Was I sexually abused & telling GP.

lemonbuddy

Hi!
I had a thread on here previously(Which I got deleted).
Basically I'm a guy in my mid twenties. When I was aged from about 10 to 14.(Not sure of the ages) a man who was over ten years older than me. I think I was sexually abused.
Touched my butt.
Touched my penis.
Got me to touch his private areas.
When these incidents happened at first I didn't really know anything was wrong
He also gave me a very weird back rub when I was about 16 in public but I froze.
Used put his hands around my throat.
Cover my mouth with his hand to stop me breathing.
Was a bit controlling about what friends I could see.
Would this be classed as sexually abuse? I wasn't raped.

Second question is what happens when I tell my GP?
Will it be kept confidential?
One of my biggest fears is if anything was to happen(Please note I'm not suicidal)to me would my family be able to get access to my medical records.

Another day

Yes this is sexual abuse. Any inappropriate touching is abuse.

You can talk to your Gp. No one has the right to your medical records and you would have to agree for them to be passed onto anyone.

Or you can go to a counsellor where again it is in confidence.

However they may have to report any abuse to the Gardai. Laws changed where a person knows of abuse they are duty bound to report it.

You personally will have to make the decision if charges are to be brought.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were young and taken advantage of.

If this person has access/is around young boys please do consider pressing charges. The Gardai will talk you through it.

Whatever you do please do speak to someone.

lemonbuddy

Another day wrote: »

However they may have to report any abuse to the Gardai. Laws changed where a person knows of abuse they are duty bound to report it.

.
If this person has access/is around young boys please do consider pressing charges. The Gardai will talk you through it.

Whatever you do please do speak to someone.

So, does this mean if I tell the GP that they'll report it to the Gardaí?

I have considered it but I am just so afraid of what will happen if I report it. I basically have zero evidence. To the best of my knowledge he isn't around young boys.

Dutch Gold Society

lemonbuddy wrote: »

So, does this mean if I tell the GP that they'll report it to the Gardaí?

I have considered it but I am just so afraid of what will happen if I report it. I basically have zero evidence. To the best of my knowledge he isn't around young boys.

Can I ask what you're afraid off? The man who did this to you is scum and should face justice.

Another day

lemonbuddy wrote: »

So, does this mean if I tell the GP that they'll report it to the Gardaí?

I have considered it but I am just so afraid of what will happen if I report it. I basically have zero evidence. To the best of my knowledge he isn't around young boys.

I am not 100% sure but am sure you actually have to name the person which you can choose not to do before anyone can do anything about it. Believe me just talking to your Gp will help you deal with it regardless of whether you go further or not. For all you know there may be other victims out there who have gone through this and feel the same. It is very rare for an abuser to just have 1 victim.....
You can only make an informed decision after speaking to someone and please make sure that person is qualified. Your Gp will probably refer you to a counsellor.

lemonbuddy

Dutch Gold Society wrote: »

Can I ask what you're afraid off? The man who did this to you is scum and should face justice.

I am a very quite/shy guy. I have very few friends and I'd be considered odd by many.
I have no issue with the Gardaí(never being in trouble with them). My issue is he's a perfect guy, good house, degrees, master, good job, etc. It's the fear of not being believed because I have no evidence/proof and this guy is a perfect citizen compared to me.

Wesser

The only time that the gp would have to take action is if he has access to children at the moment.

Another day

lemonbuddy wrote: »

My issue is he's a perfect guy, good house, degrees, master, good job, etc. It's the fear of not being believed because I have no evidence/proof and this guy is a perfect citizen compared to me.

As are 99% of abusers....priests, teachers etc. Believe me they come in every guise. You are as believable as the next person. You know what happened. It takes bravery to come forward and face the hurt etc. Be proud of yourself for having the strength to face this.

Rubberchikken

Talking to someone might be the place to start.
I'm mot sure if the go has to report it. It might be if the abuse is actually happening at present .

What this man did to you was illegal and horrible and a gross breach of trust.
I'm really sorry you had to experience it but with help and support you can come out the other side of this.
Best of luck

lemonbuddy

Thanks for the advice!
It's just hard to explain what this man still holds over me!

December2012

Would you like to talk to somebody in the Rape Crisis Centre? They would have experience of talking to survivors of sexual abuse and grooming

lemonbuddy

I did contact the rape crisis centre when I was about 18 and I had a bad experience with them and it sort of turned me off speaking with them.
I contacted them via there website/email. I had to include my mobile number/email address and it asked did I want to be contacted via email or phone. I said email and for some reason they rang me. I was very lucky nobody else answered the phone or over heard the call.

Hannibal_Smith

You don't have to name anybody. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone about it, even if it's to get your ducks in a row about what happened.

Paddy Cow

lemonbuddy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice!
It's just hard to explain what this man still holds over me!

GP's and counsellors are required by law to report abuse if you give the guys name. You don't have to name him though.

TresGats

Are you sure thats not when a person under 18 reports abuse?
As an adult when I reported 'historical' abuse to gp, social worker, psych AND tusla, and I was never contacted again nor did they ever take action, as there are no children in the household! Couldn't be bothered as I feel 'unbelieved' or 'not worthy of investigation".
OP certainly counselling/ talking to someone will help. If you are embarrassed it might help to have written your gp a note in advance, I know i find some words/ things hard to say.
Edit- by the way, we really shouldn't feel like the embarrassed , ashamed ones. We did nothing wrong. They are paedophiles.

eviltwin

TresGats wrote: »

Are you sure thats not when a person under 18 reports abuse?
As an adult when I reported 'historical' abuse to gp, social worker, psych AND tusla, and I was never contacted again nor did they ever take action, as there are no children in the household! Couldn't be bothered as I feel 'unbelieved' or 'not worthy of investigation".
OP certainly counselling/ talking to someone will help. If you are embarrassed it might help to have written your gp a note in advance, I know i find some words/ things hard to say.
Edit- by the way, we really shouldn't feel like the embarrassed , ashamed ones. We did nothing wrong. They are paedophiles.

No, if an adult reports abuse that happened to them as a child and gives identifying information the GP has to report it even if the client doesn't want them to. The gp will have done his/her bit, whether TUSLA bother to go further is a different story.

lemonbuddy

Thanks!
So, if I reported it to the GP and I let the persons name slip does this mean I'd be contacted b the Gardaí and the person would be told it was I that made the allegation by the Gardaí?

retro:electro

Yea it's Children First Guidelines which aren't enacted yet but will be soon. If the op names his abuser the GP has an onus to report it.

Hannibal_Smith

lemonbuddy wrote: »

Thanks!
So, if I reported it to the GP and I let the persons name slip does this mean I'd be contacted b the Gardaí and the person would be told it was I that made the allegation by the Gardaí?

You can understand why it is set up that way. It's to stop it happening to someone else. I remember your last thread and can understand why you have reservations, but try not let it put you off. Don't you feel like your world is on pause and you're on a hamster wheel? What if talking to a counsellor or gp can help get the worms back in the can?

lemonbuddy

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You can understand why it is set up that way. It's to stop it happening to someone else. I remember your last thread and can understand why you have reservations, but try not let it put you off. Don't you feel like your world is on pause and you're on a hamster wheel? What if talking to a counsellor or gp can help get the worms back in the can?

At the moment I am sort of coasting along and I'm sort of happy in away. If I was to reveal this I have no idea how it will effect my personal circumstances.

lemonbuddy

anna080 wrote: »

Yea it's Children First Guidelines which aren't enacted yet but will be soon. If the op names his abuser the GP has an onus to report it.

So, if I did tell my doctor this.
This guy would get a knock at his door from the Gardaí saying that XXXXX has made allegations against you? and I'd get them same to confirm them.

eviltwin

lemonbuddy wrote: »

So, if I did tell my doctor this.
This guy would get a knock at his door from the Gardaí saying that XXXXX has made allegations against you? and I'd get them same to confirm them.

No, the GP is obligated to tell TUSLA, they decide what to do then. They can contact gardai but in fairness what can they do with just a name. It's not like they can force you to disclose more information.

retro:electro

lemonbuddy wrote: »

So, if I did tell my doctor this.
This guy would get a knock at his door from the Gardaí saying that XXXXX has made allegations against you? and I'd get them same to confirm them.

You would not believe the amount of these calls TUSLA get a day. It's fair to say there'll be no barging down doors looking for answers. If you don't want to tell your gp his name then don't say it. If you'd like to take this further and get some justice for yourself then you should name him.

punisher5112

Hi op very sorry to hear this happened to you as a child and it actually is very upsetting.

I'm sure you are still upset, annoyed and confused etc.

As others said go to a councillor or your gp.

Ive a question though, I hope its not taken the wrong way but want do you want to come of gp visit??

Are you sure this guy didn't do it to other children and has he got children now himself?

Its a sort of catch 22 where you want to get it off your chest but I can understand your worries but you shouldn't as you have done nothing wrong and I do hope you don't feel that way.

For a guy or a woman for that matter to do these things to any child young or old are very unstable and sick individuals.

lemonbuddy

punisher5112 wrote: »

Hi op very sorry to hear this happened to you as a child and it actually is very upsetting.

I'm sure you are still upset, annoyed and confused etc.

As others said go to a councillor or your gp.

Ive a question though, I hope its not taken the wrong way but want do you want to come of gp visit??

Are you sure this guy didn't do it to other children and has he got children now himself?

Its a sort of catch 22 where you want to get it off your chest but I can understand your worries but you shouldn't as you have done nothing wrong and I do hope you don't feel that way.

For a guy or a woman for that matter to do these things to any child young or old are very unstable and sick individuals.

I suppose I just want to talk to somebody about the issue.
Regarding this guy he doesn't have children and doesn't have access to them either.(To the best of my knowledge). I know the guy well.

Hannibal_Smith

lemonbuddy wrote: »

At the moment I am sort of coasting along and I'm sort of happy in away. If I was to reveal this I have no idea how it will effect my personal circumstances.

You have two points. How it effects you and how it's unveiling would effect others.

First of all...how it effects you. You have every right to address the issue. If you were happy enough would you be posting here? If you are coasting along and you're sort of happy in a way, that's good. But there's an alternative and given the old cliché of you only have one life, why not talk about it with someone and try get passed it?

As regards how it effects other people, no one wants to cause upheaval to their family. And no one is asking you to. But back to point 1 if you feel the need to talk to someone, go do it.

lemonbuddy

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You have two points. How it effects you and how it's unveiling would effect others.

First of all...how it effects you. You have every right to address the issue. If you were happy enough would you be posting here? If you are coasting along and you're sort of happy in a way, that's good. But there's an alternative and given the old cliché of you only have one life, why not talk about it with someone and try get passed it?

As regards how it effects other people, no one wants to cause upheaval to their family. And no one is asking you to. But back to point 1 if you feel the need to talk to someone, go do it.

I suppose it effected me a lot more a few years ago and I got through it. I suppose I'm thinking more into the future now. I see friends/people I went to school with/etc. getting engaged/married/having kids and I just wonder what the future holds for me. I am very awkward about touching/sex. So relationships never really developed for me

punisher5112

lemonbuddy wrote: »

I suppose I just want to talk to somebody about the issue.
Regarding this guy he doesn't have children and doesn't have access to them either.(To the best of my knowledge). I know the guy well.

Don't answer if you don't want to but if you know them well is this a recent enough thing and is it family or a person that has close ties to your family??

Gp won't really be able to do much unless you need medications but a councillor may be the best option.

I'm sure you know of the Samaritans and other groups that offer help.

Why not give them a call and they may even persuade you to meet up if that option were to suit.

The whole thing is wrong either way especially with a minor which you were.

If it were two adults and they consent that's not an issue and also if two minors under age were to do so but what happened to you was wrong and its totally up to you where you want to go from here.

Its really come down to either you need to bring a case of abuse against him or let that go but do get advice and get onto a councillor to talk things through.

Hannibal_Smith

lemonbuddy wrote: »

I suppose it effected me a lot more a few years ago and I got through it. I suppose I'm thinking more into the future now. I see friends/people I went to school with/etc. getting engaged/married/having kids and I just wonder what the future holds for me. I am very awkward about touching/sex. So relationships never really developed for me

What about friends? Can you remember whether you were an outgoing person before this happened and this changed things drastically?

You own your own body, you don't have to allow anyone touch you if you don't want it. At the same time you should enjoy and build relationships. But at your own pace and comfort.

Don't you feel you have a heightened awareness and therefore you would only allow those youve built a bond with and a trust for touch you? That's not a bad thing to offer anyone.

If your situation is such that you have withdrawn into yourself to save yourself from some one touching you, that is worth ironing out.

retro:electro

Op it sounds like you could do with seeing a counsellor. This is interfering with your daily life and preventing you from forming normal relationships .

lemonbuddy

punisher5112 wrote: »

Don't answer if you don't want to but if you know them well is this a recent enough thing and is it family or a person that has close ties to your family??

.

I'm in my mid twenties now. It happened when I started when I was around 10ish. The guy is known very well to me and my family lets say.

lemonbuddy

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

What about friends? Can you remember whether you were an outgoing person before this happened and this changed things drastically?

You own your own body, you don't have to allow anyone touch you if you don't want it. At the same time you should enjoy and build relationships. But at your own pace and comfort.

Don't you feel you have a heightened awareness and therefore you would only allow those youve built a bond with and a trust for touch you? That's not a bad thing to offer anyone.

If your situation is such that you have withdrawn into yourself to save yourself from some one touching you, that is worth ironing out.

I never had bundles of friends but I generally could make them easily enough. There was one guy I was frineds with when I was around 12/13 that he tried to stop me of seeing.
When I originally started in college I was fine but I think things started to go backward in college because I had a good few female friends and a few of them wanted more and it all got to much for me.

Hannibal_Smith

lemonbuddy wrote: »

I never had bundles of friends but I generally could make them easily enough. There was one guy I was frineds with when I was around 12/13 that he tried to stop me of seeing.
When I originally started in college I was fine but I think things started to go backward in college because I had a good few female friends and a few of them wanted more and it all got to much for me.

Why did he try and stop you? Was he jealous? Or was he afraid you'd tell?

You will have this come back at you. It's never buried and there will be times it will raise itself again, you can handle that which is good.

You don't want to tell anyone because of how it will effect the family (I think?) Which is nice. But is it at your own expense? Just because you can deal with it and you can handle it, doesn't mean you have to. And fear of family finding out has left you a bit in limbo.

Again it sounds clichéd but forming a physical relationship will happen when you're ready. If you want to try and help the process along by talking to someone that's your business. You don't have to remain stuck.

What is your relationship like now with him? Has he ever acknowledged what he did or has he never mentioned it? How does he behave towards you? Are you okay in the environment you're in?

lemonbuddy

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Why did he try and stop you? Was he jealous? Or was he afraid you'd tell?


What is your relationship like now with him? Has he ever acknowledged what he did or has he never mentioned it? How does he behave towards you? Are you okay in the environment you're in?

He said my friends was a bad influence and tried to influence my parents. For some reason my friend didn't like him.(Please note I know for certain they was never any contact between them).
I went a good few years with very little contact. I have seen him in the last few years a handful of times. He acts normally to me but I can't stand being around him especially being left alone. He acts if nothing happened.

Hannibal_Smith

lemonbuddy wrote: »

He said my friends was a bad influence and tried to influence my parents. For some reason my friend didn't like him.(Please note I know for certain they was never any contact between them).
I went a good few years with very little contact. I have seen him in the last few years a handful of times. He acts normally to me but I can't stand being around him especially being left alone. He acts if nothing happened.

There are two of you who know exactly what happened. It's an act because he knows ifor it came out it would be horrendous for him. The creep!

I can imagine how crap it is having to endure being in his presence. Definitely don't be left alone with him.

It's headwrecking when they act all normal. It makes you question the whole thing and wonder how they can carry on like nothing happened. But he knows well.