Dating Issue - Have I behaved badly?

Game_On

Hi everyone, long time reader of this forum and it has been very helpful to me in my journey of accepting and growing as a gay person :-). Now I'm actually posting for the first time with a dating issue – hope you can offer me some advice, if not for the below situation which has probably run its course, then at least for future reference!!

TL;DR: I went on two nice dates with a guy. He went on a two week holiday during which time I reflected and made the decision not to pursue things any further which I told him politely and sensitively when he was back and we were in touch again. He reacted very badly and accused me of leading him on.

Longer story: I matched on Tinder with a guy a few weeks ago. After very minimal chatting we decided to meet up. First date was nice. We chatted for a couple of hours, had a brief kiss at the end and agreed to meet again. I was away on holidays for a week so our second date was two weeks later with a few general text messages between the two dates. Again, the second date was nice with very good conversation and there was a lot of kissing and some touching as it progressed, but nothing further. He was then going on holidays for two weeks to visit his family whom he rarely sees and we left it that the intention was to meet up again after his return but with nothing set in stone. We texted for a couple of days after the second date and then things died down and he went away. To be honest, a few days after he had gone on his holiday I already felt I didn’t want to pursue things any further – he was a nice person and I had enjoyed the dates as I had truthfully told him, but on reflection I didn’t think it would go anywhere. As we were not really in touch anyway, I decided I would wait until his return before doing anything (unless he did contact me again in the meantime, which he didn’t). My thoughts were, we had only met twice anyway for a total of about 5 hours, and, personally, I would not like to receive a brush off message from someone while I was on holidays with my family and not in contact with him anyway.

So he arrived back yesterday and texted me to say that hoped all is well and has he hadn’t heard from me over his holiday, he assumes I am very busy and not that into him. I responded and said honestly I’d had a lovely time on our two dates but I didn’t see it going anywhere further and that I didn’t want to disturb his time with his family by saying this while he was away, good luck and all the best. His response really shocked me. He said I had been extremely hurtful, that he was “disgusted” for having allowed someone who had no feelings for him kiss and touch him, that I was “calculating and indecisive”, had led him on, that he felt he had been placed on standby, and that this was a harsh lesson for him regarding online dating and that he had thought that I was different. I wrote back immediately saying I had no intention of being anyway hurtful, that I didn’t do things with no feelings, but realistically there are only so many feelings you can have after having met someone twice, and that I honestly felt I hadn’t led him on at all, and again, sorry that I have upset him and all the best. He wrote back again reiterating most of what he’d said in the first message and saying that I was patronising. I haven’t replied as I don’t think there’s any point and the more I respond, I’m sure the more patronising it will sound. There’s nothing much more I can say anyway.

Just wanted to get your views on this if I handled this badly. Should I have told him a week earlier while he was away (and it would have been out of the blue, seeing as there was no communication at that time anyway) that I wasn’t feeling it? I’m certain I said nothing on our dates to make him legitimately think I was head over heels and thinking about the future or even any kind of exclusivity already. I am a very risk averse and cautious person and it would take me a lot longer than two dates to feel like this or communicate that!
I feel really terrible that I have made someone feel this bad and resentful towards me and have apparently miscommunicated so gravely. But when I look at the situation objectively I really can’t see that I have done something so wrong and that I owed someone I had met twice for a total of a few hours so much more! What do you think?

Many thanks!!
GO

SeantheMan

You told him the truth.
He seems to be the one with the problem.
Two dates is nothing really.
Life is short, you are young. You realised it wasn't gonna work early, good for you.
Move on, forget about it.

Game_On

SeantheMan wrote: »

You told him the truth.
He seems to be the one with the problem.
Life is short, you are young. You realised it wasn't gonna work early, good for you.
Move on, forget about it.

Thanks, you're right, life is short. I'm sure we'll both be over it in a couple of days :-)

lottpaul

The moral of the story is that none of your dates should go on holidays!!
But seriously, you have nothing to feel bad about. You were considerate in waiting until he came home, and truthful - you could have simply ignored him or led him on for a while longer. It was just 2 dates --- he may feel a bit "hurt" but thats really from his expectations, not something you can be responsible for.
SeantheMan is 100% right - life is very short and you made a decision before anyone could (reasonably) be upset. You've nothing to feel guilty about - get back out and enjoy life!

Ten of Swords

No, you have not behaved badly. You weren't interested in pursuing things with him and let him know in a reasonable manner. Do you honestly feel you did something wrong?

Sadly you run into people on apps who simply cannot handle rejection and act out in various ways. I used apps for *ahem* other purposes but the pitfalls are the same and some people don't like to be told you're not interested in them ad take it very personally. Seriously, some people really need to grow a thicker skin, if you're going to put yourself out there on apps you need to accept that some people won't be into you. Is this your first experience with guys on Tinder?

To be perfectly honest I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. His text when he got back from holiday is a bit of a red flag for me. Seemed a bit clingy, maybe I'm way off but it kind of jumped out at me.

Game_On wrote: »

he arrived back yesterday and texted me to say that hoped all is well and has he hadn’t heard from me over his holiday, he assumes I am very busy and not that into him.

Bottom line op is that you didn't mislead him, didn't miscommunicate at any stage as far as I can see and you let him down pretty gently. His overreaction is his own problem and you should not let it concern you. Just as well you didn't say it face to face!

wordofwarning

You did nothing wrong. He clearly has issues that he needs to resolve

IMO if you are sending 'sorry, I dont think this will work out between us'. Send just that text and don't reply. People will immediately try to send you texts to justify why you were everything that was wrong in the dates. Most HR people will tell you to avoid an exit interview in a job, as they only want to prove you quitting as only due to faults on your end

Game_On

Ten of Swords wrote: »

No, you have not behaved badly. You weren't interested in pursuing things with him and let him know in a reasonable manner. Do you honestly feel you did something wrong?

Sadly you run into people on apps who simply cannot handle rejection and act out in various ways. I used apps for *ahem* other purposes but the pitfalls are the same and some people don't like to be told you're not interested in them ad take it very personally. Seriously, some people really need to grow a thicker skin, if you're going to put yourself out there on apps you need to accept that some people won't be into you. Is this your first experience with guys on Tinder?

To be perfectly honest I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. His text when he got back from holiday is a bit of a red flag for me. Seemed a bit clingy, maybe I'm way off but it kind of jumped out at me.



Bottom line op is that you didn't mislead him, didn't miscommunicate at any stage as far as I can see and you let him down pretty gently. His overreaction is his own problem and you should not let it concern you. Just as well you didn't say it face to face!

Thanks Ten of Swords. No, I don't think I've done anything wrong, especially now that a couple of days have passed. It was just hard to view it objectively after being called so many unpleasant names :-)! I've used Tinder quite a bit over the past few years, but I've never had such a negative experience as this from anyone I ended up meeting in person. And you are right about the red flag. To be honest he had already said some things in the second date which made no sense to say to someone you barely know which I should have flagged myself (e.g., he suggested I come to the airport to see him off on his holiday. He corrected himself immediately and said that was too much so I just let it go, but really I should have already had red lights flashing then). Well, lesson learned for me: if someone seems irrationally overinvested that early on, then it's a terrible sign!! And yes, I'm extremely glad I didn't do it in person which I had originally considered!