I'm a stupid girl

LegacyUser

Please go easy on me because I know I sound like a freak. I have an issue when it comes to pretty girls but only when my boyfriend is around. What is wrong with me? We could go out for a lovely evening and as soon as I see a beautiful woman, my night will be ruined. I'll feel uneasy and my eyes will constantly be checking if my boyfriend is noticing her. I feel I am slightly above average looking and I'm friendly but I don't know why I feel so threatened by pretty girls. Can anyone help me or understand me because it's really starting to upset me. I've seen my boyfriend look at attractive girls before many times (I'm sure it's natural) but it makes me feel like he could leave me for them. I know looks aren't everything but I have a strong belief that all men want sex with beautiful women (it's in their nature) and maybe when my back is turned he will go after them. I was watching a documentary about how monogamy is not natural and my brother said that any man would cheat if he knew he could get away with it and if the circumstances were ideal. He said monogamy is not natural and all men seek variety in women. I just feel sad by this and I feel why don't they stay single and have their variety if they need it? Why do they hurt others? Why get in a relationship if it's in a mans nature to seek many women?? can I be fixed anyway

Neyite

Stupid girl wrote: »

... I have a strong belief that all men want sex with beautiful women (it's in their nature) and maybe when my back is turned he will go after them. I was watching a documentary about how monogamy is not natural and my brother said that any man would cheat if he knew he could get away with it and if the circumstances were ideal. He said monogamy is not natural and all men seek variety in women.

This is the heart of the issue. You strongly believe he will cheat, so to your mind, it's only a matter of time before he does, and that's why you can't relax. So, you've two choices - you could either try to work on not giving a damn if you get cheated on, since you believe the inevitability of it, or work on changing that strong belief. I think if you go with the first option, you'll remain as miserable and paranoid as you are already, but you have a shot at real happiness if you try the second option.

Men aren't different species to us women. They are just like us - some want loyalty and prefer to have sex with someone they know, like and trust. Others love to play the field. I know many, many blokes who have no interest in other women - Gorgeous, charming, attractive blokes who could easily pull but have zero interest. In fact I know many more faithful blokes than I do cheaters.

You are basing your entire view of men on your brother's opinion. Your brother sounds like an immature git to be honest. Fine if he feels he's programmed to shag everything with a pulse, but he can't speak with any authority on behalf of his entire sex.

Work on it - for your own sake. You sound like you've a decent bloke there and your views and how they make you feel will kill this relationship before any cheating will.

LegacyUser

I think the origin of your problem is listening to your brother. You have some insecurities that you need to get to the bottom of, but your current problem won't be helped by entertaining nonsense generalisations. The highest estimates I know of for rates of infidelity are about 30%. So, that means 70% of men aren't. Unless your boyfriend has done more than you've told us, you have no reason to doubt him and you need to find a way to address that. You might even want to get some counselling. That seems drastic to most people, but the alternative may be to endure years of paranoia and unhappy relationships.

kunst nugget

Stupid girl wrote: »

I was watching a documentary about how monogamy is not natural and my brother said that any man would cheat if he knew he could get away with it and if the circumstances were ideal. He said monogamy is not natural and all men seek variety in women. I just feel sad by this and I feel why don't they stay single and have their variety if they need it? Why do they hurt others? Why get in a relationship if it's in a mans nature to seek many women?? can I be fixed anyway

I wouldn't cheat on my wife even if I thought I could get away with it scot free. No short term illicit pleasure would be worth destroying our relationship for.

Monogamy might not be natural but then houses, central heating and the internet aren't either and I'm fooked if I'm living without my wife in perpetual monogamy or any of those conveniences of modern living.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'm asking because your brother and you seem to have similar ideas on the issue, but what was the dynamic like at home when ye were growing up? Was there a lot of passing comment on women's appearances, sexualised 'banter', was it possible there was infidelity? You don't have to answer and I hope I'm not offending you, it's just that this kind of strongly held belief that you can't shake even though you know it's probably not right often comes from childhood stuff.

All men do not cheat, and if they do it's because they choose to do so. Yes, good people can make bad choices and libido can get the better of people but it is not behaviour they're incapable of controlling. Chalking it down to 'men's nature' is just what weak, cruel men do to justify themselves.

OP, I would recommend talking to a professional. There's a lot of insecurities going on here that are going to get worse if untreated.

Dr Crayfish

I've had experiences with a woman like this. It's really horrible for the man, you basically have to look at the ground when you're walking around etc in case you check a girl out by accident. It's not fair what you're doing to your partner. You are deeply insecure, I'd go as far as to say you shouldn't be in a relationship given your current mental state. What you should do is seek some kind of therapy as soon as you can, before it's too late.

Bambi985

I dated the male equivalent of you OP. Loved the guy to bits and it's not in my nature to cheat, I couldn't physically do it if I wanted to, but I couldn't be in a room with another guy without my ex thinking something was happening / had happened. It was the most bizarre thing ever and it turned me into a nervous wreck who'd lie about meeting male friends, work colleagues for a pint after work, or being within a two-mile radius of some single lad that he perceived as a threat.

I wouldn't wish that kind of thing on anyone and I'd feel for your boyfriend tbh, no doubt he's picked up on your acute paranoia and has spent his fair share of time walking on egg shells.

In short, unless you deal with your issues - and these are YOUR issues, not his - this will be the death knell in your relationship eventually. No, not all guys cheat, no, not all guys want to have sex with every attractive woman that walks passed them, and no, you won't always be the best looking woman in the room and you're just going to have to get over that. I'd strongly recommend counselling.

Big Bag of Chips

If you notice an attractive girl, then obviously your bf is also going to notice her. He's not blind. There are hundreds of attractive people going to be in our path on any given day. If you can see them, so can he. What do you suggest he does about it?

Your brother told you something, and now you're taking it as gospel. I wonder how old you are because you sound quite immature, and impressionable. I'd wonder did your brother even deliberately this to wind you up. He seemed to know exactly the thing to say to, and probably knew exactly the reaction you'd have.

If you believe no man can ever be faithful then the best thing you can do for yourself is stay single. Play them at their own game. Because if you honestly believe what your brother said, then you are just tormenting yourself being in a relationship and waiting, and actually watching for it all to go wrong.

Carry on like that and you will likely push partners away.

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Nothing. Your bf might cheat on you. He might not. You might cheat on him. Unless you are willing to.give something a chance then you'll never know, and you'll live a very lonely life always having your guard up and being suspicious of those closest to you.

Stay single, or give yourself to the relationship. Because being half-in/half-out waiting for it all to go wrong will eventually be a self fulfilling prophecy and end up being an unfulfilling relationship for both of you.

lazybones32

How old are you op?

Yes, your bf looks at other women and he might fantasise about having sex with them but that doesn't mean it will happen.

Would you rate your bf as someone in your league or out of your league? Sometimes people are uncomfortable being with someone that they consider is too good-looking - either someone else will tempt them away or they will naturally stray. This is very much in their own head.

If your bf isn't flirtatious with the other women or isn't staring at them with his mouth open, then this is something you are magnifying in your mind. It is not a mental illness or a sign of dysfunction: you don't need therapy unless this has been happening for years and you are like this with every boyfriend. I don't think this is the case with you.

Can you try and trace back to where it began? Not every documentary is correct and your brothers opinion is simply his opinion. He does not speak for anyone but himself but i guarantee you that his hormones and sex-drive dictated that statement.

Don't be hard on yourself or call yourself stupid for these feelings. Think about why you think the way you do and in time you will understand yourself better. You can, to a large degree, determine how you feel, by how you think.

leggo

What your brother says is just something lads who cheat tell themselves to allay the guilt. I know a few who say similar, it's crap. They believe their own BS and will ream off a lot of convincing-sounding waffle to try get permission and validation for what they do, but it's just waffle. Like when smokers list off reasons why they have to smoke and it's actually for the best that they do. It's not factually based at all, they're just trying to feel better about something they know is wrong.

Everyone notices attractive people. You probably notice attractive men too. If you see an attractive lad on the street or on TV, do you start thinking, "I'm going to leave my boyfriend if I get a shot at him/someone like that"? No, you likely don't. Unless you've any actual evidence to say otherwise beyond your own insecurities, your boyfriend feels the same.

Mr Starman

Stupid girl wrote: »

can I be fixed anyway

Yes, go see a shrink.
They are the professionals in these psychological matters.

Hormoney1980

I can relate. I definitely went through a phase of feeling that way around attractive women when with my boyfriend. I was in my late teens,early twenties. I'm married to him now and happily jokingly point out gorgeous girls to him. It doesn't affect me at all. I'm not sure if this change comes from being with him longer or me getting a bit older and realising,

a) looks aren't everything and
b) if he's going to leave me he's going to do it... My worrying about it won't change anything.

Every time you see someone who you feel threatened by maybe think of something positive about yourself... Compare yourself more fairly.

Don't be too hard on yourself too, it might just be a phase and you acknowledge that it's not the way you want to be.

amtc

You say you're noticing attractive women...but there's nothing in your post to say he is or is reacting to them.

Also one person's attractive is not anothers. I was out with a male single friend recently and a stunningly good looking girl (i thought) came in and as I was leaving pointed her out to him. His answer was 'ugh, way too much makeup, high maintenance, no way'

I don't necessarily think you need counselling or therapy as suggested. If something is going to happen it will. What will happen if you keep obsessing about it you will make yourself less attractive and make someone else a more attractive choice!

Finally and just as an aside your user name of stupid girl. I'm sure you're not but never ever call yourself stupid! Probably was picked as a throwaway but never put yourself down.