Quick bit of off the cuff creative writing. Thoughts?

A Battered Mars Bar

Had a go at writing something for fun. Took me a few minutes there and this is first draft as is. Should I give up the day job? I think i got into the swing of things in the end. Critiques welcome.

Casting a glancing stare across the elegantly designed modern cafe she took one more sip from her no foam soy latte. This was modern Dublin post celtic tiger, post banking collapse, post depression, post fiscal crisis, post bailout, post grexit, brexit, you name it. Dublin was on the fringe of a boom again. She could smell it in the air. From the sweaty arm pit of a builder in a breakfast roll stained high viz jacket to the more subtle delicate sent of a chai tea latte.

She wasn't quite a chai tea latte woman just yet. No. She was a soy latte Dublin twenty something girl. Her fingers stained from the Irish Indo. She rolled it up and offered it to the dapper dressed Dublin gent across from where she sat. The gent looked at her and took a swill of air as though inhaling a fine Cuban cigar. There was no cigar. "No my dear" he exhaled in a loud bellow. In her nervousness she dropped the indo. The dapper dressed man no longer a gent in her eyes as he didn't move an inch to help as she leaned over her chair to retrieve the paper.

Dublin and its cosmopolitan residents scared her like that from time to time. She was from the sticks as a Dubliner would put it. The country to you and me. The countryside to anyone else. The middle aged lady sitting by the timber lattice sash window was peering over at her from behind the latest Marian Keyes book. Why can't I write like that she thought and be the envy of Dublin. Why can't I dress like the lady reading it and be the envy of girls like me. Why can't I bellow like him and be respected by everyone in this cafe. Why can't I be the person Dublin expects me to be.

She took another sip of her latte trying to hide from view behind it. "One deep breath. That's it. I got this" she thought. "I'm in a cafe. No no, a bustling cafe in the heart of a captivating city....no not captivating. Eurocentric...uhm Eurocentric? Is that even a word? Ok, Dublin, Dublin, Du-blin" Without realising she was mouthing Dublin.

"Who's that?"
"Who?"
"That girl by the door, looks like she's talking to herself"
"Mate, this is Dublin. The capital of Europe. Does it look like I know every customer we got?"

"That's it!" They both looked at each other as the girl they were staring at darted straight for them. "Dublin! You said! Dublin! The capital of Europe! That's brilliant just what I'm looking for!" she began erasing pencil from her notepad and scribbling with excitement"

"What are you writing" the barista asked in a casual manner as all good barista's do.

"It's a piece on a travel website" but I'm an aspiring writer you see and well..." she was cut short as the barista smiled at her. "Well, my name is George" "Sadie, I'm Sadie"

km85264

If this is your first draft of your first piece then it's excellent and, day job notwithstanding, you should definitely write more. Try to put down something of this length every day for a month. Pull your character into different situations and see how she reacts. Introduce her family or friends. Find out what her darkest secret is and what drives her.
As regards a critique, it comes across very raw, but all first drafts are raw. Experienced writers wouldn't let something into the wild until it's been through 8 or 9 drafts and you've read it through 20 or 30 times and love it, but that's tedious for a beginner. Get writing and enjoy it.

Mr E

Good job. I liked it.

echo beach

Very good for a first draft. It needs more work, a bit more show and bit less tell, more detail about the girl, maybe from the barista, saying he has/hasn't seen her in before.
Take km's advice and you could have a decent story to show for your efforts but, like the rest of us, it could be a while before giving up the day job is a option.:)

A Battered Mars Bar

Wow positive feedback :eek: thanks. I regret deleting the final paragraph after posting now

DinkyDinosaur

The talk of soy latte's kind of puts me off. It represents a new fake soulless Ireland that turns my stomach. But otherwise it's good.

I heard a funny one the other day. An 80 year old woman is talking to a friend of hers. The friend tells her about her Pilates class. The 80 year old woman says "Do you boil that or put it in the oven?"

km85264

I think the soy latte contributes to the sense of alienation of the girl from the sticks. The Indo is the symbol of home and she's stuck in this dislocated world. As echo beach observed, there's a decent story in here with a bit of work.

hogwords

I enjoyed this - nice and quick, good scene setting, brings you straight into the action, the character and you don't fluff around for too long.

One critique though in the line:

"Dublin and its cosmopolitan residents scared her like that from time to time. She was from the sticks as a Dubliner would put it. The country to you and me. The countryside to anyone else"

Mainly the moment you say "to you and me" - who are you? Are you a character? Who am I? (On a side note - I'm the reader who happens to be from Dublin so you've immediately lost me - in that moment I felt like this wasn't for me!). That line felt a bit chatty from you so are you purposely going for that?

Otherwise though, great start!

buiscuit2168

Really good piece, especially for your first draft. No, I wouldn't give up the day job as Irish writers don't make much money but apart from that keep writing.

Your writing feels real and fresh.