Heartbreak

janeryan2003

Hi guys,
Been with my partner for over 4 years so long term relationship. We have recently being having trust issues and when he was in the shower I decided to check his phone. (I know snooping around isn't the signs of a healthy relationship)
Anyhow I noticed on his instagram account under authorised apps was tinder. I found out 3 years ago by accident that he was on tinder. He then 'deleted' the account and swore he only joined it the evening before after we had an argument but apparently never used it.
When I confronted him about tinder appearing as an authorised app he said that it has been an authorised app from three years ago when he joined but never used it. He said he is not on tinder and deleted the account 3 years ago but it must have stayed connected to his instagram account.

He swore he never cheated but i feel heartbroken! My question is, If you connect your tinder account to instagram and then delete your tinder account will it still appear as an authorised app on instagram?

Big Bag of Chips

You had your reasons for checking his phone. Something told you something wasn't right. Whether or not he's on it currently or not is irrelevant. Things aren't good with you and your gut is telling you something.

Even if someone here tells you how it works, he's unlikely to admit to any wrong doing and you are more likely to (want to) believe him than strangers on the internet.

Your relationship is having problems. "Authorised apps" are just a distraction from this. Try to sort out your relationship as a priority, if that's what you want. But both people have to want to salvage it or it can't work.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, going on Tinder after a row is quite the over-reaction, isn't it? What ever happened to going away to sulk or to calm down?

The wording of your post suggests you don't believe a word coming out of his mouth. He "deleted" the Tinder account and supposedly never used it. You tell us you're having trust issues. Why? Is he doing things that are making you not trust him? Have you spent the past 3 years in a state of paranoia, ever since Tinder happened?

Either you trust him or you don't. It sounds like this is eating you up and you're looking for (more) proof that he's going behind your back. Have you always had trust issues or is it only with this guy?

janeryan2003

Thanks for replies. No I haven't always had trust issues I used to be very outgoing when we started going out. He is the one who started accusing me of randomly cheating on him even with my gay friend. He wouldnt let me go on nights out with college friends when i was in college and he went out with a girl group and stayed over at his female friends house during the same period when he was accusing me of cheating. I now feel very alone and isolated as I lost friendships due to not being available to socialize.

Big Bag of Chips

I've often heard posters offer advice in similar circumstances, and the prevailing advice seems to be, people judge you by their own standards.

People who cheat on their partners believe their partners will cheat on them. My friend spent 13 years of a relationship including marriage being accused of all sorts and called all sorts. The girl rarely left the house, whereas he was rarely home. Turns out he had a fondness for visiting prostitutes "for the laugh" on stag nights, holidays, sometimes just on a random Saturday nights. But he judged her by his standards.

Something is making you wary of this fella. It doesn't sound like an equal and loving relationship. 4 years is irrelevant. It can be as long or as short as you decide it is. You can continue on and turn 4 years into 14, or you can walk away and be thankful that you didn't waste more time in an unequal relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

Quite bluntly, I think you should walk from this relationship. I'm sure it has had its good times but look at what it has cost you. You're isolated because he wouldn't let you go out with your friends. It wouldn't surprise me if he has also made it difficult for you to see your own family. You're unhappy and with good reason. Please leave. Can you talk to someone in your family? Your mum? A sister? Even one of your old friends you've lost touch with. The sooner you get out of there, the sooner you can rebuild your life and hopefully meet someone who'll treat you better than this yoke.

magneticimpulse

The option to connect instagram to tinder is only a newish feature since about 10 months ago or maybe a year and a half. It did not exist 3 years ago to be able to connect instagram and tinder back then.

Augme

janeryan2003 wrote: »

Thanks for replies. No I haven't always had trust issues I used to be very outgoing when we started going out. He is the one who started accusing me of randomly cheating on him even with my gay friend. He wouldnt let me go on nights out with college friends when i was in college and he went out with a girl group and stayed over at his female friends house during the same period when he was accusing me of cheating. I now feel very alone and isolated as I lost friendships due to not being available to socialize.

At this stage it doesn't matter about Tinder or if he is cheating. Even if he isn't cheating the guy sounds like a proper POS. Dump him and start living your life again.

shesty

OP.....if someone 'doesn't let' you go out with your friends, that should be ringing alarmbells with you, for starters.

You're better off without him.

fmpisces

Sounds to me like there was doubt there, enough for you to go through his phone, after which you saw the Instagram/Tinder thing.
He sounds like a very controlling person, been there and done that and take it from someone who knows, that will not change. It's always one "rule" for you and the rest the of the world and another for them. They're always the one that gets the better end of the stick. As I always say, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"! Another thing, someone who points the finger of guilt and wrongdoing at someone else is 99.9% of the time the person who is guilty.

I hope you do the right thing by you.

groovyg

janeryan2003 wrote: »

He is the one who started accusing me of randomly cheating on him even with my gay friend. He wouldnt let me go on nights out with college friends when i was in college and he went out with a girl group and stayed over at his female friends house during the same period when he was accusing me of cheating. I now feel very alone and isolated as I lost friendships due to not being available to socialize.

This alone should have set off massive alarm bells! I think you need to cut your losses and get out of this relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

The only person I'm heartbroken for here is the outgoing young woman who fell for this POS and lost her friends and her confidence. Being heartbroken is the easy bit. Finding the courage to leave is much much harder.

janeryan2003

Thanks everyone for the replies. I just feel so heartbroken and lonely and don't know what to do.

Ursus Horribilis

janeryan2003 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies. I just feel so heartbroken and lonely and don't know what to do.

Break up with him and start your life again. If you're heartbroken and lonely now, what do you think is going to change if you choose to continue this relationship? Note how not one person has advised you to stay. Everybody is telling you the relationship is bad and that you should leave. He's not going to change and the only person you can control is you.

Can you not ask your family for help?
Or reach out to an old friend? I know if a friend I'd lost contact with rang me, I'd be delighted to hear from them. You're still young enough to start again. Why waste the best years of your life in bad relationship that is chipping away at your self confidence?