Slow moving boyfriend..help needed!

Maddy88

Looking for some relationship advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years and living together for two. We have discussed the future and know that eventually we will move to my boyfriend's home town where he is to take over his parent's farm. Not sure if the living arrangements will be to build or buy. We discussed this 2 or 3 years ago.

After renting for a year and rent started to rise, I tried to discuss making a decision on building or buying and our future, so that we could start to save. He made it clear this was a good few years down the line. I really felt renting was a waste of money and was in the position to buy by myself so I bought a house near where we rented. I was lucky to get a lovely house that we have both lived in since before the property prices rocketed. It's a great stepping stone which I'm prepared to sell in the future to build or buy a home near his parents.

I am feeling frustrated at the moment because I feel there is no movement from his end on a plan for our future. He is 35, I am 29. I feel that he should at least know if he wants to build or buy in the future but he seems to find decision making hard. If we were moving to my hometown, I know I would be doing a bit of research at the least. Things like planning permission and building can take years...He says there is plenty of time when we are married in a couple of years. We are at the stage now that there are lots of comments from people on getting engaged and married..."**** or get off the pot" is what my work colleagues say. He says everything will happen but I feel it will be left to the last minute, taking the good out of it. I know every relationship is different but it's hard not to compare when all your friends in relationships half the time are being proactive with their plans for the future. Am I flogging a dead horse?

lazybones32

You are flogging a dead horse by asking internet people what your bf thinks.

Maybe sit down and have a discussion with him, some evening that you both have time, and get some info from him. Use it to air your own desire for progress in these areas. You wrote that he has troubles making decisions...that might be all that's wrong.

I can only speculate.

redfox123

You seem to be doing all the planning and the pushing for discussion of a future. How often, if ever, has he brought the discussion up? You went ahead and bought without him and he's now living there, and he still won't engage in a conversation about what's next. Has he saved at all? If it was me I would have doubts he saw a future with me, and due to his inability to make decisions couldnt actually break up with me either. But that's just me, I probably would jump to that conclusion. And if I didn't want to accept that I would probably get busy making and bringing up future action plans to avoid the actual discussion of whether he truly wants me. Or at least discuss what it is that is really holding him back. It could also be he's feeling the pressure from you and that never works, it only will push him away.

Oh and for gods sake don't listen or compare yourself to others. It's such an awful Irish, keeping up with the joneses mentality, very off-putting. You need to talk to him, in a non pushy way, about your worries.

LegacyUser

How come you bought the house by yourself& not with him?
He's 35& thinks he has "plenty of time"? Allow 5 years to propose, get married, build the house,& before you know it he'll be 40 by the time he can even contemplate having kids.
After 5.5 years of dating you, including 2 years of living with you, he knows you about as well as can be expected, there are no real surprises to be had as to your character & personality. So he either wants to put a ring on it or he doesn't. *more* time won't make a blind bit of difference at this stage- he needs to move on, or move out .

Batgurl

OP - does he pay you rent or anything towards your mortgage? If he does (and it's a genuinely fair figure) then I'd say he is committed but probably a bit lazy or prone to procrastination in which case you'll need to have a serious chat with him to give him the kick he needs.

However if he's not, I'd be thinking he likes the easy ride he's getting and isn't keen to upset it just yet til he saves enough for his own deposit!

woodchuck

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're waiting around for him to make all the decisions. Have you thought at all about what you want? Are you happy to live in his home town? Would you prefer to build or buy? You need to have a conversation about all of this to make decisions together about your future, not just wait around until he makes the decisions.

If he's made it clear that this is all a good few years down the line, you need to make it clear that it'll take a good few years to save. So obviously you need to know what you're saving towards and come up with a plan together.

Sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the h0le tbh! A frank discussion about the future is definitely needed. Hopefully he's just a bit of a procrastinator and there's not another reason he's putting it on the long finger...

witchgirl26

OP to be completely honest, ignore what others are saying and doing. What is it you want? And if you know that, sit down and have a conversation with him about it. I'm with my OH 6 years and living together almost 5 of those and there's no sign of a ring or marriage. People have made comments and to be honest they can go jump over them as it's our relationship and we'll do it our way. If you aren't happy with it though, then it is up to you to change it. I wanted us to move in together so I suggested it, I didn't wait for him. You're only flogging a dead horse if you don't see a future in the relationship.

I think there might be some other factors coming in to play that maybe aren't in your post. I suppose the move down to his hometown & taking over the farm could be completely dependent on how old/able his parents are. If they don't need him on the farm & there isn't much other employment for him or you readily available down there then there isn't much point in moving down at the moment.

As for the build or buy - myself and my OH have been on the merry-go-round of "do up" or "buy new" with our house for the past 2 years and both of us changing all the time on it. It's not as straightforward as just making the decision. There's a lot of factors at play that might mean he's not sure which the best option actually is.

Realistically there is only one way to really know where things lie with the two of you and that's to have a conversation with him about it. And from experience, don't do it when you're both tired or annoyed as that won't be productive. And don't put it all on him to move things forward. From your OP you didn't do that when buying the house yourself so don't slip into doing it now. There are 2 of you in the relationship and both should be working towards the future although maybe in slightly different ways.

LegacyUser

Has anybody thought to ask him if he actually wants to take over the farm and move home? Have you considered that maybe he's happy where he is and the build v buy is irrelevant as either represents a trap to him? Perhaps he has no interest in taking over the farm and just doesn't know how to tell his parents.

rcarroll

Hey,
You had the conversation about your future a while back, he was non-commital then...you went ahead and sorted out your own life, getting a house and committing to him by sharing it with him. So far he hasn't made any move to commit back. He's 35, happy to get married 'in a few years' and after that, consider buying a house....after so long together, you have a right to ask for a more concrete plan. He also has a right to not want to discuss it/be scared/avoid it. It's then up to you to decide if you want to continue to wait or not. It really is worth having a few tough conversations, not just one blow up or one half hearted approach, but try to feel him out and see what his thinking is, how he feels - if it's a case of just not having thought about it up till now, which in my experience, it very well could be the case, find that out. You have to find out why he's not committing and work from there: it could be the case he's assuming you'll do all the concrete plans and is happy to go along with it, it could be he's scared and needs reassurance, maybe he's not keen on moving to his homeplace, it could be, and I'd hate it if it's the case, but you also have to be ready and prepared for it - it could be that he's just not that keen on taking the next step. Unfortunately, it happens time and again that one person is happy to cruise (usually the guy) and when push comes to shove, bails. Either way, it's really worth digging into it and coming up with either a plan that works for both on both your timescales, or finding someone willing to commit.

Obvious Otter

Maddy88 wrote: »

Looking for some relationship advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years and living together for two. We have discussed the future and know that eventually we will move to my boyfriend's home town where he is to take over his parent's farm. Not sure if the living arrangements will be to build or buy. We discussed this 2 or 3 years ago.

After renting for a year and rent started to rise, I tried to discuss making a decision on building or buying and our future, so that we could start to save. He made it clear this was a good few years down the line. I really felt renting was a waste of money and was in the position to buy by myself so I bought a house near where we rented. I was lucky to get a lovely house that we have both lived in since before the property prices rocketed. It's a great stepping stone which I'm prepared to sell in the future to build or buy a home near his parents.

I am feeling frustrated at the moment because I feel there is no movement from his end on a plan for our future. He is 35, I am 29. I feel that he should at least know if he wants to build or buy in the future but he seems to find decision making hard. If we were moving to my hometown, I know I would be doing a bit of research at the least. Things like planning permission and building can take years...He says there is plenty of time when we are married in a couple of years. We are at the stage now that there are lots of comments from people on getting engaged and married..."**** or get off the pot" is what my work colleagues say. He says everything will happen but I feel it will be left to the last minute, taking the good out of it. I know every relationship is different but it's hard not to compare when all your friends in relationships half the time are being proactive with their plans for the future. Am I flogging a dead horse?

Your work colleagues sound like a right horrible bunch. Also, what is the point in making a plan to build or buy now when he's made it very clear that it's not happening for a few years at which point the housing market could have drastically changed.

It seems like any planning on his part would simply be to put your mind at ease when the reality is that the market could drastically changed by the time you actually move.

You seem very impatient. Stop making comparisons and if you're not happy waiting around for your boyfriend to make a reasonable decision then you should move on.

I would understand if you were looking to move in the next year or two but it seems a bit more medium term than that.

amtc

Ah c'mon...impatient after 5 and a half years,! He sounds just all not bothered!

Obvious Otter

amtc wrote: »

Ah c'mon...impatient after 5 and a half years,! He sounds just all not bothered!

He clearly stated that this isn't something that is going to happen in the short term. Sure, he should have some idea of what he actually wants to do but tying yourself to a plan 5 years away isn't something that is reasonable feasible considering the state of the housing market in Ireland.

What if he says he wants to build now and then buy in 5 years when you view what is actually available in the area in terms of houses and land? If it was in the next year or two I'd understand but getting worked up over something that is half a decade away is pretty pointless.

The **** or get off the pot is a typical mentality in Ireland unfortauntely. Let's rush into every decision...

woodchuck

Obvious Otter, regardless of whether they decide to build or buy, they've still going to need money either way! It can take years to save enough money for a deposit and extra to furnish the house etc. So it's not unreasonable to want to come up with some sort of plan for the future. Not down to fine details such as "I want this house in this estate", but they should have some sort of financial plan for how much they each need to save every year so they can afford to buy or build down the line. There's no point deciding you're ready for something and then having to wait years on top of that because you don't have the savings!

witchgirl26

amtc wrote: »

Ah c'mon...impatient after 5 and a half years,! He sounds just all not bothered!

I wouldn't say that - a lot of people would say that about my OH after 6 years. He's bothered but just has different ideas to mine on timelines for things and priorities (house v wedding v having kids v having good hols) than I would. We talk about it though and come up with what suits us.

woodchuck wrote: »

Obvious Otter, regardless of whether they decide to build or buy, they've still going to need money either way! It can take years to save enough money for a deposit and extra to furnish the house etc. So it's not unreasonable to want to come up with some sort of plan for the future. Not down to fine details such as "I want this house in this estate", but they should have some sort of financial plan for how much they each need to save every year so they can afford to buy or build down the line. There's no point deciding you're ready for something and then having to wait years on top of that because you don't have the savings!

There's nothing in the OP that suggests he doesn't have savings though. I wouldn't have any plans towards marriage or a house 8 years ago but I was still putting money aside. Same with most people I know. The OP seems more concerned with him not making decisions on these things rather than not having the savings to back up those decisions.

woodchuck

witchgirl26 wrote: »

There's nothing in the OP that suggests he doesn't have savings though.

This suggests it pretty strongly:

After renting for a year and rent started to rise, I tried to discuss making a decision on building or buying and our future, so that we could start to save.

She wouldn't need to suggest starting to save if he was already doing so.

witchgirl26

woodchuck wrote: »

She wouldn't need to suggest starting to save if he was already doing so.

But there's nothing saying he wasn't saving and maybe she wasn't aware. It wasn't until my OH was purchasing our first house that I was aware of how much he had in savings because as long as rent & bills were paid, what he did with his money was up to him.

Realistically though all of this is speculation and what needs to happen is a conversation between them in regards where they see their future, some plans as to what they'd both like and when and what savings are needed from both to achieve that. He may have loads squirrelled away, the OP may have loads or both have none or one has some.

George Sunsnow

One of my friends was going out with his Gf for 14 years (living together for 8) before he proposed
At 50 now they've 5 kids very settled and are very happy

Op why are you listening to work colleagues telling you what to do?
They're not in the bed with you and your boyfriend
Relax,enjoy your life together,things will fall into place when they're meant to
Frustration at time is a fear
Fear of time is an enemy