New guy after bad breakup. Texting!

pinkyx

Right first of all I feel a bit silly posting about his because I am a woman on her early thirties and this feels a bit juvenile but I have been out of the dating game such a long time.

Quite recently I broke up with an ex of 6 years, very badly. Devastated doesnt cover it.

Anyway I took some time and then decided to get on with my life. I signed up to a dating website and went l a few dates. Met a guy I quite like recently and have been on 5 or 6 dates. I know it's early day.

When I am with him we have a great time. He seems keen in person and talks about things we can do in the future etc. However when we are not together he makes little contact. I feel like I am driving all of the communication and suggesting dates. He always responds if I text him usually pretty quickly but I wonder if I didn't text him would he bother texting me. When we do talk over text he is very brief and sometimes it's like getting blood out of a stone! I am not bombarding him with texts nor do I expect communication every day at this stage but I would like more then a one word reply when I text him. I just feel that his behaviour when we are apart is at odds with his behaviour when we are together and I can't work out whether or not he is actually interesting in persuing it.

I know I could just stop texting him and see if he texts me but I hate waiting on texts like that.

Is this just how dating is nowadays? Am
I wasting my time?

Mr. Incognito

Some people are not big texters.

My gf hates texting for example but will reply to keep me happy but unless she wants something wont text.

We grew up without texting. Some people took to it. Some people dont.

Just ring him instead

baby and crumble

TBH OP I get frustrated with some of my friends who don't do the "chatting by text" thing but when we're actually together in a room we chat and interract as per normal. It's just that they don't like texting, I do. You can't force someone to do something. I'd be more worried if he was texting like a mad thing, all the craic and then when you're actually together on a date he's super quiet.

Tenigate

I'm mid-30s and grew up without texting. And to be honest, I'm not a fan - I went through a phase of texting and over time realised what a waste of effort it is & how I am much happier without texting.
I'd rather arrange a time to meet even if was in a week's time and I didn't have contact with my friend/date/whatever until then.

pinkyx wrote: »

I know I could just stop texting him and see if he texts me but I hate waiting on texts like that.

He didn't text me. Should I text him? I hate waiting for texts. I'm not going to text him til he texts me. I Know, I'll text him "r u ok x"... He didn't reply. I know he saw it because he liked something on facebook. I know, I'll turn the volume off on my phone, that way when I look at it there might be a text

... see the misery this causes? Just relax and put your phone down! You're not a teenager.

pinkyx

I know you guys are right and to be fair he is 35, so didn't 'grow up with texting' neither did I suppose. Maybe he is one of the people who didn't really take to it.

Baby's and crumble you are right it would be far worse if he was texting a lot then cold in real life! I have met guys like that too.

I just feel that at this stage I would really like him to be showing a bit more enthusiasm for meet ups. He is fine when he is there but as soon as I am gone I kinda wonder if I left it if he would too!

pinkyx

pinkyx wrote: »

I know I could just stop texting him and see if he texts me but I hate waiting on texts like that.

That sounds a bit like playing games to me.

Some people are not big texters. It's totally OK. You're a big texter. He's not. So the choices are; just adjust and accept that you get on fantastically well in person, so texting isn't a huge issue or... panic, overthink, and stare at your phone waiting for a text.

Personally... I know what I'd do.

Tenigate

pinkyx wrote: »

I just feel that at this stage I would really like him to be showing a bit more enthusiasm for meet ups. He is fine when he is there but as soon as I am gone I kinda wonder if I left it if he would too!

That's where real communication comes in to it. Chat about where you are in life and what you're looking for.

You can't read his mind. Is he looking for a serious relationship, or is he happy with a date once a week? You won't know unless he tells you.

marcus001

I don't like having conversations through text. Once you get to know him better you can ask him if he just doesn't like texting and if so then you can just have a quick phone call every day to stay in touch.

pinkyx

Ha ha Tenigate, that's very funny. How do you know exactly what's going on in my head?!

I know I am not a teenager, I do feel like I am acting like one at the moment. Maybe it's partly due to the bad breakup I went though and being back in the dating game. I could be over analysing here.

But, call me old fashioned, I like the man I am seeing to take the lead in communication in the early days SOMETIMES. I wouldn't mind if he didn't text but found some other way to contact me. He could ring instead for instance. I have always had this from guys I have dated in the past, maybe I am out of touch.

pinkyx

pinkyx wrote: »

Ha ha Tenigate, that's very funny. How do you know exactly what's going on in my head?!

I know I am not a teenager, I do feel like I am acting like one at the moment. Maybe it's partly due to the bad breakup I went though and being back in the dating game. I could be over analysing here.

But, call me old fashioned, I like the man I am seeing to take the lead in communication in the early days SOMETIMES. I wouldn't mind if he didn't text but found some other way to contact me. He could ring instead for instance. I have always had this from guys I have dated in the past, maybe I am out of touch.

You could, I dunno, pick up the phone and call him?

Tenigate

pinkyx wrote: »

Ha ha Tenigate, that's very funny. How do you know exactly what's going on in my head?!

Was I close? I've been there. The mind likes to keep itself busy.

pinkyx

Tenigate you were pretty much bang on! Silly aren't I?!

Bonyarswsbogman, you are right I could just pick up the phone and I will probably start doing that. But that would be me making contact still and wouldn't solve the issue of me being the one doing all of the of the initial contacting and planning.

I could maybe add that I get the feeling he might be a bit of a complacent person in other areas of his life too.

pinkyx

pinkyx wrote: »

Tenigate you were pretty much bang on! Silly aren't I?!

Bonyarswsbogman, you are right I could just pick up the phone and I will probably start doing that. But that would be me making contact still and wouldn't solve the issue of me being the one doing all of the of the initial contacting and planning.

I could maybe add that I get the feeling he might be a bit of a complacent person in other areas of his life too.

I somewhat feel like you're looking for excuses and a way out. You mentioned that your last relationship ended badly.

Tenigate

pinkyx wrote: »

I could maybe add that I get the feeling he might be a bit of a complacent person in other areas of his life too.

I guess if you're not looking for a complacent person, he's not the guy for you!

I suppose you need to decide what you're looking for in this relationship, then find out what he's looking for.. and then see if that's something you can work with.

pinkyx

Tenigate that's what I am starting to think. I think I might give it a few more goes and see if I can illicit some more enthusiasm!

Bonyaresed, yes my last breakup was a complete catastrophe which might have left me a bit anxious and shell shocked. I don't think I am looking for a way out as such but maybe I am projecting on to him to some extent and over analysing.

Thanks for the replies. This has reassured me to some extent.

woodchuck

I always think if there are issues this early on, then it's just not meant to be. The best case scenario is that he's just not into texting as a form of communication. But it does beg the question why he doesn't initiate communication in other ways (e.g. a phone call). I've been in similar situations before and it always feels great in person, but the doubt starts to set in between dates due to the lack of communication. Ultimately, things fizzled out.

How long ago did you break up with your ex OP? You say that it was quite recently and a complete catastrophe. So personally I'd use this time to do some casual dating and figure out what you do/don't want for a future relationship. Have fun, but don't put any pressure on yourself to make things work with everyone you date. To me this situation sounds like a good learning experience; i.e. going forward you probably need someone who is on a similar wavelength to you when it comes to communication styles?

AidanadiA

Have you told him that you would like to hear from him during the day/week?

I hate my phone. I hate getting text messages and also replying to them. I also hate phone calls. You may thing that hate is a strong word, but I really do. To the point that some people have a huge issue with over it.
I get that its "my problem not theirs" with certain people in my life who will text 20 times a day and get pi$$ed off with my "sure" "cool" "ok" responses. You will not see me initiate a conversation with someone over text or calls but I will fire out emails to them.

I'll write a big long wordy email and I'm good at getting back to me emails too, but not texts or calls or facebook!

stuboy01

It sounds that what you're really wondering is, 'Is he interested in me? If I didn't text him and do all the arranging would he take the initiative and make the arrangements?'
here's what you could do. next time you meet up, tell him that he is to make the arrangements for the next date.
you'll quickly find out if he's interested in keeping in touch or not.

pinkyx

Thanks stuboy. I think that is probabably good idea. I'll hate the waiting I will have to do to see if he texts or rings me to arrange anything. It'll be hard to not break and text him! You are also right on saying that I really want to know is if he likes me or not.

Rekop dog

If a guy is interested you'll know it, generally like in this case if you're doing all the work it means he's not that into you. I've been in situations dating that if I'm not super keen I wouldn't text the girl much, not out of rudeness, just she wouldn't enter my thoughts much and could be seeing others at the same time. I'd always reply though as was never the type to ghost or fade. If they eventually asked where is this going I'd be honest so perhaps that's how you'll find out.

Whatever about him not being a big texter, it's not that relevant. How did people arrange dates before whatsapp, they called or arranged it after previous date. He hasn't done any of that. It doesn't excuse his lack of effort.

And anyway you say you like a guy making some effort early in dating, so have some pride and try find someone that makes you happier and fulfils your needs better.

njs030

Rekop dog wrote: »

just she wouldn't enter my thoughts much

This!!
When someone is interested in you they think about you and make an effort to talk to you, even those that don't like texting will manage it because they like *you*.
If he's not making the effort it's because he doesn't want to make the effort, it's that simple.

The early days are for fun and to decide if this is something you want to move further with if you're analysing and trying to get someone to act in a different way then it isn't.
Find someone who does want to do those things and who you can relax with.

blairbear

Bar the last couple of replies, I feel like people are being a bit hard on the OP and dismissive of her concerns.

She's hardly going to start ringing a lad who can barely see fit to text her. That makes zero sense. She has been on 5 or 6 dates with him. She can't start making requests in terms of the level of communication she would like. She wants him to show interest, to be thoughtful and indicate that she enters his head in between meeting up.

I know we all grew up without texting but there isn't a single lad I know who won't make the effort if cracked about a girl. I had an ex who would text once between dates; the text would be to ask to see me again. He barely ever used his phone but he did for that. It sounds like he's intetested enough to agree to meet up and enjoys your company but you aren't near the top of his list of priorities otherwise.

I know you said you hate waiting for texts, but he has to do SOME of the work. You will never establish whether he organises the dates or not if you do everything first. I think you should take a deep breath, and step away. Invest less in this. Go on other dates. Meet other people. If he likes you, he'll contact you. If he doesn't, then you can be glad you aren't with a guy who is lukewarm about you.

I dated a man for 2 months who seemed crazy about me when we met up but had similar texting patterns. I was driven demented watching my phone. In the end, I accepted the inevitable; that he wasn't that into me, stopped chasing him via text etc and it petered out. I felt like a weight had lifted. No more uncertainty or phone related anxiety. If a man likes you, you'll know. You want someone who manages to rouse himself enough to make an effort for you.

Good luck, OP.

neonsofa

Could you not just ask him?
Things are a lot easier if you're just upfront.

I'm not mad about texting or constant updates and stuff like that. I much prefer to keep all that to a minimum,it's never an indication of my interest,more just I don't have the time and I'm awful at replying to texts cause I always think I've replied when I haven't.

Life is too short to be sitting worrying about these things and waiting around for someone to text you instead of just texting them when you want to.

redfox123

The Internet is coming down with info that if he's not initiating etc then he's not bothered, he probably won't be rude and ignore but just won't make an effort and in general will be not that arsed. That info though makes women very insecure and hesitant to initiate at all, which I don't think is fair and can make a man feel like he's stalking her if she keeps within the rules of letting him pursue you.
I know I did recently and was ridiculously scared to text first or anything, and may have once or twice and I nearly died of nerves!! Now he did all the initiating and texting for the first few weeks, which made me feel a little bad that I was holding back because I liked him.
Anyway he went away for a week, and texted me to say he didn't see us working long term and that was it. So, what I'm saying is, that yes the guy will show interest if he is, but ultimately it doesn't mean much, for the longer term you both have to be compatible and build a friendship first, and if you're over thinking it this much this early on then that in itself is a bad sign.
You seem to be relying on the attention of this guy to make you feel better, and that's unhealthy because you hardly know him, and feeling like that is a result of your recent bad breakup. I did the same thing. It will make you feel way worse if it ends, so I would try to concentrate more on getting over your last breakup not by going out with someone else but working on yourself and filling up your life with things you enjoy. I think you know yourself he may not reach out much if you don't, and you don't want to feel rejected, that's why you 'break' and contact him. But you need to be ok on your own, really, otherwise there will be more pain. I've just been through it, it's hard but it's necessary.

Rekop dog

redfox123 wrote: »

The Internet is coming down with info that if he's not initiating etc then he's not bothered, he probably won't be rude and ignore but just won't make an effort and in general will be not that arsed. That info though makes women very insecure and hesitant to initiate at all, which I don't think is fair and can make a man feel like he's stalking her if she keeps within the rules of letting him pursue you.
I know I did recently and was ridiculously scared to text first or anything, and may have once or twice and I nearly died of nerves!! Now he did all the initiating and texting for the first few weeks, which made me feel a little bad that I was holding back because I liked him.
Anyway he went away for a week, and texted me to say he didn't see us working long term and that was it. So, what I'm saying is, that yes the guy will show interest if he is, but ultimately it doesn't mean much, for the longer term you both have to be compatible and build a friendship first, and if you're over thinking it this much this early on then that in itself is a bad sign.
You seem to be relying on the attention of this guy to make you feel better, and that's unhealthy because you hardly know him, and feeling like that is a result of your recent bad breakup. I did the same thing. It will make you feel way worse if it ends, so I would try to concentrate more on getting over your last breakup not by going out with someone else but working on yourself and filling up your life with things you enjoy. I think you know yourself he may not reach out much if you don't, and you don't want to feel rejected, that's why you 'break' and contact him. But you need to be ok on your own, really, otherwise there will be more pain. I've just been through it, it's hard but it's necessary.

A lot of bad advice and unfair assumptions in this post. I don't agree she's relying on his attention to make her happy. It's perfectly normal in the early stages of dating someone you like to have hopes of communication from the other person. We all do that thing of checking our phones a bit more often and then do a cheesy grin ect when they send something. It would be unhealthy if this went on for months on end but it hasn't, it's only been a handful of dates. Op's reaction is very healthy, she's questioning things and opened an honest thread asking for advice on the topic as she's been out of the game so long.

It's also inappropriate to tell someone to work on themselves or be on there own for longer when they've given no obvious signs that they need to. She says she took time out and is now moving on with her life, good on her imo.

Ironically your post has far more red flags, your princessy attitude in the first few paragraphs of not initiating contact early in a relationship is the most troubling thing in this thread. In reality when there's a strong mutual connection early in a healthy relationship these issues don't crop up and both parties usually can't wait to contact each other, and there's zero game playing.

OP has approached this great, just perhaps hasn't met the right person for her is all.

redfox123

No I don't think it's bad advice to say to someone go work on themselves. I was just giving my experience having been in same scenario just recently, the overthinking etc, when I should have been concentrating more on my own stuff.
I was wrong to not have the confidence to initiate as much as him. Not princessy at all, (god if you knew me ) I just was too nervous and fearful because of a bad breakup. It moved too fast for me I would have had the confidence had the relationship gone on a bit and got to know him more, and I hadn't just come out of an abusive relationship.

leggo

Option 3: other men exist!

5-6 dates is very early to start getting tied up in what someone thinks of you (what this is really about) and you can come across over-eager if you're constantly the one texting, it sets the tone for any potential relationship in the early days and that can be tough to change. So, if you were on a dating site or whatever, keep active on it (you don't have to actually date anyone else) to keep your options open. That way you can distract yourself and aren't constantly keeping all of your eggs in one basket, and if he chases, he chases. If he doesn't then you have your answer and you'll have people lined up to fill the void.

milli milli

I would tend to agree with some of the other posters OP. I live by this:

If the feelings are mutual, the effort will be equal

You seem to be doing most of the initiating. I find if a guy is interested he will find excuses to get in touch with you, even just sending something silly - all because he is thinking of you.
I know some guys aren't into texting but I know guys will make the effort for a girl he likes.

I would agree with others and start dating others.

beauf

milli milli wrote: »

I would tend to agree with some of the other posters OP. I live by this:



You seem to be doing most of the initiating. I find if a guy is interested he will find excuses to get in touch with you, even just sending something silly - all because he is thinking of you.
I know some guys aren't into texting but I know guys will make the effort for a girl he likes.

I would agree with others and start dating others.

I agree with this.

Midnight Sundance

I was like you up until a year ago. Busy dating guys off dating sites. A complete mixed bag of guys altogether. Doom keen, some cold, etc etc. Anyways , I then met my current bf and it made me realise how none of them were ever right.
He is not a big texted at all. I am. However from
Date 1 I knew he wasn't playing games and nearly always let me know a new date would be soon . Generally he'd arrange at the end of our date what we'd do next.
What I'm trying to say is/ if it's hard work like all those previous dates a had then it's probably not worth it.
Try see on the next date if he's keen to meet up.
Best of luck

redfox123

He should be initiating sometimes, whether it's a date or texting. It seems you're doing the pursuing and that's one sided, it should be fairly equal effort. If you like him bring it up next time you meet, casually ask does he not like texting and does he like meeting up.