How To move on from affair-Practical advice pls

DrTurtle

So - first post. But I really need some support and advice. Even if you feel you need to judge me (which I totally understand) please try help also and give me some practical advice on how to cope in my situation. Even if i don't deserve it, please help me - it will help me to help my children.

Before I start - yes - I am married and I had an affair. I owned up to it and told my husband (who had cheated on me himself whilst i was pregnant with our first child and into the early months after our first baby was born). We went through marriage counselling, and worked a lot of things out, and agreed to stay together. For our family, but also each other. We are best friends, who have been a couple 20years since last we were teenagers. We were very young when we got together and neither of us had any previous relationships (not trying to make excuses. But maybe an explanation as to why we stay together.)

BUT - whilst I care very deeply for my husband. I don't "love" him "love" him anymore. (I don't believe you are unfaithful to someone you love). I love someone else - the man I had an affair with for 5 years. My husband knows how I feel. I don't think he "loves me loves me" with either, although we are best friends, mostly enjoy each other's company, and parent well together.

I ended my affair over 5 years ago. I just couldn't be a cheat and a liar anymore (which was probably very selfish of me). My husband asked me what was going on, so I was open and honest about it all. I tried to admit all I had done wrong and I've been trying to make amends for it since. And - I have been good. I have had no contact with this other Man. I haven't seen him, phoned him, etc.for the last 5 years l, Day to day, I go about normal family, married life, as you're supposed to.

But, my heart is broken. I desperately miss the man I had the "affair" with. I can't stop Thinking about him, wondering how henis, if he's ok, if he's happy. and every day is a constant battle to "Be good" and not contact him. I don't give in. But I miss him. I miss talking to him everyday - talking to someone who makes me laugh, who I make laugh, someone who I have fun with, some who I "get", who also gets me, my interests, my work (I've a very high stress job). Someone who's is interested in me, and vice versa. My husband and i are very different people, with very different interests and works views, from Very different backgrounds. We try our best to find a common ground. But everything is a struggle.

And this is where I need advice - how do I keep going with this everyday struggle? How do I have a marriage with someone I care very deeply about, when I love someone else? How do I stop loving this someone else, and love my husband again? I thought time was a great healer, but 5 years later, there is no change in how i feel. And also for my husband - I know he feels the same. How can he love me? Live daily with me? When we have hurt each other so much.

I know the easy answer is "just split up". Financially, this is not an option. But more than this, my husband and I have so much shared history and care deeply for each other (despite affairs I know I know). We want I make our marriage work - for our children, and ourselves.

I know if I could just somehow let this "love" for this other man go, we could maybe move On. I recognise also, I may be idealising this other relationship. But I'm open to suggestions of how to let that ideal also.

Judge me if you need to. It's not worse than how I think of myself. But if you could please also provide practical support with that judgement, that could save a marriage for some little people Mum and dad.

racso1975

You don't love this other man it's just an infatuation you have.

What type of affair was it? Work based? Social - out for dinner together, drinks?

Your post does contradict a fair bit. you say you and hubby are best friends then go on to say different interests background and everything is a struggle?

There is a saying that you shouldn't stay together for the kids and it rings true for a reason!!! You say you are not in love with your husband nor he with you.....so what's the point?

Options wise in relation to what you want is obvious..counseling.

Out of interest the man you were with was he married or single? It's interesting that he hasn't contacted you either.....

dudara

Lickin2me - I have deleted your post as it was not at the standard required here in PI/RI. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Yellow pack crisps

You make a decision. That is how you move on. You prioritise that desision and you put all your effort, work, heart and actions into it. Whether that is staying togearter or ending your marriage. If it's ending the marriage well then you will find a way, people do. You sound terribly unhappy and you both despite, what you say, seem both unloved, you are papering over a crack that is just getting bigger and you are now becoming afraid because you realise you running out of paper.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I strongly believe you can make this work if you both are committed to do so. For generations we did not marry just for romantic love, but for other reasons too. and even if you do marry with love in your heart it changes, and marriages evolve. The ones that don't evolve are the ones that don't work out.

the no. 1 piece of advice i would give is to learn how to resolve conflict. and given the fact you have managed to move past infidelity i suspect you are already doing something right. Conflict can tear you apart, if you don't work out how to deal with it. Following on from this - you need to be able to communicate without dragging up the past. Eg if every time you guys have a conflict, all the past gets dragged up and thrown in one partners face, this accumulates until the marriage is dead.

2nd piece of advice is equality in the marriage. if one partner does not respect the other as an equal, it poisons things. different partners contribute different things, especially with children. One is often the disciplinarian (wait till your dad gets home etc) one may be a homemaker, but you have have equal status and appreciate the contribution your partner makes. Again i get the sense you are good at this too. you talk about how he is a good parent, and a good person. i suspect there is a lot of respect there, and i hope it's mutual.

Last piece of advice is opening up to each other. i get that your not passionately wrapped up in each other anymore. but for a marriage to work i think you need to be open about how things are going, to let the other person in. Its not a marriage if you you are separate entities with shared interests (EG the kids and bills) and you drift apart.

good luck.

Mr. Incognito

Why would you both stay in an unhappy marriage?

Can you not just split on amicable terms and you can be with someone you actually love.

Life is too short to plod along to keep other peoples expectations happy.

shesty

The problem is that it's not "other people's"expectations....it's your kid's whole lives.

I think you have a good basis to make it work OP, but as someone else said, you have to decide that the past is the past and that's it.You may need help yourself to move past that.

The other thing is.....thinking back on the affair now probably makes it seem great but the reality is that if you had settled into a relationship with the other guy then the humdrum of everyday life would take over there too eventually.It happens to the best of us.

Do you really want to put all that behind you and move on?Because if you do, then i think you probably can with some work from both of you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Very sorry to read your post, your heartache comes across very clearly in it.

I would ask you to be kind to yourself. Love is a fanatically complex emotion. Every single one of us approaches it differently. We have spent a huge amount of time since we began recording the history of our species writing about love, trying to understand it, it is one of the fundamental prisms through which we view our lives. No one here can tell you if you are right or wrong to feel what you feel, because all our concepts and constructions of love are so different. Your partner and yourself have been through so much, you've both hurt each other but ye both have come back and worked hard to save what ye have. We are sold a "one size fits all" approach to relationships when we are very young but the older I get I see how rare that size really fits anyone. We have atomised our communities and now expect our relationship with our partner to be all number of things.

Personally, I think you should have a frank conversation with your husband about the possibility of an open relationship. Yourself and your husband have the ability to define your relationship any way you choose. It is not up to you to fit into society's norms, nor is it right for society to impose its norms on you, if you don't want them.

I appreciate an open relationship isn't for everyone and if it isn't possible, maybe allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you lost. You saved your marriage, and that is great, incredible really, but you also lost a long term relationship, a friendship as well as a lover. A loss like that isn't easy.

If an open relationship isn't possible, I would strongly suggest you write about your feelings. Your post is beautifully written, and I suspect writing could give you an insight into your own feelings. Sit down and write 500 words about how all this came be, and then just keep going, expressing yourself, write honestly. No one ever has to see it but it allows the underlying thoughts come into focus.

As an aside, so many people I know live fantastic hidden lives that only come out when you really get to know them. In Ireland we still have a real problem with intimacy, we still keep so much of ourselves "inside".

I really think you need to be kind to yourself too OP, you've done a really hard thing. Good luck, I hope the heartache eases.

Airyfairy12

You and your husband dont have to stay together. Lots of couples with children split and remain very amicable and good friends. If this marriage is such a struggle why put yourself and your husband through it?

Johnnyhpipe

My view is, if you cant decide between 2 men (or women), pick the second one. If you really loved the first, you wouldn't have found the second..

There's no point spending your life this was "trying to be good". You get one very short life, that's it, then you're done. Don't waste it pleasing other people.

Big Bag of Chips

I think most people move on from affairs easily (ish) when the affair meant nothing more than a quick fumble. In your case you fell in love and feel like you are still in love. You can't get over it if you think you are still in love. And the fact that this man is now just a memory is making it more difficult to fall out of love. You're stuck with the rose tinted glasses on.

You may have fallen out of love with your husband. It happens. It happens when real life gets in the way of a great romance. The mundane takes over. Kids, dinners, bills, lunches, work, tidying, bins, washing. It all becomes life and you can easily neglect your relationship.

You cannot possibly move on from an affair and live happily ever after with your husband if you don't love him. So the only thing you can do is try, realistically try to fall back in love with him. You loved him at one stage, so for your marriage to have any chance, and for you to have any chance at being happy you need to do whatever it is you can do to fall back in love. Go to counselling, together, and give it a proper chance. If you are still in love with the other man then you wouldn't have been too invested in counselling the last time. You would have just been going to tick that box.

You need to forget any romantic notion you have of the other man. You are in love with a memory. It was 5 years ago. You haven't a clue what sort of person he is now. Married? Heavy drinker? Workaholic? Cheating on his current partner? Until you accept that you are not in love with a person, but a memory, then you won't be able to give yourself to trying to save your relationship.

The choice is yours, but life is too long to spend everyday in an empty relationship.

jimd2

racso1975 wrote: »

You don't love this other man it's just an infatuation you have.

She was with the guy 5 years - it's more than an infatuation.

I actually agree with the poster saying to split amicably. That is considering the way you have described things. Perhaps a trial separation and then, when you are fully decided that the marriage is over and communicated to all family etc, then perhaps see if there is still something there with this other man. After all, he could be in a new relationship or not interested in you anymore.

Big Bag of Chips

jimd2 wrote: »

She was with the guy 5 years - it's more than an infatuation.

She wasn't "with him" in the same sense that she was with her husband in day to day life. It was secret and exciting and time together was always going to be limited, and therefore fun. And when it came to it, she didn't leave her husband for him.

OP, you are in love with a memory. And your marriage has no chance of recovering as long as you stay "in love" with that memory.

DrTurtle

Thank you so very much everyone for your kind, helpful and non-judgemental replies.

I have tried for the last few years to talk to friends and family in RL about our situation. But obviously no one there can be objective. I'm either told "just leave" or "put up and shut up". Which truly I have been trying to do (and I have been doing because posting here is the first not shuting up I've done in a long time).

But leaving really is not an option. Financially mostly. There is no where else for me and my children to go. I can't afford to rent any where. I work full time but childcare is more than our mortgage as it is. We bought before the boom and couldn't even afford to rent our own house in today's market. There is no way we can afford to run 2 households . And early on after my husband cheated, I tried to speak with my parents about staying with them for a bit but I was told there would be no support from them and not to leave my marriage no matter what. So Unless absolutely necessary, I don't want to disrupt my children's lives by not only losing their parents marriage, but their school, community, neighbourhood, friends etc.

And day to day - our lives our not terrible. We're pleasant and kind to each other. We don't have huge blazing rows. There's mostly no horrible atmosphere. We laugh and play with our kids and all have a good time.we do what needs to be done. There's is just very little joy or connection or intimacy between us. This seems to bother me more than him. I still mostly have sex with when he wants. And it's good sex. And that all mostly seems ok with him. Maybe that should all be enough for me. And I'm being very selfish and childish being so heartbroken about this life and wanting more. I do try and be thankful and grateful. And i am. I have so much more than most. But it all feels fake sometimes.

I completely agree I am "in love" with memories. Of what I had with this other man, but also, what I had with my husband before things went so wrong so beteeen us. I would give anything to go back to how we were together when we were were kids, before we had kids. That is what we both hope, that is what keeps us together.

I know that is a childish dream thou - we are both very different people now. And we are trying very hard to "fall back in love" with one another as we are now. I just don't know if that is possible. It seems easier for him than me, tbh. He is happy with this life as is. But I am not. Not be a long shot. I want so much more. But to live this life with him, I feel I need to shut down or close off so many parts of myself. Parts that bloomed with this other man.

And that is the hardest memory to let go off - the person I was around this other man. As weird as it sounds - despite cheating and lying - that relationship still brought out the best of me. I liked the person i was with this other man. The more true me. I liked that he loved that in me. That his love brought out those sides of me that I've had to put to sleep again to be good and be married. Creative sides, passionate sides, funny humourous sides, mad crazy sides, kind sides, strength, resiliency, bravery, health. Oh I don't know. We probably only had sex 5-6 times. In case people thought it was just that. But we used to talk and/or write 15-16 times a day. That is what I miss. Someone to share my life with. My husband and I live together. But (bar our kids) we don't share our lives. We live in parallel.

My husband and I have discussed an open marriage. But neither of us are interested in being with other people. We want to figure out how to want to be together again. To be interested in each other. To not live in parallel.


Importantly, I also don't want to be with this other man anymore. I do still know him and what he is doing. We were old, old friends before the "affair". But we were never allowed to be together by our families as kids, as we were different religions. But he has had 5years to come and fight for me if he wanted me. And he hasn't bothered. But my husband has been here my beside, all through everything. And I do love him for that. And it tells me all I need to know.

I know that - intellectually. I just don't know how to feel it

Anyway. Apologies for the essay. But thank you everyone for your input

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This post has been deleted.

Glitter

Do you think Op, you'd be more fulfilled in your marriage if you were more personally fulfilled?

You seem frustrated creatively, like you're not expressing the full extent of your personality
But that is your own responsibility. You can bring it back and share your experiences with your husband, but it's up to you to go for it. Ye don't have to do everything together.

So what can you take up that would bring out this side of yourself?

For instance, I just read a biography of a woman who did 100 stand up comedy gigs in 100 nights when her youngest child was six months old.

That might be a tad extreme but it just goes to show what's possible, even with family responsibilities in the mix.

Anatom

I think OP that you've just answered your own question.

A part of your worries could be (and this is just a guess), that as we get a little bit older and have to deal with all of the things that life throws at us (mortgages, kids, careers, etc.), we are inclined to look back at "the way we were" and think that those times were better and more care-free.

Well, they probably were. That's what life is like when you're young and have fewer responsibilities. Unfortunately, life takes over and we all have to work hard to keep up with it. We cannot reverse the clock though.

Sometimes, the "spark" that brought us together with our partners dwindles. You say you love your husband, and its easy to see that, especially in your second post, so stick with it.

In my experience, as kids get older and the old, settling-down quarrels ("You don't love me as much as I love you", or "Why don't you do more around the house", kind of thing) dissipate as the routines take over, you can end up loving each other more, but in a slightly different, but much deeper way. In your case I suspect that has already happened. You don't want to part. You're still intimate with each other, and enjoy it. And you have a couple of kids you're both devoted to. It appears that your only "real" (sorry, that's probably not the right word, but its all I have right now) problems are the normal ones of work, childcare etc. that everyone gets very stressed about.

Best of luck with it.

SB_Part2

I'm not really sure what advice you are looking for here. The obvious answer is to end this marriage but you're not going to.

If you haven't got over this in 5 years, I honestly don't think you ever will.