Would love to marry him

LegacyUser

I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 28. We live together and love each other very much. We have been together for over 2 years. The only issue I have is that he hates talking about marriage. As soon as I bring the subject up we fight. I feel we have both found out life partner in each other so I don't know why we need to hold off on getting married. He knows marriage is important to me. I first told him how I felt about 6 months ago. At first he said we would get married within 2 years for sure. Now he says it could be 5 years because he'd like to save and get a house first. I just feel that if you want to marry someone it's not about money. Maybe I'm wrong though? He said we need to save loads of money for a wedding party but even a simple cheap wedding would be lovely. we have a young baby and I just would love the security of knowing we are together for life. Do I need to relax and let it happen naturally or does it seem he's not interested at all or maybe not sure about me yet? Thanks

SB_Part2

Have you told him you don't want to have a big wedding and are happy with something small?

LegacyUser

Desperate or fair enough wrote: »

we have a young baby

How long were you together when you got pregnant and how much time does he spend with the baby by choice (other than changing nappies or feeding etc)? Was it planned?

LirW

Op, chill. You just had a baby and when you already know you'll marry anyway it'll happen eventually. I have to say your partner has a decent opinion on it. He wants stability first for his family. That is indeed fair enough. A weeding is expensive, no matter how you plan it, unless you just do the registry office and that's it. Even a simple affair can easily knock 3 - 5k what could have been your house deposit.
We had the exact same situation and decided to hold off with getting married because the stability for our family was a lot more important.
You can also do the registry office and then once you are settled do a proper party.

witchgirl26

OP I think LirW is right about the chill. I get the wanting security when you have a baby but maybe your other half is seeing the house and savings as security more so than a marriage. Weddings are pricey things even done small and simple and maybe it's a case that while you'd be happy with that, he wants a slightly bigger wedding and thus needs the savings for it.

Instead of having a conversation about marriage that descends into a fight (which isn't good for anyone) maybe have a discussion about the future in general but be willing to listen to his side too and not just push the marriage part.

In regards of what he said about 2 years - was this before the baby? Just wondering as it could be that he sees how much a baby costs and the time/energy and wants to not put pressure on either of you organising a wedding while also dealing with a young child. Or maybe he's just thinking that it would be nice to have your child have memories of your wedding with you and be more involved? I know that was a huge consideration in a friend deciding to put off getting married until her youngest was 4.

Neyite

My partner got a bit of a surprise when he realised that our child's default next of kin would be my mother, not him. For some reason I think that the law has been slightly changed since our baby was born though.

This might be an interesting read:

http://www.treoir.ie/target-fathers.php#rights

Dr Crayfish

Marriages don't mean you're together for life, it's 2017! He had a baby with you it's a bigger commitment than marriage really! Maybe he doesn't want to get married at all have you discussed that? I never even have birthday parties and the idea of a wedding is my worst nightmare. Either way, what's the rush, you are still quite young!

RoisinClare6

Ok, you need to chill the beans a bit.

You have a good life together it seems both know you want to be together and are already a family with your little one.

I completely understand where he is coming from about the house. We all know how the housing market is at the moment. Securing a home would be a better investment in the long run. Maybe get married after?

I know a couple of people who had good decent 10-20k weddings and complain they can't get a deposit together. I hope this doesn't come across to harsh but maybe just reorganise your priorities for now

Xterminator

Hi Op

I dont think your are very good at understanding other people's point of view. You live with this man; and have a child together but you don't seem to have an inkling whats going on in his head. Sounds a little harsh, i hope you get where i'm coming from. No-one here knows him better than you.

Its a pity you don't think you can discuss it as a couple without fighting. Because i think if you understand why he doesn't want to get married ; what his worries and hangups are; maybe they can be addressed.

I mean you can guess its the money, and suggest a cheap wedding .. its like a stab in the dark.

Sephiroth_dude

Relax and chill out, let it happen naturally, if its too be it will happen, don't be trying too lock him down it will only drive him away.

Ursus Horribilis

Unlike some people here, I would be a bit concerned that it's turning into a row any time you bring it up. Why is he being so defensive? I don't buy the cost of the wedding excuse either. You can always have a small wedding that won't cost the earth. Or if you go the other way, the money the wedding guests give you will more than cover the cost of the wedding. Like another poster has asked, was your child planned? That might be feeding into this too and he's afraid of commitment. Even though cohabitation laws have changed things, it is still easier to walk away when there's no ring on the finger.

LegacyUser

He's kicking the can down the road. Of course you are totally right to want some long term commitment, especially with your new baby. He doesn't want to marry you. That's the long and the short of it. I've seen this many times.

He won't suddenly change his mind, and if he does it will because it's the easy option, not because he wants to marry you.

If he was mad about you, you would already be married. What is marriage to him? It is excluding the chance of other options, options he still wants to consider.

LegacyUser

Primavero wrote: »

You will never have the security of knowing you are together for life, whether you are married or not you are both free to break up whenever you want for whatever reason you want.

The concern for me would be why you feel you need a partner locked in for life.

This is such a simplistic view. Getting married means commitment. It is saying to the world this woman and I are a couple. Wife, husband, child. We are a family. It is a very strong commitment.

"locked in for life" give me a break, they have a child together. She is totally morally right in wanting a father "locked in" with his child.

strandroad

If you didn't have a baby I'd say chill too, but since you already have a family why is he so particular about not wanting to get married? A child will cost you a lot more in a month than a registry office visit would if you're okay with the cheap option.
He was okay with making this huge lifelong commitment with you but marriage he won't discuss? I would find it strange also.

Big Bag of Chips

SB_Part2 wrote: »

Have you told him you don't want to have a big wedding and are happy with something small?

Maybe he wants a big wedding!

He's quite young in terms of men getting married. I'm not sure of exact statistics but I think men tend to be closer to mid-late thirties getting married, with women slightly younger.

You need a compromise. He can't get angry every time you bring it up. He needs to discuss it with you. But, are you nagging him? Is your approach putting him off? Are you saving now? It's fine to have a plan in place, but you need to start taking steps towards making the plan a reality. I think at 28 he's probably being sensible. But if the plan is to save for a house and a big wedding party, then you both should start saving for a house and a big wedding party. At least that way you both know this is something you are aiming towards.

GingerLily

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Or if you go the other way, the money the wedding guests give you will more than cover the cost of the wedding.

It really doesn't, and it's a very foolish financial decision to make either way

jlm29

Until you threw in the line about you having a baby together, I'd have agreed with a lot of people and told you to chill. Unfortunately in this country, marriage offers a certain stability that home ownership and cohabitation just doesn't. I'm not saying he has to want to get married, just that his argument is a bit misguided.
It's a bit worrying that he won't even discuss it without a row.

Dr Crayfish

Gee Jay Aitch wrote: »

If he was mad about you, you would already be married. What is marriage to him? It is excluding the chance of other options, options he still wants to consider.

That's not true. I've been "mad about" partners in the past but never wanted a wedding.

Dial Hard

Dr Crayfish wrote:

That's not true. I've been "mad about" partners in the past but never wanted a wedding.

Marriage =/= a wedding

Augme

I think he's made it clear he doesn't want to get married now so why keep bringing it up? It seems like your goal is to nag him into marrying you.

LegacyUser

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

That's not true. I've been "mad about" partners in the past but never wanted a wedding.

What a daft comment.

You didn't marry your exes. What point does that prove, other than they are no longer with you, which proves my point.

Ave Sodalis

Gee Jay Aitch wrote: »

What a daft comment.

You didn't marry your exes. What point does that prove, other than they are no longer with you, which proves my point.

I don't want to marry my current partner unless it becomes the practical thing to do. I have no intention of marrying purely to prove I love him, because I don't need an expensive bit of paper to do that. He knows I do and with the existence of divorce, marriage no longer means committment in my eyes. Some people want to marry purely because they love their partner. Fair enough. Some people want to marry for practical reasons. Also fair enough. Just because you do it for one reason, doesn't mean everyone else should except your partner.

The problem with the OP is that they aren't on the same page at all. I think there's a middle ground to be found somewhere. It's only been two years OP, there's plenty of time to get married. The child makes things a bit more complicated but it's no reason not to give him time. If you're going to spend forever together anyway, what's another few years? On the other hand, does your boyfriend know about guardianship rights (or lack of) when he isn't married to the mother? How do you approach discussions, and why do they cause such arguments?

professore

He doesn't want to get married now. You can't force him. It's up to you to decide what you want to do. If it were me I would get married now if I loved you and not otherwise. But I'm not every guy.

I've a friend who kept his own apartment even though she had a house until his son was in primary school. They never got married and are still together after 15 years, longer than a lot of marriages.

ManOfMystery

Gee Jay Aitch wrote: »

He's kicking the can down the road. Of course you are totally right to want some long term commitment, especially with your new baby. He doesn't want to marry you. That's the long and the short of it. I've seen this many times.

He won't suddenly change his mind, and if he does it will because it's the easy option, not because he wants to marry you.

If he was mad about you, you would already be married. What is marriage to him? It is excluding the chance of other options, options he still wants to consider.

Can't really agree with any of this. 

Deciding (a) if you should get married, and (b) when you should get married - it is a very individual choice and not simply because "I've found the perfect person, ergo we must get married immediately". There are always other factors which will influence that decision - age, finances, family issues, job status, so on. Not to mention personal opinion on marriage itself and what it means in the grand scheme of things. 

I knew within a few months of meeting my now-wife that I wanted to be married to her. But not straight away. I was mad about her, but we didn't get married for another 4.5yrs and that timeline was mostly due to to me. By your logic, it would have looked from the outside like I was kicking the can 'down the road' and had a massive fear of commitment, which is nowhere near the truth of how the situation was. 
I have seen relationships go 4, 5, 10, 15 yrs before people get married. 

I don't think 2yrs is by any means an extraordinarily long time to drag out a relationship without proposing, the opposite in fact. If he's not ready to do it yet, he's not ready - and IMO, each partner being ready for marriage is a hugely important factor in determining if it will succeed. Someone feeling they've been rushed into it is never going to be content. A little patience can go a long way here.

strandroad

But were you opposing and delaying for years after you already had children together? Because that's what really stands out here: family yes but marriage no.

woodchuck

If it wasn't for the child, I'd be telling you to hold your horses. However if you're already in a loving relationship, live together and have a kid together, it does seem a little strange that he's not ready to get married yet. I don't know an awful lot about the legal side of it, but I do know that in general terms there are more rights/protection if you're married, so it makes sense to me.

There can be good reasons for holding off of course, such as finances. But you said you're happy with a small/cheap ceremony. Does he want a big wedding? Is that why he's holding off? I think you need to discuss it some more and find about what it is that you both want and try to come up with some sort of compromise. If he's not willing to even discuss it though... well... that's a problem Maybe just try to make it clear that you don't want to pressure him, but you want to try and understand his point of view and get on the same page for your future together.

ElizaBennett

Just as an insight, my partner wants to marry me and first asked me a few months after we got together (which was highly alarming and I didn't know whether to take it seriously or not) and asks quite regularly. It's quite stressful to me and I would far rather he didn't keep bringing it up. I would love to be able to go six months without hearing about it. Just to make you think of it from your partner's point of view. We don't have children together though, so I realise it's very very different. I'm just saying this as, you bringing this up regularly won't persuade him he wants to marry you. I know it's causing you anxiety and pain and you want to talk about it and I'm not telling you not to. I'm just saying how he might be feeling hearing it. I've told my partner that I probably will want to get married some day but I don't know when. And it might be never. I've been married before and don't feel I want to take that on again right now. I guess you could argue that if I loved him enough I'd forget about the past and live in the moment and want to marry again. I don't know whether not wanting to get married means I don't love him enough. That's the honest truth. Just thought this might be a useful insight for you. Some people just want to get on with it and enjoy the present and not think too far into the future. You can read into that - or maybe it doesn't mean anything much. It's just a personality thing.