Saving a relationship.

GTSilvano

I'll try to keep it short.
We've been dating since April 2016.
The first year was perfect, pure love sentiment from both of us. Common interests, we even considered each other friends as in the definition of friend. So for each other, we were not only lovers but great friends. We are very similar, have lots of similar interests, humor, taste, etc. Everybody sees us as a perfect couple.
After the first year, and to be precise close to the end of the first year of relationship she wanted to get married badly.
I assured her it will come(the proposal), but be a bit patient as I need to be 100% prepared and have the feel when to do it.
In July 2017, she states that her desire to get married burnt out. And as the days passed, her feelings for me started to fade away.
She stated that the burnout happened because she got disappointed in the relationship/me for not proposing sooner.
She is quite stubborn and categorical, especially when she gets disappointed in a friendship, person, relationship.
She really tried to find a way to get her feelings back, to not be disappointed, but the fade away of her feelings is just getting bigger. Due to the burnout she doesn't even want a proposal.
She wanted to take a break in order to see if she will miss me or not to see if she can continue in this relationship.(Late August)
Today 9/11 is my birthday. A break from the break.
She calls me, says happy birthday and I ask her if she missed me. She said: I do not want to answer and hurt you, it's your Bday.
We all know what this means: She did not miss me.
In the evening I pushed her for an answer and she did say that NO, she did not miss me at all.
I tried to talk, to negotiate ways to get rid of her disappointment in the relationship as I love her as in the first year, she is the love of my life, I see my life only around her. All to no avail.
I am desperate. Maybe you guys can tell me how can I fight for my relationship?
How can I reignite her feelings and remove most importantly the disappointment?

rainbowtrout

So she asked for a break about three weeks ago, and told you when you pushed for an answer that she doesn't miss you. Then there is no relationship. I don't think you can save this one.

Ave Sodalis

GTSilvano wrote: »

How can I reignite her feelings and remove most importantly the disappointment?

She wanted to get married after a year, and her feelings faded away after days because she didn't get her proposal?! OP, that is not normal.

It is perfectly fine to want to make sure everything is prepared before getting engaged. A year is a very short space of time to get to know someone. Someone you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Yet your girlfriend lost interest after a few days because she didn't get a proposal. They are MAJOR warning signs. I'm sorry to be absolutely blunt but there is no hope she's going to last an entire marriage if after 2 months she loses interest in getting married (after insisting in the first place) and then loses feelings in days (!!!). She sounds like a spoilt brat who's throwing a tantrum because you didn't give into her entirely unreasonable demands.

To answer your question OP... the way to keep her is to become a complete lapdog, promise and deliver everything under the sun, and let her completely control your life.
However, if it was me, I would be praising whatever higher power (or lack of) you believe in that I was offered a lucky escape, and I would be running for the hills.

dev100

<SNIP> no need to quote entire OP

Burnout from what ? Sounds like she s trying to grind you down so you will pop the question ....Have you even gone on holidays with her or even living together . I'd be long gone if I was getting demands for marriage barely a year into a relationship. Imagine years down the line and she s not happy with something else and there's kids involved mortgage etc. I'd be giving her the P45 .I'd be delighted id get away lightly

Jim Bob Scratcher

Run OP, and count yourself lucky.

Airyfairy12

She's playing head games. She knows she's upsetting you and is clearly enjoying the ego boost she's getting from this. 'I dont want to upset you on your birthday' .. she's playing you for an absolute fool.

As for pressuring you into proposing to her, thats not something you can force anyone into, its a big life decision not to mention the money it involves, you need to be sure yourself that its a step you want to take without feeling manipulated into it especially after only one and a half year of a relationship, it sounds like youre coming out of the honeymoon stage and now the cracks are beginning to show, youre seeing a nastier side to her.
If she loved and respected you she wouldnt try to manipulate you or push you into anything youre not ready for and if she's serious about spending her life with you what difference does it make if you get engaged now or in 2 or 3 years? It seems like she's more concerned with getting married than actually building a healthy relationship.

Wibbs

Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »

Run OP, and count yourself lucky.

This. I'm usually suspicious of people who "fall in love" quickly as I have found they can fall out of love just as quickly. Often they're the type of person addicted to the feelings in the moment, the drama. I suspect your ex is one such person. Going from zero to marriage in a year while still in the honeymoon period is a bit fast.

As Ave said;

Ave Sodalis wrote:

She wanted to get married after a year, and her feelings faded away after days because she didn't get her proposal?! OP, that is not normal.

It isn't normal. The whole marriage proposal is more drama. As is the taking a break. Though usually taking a break means "we've broken up, this way we(more like I) can get used to it and avoid unpleasantness if I just come out and say it's over". She's getting a high from your pursuit of her now too. Though this type nearly always has a backup, so don't be too surprised to find she's lined up someone else to supply her emotional drama.

I'd disagree with Ave in one respect though. If you did want to get her back, acting like the doormat wouldn't be the best way to do it IMHO. Go the opposite direction. Completely ignore her. If she contacts you, agree with her that it's not working and wish her well. End. Get back out into your social life, work, study whatever. Start going out on dates again. Very few people, especially men do this. People being dumped usually get into the whole pleading and bargaining thing and suffer a meltdown, which nearly always just confirms for the dumper they made the right decision.

Though IMHO you really don't want this level of drama wrapped in human skin. Your life down the line if you were together would be almost guaranteed to be stressful. Life is too short.

LegacyUser

Op do not for one second blame yourself. This is coming from a woman here, she was trying to bully/push you into proposing to her when you weren't ready. Nope. That is disrespectful to the highest degree and if she's like that now, imagine what she would be like in years to come if you did get married?? Absolutely disgraceful behaviour and it's women like her that give the rest of us a bad name.

The fact that she's now being quite mean insinuating that she doesn't miss you? Let her off so. If you stay on that string she's dangling you on, you're going to be miserable and do damage to your mental health. It is going to hurt but you must separate yourself from her. She's not a good one.

Neyite

She's playing games with you. She's doing this so that you will do exactly what you are doing - looking at everything you can to pander to her. She wants you to go get a ring, and likely do a big proposal somewhere fancy and have a wedding.

Real adults don't play games with other adults emotions.

So, say you do that. Say you propose tomorrow to her and you are all loved up and whatever until about Christmas. What happens when she wants X for the wedding that costs more money than you think is wise? You'll get the ring flung back in your face is what will happen. And it will only go back on her finger when you've backed down.

This is how she communicates with you. She is showing you how life with her - how marriage with her - will operate. She will get her way, hell or high water. Your feelings, wants and needs are secondary to that and always will be, if even that. Every agreement you make as a couple - where to live, family planning, how you distribute your income, will be made by you both fighting and her threatening to leave and switching off her emotions. Why? Because you've shown her what works. She is telling you who she is...listen.

LegacyUser

Ah here you might know or think you want to marry someone after a year but sometime in the future not ring on the finger! Let me guess turning 30, friends getting married off? She purposely tried to upset you on your birthday, that's not love. Yet didn't say the words so she can't be accused of doing so. Cut all contact and forget about her, plenty more sane fish in the sea. Head-wrecker!

Xterminator

Hi OP

it sounds a little like your girlfriend was in love with the idea of a boyfriend who would sweep in and marry her all in the timeframe she had in her head. As opposed to you, a person with good points and (presumably) flaws, who doesn't just exist to make her happy.

If im right then you can jump back in with a ring, and that should get your 'relationship' back on track. That's how you can save it.

The question is should you do so? Will she make you happy? What is the long term future of an unequal relationship?

leggo

How can you get her back? Probably propose. She seems addicted to the drama and highs and lows of things, so the most dramatic thing you can do is to sweep in with a dramatic proposal and she'll get swept up in that drama, then probably drop you again to spice things up when the relationship becomes normal and boring (which well-adjusted people refer to as 'happy').

What should you do? Run away. This person is a crazy of the highest order. Your life with her will be a series of highs and lows because that's what she needs to be happy. She doesn't actually care about you at all, she's a narcissist willing to toy with your emotions for her amusement. I know it's tough to come to terms with, but these people can be quite convincing when they're at work, so don't feel foolish. Just trust everyone here for now (mad how not one person is taking her side isn't it?) and, in time, you'll see it for yourself and be so thankful you took this person up on the offer of a break.

What do I think you'll do? I dunno OP, your post seems quite dramatic in itself, so either she's really attractive (or you're a bit inexperienced) and you're blown away by her and becoming another person just to please her, or you're just as bad for the drama so will jump through the hoops because you secretly like it too. But you've got good advice here either way if it's a happy, peaceful life you seek.

robindch

GTSilvano wrote: »

She stated that the burnout happened because she got disappointed in the relationship/me for not proposing sooner.

Sorry to say this, but it seems to me that she's more interested in what marriage offers as a token than what you offer as a human. That's emotional game-playing which some people seem to do for the hell of it.

If I were you, I'd be upset, but can't imagine that - before long - I'd be thanking my lucky stars I avoided a bullet.

There are hills. Run for them.

MissShihTzu

OP - Your girlfriend seems in an awful hurry to marry after one year. Mind you, people can and do get engaged after one year. My husband and I did! We got engaged after a year, and married the year after that. We've now been married 9 years.

Having said that - Is there a possibility she has simply fallen out of love? What she said to you on your birthday was unnecessary. It was pretty cruel and nasty TBH.

May I ask? Is she Irish/EU?

Big Bag of Chips

Life gets an awful lot tougher and more complicated as you get older, have a family, have bills, responsibilities, commitments. If her way of dealing with not getting what she wants immediately is to "fall out of love" with you, then you'd have a very very rocky relationship ahead of you. How would that work with children? Would she want a "break" from your marriage every so often? Would she leave? Would you? Would she bring the kids? Leave them behind?

You can't make someone fall back in love with you, but if she could fall out of love with you do quickly, I'd wonder how in love with you she ever was to begin with.

She sounds incredibly immature, almost like a teenager. You wouldn't surprise me if you told me she was 15. Walk away now. You make the choice, don't wait for her to decide. You did nothing wrong and she has you begging and pleading and promising all sorts. Walk away. That is not how a mature and respectful relationship should be. There is someone out there who won't bring all this drama and uncertainty to your life. Said good bye to this one, block her so she can't get back in touch when she senses you not dancing to her tune anymore, and go find a normal girl. There's loads of them around.