them out. Have your own rules as above.

I think I went on about 40 first dates before I met my husband. You need to be fussy and patient

Augme

ladybugxx wrote: »

Also I didnt mean im rude and walk away from every guy I legit get shy and standoffish. If a guy is openly being annoying and making unwanted sexual gestures at me then of course I tell him to feck off dont see the harm in that. You all took what I said and twisted it and made me out to be a bitch. And by no means is a bar a place to find a future fella. For those of you who gave me practical advice thanks.

ladybugxx wrote: »

You all took what I said the complete wrong way jesus my ex was right the lot of you on here think your mad hiding behind your keyboards. I was being honest and asking for advice you all made me out to be bitchy and rude when im not at all. I asked for advice not to be given rude snappy little comebacks. People are entitled to be picky when it comes to dating dont see the harm in that.

This is exactly what you wrote.

ladybugxx wrote: »

If you read what I said above I get bored and walk away from lads when they start chatting to me I dunno how to stop doing that.

How exactly did you expect people to take it?

Not just in person, but also on here, your ability to communicate what you actually mean and want is terrible. Learn to communicate and behave like an adult and you might have a much better chance of success when it comes to dating.

Or you can just keep burying your head in the sand and blame everyone else and absolve yourself of any fault.

rcarroll

We didn't twist what you said, far from it, we're only going on what you told us and let me repeat "I get bored and walk away from lads when they start chatting to me..."

You never mentioned guys being sleazy or making unwanted sexual comments. You said guys were chatting to you...as in making conversation.so yeah, if you walk away when it's just normal conversation/flirting, it's rude...nobody expects you to put up with sleazy unwanted sexual comments but now I'm beginning to wonder if you can actually tell the difference?? Because from your reaction here so far, it seems you're incapable of taking any well-intentioned advice and go into melt-down mode when you see something you don't like. You also admit to being very stand-offish when a guy tries to make conversation. Perhaps you need to work on that first before attacking people here that are trying to point out why you might be single?

After all, you came on here admitting there's a problem, pointed out a few areas where your approach or manner needs changing, even told us that you see yourself that your approach can be a factor in why you've no luck...and yet when people pick up on that and hold up a mirror, you fly off the handle...

Also, you contradicted yourself by saying you don't believe in online dating, instead you invest your efforts in bars, yet later claim" by no means is a bar a place to find a future fella"...so which is it?

Are you going to try other avenues to meet guys such as online dating/meetup groups/social groups/classes etc? Are you going to try be a little more open minded and patient when a guy approaches you instead of being stand-offish and walking away? Are you going to have a look at your attitude and see if you're being hyper-sensitive and critical of others or are you going to actually work on yourself first?