Difficult preschooler!!! Help please

Louise1709

Hey everyone,

My son will be three in October and is extremely difficult. He has always been hard work. He didn't sleep and cried for the first 18, months of his life.

He has been in a creche since 15months aswel and every challenge a child can go through, he seems to aswel. He bit other children in the crèche for over a year(my son was bit for the first couple of weeks in his first creche and started biting as a result of that). He hits/kicks/pushes other children, and can be very aggressive towards them. It's always over toys or transitions that he lashes out.

Although he is no angel at home, he isn't half as bad and can share and play with his younger cousins without any problems. The thing at home is that whenever I ask him to do something it's either a tantrum or he will run away laughing as if it's a game and dive on the ground.

Language isn't the problem as his talking is brilliant, can hold full conversations. He has the ability to share and take turns but chooses not to. He is a sensory seeker and always drooling, bumping into things on purpose, jumping from heights, fearless, has never fretted for me, headbutts everything, he rarely gets upset when he hurts himself and refuses to let me kiss him better, puts gross things in his mouth like mud, dirty water, even his poo once and says mmmm.

Sorry for the long post but has anyone ideas on what to do? Should I get him assessed. I have worked with kids for ten years but I feel so lost when it comes to my son. Nothing is working! He is getting harder to manage everyday. Everyone says that he's fine and just a boy but I feel something isn't right. I should say aswel that he can be really good and caring and when he is good he's the best in the world but the difficult phases are more often than the good.

shesty

It's hard to know but I think your last paragraph might hold the key to your feelings.You seem to think something isn't right, and often that gut feeling can tell you a lot.Do you think he should be assessed in some way?

My only other thoughts on it would be that the creche environment may not work for him.I have a three year old girl and we have a minder.I shudder to think what she would have been like in a creche.She is similar....superb language, very bright, very sensory though, constantly bumping, banging against things, climbing, jumping, sliding.She cannot sit still at all.

We got a small trampoline she can bounce on and a slide and treehouse, and we do a lot of outdoor stuff.Limited TV for a long time, only lately has she started to watch a bit more.And I have had to work really, really hard on several basic things -answer when your name is called (the first time), stay sitting at the table for meals, come when you are called (the first time you are called, not the tenth), and do what you are asked the first time.It's been a long long long tough year but I am finally beginning to see results.I just feel I have had to put in three times as much work as other parents of kids her age.She is a lovely child, she's just MORE than other kids, and consequently has taken a lot of work.But the madness of a creche would have made her worse, she loves other kids but the crowd situation used to get too much for her after a while and she starts lashing out, hitting and running like a lunatic.We have accepted that and have learned to work with it, read the signs etc.She has vastly improved since she turned three though.

Sorry I haven't been much help, but if you really feel something is wrong, maybe consider getting him assessed.Otherwise I would work really, really hard on the basic things and maybe consider a different approach to his minding situation? Also loads and loads of fresh air and exercise.....it really works a treat.

partyguinness

I'm a father to 2 young kids (5 and 14mts) and the oldest of 6 plus countless nephews and nieces.

I'll be honest, you are not going to get much help here. Sounds a lot more serious than just a difficult phase- what you describe in the 3rd para is a little worrying.

I'm not medically trained (although my sister is a professional psychologist) so I will not bandy around hair salon pop psychology but have you asked a professional?

Louise1709

Thanks very much for your reply. Your little girl sounds very like my little boy. He loves being outside and it does make a huge difference to him.

I think your right about the crèche situation. He does like other kids but seems to get aggressive in large groups. I'm afraid of bringing him for an assessment if it's nothing, but I don't want to ignore it either and hope for the best. I have mentioned it to the crèche about an assessment
and they have told me that they think it's just his personality.

He does watch a good bit of telly I must admit. Did you find limiting the telly makes a difference?

Thanks again for the reply.

Louise1709

Thanks for the reply partyguiness. Its always nice to hear an honest opinion. I just wanted to see what other people would think from an outsider point of view. I havn't spoke to a professional yet. I have a docs appointment tomorrow so I will bring it up then. Thanks again

shesty

Louise1709 wrote: »

Thanks very much for your reply. Your little girl sounds very like my little boy. He loves being outside and it does make a huge difference to him.

I think your right about the crèche situation. He does like other kids but seems to get aggressive in large groups. I'm afraid of bringing him for an assessment if it's nothing, but I don't want to ignore it either and hope for the best. I have mentioned it to the crèche about an assessment
and they have told me that they think it's just his personality.

He does watch a good bit of telly I must admit. Did you find limiting the telly makes a difference?

Thanks again for the reply.

Yes. Limited TV helped a lot.When she was smaller, she would utterly melt down when the tv was turned off especially if there were 'fast' programmes on...so say Paw Patrol as opposed to say something like Twirlywoos or Mr Tumbles.We have stuck strictly to cbeebies and rte jr for now but I have started recording paw patrol, and a few others for her on nickjr etc.It's only lately that I feel she is more able for them.That said, we were away a few months ago and she had a few days of watching rolling cartoons on nick jr, so an hour more of repeated paw patrol, Blaze and whatever, and she was like a demon after them.Meltdowns and tantrums all round. We had to cut the tv after a couple of days.Don't allow it in the mornings bar the odd weekend morning, and even then i would have to say 'we are turning off the tv in five mins' repeatedly to give her warning.I wrote somewhere else here that. I recently got a giant five min sand timer....helps a LOT with the 'five min warning' thing.

I know that probably sounds extreme but that is just her....she is so turned on that an overload of frantic cartoons is just a bit much for her to cope with.Again, it's improved a huge amount in recent months, but I would still be careful enough about howuch she watches.

Loads of fresh air, open space for running, a good routine and plenty of sleep work a treat too.We try to get out every day we're home, to the beach or park where she can run or whatever.All she needs is 40 mins and she's wiped!!!It makes parenting easier.It sounds really stupid, you are back at the basics of parenting.We don't use phones to distract (tantrum when taken away not worth 15 mins of distraction-again, has improved greatly), we are outdoors every day possible, we have a good routine with plenty of food and sleep.....and everyone else probably thinks we're crazy that we can't just sit her in front of a tv, or drag her round a shopping centre all afternoon on a wet Sunday.She's just not that type of child and as I said, we have learned to just work with it.There are strong simple rules in place and she's generally ok behaved but it's taken a lot of rule enforcement by me.

I am making it sound like there's something wrong with her....there is nothing whatsoever wrong with her, and that's generally acknowledged by her minder/preschool teachers etc.She's just very, very energetic.No.2 is a totally different child who happily watches paw patrol with no adverse effects at 18 mths :-) and who is a lot better at managing herself.It's just what she is.

He may not be exactly getting aggressive in the group, it may be his way of trying to show that he has had enough, that he needs some quiet time but he can't verbalise it or doesn't know that's what he's feeling.I have tried telling my girl that if she wants to hit or scream, come to me and say she needs a break (simple words)Or else I take her away myself for a few minutes, if I'm there.She is vastly better now, and sometimes will go nd sit down by herself for a minute, but I feel that has come with age, and she is starting to recognise when she has had enough and needs a minute.Give him the language for what he might be feeling.

As I said, if you feel there's something else there, by all means think about an assessment.

Louise1709

I definitely think your onto something with the television, funnily enough my son watches paw patrol and Blaze constantly.
It probably sounds silly but I never would have thought it could effect his behaviour. So I will cut out the television for awhile and see if that makes any difference. At this point I am willing to try anything. Will try get him outdoors for awhile in the afternoon.

I'm glad to hear your little one is doing well.

I really appreciate all the advice thank you so much x

shesty wrote: »

Yes. Limited TV helped a lot.When she was smaller, she would utterly melt down when the tv was turned off especially if there were 'fast' programmes on...so say Paw Patrol as opposed to say something like Twirlywoos or Mr Tumbles.We have stuck strictly to cbeebies and rte jr for now but I have started recording paw patrol, and a few others for her on nickjr etc.It's only lately that I feel she is more able for them.That said, we were away a few months ago and she had a few days of watching rolling cartoons on nick jr, so an hour more of repeated paw patrol, Blaze and whatever, and she was like a demon after them.Meltdowns and tantrums all round. We had to cut the tv after a couple of days.Don't allow it in the mornings bar the odd weekend morning, and even then i would have to say 'we are turning off the tv in five mins' repeatedly to give her warning.I wrote somewhere else here that. I recently got a giant five min sand timer....helps a LOT with the 'five min warning' thing.

I know that probably sounds extreme but that is just her....she is so turned on that an overload of frantic cartoons is just a bit much for her to cope with.Again, it's improved a huge amount in recent months, but I would still be careful enough about howuch she watches.

Loads of fresh air, open space for running, a good routine and plenty of sleep work a treat too.We try to get out every day we're home, to the beach or park where she can run or whatever.All she needs is 40 mins and she's wiped!!!It makes parenting easier.It sounds really stupid, you are back at the basics of parenting.We don't use phones to distract (tantrum when taken away not worth 15 mins of distraction-again, has improved greatly), we are outdoors every day possible, we have a good routine with plenty of food and sleep.....and everyone else probably thinks we're crazy that we can't just sit her in front of a tv, or drag her round a shopping centre all afternoon on a wet Sunday.She's just not that type of child and as I said, we have learned to just work with it.There are strong simple rules in place and she's generally ok behaved but it's taken a lot of rule enforcement by me.

I am making it sound like there's something wrong with her....there is nothing whatsoever wrong with her, and that's generally acknowledged by her minder/preschool teachers etc.She's just very, very energetic.No.2 is a totally different child who happily watches paw patrol with no adverse effects at 18 mths :-) and who is a lot better at managing herself.It's just what she is.

He may not be exactly getting aggressive in the group, it may be his way of trying to show that he has had enough, that he needs some quiet time but he can't verbalise it or doesn't know that's what he's feeling.I have tried telling my girl that if she wants to hit or scream, come to me and say she needs a break (simple words)Or else I take her away myself for a few minutes, if I'm there.She is vastly better now, and sometimes will go nd sit down by herself for a minute, but I feel that has come with age, and she is starting to recognise when she has had enough and needs a minute.Give him the language for what he might be feeling.

As I said, if you feel there's something else there, by all means think about an assessment.

beechwood55

If you feel that something is not quite right then I think it would be wise to have an assessment. These are the symptoms of sensory processing disorder for example

https://www.sensorysmarts.com/signs_of_spd.html

I'd imagine your dp or public health nurse might be a good first port of call.

And also ignore the people who say 'he is just a boy'. That is doing him a great disservice. If there is an issue then early intervention is key.

mirrorwall14

Louise1709 wrote: »

I definitely think your onto something with the television, funnily enough my son watches paw patrol and Blaze constantly.
It probably sounds silly but I never would have thought it could effect his behaviour. So I will cut out the television for awhile and see if that makes any difference. At this point I am willing to try anything. Will try get him outdoors for awhile in the afternoon.

I'm glad to hear your little one is doing well.

I really appreciate all the advice thank you so much x

I can't really advise much but I will say we had to ban Peppa in our house and limit screen time for our 2.5 year old

Moonbeam

If you feel that there is a problem then I would request an assessment of needs from your PHN and then if there is an issue and they find it hopefully it is before school so that the relevant help can be put in place when he starts.

Romantic Rose

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

I can't really advise much but I will say we had to ban Peppa in our house and limit screen time for our 2.5 year old

I think at that age there is a huge balance between over stimulation and under stimulation. Both will drive them potty at that age.

I think one hour per day screen time is enough. I try to limit it to the evening when I'm trying to cook the dinner and we're on the wind down anyway.

Look at his diet too. I don't give treats to my wee ones but the odd time when they get sweets or chocolate from relations, I find they go hyper. Make sure he's eating the right food too.

Louise1709

Thanks so much everybody for your replies. He does watch an awful lot of telly, way too much. So I am going to cut out the television for a week or two and see if that makes any difference. More exercise aswel as he does have an awful lot of energy.

His diet and sleep are both good and I have recently stopped sweets, yet that hasn't made much of a difference.

I feel that this is the last resort and then I am going to go about an assessment and as was said it's better for him to get the right help now if he needs it, rather than when he is in school.


I truly appreciate all the help everyone, thank you all so much for the great advice.

farmchoice

personally i would diagnose him as just being a bit of an arsehole. i have diagnosed 2 of my three with the same thing ( both boys funnily enough).
my little girl on the other hand has been diagnosed as being 'a little bitch''

im sure its your own fault, you probably didn't sing to him enough in the womb, or maybe you dont spend enough time baking with him.

if he is talking well and can behave himself when it suits him there is not too much wrong with him. it ain't called the terrible twos for nothing.

all that behavior is depressingly common in 2-3 year old boys .

Louise1709

Hahaha Farmchoice your post gave me such a laugh. Thanks for that and I suppose they are the terrible twos for a reason.

Romantic Rose

farmchoice wrote: »

personally i would diagnose him as just being a bit of an arsehole. i have diagnosed 2 of my three with the same thing ( both boys funnily enough).
my little girl on the other hand has been diagnosed as being 'a little bitch''

im sure its your own fault, you probably didn't sing to him enough in the womb, or maybe you dont spend enough time baking with him.

if he is talking well and can behave himself when it suits him there is not too much wrong with him. it ain't called the terrible twos for nothing.

all that behavior is depressingly common in 2-3 year old boys .

Lol, I couldn't have put it better myself.

Straight from the terrible twos to the threenager year here.

If bribery isn't working then you know you have a problem. My wee monkey could behave herself rightly when Elf on the Shelf came out for the month of December. I knew then she was acting the maggot on me and it was time to get tough.

I was outwitted by a 3 year old but I've lived to tell the tale