Envious of friends success

LegacyUser

I met my friend in college, we were in different years but studying the same subjects. My friend is younger than me but was a few years ahead of me in college.
The thing about her is everything goes right for her, she never has to struggle to work through anything, everything falls into place. Im the complete opposite. If anything can go wrong, it will, everythings a struggle.
I'm not particularly likeable despite always making a positive effort with people they never seem to click with me or it feels like they think im stupid. an example of this two weeks ago, I went out with a friend and we met up with a group of his friends who im acquainted with. At one stage shortly after arriving I heard the group discussing me 'Who invited her?' is what was said and one of the lads was really condescending towards me. Despite this they were mostly nice to me through out the night but I sensed they were just being polite, ive still got s sinking feeling in my stomach. Feeling disliked everywhere you go is a horrible feeling that ill never get used to.
My friend on the other hand is extremely likeable, loads of friends and because of this she's always got somebody who fall back on or help her out if she needs it. Nobody ever helps me with anything, if I meet up with friends they'll talk at length about themselves and whats going on with them, ill listen and genuinely be interested but the minute I try to talk about anything concerning me I see their eyes glaze over and they visibly show that theyre not interested. Ive even gotten eye rolls or they'll take out their phone when the convo switches to me.
I desperately wanted to travel before turning 30 but since finishing college I couldnt get a job, I managed to get volunteer roles to help my cv but couldnt get anything paid so being on social welfare long term meant I couldnt get work abroad due to lack of finances and paid employment experience.
My friends dad got her a job straight out of college, her friend then got her a job abroad and she got to extensively travel Europe.
My career goal was to become a secondary school teacher but since the HDip changed I cant afford it anymore, the course ranges from 11,000 - 15,000 euro depending on the University. Its out of my budget. My friends now doing this course, my dream course as her families helping her pay for it. Im really happy for her but as she's telling me all the details, her work experience, the opportunities it brings, how excited she is.. my heart sinks and I cant help feeling overwhelmingly disappointed. It brings me to tears. Why not me?.
I saved for 3 years for a different course, its not what I want but its cheaper and gives me an extra years experience, I really struggled to save for this and my parents watched me struggle never offering to help (fair enough I wouldnt expect it) but my brothers going to college now and didnt get the grant because he left it too late to apply, rather than defer the year my parents offered to fund him because "Its not fair to expect him to wait another year". Ive always been treated differently from my siblings and my self esteem is effected because of it.
I was on the bus the other day and went to fix my makeup, when I looked in the mirror I got such a fright. The deep lines under my eyes and around my mouth gave me such a shock. I just realised how much older im getting and looking. Life hasnt improved and im still pushing but getting nowhere while others live my dream life with little effort.

Sorry for the long post, I know I sound like a whinge bag but I had to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

HalloweenJack

I can understand your frustration at how things have turned out for you and even more so when you see the relative success your friend is having. However, I'd guess the root of the issue is your unhappiness with how your life has gone so far and you are projecting this onto someone you know who is more successful. This is an issue you need to work on as if you start "lashing out" at your friend because of her better situation, you may damage your friendship. It's hard to see friends succeed when you yourself are struggling but you can only focus on yourself. You're not going to get anywhere if you obsess about her. If anything, it'll just bring you down. Up until we finish school and college, us and our friends tend to experience life at the same speed. Once college is done with, people start living life in different ways with different experiences and at different paces which means that you and your friends are not always at the same place in life and this means that it isn't accurate to compare each other's lives.

You need to work on your own happiness. If you feel like your friends don't pay attention to you then I'd suggest getting new friends. I know it's easier said than done but what's the point in hanging around with people that make you feel unappreciated or uninteresting. Find an activity you enjoy and see if you can meet people through that. You seem to have a lot of focus on your career, it could be good to step back a bit and do something you enjoy as well while you are still studying and waiting for your career to begin.

As for your working life, you can only play the hand you're dealt. Unfortunately, you're not in a strong financial situation so you've had to scrimp and save to get to where you are. It's admirable and it's paid off as you will be doing (or are doing) a course that will hopefully help you find employment in the future. When it comes to this part of your life, you need to focus on your studies for now and worry about work when it's done with.

leggo

Yeah, anytime you feel stuff like this (which is natural, don't beat yourself up about it), it's textbook projection. It can be tough to face up to disappointment in how things have gone and take responsibility for it, but remember at the same time that it's all relative. I'll do an exercise with myself if I ever feel like I'm either being too egotistical or down on myself and compare myself to others, favourably or unfavourably depending on what is needed. If I'm feeling a bit above my station, as stupid as it sounds I'll look at the likes of homeless people and think of the survival skills that they have that I simply couldn't (I feel bad for myself if I get a paper cut or it's a bit cold in my room at night). Similarly, if I'm feeling low, I take a step back and have a look at what I have achieved, the circumstances I started out with and what I had to overcome to do so.

Take this moment of reflection and the fact that you had the guts to come on here and write about it in public as an opportunity to look at yourself, examine what you want in life and see the steps you need to take it. One exercise you can do is take a sheet of paper, write a goal you want to achieve at the top and where you are now at the bottom, then go from the top down connecting the things you need to achieve said goal step-by-step. It becomes a lot more achievable then.

Also, regarding your friends, I firmly believe there's nothing wrong with you and that you're just hanging around with people who aren't good for you. See this as an opportunity to take up new interests and meet people more like you. If people treat you and make you feel that way, you shouldn't be around them. They're not worth your time.

If it'd help, a bit of counselling is never a bad idea either to talk things through fully. I guarantee you're not in as bad a way as you're making out, but you feel that way so have stuff you need to talk through. Beating yourself up and blaming external things you can't control like luck isn't the solution and will only make things worse.

FriendFree93

OP when I start reading this is was like my brain had been hacked and you were writing my thoughts!
It's so frustrating when someone has it all so easy. I've been there. I am there. I really can't offer much advice except for you to know that these are normal feelings to feel hard done by and feel like someone else is getting what you deserve. It's natural and I'm sure everyone has felt like it at some stage it would be hard not to.

Paddy Cow

If you're long term on social welfare look into getting the BTEA and going back to university as a mature student. You might also get your fees paid by SUSI.

Tell me how

Hi OP,

I agree with what HalloweenJack and leggo said with respect to you projecting your problems on to the perception of what you think your friends life is.

Is she truly a friend, (not suggesting she is mistreating you) but if all you get is low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy by knowing her then maybe it's time to recognize that this relationship is not working for you. Is this person more of an acquaintance than a friend, if so, could you start to nurture friendships with new people which might be difficult for you as you said but would be worth it in the long run.

Also, unless you have had conversations with your friend where you told them the above, then you have no idea what exactly is going on in her life. It sounds cliche but we truly don't know what others are dealing with.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Hollister11

Use the envy and channel it into some ambition and drive for yourself.

There's no point being jealous, because your mate is living a life you want to live. It's up to you to decide how your life turns out. Prepare to put a lot of work into your job to succeed and get to where you want to go. If your not prepared to work hard, and you just moan online about how life is Vs a friend (job wise) you have no right to complain.