Awkwardness with co-worker

The Young Wan

Yes. I realise what happened is entirely my fault and I'll probably just have to lay in the bed I made. But anything you can offer, I'd appreciate it.

A few months ago, I drunkenly told a co worker I was interested in him, and he did not return the feelings. While i initially did feel awkward about it, I figured to just put it past me and move on and be friends with the guy. He knows now that I am no longer interested in him.

But I feel now like he thinks he can't talk to me at all. That I will just think of it as "Oh my god we're talking I bet we'll end up sleeping together tonight" when really, I just want to be friends with the guy so that he can talk to me like he does the others in our friend group.

Is there any way I can/should approach this with him?

Tokyo

From what you write, there seems to be a lot of "what if's from your side, so being honest, unless there are some outward signs that this actually is the case, it sounds like you are overthinking the situation.

It was a one off drunken conversation months ago, and nothing came from it. Bringing it up in conversation again may only serve to reinforce what you are already afraid he's thinking. You can't control how other people treat you - all you can do is control how you treat them. So do as you say, and treat him as you do the other friends in your group. If he reciprocates, great. If he doesn't, then that's his decision.

marcus001

If he started showing interest in you would you change your mind again?

The Young Wan

marcus001 wrote: »

If he started showing interest in you would you change your mind again?

As in would I want to get with him? No. I wouldn't.

Dr Crayfish

A co worker tried to kiss me, twice, at our Xmas party last year. I dodged her (literally) from then on. I still talk to her now on a professional level and am friendly but tbh I wouldn't want to be out drinking with her or doing anything social. I never gave any indication that there as something between us and she tried it on. It's just awkward and I don't really care if I hang out with her any more. Maybe he feels the same.

retro:electro

Sorry op but there is nothing you can do if he has decided he'd like to keep a healthy distance between you two. Opening up the conversation wouldn't improve things at all, in fact it sounds like it would make things more awkward. As time passes he may get more comfortable with you but it sounds like he's doing the right thing, imo.

Maggiemay13

The Young Wan wrote: »

Yes. I realise what happened is entirely my fault and I'll probably just have to lay in the bed I made. But anything you can offer, I'd appreciate it.

A few months ago, I drunkenly told a co worker I was interested in him, and he did not return the feelings. While i initially did feel awkward about it, I figured to just put it past me and move on and be friends with the guy. He knows now that I am no longer interested in him.

But I feel now like he thinks he can't talk to me at all. That I will just think of it as "Oh my god we're talking I bet we'll end up sleeping together tonight" when really, I just want to be friends with the guy so that he can talk to me like he does the others in our friend group.

Is there any way I can/should approach this with him?

Hey OP. I think you are definitely overthinking things here. At the end of the day, he is a work colleague. If you find yourself standing beside each other in a queue at the canteen or something yep for sure, make small talk or what not. Otherwise, is there really any need to be putting pressure on yourself to make this guy your "friend"? I wouldn't have thought so? Work is work. You don't have to be friends with everyone and everyone doesn't have to like you- such is life. ( Believe me, life became an awful lot easier once I figured out that little nugget of wisdom).

By the sounds of things, this guy made his feelings clear at the time. Without sounding harsh, he has the right to work in an environment where he isn't made feel uncomfortable in this way. For your own sake, you need to act professionally and tread carefully. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was a male colleague showing interest in a female colleague, certain accusations could be made. It is, or should be, no different in this case. You should not bring this topic up again. I would strongly advise against it.

Ursus Horribilis

Sometimes when you express an interest in someone and they don't feel the same way, it destroys the friendship. That's the chance you take I'm afraid. It wasn't clever to say it to a co-worker either but that's water under the bridge at this stage. You're going to have to accept that he's not going to be your friend and things may not ever become comfortable between you again. The wisest course of action here is to treat him as you would any other colleague. Be courteous, pleasant and professional but don't try to be his friend. And just like the others, I strongly advise you to not bring the matter up with him. It will make things ten times worse, guaranteed!

The Young Wan

We work quite close together and we are in the same friensship group, who all hang out together after work, go to lunch together, etc. That's why I want to get rid of the awkwardness.

Ursus Horribilis

You can't! That's what people are trying to tell you.

Big Bag of Chips

If its a group you can go out in the group without being particularly close to him. I have been on nights out in groups and barely spoken to some people. Purely because I was speaking to others. The awkwardness may fade over time, or it may not. But you can't force it one way or another. I would suggest if you want the awkwardness to fade, then you don't try to force a friendship in him.

Whatever happens will happen naturally with time. You can't fast forward it.

leggo

With work stuff - people hooking up, people fancing each other unrequited, people getting too drunk at the Christmas party etc - the best solution often is to put the head down and get on with things. Make yourself available to people, so asking how they are and so on, then see how it goes. It's a marathon, not a sprint, if you push things with people you work in close quarters with you're just as likely to push them away. You're there to work first and foremost, not be friends, so focus on that and then the rest will likely fall into place. If you're working full-time then you likely spend more waking time with these people than your family, so there'll come a day when he may need someone to chat to or whatever. Maybe he senses you're trying too hard to be 'normal' and reads that as you're over-eager or trying to win him around. If you chill out about the whole thing, it'll likely blow over and get back to normal. And if it doesn't, then that's the decision he's made and there's nothing more you can do. But, in saying that, it'd be odd if someone was awkward about a silly thing said while drunk for years on end too, so I wouldn't worry too much either.

Mr Starman

He's possibly the strong silent type, probably playing 'hard to get' too, sounds like a role reversal. Box him off at the next mad office party, Xmas be good, when ye're both twisted, happy and see what happens. Could be the 'one'.

Dial Hard

Mr Starman wrote:

He's possibly the strong silent type, probably playing 'hard to get' too, sounds like a role reversal. Box him off at the next mad office party, Xmas be good, when ye're both twisted, happy and see what happens. Could be the 'one'.

This is the worst advice ever. He already shot her down once and by her own admission it's been awkward since. It would be downright inappropriate to put him in a position where he had to do it again and could well land her in front of HR.

Mr Starman

Dial Hard wrote: »

This is the worst advice ever. He already shot her down once and by her own admission it's been awkward since. It would be downright inappropriate to put him in a position where he had to do it again and could well land her in front of HR.

Seriously, this is a grown man you're talking about.

He sounds like a humourless dryhole giving the OP the cold shoulder for nothing but a few flirty words. Any decent man could laugh it off and carry on. And hauling her down to HR....not even worth calling a man, he be better attired in nappies and go back to Mammy crying! Laughable stuff.

Wibbs

Mr Starman wrote: »

Seriously, this is a grown man you're talking about.

He sounds like a humourless dryhole giving the OP the cold shoulder for nothing but a few flirty words. Any decent man could laugh it off and carry on.

Eh... wut? You've constructed a load of conclusions there on scant information Ted. How does he come across as a "humourless dryhole", or has given the "OP the cold shoulder". Her description of him and I quote; "But I feel now like he thinks he can't talk to me at all" NB she Feels now like he can't talk to her. Maybe he is giving her the cold shoulder, or maybe it's more about her imagining there is more awkwardness than there actually is?

He's possibly the strong silent type, probably playing 'hard to get' too, sounds like a role reversal. Box him off at the next mad office party, Xmas be good, when ye're both twisted, happy and see what happens. Could be the 'one'.

And this "advice" is daft... Here's a thought, maybe he's simply not sexually or romantically interested in her. It does happen you know. As for the "one", yeah well I'll leave that fantastical notion well alone..

It's happened to me only I was the guy in the equation. And I noticed she was avoiding me months down the line(overlapping circle of mates), even though I had pretty much entirely forgotten about her whole drunken pass. I eventually got talking with her and she was convinced I was avoiding her because it felt awkward for me and it didn't(hell in that case she actually thought I "hated" her).

On the wider topic of work romances, I'd personally advise against them. Oh I've met women through my work, but that was as an outside contractor that was in and out, not people I was working with in the next desk along on a daily basis(different depts in large companies can be OK). Now they can work and that's great, but if and mostly(IME) when they don't it can be a real pain. Even if they do work and then go to breakup down the line(as the majority of relationships do before marriage and the like), even more of a pain. Near guaranteed drama akin to buying a from row ticket to the Gaiety. The old saw of Don't sh*t where you eat while crass is IMHO very good general advice. Understandably an easy trap to fall into of course. Working beside other people 40 hours a week or whatever can infer an intimacy that can lead to shenanigans in the copy room after a mutual skinful the Christmas party.

Wibbs

The Young Wan wrote: »

We work quite close together and we are in the same friensship group, who all hang out together after work, go to lunch together, etc. That's why I want to get rid of the awkwardness.

One "trick" is to at least pretend there is none. Hard to do if you're invested in the situation, but worth a try. Fake it until you make it kinda thing. Try to imagine he's a stranger and try to approach him like that. Don't bring up the "situation", don't try to explain. That'll just stir the pot again, as with the best will in the world you'll likely both take things up the wrong way. If he brings it up, then go with a general "ah I did fancy you a little and had a few ales, but don't worry no harm done" kinda thing Try not to project what you think he's feeling onto him. Again easy to do, but try to look at how he's actually acting.