Have I ruined my life?

LegacyUser

Ok so my life is an unbelievable mess of things, that can be hard to explain but I will try anyways because I really need advice. I am currently 20 and I have very severe depression and suicidal thoughts, I am diagnosed with ASD and I believe it is a correct diagnosis because even before my life became disastrous I had trouble trying to speak with people and socialize.
My life was normal for a small portion of my childhood but then my sister started abusing me sexually and my parents relationship strained and they separated. I did not understand my older sister sexually abusing me but I know now what she did and understand that her blackmailing me and doing everything she did was not just a game.
That abuse went on until I was 11 but I had started puberty then so I am still very unnerved in my body.
When my parents started separating their abuse became worse towards us, my mam was quite mentally abusive as was my dad both occasionally being physically abusive. My dad was kicked out and my mam got really bad alcohol and drug problems, she would be away for weeks and never bought food social workers were involved.
I sought out validation when I was 14 from a grown man and when I got to that actual situation but I couldn't say anything so I feel I was raped.
Because of that situation I sought out another similar situation but the same happened again.
I have been depressed since I was a child, I can't count how many times I've attempted suicide.
My older sister used to cause a lot of problems at home, stealing, running away and fighting with my mam to the point where when my mam was actually home she would only focus on her.
I got a boyfriend when I was 16 and I fell pregnant when I was 18 and because my mam was threatening to kick out my older sister because she thought she was pregnant, I was even more terrified.
I had a termination which I still haven't really gotten over but I eventually told my mam about it.
I'm trying to get help mentally for myself because I can't stand being this depressed anymore, I can't sleep, and if I do I have horrible nightmares and wake up covered in scratches and bruises.
I have talked to my doctor who referred me to mental health services but instead of listening to me and my idea of counselling which was hard for me to express anyways they wanted to reassess my ASD.
I went back to my gp and told her about my sister abusing me and she recommended abuse counselling which I think will really help, but I think my older sister might have done the same to my youngest sister aged 7, I know she abused my other sister aged 17 and my abusive sister is currently pregnant which is causing a lot of pain to me as these children will be at risk near her.
My mother still trusts my sister despite having more evidence not to and I'm worried if I come forward about this my mam will choose her over me.
I'm sorry this post is so long, it was hard to write as I'm not very good with words especially about personal things.
I just really need advice.
Have I ruined my new life and relationship I've built up with my mam by talking about this?

Vlove

Messedupgirl wrote: »

Ok so my life is an unbelievable mess of things, that can be hard to explain but I will try anyways because I really need advice. I am currently 20 and I have very severe depression and suicidal thoughts, I am diagnosed with ASD and I believe it is a correct diagnosis because even before my life became disastrous I had trouble trying to speak with people and socialize.
My life was normal for a small portion of my childhood but then my sister started abusing me sexually and my parents relationship strained and they separated. I did not understand my older sister sexually abusing me but I know now what she did and understand that her blackmailing me and doing everything she did was not just a game.
That abuse went on until I was 11 but I had started puberty then so I am still very unnerved in my body.
When my parents started separating their abuse became worse towards us, my mam was quite mentally abusive as was my dad both occasionally being physically abusive. My dad was kicked out and my mam got really bad alcohol and drug problems, she would be away for weeks and never bought food social workers were involved.
I sought out validation when I was 14 from a grown man and when I got to that actual situation but I couldn't say anything so I feel I was raped.
Because of that situation I sought out another similar situation but the same happened again.
I have been depressed since I was a child, I can't count how many times I've attempted suicide.
My older sister used to cause a lot of problems at home, stealing, running away and fighting with my mam to the point where when my mam was actually home she would only focus on her.
I got a boyfriend when I was 16 and I fell pregnant when I was 18 and because my mam was threatening to kick out my older sister because she thought she was pregnant, I was even more terrified.
I had a termination which I still haven't really gotten over but I eventually told my mam about it.
I'm trying to get help mentally for myself because I can't stand being this depressed anymore, I can't sleep, and if I do I have horrible nightmares and wake up covered in scratches and bruises.
I have talked to my doctor who referred me to mental health services but instead of listening to me and my idea of counselling which was hard for me to express anyways they wanted to reassess my ASD.
I went back to my gp and told her about my sister abusing me and she recommended abuse counselling which I think will really help, but I think my older sister might have done the same to my youngest sister aged 7, I know she abused my other sister aged 17 and my abusive sister is currently pregnant which is causing a lot of pain to me as these children will be at risk near her.
My mother still trusts my sister despite having more evidence not to and I'm worried if I come forward about this my mam will choose her over me.
I'm sorry this post is so long, it was hard to write as I'm not very good with words especially about personal things.
I just really need advice.
Have I ruined my new life and relationship I've built up with my mam by talking about this?

First of all, I am so sorry that you are experiencing abuse and to be honest, I doubt you are ruining anything. It's not even your fault either that you caused your mother's issues. Second I think the counselling should be good for you to talk to someone about this as your situation is really serious. When will you be seeing this threapist?

Tell me how

Messedupgirl wrote: »

Ok so my life is an unbelievable mess of things, that can be hard to explain but I will try anyways because I really need advice. I am currently 20 and I have very severe depression and suicidal thoughts, I am diagnosed with ASD and I believe it is a correct diagnosis because even before my life became disastrous I had trouble trying to speak with people and socialize.
My life was normal for a small portion of my childhood but then my sister started abusing me sexually and my parents relationship strained and they separated. I did not understand my older sister sexually abusing me but I know now what she did and understand that her blackmailing me and doing everything she did was not just a game.
That abuse went on until I was 11 but I had started puberty then so I am still very unnerved in my body.
When my parents started separating their abuse became worse towards us, my mam was quite mentally abusive as was my dad both occasionally being physically abusive. My dad was kicked out and my mam got really bad alcohol and drug problems, she would be away for weeks and never bought food social workers were involved.
I sought out validation when I was 14 from a grown man and when I got to that actual situation but I couldn't say anything so I feel I was raped.
Because of that situation I sought out another similar situation but the same happened again.
I have been depressed since I was a child, I can't count how many times I've attempted suicide.
My older sister used to cause a lot of problems at home, stealing, running away and fighting with my mam to the point where when my mam was actually home she would only focus on her.
I got a boyfriend when I was 16 and I fell pregnant when I was 18 and because my mam was threatening to kick out my older sister because she thought she was pregnant, I was even more terrified.
I had a termination which I still haven't really gotten over but I eventually told my mam about it.
I'm trying to get help mentally for myself because I can't stand being this depressed anymore, I can't sleep, and if I do I have horrible nightmares and wake up covered in scratches and bruises.
I have talked to my doctor who referred me to mental health services but instead of listening to me and my idea of counselling which was hard for me to express anyways they wanted to reassess my ASD.
I went back to my gp and told her about my sister abusing me and she recommended abuse counselling which I think will really help, but I think my older sister might have done the same to my youngest sister aged 7, I know she abused my other sister aged 17 and my abusive sister is currently pregnant which is causing a lot of pain to me as these children will be at risk near her.
My mother still trusts my sister despite having more evidence not to and I'm worried if I come forward about this my mam will choose her over me.
I'm sorry this post is so long, it was hard to write as I'm not very good with words especially about personal things.
I just really need advice.
Have I ruined my new life and relationship I've built up with my mam by talking about this?

Hi Messedupgirl

It sounds like you have had an incredibly difficult life. My heart goes out to you. I cannot give you any direct advice, but the part I have marked in bold above does stand out to me.
I think we have to trust professionals when we are seeking help. We wouldn't bring a car to a mechanic and then tell him what needs to be done with and I think it is the very same with mental health issues.

You definitely need help and support. Do you trust your GP? Do they know the full story that you have outlined above? If not, could you tell them? I think just having one person who you can talk to without worrying about how they will react is incredibly important in dealing with stuff like this. And anyone who is trying to help you needs to know the appropriate information. If you're not comfortable talking to someone, then you need to be able to talk to someone else.

Are you aware of the support groups for people who have had such difficulties, or the likes of the Samaritans when times get very difficult? Such services are there because people need help and there should be no shame in using them. Given your experiences, your Dr should be able to give you information on the right groups who may be able to offer some sort of support even if it is just a friendly ear.

Take care. I hope things improve for you.

Teyla Emmagan

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. What a terribly difficult childhood you have had. I am not surprised you are struggling. I don't know why your post title is "have I made a mess of my life" though. None of this is your fault. You are not to blame for any of it. You have just been horribly unlucky so far.

I think you should talk to your mother. If your sister is pregnant her children are at risk from her abuse, and so is your little sister. Tulsa should be told. The guards should be told. Your mother may not want to hear it, but that doesn't mean you don't owe it to yourself to tell her what happened to you.

As for the counseling, you should go back. You should tell them everything. They can't help if they don't understand what you have been through. Give them another chance. Reach out with both hands and take whatever help is available to you. Call the Samaritans, call Pieta house. Tell your GP exactly how you are feeling.

The first 20 years of your life may not have been great but that doesn't mean the rest of it won't be. But you do need help.