Stressed out

LegacyUser

I am a mess and I would appreciate any help or advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I give all my energy to the relationship, probably to an unhealthy degree, but I've always been like that sort of clinging to one person. Anyway I used to be a calm person and my boyfriend is quite stressed all the time. He smokes pot everyday all through the day. To be honest nobody would notice and it doesn't appear to affect him at all. I notice though whenever he runs out, he is so stressed and angry and we literally will fight (huge fights) every single time he has no pot. He told me I am so hard to live with and very annoying. However when he is smoking ( everyday usually) he is so happy with me and we never fight. I know I am in fact quite annoying but he's so patient with me when he's smoking. We seem to just fight all the time when he's not and the way I feel at that time is so horrible. I have never felt so stressed in my life as when i feel at those times. It's hard to describe but i feel panicky and stressed that he snaps at me, says rude things and isn't friendly to me. I then get this overwhelming feeling of stress and just want to explode. He doesn't understand or listen to me at these times when I try to explain how he isn't being nice like usual and then he gets aggressive and we fight. There's never any solution because neither of us listen to the other. But what worries me is the stress. It's such a horrible feeling and I only ever feel it when he's not being nice to me. It's like I can't deal with the intensity of the emotion and I don't know what to do with it. It just increases and increases the more we argue. How can I make our lives easier? Do I need to work on not being so annoying so arguments don't start when the pot runs out or do I continue and try to not react so much to the emotion, like when i feel it coming, try to stay calm. Maybe the biggest issue is that I'm annoying the man and need to make myself easier to live with.

Neyite

The issue here is that he needs pot to be a pleasant human being. Unless he's baked, he's an asshole.

For balance, I think that you are a bit OTT too but I wonder how much of that stress and anxiety stems from worrying if there's enough drugs in the house to keep him from fighting with you. It's no way to live. A relationship should enrich and enhance your life. Not be the major source of unhappiness and conflict.

It's a toxic relationship and this is not one you can fix. You can't change him. You can't change how he is on or off the pot. All you can do is leave, work on your stress and anxiety and in time find someone that brings fun and kindness and joy to your relationship.

ellie1

He is getting pissed off when he has no weed taking it out on you, you are reacting to this and then internalising it all (maybe cos your a bit clingy or insecure) and taking the blame for it.

You need to go and build up your self esteem so you are well able to handle this ****e and he needs to stop smoking weed as he is dependant on it!

LegacyUser

What a powerful emotion wrote: »

Maybe the biggest issue is that I'm annoying the man and need to make myself easier to live with.

This a common reaction from abuse victims and make no mistake, that's what you are. It doesn't matter if it's occasional or in specific circumstances, or isn't yet physical, or anything like that, you're still a victim of abuse. I'd urge you not to go down the road of blaming yourself or accepting responsibility for his abusive behaviour, you are not to blame and he has a behavioural problem that needs to be addressed.

Also, no matter how many people view it as a soft drug or socially acceptable or anything like that, he's addicted to his drug of choice. It's irrelevant whether it's chemical or psychological dependency, or whether it's drugs, alcohol, playstation, or anything else, if his behaviour is altered and desperate when it's withdrawn, he's an addict. That's something else that's not your fault and he needs to address. You can choose whether or not to help him and/or stay with him, but that dependency needs to be addressed or there will be no happiness in this relationship for you as you continue to walk on eggshells between episodes.

TresGats

Hi OP- he's a link to the Irish "Drug Directory"- which gives options - family support, counselling etc by area.
http://www.services.drugs.ie/?gclid=CjwKEAjwi97NBRD1zZSdkr2-4isSJAD11VlgQlUXnHbfMojBsjXWwugJAgwhrnhzDqSZSgbE4xipKxoCawDw_wcB
Narconon was thought up by L. Ron Hubbard and the Scientology crew.
Good luck.

johnnyskeleton

What a powerful emotion wrote: »

we literally will fight (huge fights) every single time he has no pot. He told me I am so hard to live with and very annoying.

It's hard to describe but i feel panicky and stressed that he snaps at me, says rude things and isn't friendly to me. I then get this overwhelming feeling of stress and just want to explode. He doesn't understand or listen to me at these times when I try to explain how he isn't being nice like usual and then he gets aggressive and we fight. There's never any solution because neither of us listen to the other.

It sounds like you two are a bad match. If you fight whenever he is sober and he isnt nice to you and neither of you listen to each other, you should consider breaking up.

Neyite

TresGats wrote: »

Hi OP- he's a link to the Irish "Drug Directory"- which gives options - family support, counselling etc by area.
http://www.services.drugs.ie/?gclid=CjwKEAjwi97NBRD1zZSdkr2-4isSJAD11VlgQlUXnHbfMojBsjXWwugJAgwhrnhzDqSZSgbE4xipKxoCawDw_wcB
Narconon was thought up by L. Ron Hubbard and the Scientology crew.
Good luck.

Ta very much for that I had no idea it was those loopers.

Rubberchikken

to be honest, it sounds like you would be better off away from him.
anyone who needs to smoke pot to be a half decent human being is not worth knowing imho.

the fact that he blames you when he's feeling 'unhappy' and the fact that you are stressed by his behaviour shouts 'let him go and begin your own life without this guy'.

good luck with whatever you decide.

Neon_Lights

Get him to treat you to a couples massage instead of treating himself to a fifty bag

Emme

OP your boyfriend is pretty much addicted to pot. He isn't a reasonable human being when he isn't stoned. Like many addicts, he blames you for how bad he feels when he isn't stoned.

You say you used to be a calm person. Were you a calm person before you met your boyfriend? If so you might be better off without him. Why are you putting so much energy into a relationship with an addict who blames you for his withdrawal symptoms?

No matter what you do you cannot change him or how he reacts to you. Only he can help himself. You help yourself as well, get away from this addict.

Big Bag of Chips

So, the only way you two can have a "normal" loving relationship is if he has a continuous supply of pot?

Seriously?

How's that going to work out for you long term? As in, for the next 20-30 years? What about building a future together? Building a family together, maybe? Building a home, and a life together? Can all that only happen if his supply is constant? I'd question if any of that can happen if his whole life revolves around either smoking, or needing to smoke.

I'm not sure about you, but it's certainly not the life I'd be planning on settling for.

Edit: and don't be so certain that others don't notice. People notice an awful lot more than we like to pretend they do. But they usually keep their noses out until we finally admit out loud to what is going on.

shesty

OP you aren't the problem here.Your boyfriend is.He's addicted to pot.

He doesn't have pot, then he can't cope because he's addicted to it.It wouldn't make a difference if it was you, his parents, his best friend, a cat or dog nearby.....he would snap at them too.He is an addict.

As to where you go with that, it's up to yourself.If you think it could be sorted out, that he's worth the effort of trying to help him sort that out, then I'm sure you could try.Otherwise I'd suggest you start thinking about how this is going to work out longterm.

chicorytip

If he spends all day everyday smoking pot presumably he has no form of gainful employment with which to better occupy himself. So who is funding his addiction? Are you? This is an unhealthy situation you find yourself in and you need to think about your long term future and whether or not being in this kind of relationship will put your overall mental and physical wellbeing in jeopardy.