Advice please

BettyBoo2011

Hi all,

Wondering if someone can help me. I am very unhappy in my marriage of 7 years - even though I did not want to end up separated I can't see an alternative anymore.

My husband and I behave like strangers or people who hate each other most of the time. All he does is criticise me or make me feel crap about myself, there is no enjoyment in each other's company and no physical attraction or relationship for a long time. It feels like a marriage of convenience because we don't want to be on own or have the stigma of a breakup. Parts of me wishes we could resolve things and it was different but honestly I think things are just way too far gone. There is no trust or respect anymore. Anytime I try to discuss even small things it ends up with him criticising me on everything from the past number of years. He is very sneaky and tries to record me and threatens to use things against me etc so I constantly feel like on edge anyways and there is no trust whatsoever.

There are no children which is good if we separate but also a factor in staying as I worry I'll have missed the boat to have kids age wise.

My mum is also terminally ill and I was trying to avoid making things tougher on myself right now but in many ways staying with him is making it harder as I'm upset and hurt over our relationship so much. He thinks he is supporting me but his actions are always the opposite and he only seems to care about his hobbies and own life. It feels like we are never working together or a unit.

From a house perspective he bought a house in Dublin for 400k in 2006. I moved in to the house and have been paying half mortgage since start 2008. He paid the deposit and furnished the house etc - prob about 60k. For the past 8 years I have paid exactly half mortgage and half of every house bill and cost... I earn a little bit more than my husband. The house went into negative equity in recession, down to about 220-240k at lowest and has only just broken even with the mortgage balance roughly. For the past 2 years we have had hundreds of arguments over me trying to get my name on mortgage and house deeds as his dad is listed on everything as went guarantor even though never contributed a penny and this is nearly completed now

My head is a mess......

Do I wait until after my mum passes and I'm over the worst of the grief to deal with this? I honestly don't know how I will cope as it is as have very little family and losing my mum will be horrendous. A lot of my life in Dublin has been built up around him as I am not from there and I scared to be on my own. I suppose I feel dependent on him for some things like he does help me with diff things sometimes and in my head having him does still provide some emotional support. He is not all bad, I just think we are not a good fit and maybe can't make each other happy. His family are also very mafiosa like when someone goes against them. They have sued people and made life very difficult for people in the past and I am worried about how nasty he and they would get if we broke up.

Regarding the house, do I have any rights to any money back or do I just have to see it as me paying rent for the period we were together and walk away? I earn ok money but a move to somewhere on my own in Dublin would triple my living expenses. I know the easiest thing would just be to walk away financially if we do separate but at same time I've paid 50k towards the mortgage with absolutely nothing to show for it and he would be left with everything and me starting from scratch?? Also about another 20k in house bills, repairs and upkeep etc. I know I would have been paying rent if I was living somewhere else and wouldn't want him to sell house, plus it is only worth about 300k now and even with mortgage balance so wouldn't provide a solution anyways. Just feels like I get screwed here...

Lastly, what is the quickest way to completely separate/divorce? I've been reading online but whole thing seems so complicated and across so many years....

Any help appreciated

Thank you

judeboy101

If its over, its over. Lawyer up, get advice about house and start over. You only have one life as should be evidenced from your poor mams situation so don't wait another second.

myshirt

Do you bear any fault here? Is there anything you have let him down on? Anything you could be doing better?

Throughout the whole post you keep talking in terms of your own needs. You keep talking about yourself. You need to stop that.
If you are going to get anywhere you need to make an effort to see the world through his eyes, and he needs to make an effort to see it through yours. A friend of mine was described by his wife recently as very distant in the last while, grumpy, not engaging. She thought he was having an affair, didn't love her, all of this type of thing. Text her friends. Discussed it over coffee. Everyone had a great chin wag. Really snowballed it. Turns out (when she confronted him) it was quite simple, he was just pissed off that he wasn't able to fix the lawnmower, it had being weighing on him, and he wasn't able to let it go, kept thinking what if i do this, what if i do that.

The point is it is not always about you. He might have a lot going on and need support. You also have a lot going on, so don't make any rash decisions at a very challenging time in life. Behind all the stresses and strains of life, I'm sure he loves you. Just cool the heels and breathe. Consider marriage counseling if available, and I am sorry to hear that your mother is ill.

BettyBoo2011

myshirt wrote: »

Do you bear any fault here? Is there anything you have let him down on? Anything you could be doing better?

Throughout the whole post you keep talking in terms of your own needs. You keep talking about yourself. You need to stop that.
If you are going to get anywhere you need to make an effort to see the world through his eyes, and he needs to make an effort to see it through yours. A friend of mine was described by his wife recently as very distant in the last while, grumpy, not engaging. She thought he was having an affair, didn't love her, all of this type of thing. Text her friends. Discussed it over coffee. Everyone had a great chin wag. Really snowballed it. Turns out (when she confronted him) it was quite simple, he was just pissed off that he wasn't able to fix the lawnmower, it had being weighing on him, and he wasn't able to let it go, kept thinking what if i do this, what if i do that.

The point is it is not always about you. He might have a lot going on and need support. You also have a lot going on, so don't make any rash decisions at a very challenging time in life. Behind all the stresses and strains of life, I'm sure he loves you. Just cool the heels and breathe. Consider marriage counseling if available, and I am sorry to hear that your mother is ill.

Thank you for your replies and wishes about my mum. I appreciate it. She is my only parent and I'm trying to cover a lot of her care while working and she is in diff part of country so it is a rough year. So many families go through it though and worse I know.




Oh absolutely, no one is perfect. And certainly in our relationship I have at times been at fault in arguments, maybe expected too much or not always listened to his point of view, and lately am totally disinterested and withdrawn from him.

However these problems have been going on for years and on many many occasions I have asked for us to talk to try to improve things. It's like pulling teeth getting him to have any form of conversation. He is a total techie and over the years if he has anything to talk about or say to me he sends a text or email. This is another major factors as I feel so lonely most of the time and never talk to him about any important stuff anymore as he is not interested or has head stuck in a screen.

The few times I persuaded him to take it seriously I always listened and would try to get us to a point where we both agreed things we could do to improve our approach to each other and a day later they would be gone out the window... so on top of being unhappy I constantly feel like I'm the only one even interested or trying to make any effort. He is an only son and child and was brought up in very spoilt circumstances with his mother in particularly idolising him and telling him he is perfect and always right about everything... that can be hard to live with.

I don't think it's fair to tell me to stop thinking about myself. At the end of the day I'm the one that posted asking for advice for myself because I have spent so long trying to no avail. I am trying not to just give up and walk away but things have been getting worse for years. He has said no way to marriage counselling as hates talking about feelings.

Xterminator

Hi Op

there is very little equity in the house according to you. did you say 60k ?

he paid deposit for the house (10% of 400k is 40k?) furnished it, and paid all payments until you moved in, and now its shared for 10-11 years.

how much of that equity do you think you deserve?

without knowing what you actually pay per month im going to guess its probably close to what renting would have cost you anyway? say you decide 10K of the equity is yours. (i'm taking the deposit from the build up equity and giving you 50% in this example and ignoring the fact he did mange all of the payments for a while)
I think he will take it hard if you chase that 10K

Is it worth the battle? thats for you to answer. Its a small sum, - if you know he has 10k in savings, perhaps it wouldn't kill him to pay you some amount. But if he has no savings, and has just emerged from being behind in mortgage payments, where would he get such a sum? Is it possible he would be forced to sell or remortgage, or go to mum to find money to pay you?

I certainly wouldn't tell you to stop thinking about yourself. your primary concern should be yourself, and your happiness. Splitting up will allow you to move on with your life. But can you conduct yourself in such a way it doesn't get too bitter?

Markcheese

Get a bit of legal advice... But if you can go through family mediation service do, it'll be quicker, easier and cheaper...
Decide what are red letter items for you.. If you feel you cánt let go of the house then so be it... If his dad is on the paper work you may only be entitled to a quarter share of the equity.. (I could be way off on that)..
. . Remember a solicitor may tell you what "you could get" if you're prepared to have years of conflict/drama and a fortune in legal fees...
. .