Partner with mental illness.

LegacyUser

Wasn't sure if I should post this in relationship issues so please move if its in the wrong place.

A bit of background:
Have been with my partner for 15years. We have 4 children together. We have never lived together for various reasons mostly being that due to his mental issues he can't work and so he lives at home with his parents. We are very much in love and get on really well. He goes through periods where he doesn't take his medication and this will only become apparent when he has some sort of paranoid breakdown and hibernates for 1 or 2 weeks and then everything will be grand for another 6-9 months.



We recently bought a house together and moved in two weeks ago. All was going well until last week when I started to realise he hadn't been taking his medication. I asked him numerous times times to go home but he felt this was unfair as we now both owned this house. So the days went on and he got increasing agitated and started hearing voices etc. It cumulated one night with him being physically violent towards me in front of our children. This is the first time things have ever been so bad as usually I wouldn't be around when things are getting this bad. I was afraid for our lives and had to ring the guards who brought him to the psychiatric hospital where he still is. I have spoken to him several times and he doesn't seem to remember exactly what happened that night and I think he would be devastated if he knew what he had done and especially so that he did it in front of the kids.

I just don't know what to do now. My whole life has been upturned by this incident. I was due to start a new job last week but had to inform them I would be unable to take up the position as I now have no childcare and I've no idea how long its going to take him to recover from this. I work for just above minimum wage so childcare for 4 kids is just not a option. I left the house the next day and moved back to my old house so I don't even know whats going to happen with that house.

Should I leave him over this or try work it out. I feel right now that it would be just too hard to separate and I would feel so awful as we do still love each other and although its his fault for not taking his medication, it wasn't 'him' who did those things that night. I would feel pretty foolish for staying but given our history etc I just don't know if I am strong enough to make the break that would be needed. financially I would be stuck on one parent family payment, however much that is. It wouldn't be enough to sustain the family and get bills and mortgages paid etc.

Thanks in advance for any advice offered. Its a bit all over the place. I just don't know what to do.

lazybones32

This is a case where more professional advice is needed.

zoobizoo

I won't advise you on what to do in the present situation. No one here can advise you whether to leave or stay.

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But having a friend with bi-polar who stops taking his meds every couple of years, I can understand your frustration, anger, hurt and fears.

Trying to find out why he stops taking his medication is important as is working with his psychiatrist.

Openly discussing the decision process that leads him to think "I'll be fine this time despite all prior experiences" is important.

What can happen in these cases is that once the patient is out of hospital and back on the meds, no one wants to discuss what happened - they just want to forget about it and move on. Not wanting the person to feel guilty as well but they need to face up to the fact that not taking their meds puts them , you and the kids in a volatile situation and cannot happen again.

Maybe he and you need to go to a support group or maybe he needs ongoing therapy to talk about other things going on in his life that might effect his decision making.

Speak to him about why he stopped taking the pills.... and get proper professional advice

Surreptitious

He should be taking his meds no other words needed. What did he think was going to happen to him. Very careless and irresponsible of him to do this. I hope you're ok though after it all.

QueenRizla

You need to tell him and his specialist about the violent incident, if you are taking him back say you will only do it if he signs up to a scheduled depot administration. And if he refuses the depot, forget it. Don't bother asking him why he didn't take them, you are at nothing. Tell him ye go to the doctor once a month or whatever and get the shot, if not you get a barring order. You have been very soft on him, it's unbelievable you have brought 4 kids into this situation, you really need to start doing what's best for them.

Big Bag of Chips

You have a very tough decision to make. I understand how when someone with mental illness is feeling down it is difficult to talk to them about the effect their behaviour has on those around them. But it is even more difficult when they are feeling well because they are feeling well and you don't want to bring them down by bringing up the fact that you are upset. It is an awful vicious cycle to be stuck in and its made worse by the fact that you have no real control over the situation.

You need to be selfish for a while. You Have a right to be selfish. Yes your partner isn't well and can't help the fact that he's sick. But he's sick and has been prescribed medication. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health. If he feels overwhelmed by it, then he needs to accept your help and input, and he needs to accept that that you will control his medication and you will make sure he takes it. He has to accept that he is very serious mental health issue that make him a danger to his family. He has physically assaulted you, something you could never imagine him doing. Something you feel he can't he blamed for because it wasn't 'him' doing it.......

So what happens next time? What happens if he can't help it and he attacks one of your children? We've all heard the stories. Whole families wiped out in murder suicide.

You need to be selfish. And you need to look after yourself. You need to find a counsellor for yourself where you are safe to talk through how you feel. The effect this has on you. Before you are in a position to be really able to help your partner, you need to look after yourself first. If you are more sure of yourself and what you want, then your children will be looked after too.

It's very very difficult. But you have very little control over him and how he behaves. Get your own supports in place. Tell him, with the support of his doctors, that you will be there to support him but that he needs to be fully in board with accepting your help and complying with his medication. First sign of non-compliance you get him out of there. It is no fair on you, or your children to be uprooting them every so often.

How old are they? Are the school going age? ECCE age? Even if he's not working he should be contributing to them. If you found part time work, childminding mightn't be a huge cost if only after school. And if you are only low income and low hours, you might also be entitled to other payments to supplement the household income. Go ask the questions, find out, and work towards something. Plenty of single parents struggle, but manage. If he's not capable of working, if he is volatile and unpredictable, then he is definitely not the person you should be leaving your children in the care of all week.

You can handle this, but you can't do it without a lot of external support.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for replying with such great advice. Everything you all said is so true. After every episode whatever he did is just forgotton about and I'm meant to just be happy he's better again irregardless of what he's said or done during that time. To be honest it's just ****.
We have triplets and a older sibling so I wasn't churning out the babies in a bad situation. It's just what happened.

While he is still in the hospital he is nearly back to himself and he's been talking like everything is just going to go back to normal. I've told him and he's accepted that this time it's not going to happen. He's switching from a daily medication to monthly injections so hopefully this is something that will lessen the ripples in the future.

I am definitely extremely conscious of those awful sitsuations where murder sucides take place. On this occasion it felt like he was close to wanting to kill me.it was terrifying. He still has no recollection of what happened that night. At first he was still blaming for it but now understands that it was his fault and he needs to accept responsibility for that.

We are going to move forward from this but I am going to insist on couples counselling and make sure this time he realises how far things went and it can't just be forgotton.

shesty

Aww OP.I feel very sorry for you to be honest.Look I don't know much about mental illnesses but I know that stopping medication is a hallmark of some, like bi-polar, schizophrenia etc. I guess you have to start from the position that it is likely that this is going to happen again in the future.You can't cure this man.So you need to figure out a living situation that keeps you and your kids safe.Unfortunately if that means not with him, then I guess that's how it has to go.

You do need a lot of support and he should contribute (and I presume he has been contributing up to now?).I have to say personally I couldn't live with the uncertainty of that, of not knowing when he might stop the medication again, putting you all in danger.And that's not fair on the kids either. i'm sorry, I probably don't have much that's constructive to give you other than reach out for every bit of support you can get, be it woomen's aid, your go, counselling, family etc.And make your decisions with you and your kids first and foremost in your mind, and his needs secondary to that.

Ursus Horribilis

Would starting over without this guy really be such a bad thing? I hate to say it but if I had a loved one in a relationship like what you've described, I'd be sick to the stomach. You're an item for 15 years yet you've never lived together. He doesn't work. He has mental health issues and has just attacked you. I wonder can you no longer see the wood from the trees because this is your "normal"? And I wonder what on earth is this doing to your kids? Kids deserve to be brought up in a happy, safe environment. What you've described certainly isn't that. I'd also be wondering what damage has been done to them already, having a father with these mental health issues.

I think you could do with going to talk to a counsellor yourself. I'd prioritize that above couples counselling to be honest.

Big Bag of Chips

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you could do with going to talk to a counsellor yourself. I'd prioritize that above couples counselling to be honest.

This a thousand times over. You can organise and go to couples counselling if you feel it'll be a benefit but you should also separately arrange counselling for yourself.

This is too much to carry on your shoulders alone. You need to be able to talk this through with someone who can listen and guide you. I bet you don't confide in your family much. I bet you minimise your troubles when speaking to them and you hide a lot from them out of loyalty to and love for your partner.

You need to look after yourself. You have children to think about, and you will be no good to them if you break under the strain of trying to hold everyone together.

QueenRizla

Serious help wrote: »

I've told him and he's accepted that this time it's not going to happen. He's switching from a daily medication to monthly injections so hopefully this is something that will lessen the ripples in the future.


We are going to move forward from this but I am going to insist on couples counselling and make sure this time he realises how far things went and it can't just be forgotton.

Good move to go to the depot. I would exercise a little more authority in the situation. Tell him you will be filing a temp protection order while he is in hospital, when the court date comes up explain the situation to the judge ask him/her for a safety order, agree he will remain in the family home pending him getting his monthly injections, he misses an injection and he is removed. The safety order allows him to stay in the family house but makes it conditional on him getting his injections, this is very important. He has been violent to you in front of his kids. If he is committed to not harming you he will go along with this. You need to do this for your kids sake. He was committed based on being violent to you, bring all the paperwork you have regarding this to the court and apply for the temp protection.
The above allows him back but shows you are serious about him not injuring you or your children. I would do above before arranging counselling, you might put be able to put counselling condition in the safety order, check with the judge. Just be clear and methodical about certain actions he needs to take to protect and get it put in a safety order!!! Seriously dont feel bad about this, it is for everyones good. The injection is good, but make sure he is turfed out the minute he misses an appointment (ideally if a district nurse can administer) not wait till the symptoms of not taking meds kick in to react.

Emme

OP how is this affecting the children? Is it fair for them to grow up walking on eggshells around a father who won't take responsibility for his illness? Is it fair for them to grow up with the threat of violence hanging over them?

Doltanian

You should leave this man now, he is a danger to you, the children and himself. Strike out and make a better life for yourself, get a barring order and tell the Guards. I've read threads on here where women leave their men over much smaller and trivial issues. Its a mental illness which there is no cure for and you can't ever change that. It might not be politically correct but you need a wake-up do it now before its too late, you have 4 kids to think about, despite having children I can assure you that you will find a man who will love you and your kids and one who won't be ready to kill you because he is mentally unwell. This thread such also serve as a warning to other women thinking of getting involved with those suffering these types of debilitating mental illness.

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LegacyUser

Serious advice needed. wrote: »

I left the house the next day and moved back to my old house so I don't even know whats going to happen with that house.

Why did you move out OP? I understand you bought the house together so you both have a right to it but he is the one who is making the situation not work so why should you and your children have to move? Maybe the move was too much too quickly for him and if his parents are able to he should start by staying in the house part time and the rest back with his parents and slowly build up being able to stay longer. He is the one that needs to prove he can be there for his kids and you not you. He is equally responsible for the kids so should make sure they have a roof over their heads and aren't being made to move back and forth between houses due to his illness.

5rtytry56

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This is imperative OP for your kids' and your own wellbeing.

MissShihTzu

I have a relative with a serious mental illness. They're fine when the meds are being taken under supervision, but the minute they are released back into the community, the meds are no longer taken as they believe there is nothing wrong with them, and again seem to be the same charming person you fell for. Until they start getting sick again. Each time they get sick, it takes longer and longer to stabilise between episodes with stronger and stronger meds, until they no longer work. I would be willing to bet that's what happened with your partner.

It took several years, and much begging and pleading with my relative before they agreed to take the depo. I got an order stating if my relative didn't turn up for the jab within 12 hours of the due date, then the police and social workers could pick him up. So - I totally agree with Queen Rizla. She is bang on the money.

But - as ill as your partner is, he has rights! He cannot be forced to take the depo if he doesn't want to. So, as a matter of urgency I would work on that first, Your partner needs to stabilise. Is he sectioned and if so, how long for? Can the section be extended if he shows no improvement?

The other thing to consider is the fact that as you're not married, you're not his next of kin. His parents are. How on board are they with the illness and the treatment? What is your relationship like with them? Can you get them to talk to his medical team and social worker to persuade him to take the depo?

The next thing is to get some legal advice about the house. In whose name is it? Can you take decisions without his input?

Finally - you need to put your kids first. Unless and until he takes the depo consistently and stabilises, there is no way he should be allowed back in the house. If his medical team are not aware of his disposition to violence, they should be made aware urgently. Your kids need to be protected at all costs. Last time it was unfortunately you he started on. Next time it will be much worse - Trust me on that. Sadly, I know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

I hope this works out for you and the kids - I really do.