32 and feel at a crossroads in life

LegacyUser

Hi all,
The last few weeks of my life have been incredibly confusing, I am having somewhat of an early 30s crisis and would love some advice.

Background - I am 32, single, female, no kids. I don't have many friends either, the only thing that would remotely tie me to Ireland is my parents. I have always had a nagging feeling that Ireland isn't right for me long term but my whole life I have always followed my head and not my heart. I am a risk-averse person and like to think things through thoroughly before committing - and the older I get, the worse I get for that.

I graduated college in 2006 and after a year or so in a job I hated, went on a 1 year visa to Canada for all of 2008. I made great friends and wanted to stay but couldn't due to not being able to get a visa. I was heartbroken for months after I came home and have always had it in my mind that I want to go back, but this time, on a permanent basis, without the heartbreak of having to leave after a certain time.

When I got home from Canada I got a job in a tech company and since then have done well, have moved company a few times and have a very well paid job now. I work remotely so am not tied to one location or even country. I always had it in my head that at some point in my 20s I would take a year out and go travel and find where I want to live, but it never happened. I was never earning or saving enough, or I would find a new job that was better paid and figure I should stick around for it for another year or so... What bothers me is that the work I do is not forever - I work in user support because it's all I've ever done, but I don't want to do it forever.

So 32 now and beginning to think I should really put roots down somewhere. I have a deposit saved up for a house but the thought of making such a huge investment in Ireland is scary. My parents are really pushing for me to settle here but for what seems to be selfish reasons (they are very traditional and would expect me to take care of them down the road, whereas there's zero expectations of my brothers and lots of excuses on their behalfs).

I am applying for permanent residence to Canada as I now have the right skilled work experience to give me a very good chance. In addition, I am still young enough to get decent points based on my age - once you've hit 30, you are less eligible every year as your points decrease with age, so I kind of have to do it now or never. The idea of starting over somewhere else is terrifying though, especially since house prices are so expensive there that I will only ever be able to afford a condo or apartment.

Obviously I may not be accepted to Canada and that leaves me wondering what I'll do instead. I would like to move to Berlin or somewhere similar and just live somewhere else for a year or so and see more of the world. However at the back of all this, I have been accepted for a 2 year part time course that will allow me to upskill and hopefully change career. I don't know if I'd be any good at it or if I'd even want to work in the area in the end, but it's still a very good offer and will open doors for me. On top of that, the course is free on a Government scheme, which is amazing - I would pay thousands to do this anywhere else. But it ties me to Ireland for another 2 years.

My age is constantly almost ringing in my head. If I stay to do a 2 year course, I'll be 34 by the time I graduate and am worried that by that time I will be too old to go anywhere else. If I go move to Berlin or Canada or anywhere and then end up deciding I do want to settle in Ireland, house prices could be so high by the time I come home that I won't be able to afford anything anyway. And the older I get, the less likely I am to get a very long mortgage with the payments spread out as much as possible.

The logical person in me says to stay here for now and do the course, and if I get accepted to Canada, move there when I graduate (you don't have to move there immediately when accepted). However I just don't know if I can do another 2 years in Dublin. Life is short and the years are flying by as it is. How do you make a decision about things like this?

Tell me how

Hi yournameisntrio

If I, or anyone else was able to tell you exactly how to make such a decision and for it to be the right one for you, we'd be very rich people.
There is no exact science and everyone is different.

There's a lot of ifs in your post, "if you get the visa in Canada", "if you do the further education", "if you find you want to settle in Ireland", each of these are literally predicting the future, it's impossible to say what way it will play out. But, maybe a therapist would help tease these out with you.

For example;
Maybe your fondness of your time in Canada was because of the friends you had there (you mention that you don't have many in Ireland), how might you feel about Canada if it was different to your time there 10 years ago?
The further education you mention is not something which you know you would be good at or would even want to work at in future, that sounds like a weak enough position from which to be committing 2 years to study but may be there's more about it that appeals to you. You mention the fact that you might get funding for the course but if you currently are in a well paid job (and have a deposit for a house) if it was something which you really wanted to do then I'm sure you could manage to fund it.
Maybe you find you want to settle in Ireland. House prices could also have dropped in 2 years, unlikely I hear you say but what direction did people think house prices were going to move in back in 2006?

With respect to your parents, I do have an opinion on this. You have your life to live! I'm not suggesting you abandon them but if you were to ask them would they prefer that you were living in Ireland and were unhappy or were living abroad and were happy. What would they say?

So often we mention therapists when discussing health issues which have already been identified and are affecting an individuals life, but, in my view, a good therapist can help someone through something like this before it becomes debilitating. They can help someone not by handing them answers but by helping them find them themselves or understand the questions they have better. I think, (but am not qualified to suggest) that working with a therapist may help you with this.

I'm not suggesting any of my comments above are answers but just to show how they might be teased out. That, in my view, is where a therapist could help. They can simply be a sounding board to discuss your thoughts in a non-judgmental way and a good one might spot trains of thought in your conversation which you are unaware of. They can be like a good friend who you don't have to worry about how they are going to react to what you say. It can take work to find the right one which you click with and are comfortable talking to and also is relatively expensive when you consider an hourly rate. However, if it helped you move closer to a position of happiness, it's money well spent in my view. Of course, such work would not happen in one session and may take several weeks or months but again, time well spent if it helps you in the end.

I see a lot of myself in your post. I am male, 38 (so visa options are very limited for me) and no friends who aren't married and have a family at this stage so I find myself having very different conversations with them to the thoughts that go on in my own head. I have a house (but it is not a home) and also feel I may be better suited to being abroad for a period. I am travelling my own journey to try to find out where is right for me and I see that you are too. I really admire anyone who asks what they want from life and strives to achieve it rather than just accept the status quo of where they are at. That being said, I do envy people who appear to be content with their lot, no matter what that is. What it must be like to feel you are in the best place for you!

I hope my thoughts help you in some small way. There is one final thing I'd like to say on this. It is your life. Own whatever decision you make as being your decision which was right for you at that time. There's nothing bad about looking back and thinking it was the wrong one to have made, it was right at the time. If you can, don't have a therapist, friend, family member (or anyone on boards) tell you what you "should" do. It'll just make it more likely that you'll feel misplaced in future again.

So, good luck with your journey, I am sure it will work out well for you.

DoozerT6

OP have you kept in touch with your friends from Canada over the years? How feasible is it to take maybe three weeks off from work, head back over there for a holiday, catch up with your friends, maybe suss out the job market, and see if it is actually as good as you remember. Imagine uprooting your life and going back there to find a very different place than you remember, with friends who's lives have maybe moved on and no longer have as much time as they used to, due to work or family commitments. (Even if they are all still keen to catch up remember that people will generally make more of an effort to see someone if they're just in the country on holiday - were you to live there, you may go weeks or months without being able to arrange a meet-up).

Keep going with the permanent residency application anyway, in case it DOES turn out to be what you want. Could you do the same sort of course you're thinking of in Canada, if you do end up going there?

Addle

You're taking a risk if you go to Canada, and you're taking a risk if you don't.

You can come home from Canada at any time, for whatever reason.
Can you leave for Canada at any stage?
If I was in your position, I'd go.

LegacyUser

Tell me how wrote: »

There's a lot of ifs in your post, "if you get the visa in Canada", "if you do the further education", "if you find you want to settle in Ireland", each of these are literally predicting the future, it's impossible to say what way it will play out. But, maybe a therapist would help tease these out with you.

You're right. I am struggling with all the variables. I am the type of person who likes to have a Plan A, B and C for every possible scenario. In this case, everything is magnified because all of the things I want to do are big deals. I struggle choosing a colour to paint my nails, so deciding on where to live is astronomical for me. Maybe a therapist would be a good idea.

Tell me how wrote: »

Maybe your fondness of your time in Canada was because of the friends you had there (you mention that you don't have many in Ireland), how might you feel about Canada if it was different to your time there 10 years ago?

That's a good point. A big part of the reason I ended up not wanting to leave was because I had made a nice group of friends for myself, we all used to go out after work every Friday, it was great. I have always been a bit of a loner and socially awkward, I felt like I belonged. But before I made those friends I felt very lonely in Canada and did get homesick quite a few times. However I still preferred it for many reasons. I find Ireland very backwards and our government are just so useless.

Tell me how wrote: »

The further education you mention is not something which you know you would be good at or would even want to work at in future, that sounds like a weak enough position from which to be committing 2 years to study but may be there's more about it that appeals to you. You mention the fact that you might get funding for the course but if you currently are in a well paid job (and have a deposit for a house) if it was something which you really wanted to do then I'm sure you could manage to fund it.

Right now, unfortunately there is no way I could afford to fund it. If I paid out of my savings I would be years saving it all back for a house deposit.
If I took out a loan for the tuition fees, this would impact a mortgage application as they take into consideration all of your current debts.

Tell me how wrote: »

With respect to your parents, I do have an opinion on this. You have your life to live! I'm not suggesting you abandon them but if you were to ask them would they prefer that you were living in Ireland and were unhappy or were living abroad and were happy. What would they say?

They would accept it, but wouldn't be happy about it. Mother has already told me she doesn't want me to go. Father, being his usual lovely self, just kind of sneered at me about it.

Tell me how wrote: »

I see a lot of myself in your post. I am male, 38 (so visa options are very limited for me) and no friends who aren't married and have a family at this stage so I find myself having very different conversations with them to the thoughts that go on in my own head. I have a house (but it is not a home) and also feel I may be better suited to being abroad for a period. I am travelling my own journey to try to find out where is right for me and I see that you are too. I really admire anyone who asks what they want from life and strives to achieve it rather than just accept the status quo of where they are at. That being said, I do envy people who appear to be content with their lot, no matter what that is. What it must be like to feel you are in the best place for you!

I hope my thoughts help you in some small way. There is one final thing I'd like to say on this. It is your life. Own whatever decision you make as being your decision which was right for you at that time. There's nothing bad about looking back and thinking it was the wrong one to have made, it was right at the time. If you can, don't have a therapist, friend, family member (or anyone on boards) tell you what you "should" do. It'll just make it more likely that you'll feel misplaced in future again.

So, good luck with your journey, I am sure it will work out well for you.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate all of the time and care you took to help me. You have been very kind.

LegacyUser

DoozerT6 wrote: »

OP have you kept in touch with your friends from Canada over the years? How feasible is it to take maybe three weeks off from work, head back over there for a holiday, catch up with your friends, maybe suss out the job market, and see if it is actually as good as you remember. Imagine uprooting your life and going back there to find a very different place than you remember, with friends who's lives have maybe moved on and no longer have as much time as they used to, due to work or family commitments. (Even if they are all still keen to catch up remember that people will generally make more of an effort to see someone if they're just in the country on holiday - were you to live there, you may go weeks or months without being able to arrange a meet-up).

Keep going with the permanent residency application anyway, in case it DOES turn out to be what you want. Could you do the same sort of course you're thinking of in Canada, if you do end up going there?

That's a good point, it's been years so maybe a lot of them have moved on now. I know one girl still lives in the area and is single like myself. I was chatting to her a few weeks ago about it and she was very excited about the idea of me coming back.

Regarding the course - I could absolutely study in Canada, it just would be very expensive and obliterate my savings

Addle wrote: »

You're taking a risk if you go to Canada, and you're taking a risk if you don't.

You can come home from Canada at any time, for whatever reason.
Can you leave for Canada at any stage?
If I was in your position, I'd go.

That's a very good point, and part of what has me stressing. If I want to go, I need to make it happen sooner rather than later - I'm becoming less eligible with every year that passes. And once I'm there I can always come home.

LegacyUser

Oh yeah, something else - when I was posting this thread the other day - because I'm posting anonymously, I had to fill out the Captcha and type the words that show in the boxes. The vast majority of the time it's numbers, but for this particular thread, it was two words, once of which was "Toronto"! Just thought it was funny.

RhubarbCrumble

yournameisntrio wrote: »

Oh yeah, something else - when I was posting this thread the other day - because I'm posting anonymously, I had to fill out the Captcha and type the words that show in the boxes. The vast majority of the time it's numbers, but for this particular thread, it was two words, once of which was "Toronto"! Just thought it was funny.

It's a sign!

To be honest, the first thing I picked up on in this thread was your parents opinions. The fact that they basically expect you to stay here and look after them in their old age while there's no such expectation made towards your brothers and that your mother doesn't want you to go while your father openly sneered at you, well that would send me off more than anything else.

What ever about your own financial reasons etc for maybe not going, do NOT stay here just because your parents want or expect you too. You're entitled to have your own life and do what YOU want and what makes YOU happy.

Ursus Horribilis

You'll be taking a chance regardless of what option you choose. I think you should go. Backwards Ireland with its useless government will always be here if you don't like Canada. Whether you're looking at Canada through rose-tinted glasses or if you don't belong here, I've no idea. But with the mindset you have, you'll probably always have that nagging "what if?" in your mind. You never seem to have settled here. So go and see how you get on. If it works out, great. If not, you still have time to rebuild again.