Lad trouble

LegacyUser

I live in a very back of the beyonds rural area,gay but not out
It's one of the few parts of the country that voted no in the referendum
I'm working in a hardware store which is busy enough mainly serving farmers

There's a few other young lads here working,most of them younger than me by a few years
Anyway,we are all just back from a holiday
I shared a room with one of the lads that I get on very well with at work
Thing is it was a room with just one bed,so most nights I ended up crawling into bed with him naked most nights at 5 or 6 in the morning and being there until 2
We were practically spooning
Bad idea I know but who wouldn't in my shoes,he's on the local gas team and just gorgeous,you can imagine
I've strong feelings for him now,he is of course straight and has had a few girlfriends,they love him
On one of the nights he was nearly brining one home but went back with me because he was so drunk
I was physically sick that night at the thoughts of not having my night waking up with him,talking in bed together etc while he'd be with a girl doing all the things I'd love to be doing with him
We're actually very close but there's that one thing I have not told him in the nearly 3 years I've known him
It feels like I'm a big liar around him and I cherish and need our current closeness
After work for example we'd talk on messenger about this and that for ages
It's only a matter of time before he gets with another girl
Meanwhile I'm working with him most days and pine ing for a return to waking up beside him
It's awful yet I can't be without him
My heart now beats very fast around him
I'm very tempted to say something but fear the loss that might happen
There's no prospect of me moving out of here in the near future to Dublin or anywhere,it's just not financially doable
So it's with my religious parents and family Im stuck
So much more I could add but it would be very long
Thanks for listening
Help basically

Ten of Swords

Straight mates op, we've all been there. Pretty much everyone on this forum will be able to relate, having a straight crush at one time or another and it's never nice. If you're thinking of coming out to him though I would tread very carefully. Has he ever offered an opinion on any LGBT issues? If so was it positive, negative or neutral?

You want to say something to him but really I don't think it would go the way you hope. If you come out to him, regardless of his attitude, he may feel very awkward and uncomfortable because you slept naked in the same bed as him. I'm sure he can do the math just as you did. Also if you do come out to him and assuming he is understanding and supportive there is no guarantee anything would happen between you two, has he ever said/done anything that suggests he may not be completely heterosexual? Op to be honest this sounds like lust and we all know this can overwhelmingly cloud good judgement. There could be a maturity element to consider too, how much younger than you is he?

Have you any experience with guys? I'm sure the rural area you live in makes that difficult, but to be blunt the only remedy to a straight crush is to find another guy you care about that likes you back. It sounds cliched but if you do meet another guy, casually or longer term, your feelings for your friend will diminish over time and you won't feel so helpless around him. In the mean time if this is causing you so much confusion and awkwardness you should try to put a bit of distance between you two. That doesn't mean ignore him and I know you work with him but chatting to him on messenger for hours at a time after work is only causing you more anxiety. Pining for him, in the circumstances you have outlined, is not healthy because you're just reliving a fantasy.

You say you are not out, I take that to mean not out to anyone at all. Do you have any friends that you know are gay/bi? It really would help to have a friend to talk to about stuff like this.

LegacyUser

I'm 27,he's 23

Thanks I see what you mean
He's going to wonder if I reduce contact though and I don't know if I'm able
Fun illy enough I do give him a full on hug sometimes and he responds

2 people know I'm gay but they know him,I've spoken to one whose pretty much said what you did Ten
It's the greatest nuisance ever and you are right,telling him is a bad idea
In the first year we knew each other,he did mention gay a few times but always saying to each their own
Never since

cgcsb

I'm afraid it comes with the territory I'm afraid. Straight people feel the same about members of the opposite sex but they don't get as tantalisingly close in terms of friendships as gay folks do with straight crushes. It's a minefield. My advice is:

you won't always feel this way so don't get too upset

Say nothing to him about how you feel, nothing good will come from it, you'll hurt him and yourself by doing so. If you love him you'll want him to be happy and odds are he'll be happy with a woman not another man. Try to think of other things or other guys even.

Re being gay I think life's too short for you to pretend to be something you're not. If it comes up, just say it. It'll be a tremendous relief.

imme

".. can't be without him"
You say in your post.

But you're not with him.

I haven't seen that you've said that he's gay.
I don't get the impression from your post that he's gay.

It is up to you whether you're out, whether you tell people that you're gay.
Nobody can decide that for you.

Why was there only 1 bed in the room that you stayed in.

LegacyUser

Yeah I've a lot to think about
This has messed with my head
I'm half thinking about handing in my notice at work and just telling him why
That would take balls but either way something's got to give
What I didn't say is this is very stressful
On the one hand,I do think I love the guy and I know by how we get on that he cares a lot about me if you understand?

As ten said this lust is probably clouding my judgement so maybe I am making a big mistake but honestly this situation is gone to being as much horrible as it is me feeling really happy to love someone

Arrrrrrrgh !

J_E

This isn't going to happen for you. You need to take a deep breath and manage your expectations, or you will really hurt yourself. An unrequited crush is a universally relatable feeling, but you will find a relationship that does work and is both-sided in the future.

Locker10a

Im sorry to say it but all the other posters are right, Its a bad idea to tell him how you feel, you'll most likely loose him as a friend, embarrass yourself, be the talk of the shop(if not the town) and end up feeling ten times worse after it. 
Life is not a hollywood movie, or Netflix drama, so any hopes and dreams you have of him turning around and declaring his love for you too, and both of you being in a blissful relationship will quickly and crash and burn if you tell him what you've told us here. 
If he's a good looking lad living in rural Ireland then I can already guarantee you he's texting or sexting a girl as we type. And he will eventually end up in a relationship. And I'm afraid theres nothing you can do.

LegacyUser

Ah What you all said Was at the back of my mind too
When I wrote first it was sheer frustration
I've decided to hand in my notice,the plan is Australia for a year or two,I already know people down there
It's one of life's cruel things
My number one priority is me
Messaging stops today

Thanks everyone,I'll let you know how this is going in a few week
I wouldn't be in good form about it

Locker10a

Ladhol wrote: »

Ah What you all said Was at the back of my mind too
When I wrote first it was sheer frustration
I've decided to hand in my notice,the plan is Australia for a year or two,I already know people down there
It's one of life's cruel things
My number one priority is me
Messaging stops today

Thanks everyone,I'll let you know how this is going in a few week
I wouldn't be in good form about it

Best of luck with it, I wouldn't say it's necessary to go cold turkey on messaging, once you move on you'll find new distractions and it won't be so hard

LegacyUser

Update
Gave in notice,the boss trying his best to keep me
I have to get out of here as I'm physically sick around him and can barely eat
Most of the time now I'm out the yard rather than behind the counter

He of course has a new girlfriend ,it's a small town so there's no escaping
Getting out at the minute is more important than sorting out what I'll be doing after

Ten of Swords

Look after yourself anyway, this type of thing can take it's toll on your mental health. If you do leave your job make sure you put your time to good use or you will just find yourself thinking about him again and you'll be no better off than you were before. Best of luck