I found out my ex was with another guy....

ChelseaDub

Ok so I'm looking for a bit of advice because I don't know whether I'm being crazy or do I have a valid reason for feeling this way.

About 6 months ago, myself and my ex split up after 4 years together. We've continued to still hook up casually with a few small arguments in between, however we always come back to each other after 2-3 weeks.

At the start of our relationship four years ago both of us were pretty new to being gay in terms of dating guys and sex.

During the relationship for the first few months he was always the bottom (for you straight people; guy that takes it) in the relationship. As the relationship grew so did my trust in him and he eventually convinced me bottom for him the odd time as well. For me, doing this requires a huge amount of trust and I know there is no way I could trust anyone to do this unless I trusted them without reserve.

When we split up, we knew that each other were eventually going to have sex with other guys, I just asked that if we were to continue to hook up casually, he would not let another guy **** him, but he could **** other guys if he wanted.

This weekend gone, we hooked up as we usually did and we've been very honest about whether we've been with other guys since we've split up. He told me that a week or so ago he ****ed another guy and then let this guy return the favour and **** him.

For me, this news was devastating, as I always considered this part of sex life to be something completely special about the two of us. I explained to him how upsetting this was and he told me it's no big deal and that sex is sex and I should just get over it and he wasn't going to feel guilty because of me.

Even now, I'm still pretty depressed about the situation and I'm wondering is it wrong for me to feel this way about what he did? And do I have the complete wrong mentality when it comes to being ****ed by another guy? Is it not the big deal of trust that I have it in my head.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Ten of Swords

ChelseaDub wrote: »

I should just get over it and he wasn't going to feel guilty because of me.

As much as it may pain you he is right. You are not a couple anymore so you can't make that kind of demand of him. Did he make any requests of you as a condition of your continued hookups?

Look, you split with him 6 months ago and you say he's been honest. 6 months is long enough, he really had no obligation to deny himself bottoming for anyone this long. Also, it seems like you have some hang ups about bottoming, this obviously does not bother him in the way it affects you so he is also correct when he says to him it's no big deal and sex is just sex.

I can see this has upset you but if you make a huge issue out of this he may decide that hooking up with you is more trouble than its worth.

Manion

I think you need to be honest about the nature of the relationship you have. You're in an open relationship. You need to look after your own sexual health and not expect others to do so.

ChelseaDub

Manion wrote: »

I think you need to be honest about the nature of the relationship you have. You're in an open relationship. You need to look after your own sexual health and not expect others to do so.

No we're not in an open relationship. We just hook up with each other, there was no other commitment other than I asked about him not bottoming.

We tell each other that we have slept with other people because we're trying to protect our own and each other's sexual health.

Manion

ChelseaDub wrote: »

No we're not in an open relationship. We just hook up with each other, there was no other commitment other than I asked about him not bottoming.

We tell each other that we have slept with other people because we're trying to protect our own and each other's sexual health.

OK so why would your thrust what he told you anymore than you would a randomer? This is not how you protect your own health. If you're not even in any form of relationship with him then why would you put any aspect of your health in his hands ?

ChelseaDub

Manion wrote: »

OK so why would your thrust what he told you anymore than you would a randomer? This is not how you protect your own health. If you're not even in any form of relationship with him then why would you put any aspect of your health in his hands ?

Just because we're not in a relationship, it doesn't mean the trust and respect that we built over the past four years disappeared overnight.

The fact he told me what he done is testament to that fact but it allows me to make an informed decision of whether or not I still want to continue with him knowing this.

Getting to the real point though my issue remains is that should I be really depressed about what he did? Am I wrong in feeling that bottoming for another guy is something that I should hold in high regard personally. He knew that I felt that way and now I feel betrayed that he doesn't hold it in the same regard for himself?

Ten of Swords

ChelseaDub wrote: »

Am I wrong in feeling that bottoming for another guy is something that I should hold in high regard personally.

No, I get why you are feeling bad but you need to recognize that this is just your opinion, one not shared by many others including your ex. He evidently does not treat bottoming in such high regard and you need to respect that his opinion on this is different to yours.

ChelseaDub wrote: »

He knew that I felt that way and now I feel betrayed that he doesn't hold it in the same regard for himself?

Then you feel betrayed, simple as. You're not together anymore and although you may still hookup and be friendly/civil to each other his sex life is his own and he is not required to tell you anything about it. The fact that he does talk to you about it with honesty is down to him obviously respecting you enough to do so but if you hear something you don't like that's not his fault is it?

ChelseaDub

Ten of Swords wrote: »

As much as it may pain you he is right. You are not a couple anymore so you can't make that kind of demand of him. Did he make any requests of you as a condition of your continued hookups?

Look, you split with him 6 months ago and you say he's been honest. 6 months is long enough, he really had no obligation to deny himself bottoming for anyone this long. Also, it seems like you have some hang ups about bottoming, this obviously does not bother him in the way it affects you so he is also correct when he says to him it's no big deal and sex is just sex.

I can see this has upset you but if you make a huge issue out of this he may decide that hooking up with you is more trouble than its worth.

Yes he did, he asked that while we were hooking up I should be honest with him about whether I had slept with anyone else and he would do the same. In return I said I would be honest with him and told him I'd only hook up with him on the condition that the whole bottoming thing was kept between us two which he was fine with.

Does it make any difference when I say that he let me believe how I felt about bottoming was the same way about he does?

Which is why it's such a shock/surprise. Up until this very point I was led to believe that he wouldn't bottom with another guy unless it was in the same context as our previous relationship i.e. that mutual respect and trust in our relationship was there with whoever he decided to do it next with.

It was the main reason we were casually hooking up. We were giving each other something we couldn't get off any other guy.

The fact that he bottomed with another guy without much of a thought makes me feel that all the times I bottomed for him meant little to nothing. That trust and respect and love and whatever he claimed he had for was just a physical act for him, a convenient lie to get what needed up until this point over the past four years.

If he had came and said to me something like you know what, I've started to see this guy and I have bottomed for him a few times I would have completely 100% understood, because it would make sense he would bottom for guy who he's starting to fall in love for and trusts.

Im probably not explaining myself as well as I should be but i didn't come up with this whole ideology of bottoming by myself. I was only 18 when I started out with him and it's all I know now.

And that's why I'm asking these questions. I'm starting to think that I shouldn't think of bottoming as a big deal anymore and it was stupid of myself to let him convince me I should let him do it to me because he loved me and he let me do it to him because I loved him.

Heebie

If he's just a ****buddy, and not your boyfriend, you have no control over what he does. (You really didn't when you were dating either, but now you have no legitimate reason to expect him not to get it from other guys.)
Even when you were more than "friends with benefits" he could have been doing the same and just not telling you.
At least he told you.
Enjoy the friendship and the sex, don't let any jealousy get in the way.. He's not "yours"

lottpaul

Many above have given you very good advice. I understand that you are still missing the relationship you had with him and reading/interpreting things in the context of that relationship - but that isn't fair on him or on you. The relationship is sadly over and he is free to pursue his own life and romances. He has been very honest with you -- he could just have lied - and you probably have come to a time when a choice has to be made. Either you continue to hook up as 2 individuals who take responsibility for each others sexual health etc - or perhaps end the physical aspect of your friendship.

I'm not sure if it's appropriate to mention, but you seem to have placed great signifance on the bottoming aspect of your sex life. That was obviously very important to you and you're perfectly entitled to treat it as a very special part of an intimate personal relationship. The thing is though that not everyone sees it like that- including now possibly your ex -- and thats his right too. (Many people never bottom or never want to). The most important part is really the love and trust that a relationship holds -- how you physically express it is a very individual and personal matter.

"And that's why I'm asking these questions. I'm starting to think that I shouldn't think of bottoming as a big deal anymore and it was stupid of myself to let him convince me I should let him do it to me because he loved me and he let me do it to him because I loved him."

That sums it up really. He was your first real love and of course it hurts. Life hurts us all at times, but would you rather never have met him? He sounds like a nice guy and a good friend. It would be a pity to lose him completely.

imme

Title is misleading OP
You said you could both be other guys as your 'on/off' thing went on
Then you say you feel upset because a guy ****ed him
But it was ok for a guy to **** him

And he told you all this
He wasn't hiding anything from you

breatheme

The facts are these...
- You broke up, hence you're not together anymore.
- He's free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.
- He did, and he told you.
Now, you said this:
"I just asked that if we were to continue to hook up casually, he would not let another guy **** him, but he could **** other guys if he wanted."
Picture this scenario:
Guy 1: Hey, do you want to bottom for me this time around?
Guy 2: No, sorry dude, I can't! my ex-boyfriend asked me to only let him top me.
Guy 1: ...
It was wrong of you to ask that in the first place. And while bottoming might be a big deal for you, some people just like bottoming. So maybe all this trust you had to place on your ex to bottom for him is something he (and the average gay guy who bottoms for fun) doesn't need.
Case in point:
"Getting to the real point though my issue remains is that should I be really depressed about what he did? Am I wrong in feeling that bottoming for another guy is something that I should hold in high regard personally. He knew that I felt that way and now I feel betrayed that he doesn't hold it in the same regard for himself?"
Maybe he just likes bottoming for fun? Or, maybe he has actually built that trust with that other guy, and now you're jealous?
My advice is... stop hooking up with your ex. Take it or leave it.

breatheme

breatheme wrote: »

It was wrong of you to ask that in the first place.

No - it was not. In any relationship with another person it is always ok to _ask_. There is nothing wrong with asking - and no one should ever feel bad for asking.

Expecting it - demanding it - that is wrong. Merely asking is not.

breatheme wrote: »

My advice is... stop hooking up with your ex. Take it or leave it.

This is better advice. The OP very clearly said "I just asked that if we were to continue to hook up casually, he would not let another guy **** him"

He laid out the conditions of the NSA sex - the other person agreed to them and kept to those conditions for a time - now he has not.

Therefore by the OPs conditions the NSA relationship is over. Both of them now can - and probably should - move on.

Neither of them has done wrong. They laid out a verbal contract - kept to it - and now should probably continue to keep to it by observing the termination clause included in it.

There was nothing wrong with the conditions as laid out - but neither of them should have been under the illusion it was going to last forever.

ChelseaDub

breatheme wrote: »

The facts are these...
- You broke up, hence you're not together anymore.
- He's free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.
- He did, and he told you.
Now, you said this:
"I just asked that if we were to continue to hook up casually, he would not let another guy **** him, but he could **** other guys if he wanted."
Picture this scenario:
Guy 1: Hey, do you want to bottom for me this time around?
Guy 2: No, sorry dude, I can't! my ex-boyfriend asked me to only let him top me.
Guy 1: ...
It was wrong of you to ask that in the first place. And while bottoming might be a big deal for you, some people just like bottoming. So maybe all this trust you had to place on your ex to bottom for him is something he (and the average gay guy who bottoms for fun) doesn't need.
Case in point:
"Getting to the real point though my issue remains is that should I be really depressed about what he did? Am I wrong in feeling that bottoming for another guy is something that I should hold in high regard personally. He knew that I felt that way and now I feel betrayed that he doesn't hold it in the same regard for himself?"
Maybe he just likes bottoming for fun? Or, maybe he has actually built that trust with that other guy, and now you're jealous?
My advice is... stop hooking up with your ex. Take it or leave it.

Yeah no I have stopped it now, I can't back after what has happened.

I just feel like I need to point out again about the trust part. It was him that taught me to be like that. That bottoming mentality comes from him. Clearly he has changed his mind but I don't think I'm wrongly for feeling this way when he led me to believe that bottoming was this big trust thing. FYI it was random hook up he said. Spur of the moment thing

baby and crumble

People's opinions and beliefs change, OP. That's life. Obviously his opinions changed, independently of you.

It happens, and when it does, you have to decide where your line in the sand is. If it's bothering you, then it's obviously your line. He's not your boyfriend so while you're hurt that he didn't inform you of his changed opinion, what likely happened was that he was out, hooked up, and decided that since you aren't in a relationship, his desire to bottom won out over his previous agreement with you.

By all means be upset about it- no-one can tell you to turn off your emotions- but realistically you have no hold over him.

Mr.Frame

OP I think you need this,,,,,,, *BIG HUG*

Hope things work out for you in every way.

mikel97

Hi OP
I would just move on really. Im 19 and had a bf for well long enough and he decided to share me with a girl. Hes 26 but age is a number. Obviously I wasnt enough but hell did I kick his ass........ Now 1 month later he seems to bump into me but at a distance in pubs and it ruined my head until I dont check in on FB and I now feel so much better coz the fool has zero ideas where i go now. In short words Fook Him!
Go out get over him have fun move on. Ciao X

JupiterKid

I think you just need to accept your ex's decision and move on OP. It sounds like there is still a deep attachment to your ex from you that is lingering. And that's not necessarily a bad thing - my ex and I are best friends and he's helped me through some very difficult years. But our sex and personal lives are our own. Just as yours should be and your exes.

You need to let go.

ChelseaDub

JupiterKid wrote: »

I think you just need to accept your ex's decision and move on OP. It sounds like there is still a deep attachment to your ex from you that is lingering. And that's not necessarily a bad thing - my ex and I are best friends and he's helped me through some very difficult years. But our sex and personal lives are our own. Just as yours should be and your exes.

You need to let go.

Don't worry, I have let go. I've had a week now to mull it over and I'm done with it.

I mean I wouldn't say deep attachment, obviously I still care about him, how could I not after being together so long.

When I thought about it I realised it wasn't what him going off him being with another guy that bothered me, it was the fact the particular choice he made while with that guy kind of diminished what I once considered happy memories and special moments between the two of us.

Anyway, people are right, I need to move on for my own sake, and that's what I'm trying to do.

jobbridge4life

Chelsea, I am glad that you appear to be able to appreciate what others have pointed out to you on this thread. I do hope that the process hasn't deterred others from just venting here though, because I feel like there was a little less understanding towards you than is normally the case in this forum. Sometimes we feel things or believes things that objectively don't make sense but that doesn't mean that the feelings we have aren't real or don't impact us just the same.

Chelsea, on the substantive issue, you clearly feel an incredible amount for this man. You were together for four years, that is an enormous amount of time in relationship terms. I know plenty of people who consider themselves to have had very serious, impactful relationships that have never seen the same person for more than a year and a bit, I don't think I am alone in the gay or straight world in that either. So four years is a very long time.

Being honest it seems the relationship ended but you didn't really believe it fully had, and having relations with your ex certainly hasn't helped that perception. Your ex has moved on, and it seems that you are now left dealing with a lot of emotion that you put off by continuing the sexual encounters and by putting in place conditions on the exercise of sexuality on your ex. You have to deal with them, feel them in all their crappiness now unfortunately.

You will be okay, you will have happier days, you will maybe one day be able to socialise with your ex has his current beau, with your own current beau. Don't lose that knowledge as you process the painful end of your relationship.