Issues with sex/women

LegacyUser

I'm a 29 year old man and ever since my first sexual experience at 17 I've had anxiety when it comes to getting intimate with someone. The issue may stem from something that happened prior to this, but there are no significant events that come to mind...
Typically whenever I meet someone, it takes a few attempts for things to click in the bedroom (i.e. I can't get/maintain an erection and I feel incredibly nervous). Generally things improve after a few attempts and everything works fine, so I'm sure that the issue isn't physical. I can't just have a casual relationship or a one-night-stand though; I always end up getting very emotionally involved with the person just to get to the point where we can have sex - I recently came across the term 'demi-sexual', which refers to a person who needs and emotional/intellectual connection be turned on, but I really would rather not label myself.

I am so insanely envious of people who can just go out, meet someone and hook up; then just get up and leave the next day after having a bit of fun with somebody they fancy. I obviously know that it's not always like that in the real world, but I really feel like I don't belong because of my inability to do this. I have friends who go abroad and have a fling or whatever and I honestly just feel so bad about myself every time I hear about it.
It also makes it difficult in my own relationships as I often end up envying the person I'm dating and sometimes resenting them for doing something so easily that I just can't do.

I realise that much of this might come across as a non-issue to some readers, but it is something that has so deeply affected my confidence and self-esteem. I really feel like I can't move my life forward unless I can resolve this problem.

I have been to therapy for this, and I never felt like it was helping me. I will likely go back to try again though.

Any advice is welcome of course, but I would be particularly interested to hear from anyone who might have had the same/similar issues - please tell me how you view yourself and the world around you; I'm confident that I just need to change my perspective on things, but for whatever reason I can't get past this.

Tokyo

From the tone of your post, it sounds like you are putting yourself under an insane amount of pressure to be able to perform at will. And while I'm not an expert on this, I think it’s a reasonable assumption that the more pressure a guy puts on himself to perform, the more he’s stuck in his own head, the less likely he’ll be able to perform. Which seems to be the case here.

You've obviously had relationships in the past, so why are you putting yourself under such pressure to have one night stands? Sex, and everything that surrounds it isn't a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, and from the sounds of it you've found what works for you - a close emotional connection before sleeping with somebody.

Far more concerning in your post is what you describe as 'insane envy' to the point where you resent the partner you are with - I'd imagine that's far more destructive to your emotional well-being than the inability to have a one-night stand. Not to mention being completely unfair on any partner you bring into your life.

I would suggest going back to your therapist again, or of you found that the last therapist didn't work, perhaps finding someone else, and talking through these issues.

Airyfairy12

Youd be surprised how common your problem is, as a woman having been intimate with men when it came down to it allot of them had difficulty. Ive never judged the guys for it. It happens...
As for your friends gloating about one night stands and flings. One thing that ive learned about quite allot of men from being friends with them, dating them ect is that they exaggerate and even straight up lie about women they've slept with and sexual experiences theyve supposedly had. I wouldnt be taking everything your friends say to heart.
You said youre resentful of your partners for having it so easy? this is when your situation becomes toxic, you cant blame others or hate them for your issues. Everybody has problems they have to deal with, its unfair to shift negative feelings onto another person because you have a problem that they dont have. This will only cause you more stress and anxiety and is really only hurting yourself more.

Could you try CBT or go to a sex therapist? Otherwise all you can do is take your time getting to know someone and become comfortable around them before you initiate sex.

Bambi985

One night stands and casual hook-ups are massively overrated. I'm a bit like you OP in that I need an emotional connection beyond "he's hot, let's get to it" to jump to the bedroom side of things. Unlike men, the mechanics for us women are less complicated so it never held me back physically but I'd say years of casual hook-ups damaged me quite a bit emotionally and held me back in other ways.

I think not having the "option" to do the casual thing is probably what's making that option seem more enticing than the actual reality of it. That and lads talk shyte with this stuff too, as another poster mentioned. The guys that talk the most are getting it the least IME so take all that bravado macho stuff with a pinch of salt!

For what it's worth too, after years of casual dating I'd always give bonus points to a guy who wasn't trying to get in my pants in 0.5 seconds and who wanted to invest time getting to know me and building a rapport before the relationship became sexual, and I'd say most women would say the same.

I do think it'd be a huge help to you to find a good sex therapist though, as it appears to be something that's causing you a lot of stress which is likely to be exacerbating the problem.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I am very much putting way too much pressure on myself - it's as if I know what the problem is, but I can't let it go. I want to stop looking for a solution and be free of this anxiety but I'm weirdly afraid that if I stop trying to fix it that I'll end up in a numb depression. Like this has taken over my thoughts so much that it's what drives me forwards. That sounds silly, but it is what it is.

I'm aware of the fact that this envyIi develop is totally toxic, and it certainly has made my life difficult. It's completely unfair to put that on anyone, but it's just something that I can't seem to shift - I wish I knew why. I know that these feelings/thoughts are poisonous but I can't convince my brain to put it to one side - it's as though I'm looking for some grand solution to it all, even though that doesn't exist.

The thing is, I often end up in a relationship when I don't necessarily want one. I do enjoy getting to know someone and when sex happens it's usually very good. I feel as though I'm leading them on though. Like if I could just enjoy one night with someone and play the field a bit, I reckon I'd have a better idea of the type of person I'm looking for. The way things are, I have to date someone for a minimum of 2 months before things really click in the bedroom. It's often been the case where the girl seems to be more into me than I am into her, as I've had to really invest myself to make a connection. I know that sounds very big-headed, but it's just how it feels to me.
I suppose I just have to be honest with myself and end things if I'm not really 100% into it. It's hard to do that when I've had to let so much feelings become involved - I just end up in a place where I move from one relationship into another. A lot of people seem to be able to go out and hook up with a randomer after a break up to boost their ego or whatever. I can't do that.
This pressure puts me off chatting anyone up on a night out, and I tend to act really distant and uninterested if anyone approaches me as I just couldn't face the prospect of another "failure to launch" and/or a few months of getting attached before I feel like I want to break up.

I realise this reads as a bunch of contradictory ramblings; I find it hard to put into words exactly how my mind works. Writing it out like this is helping I think - it gives me a little bit of focus.

redfox123

You are actually what women want. Well, most I would think. So you are at an advantage. But you're not focusing on that, you're focusing on trying to be like other guys. Which doesn't make sense in terms of yourhappiness or your success in getting with a woman and being in a successful relationship that fulfills you. I would appreciate knowing a man doesn't want just sex. Women are on their guard for fear thats what he's like. And many just go and do it thinking they're all the same and assume that's what he wants.
So if you're with someone don't rush into bed, if you're not ready. Take things as slowly as you want. If you feel pressured then she may not be for you. Communicate to her that you like to get to know her first. She will appreciate it. But also show her you are attracted to her in other ways; your words, affection and attention etc. Being comfortable with who you, especially if you're different, is so attractive.

eleventh

I always end up getting very emotionally involved with the person just to get to the point where we can have sex - I recently came across the term 'demi-sexual', which refers to a person who needs and emotional/intellectual connection be turned on, but I really would rather not label myself.

Agree very much on the not-labelling. It seems that what is balanced and healthy here has been given a label, while a person who looks for sex just for physical gratification, devoid of emotional connection, is given no label - implying that this is what's healthy. (I wonder sometimes who is in charge of coming up with these).

Which would you rather be, OP - someone who has no issue with forming a deep, emotional connection and long-term relationship, or someone who finds such connection difficult, going instead from person to person for sex, unable to commit to anyone ?

Bambi985

I'm confused. In your OP you described your need for getting to know someone on an emotional level, mentioning this "demi-sexual" thing as how you'd describe yourself, but in your latest post you're talking about falling into relationships being a problem and having to force yourself to feel these connections in order to have sex.

Is it that you WANT the casual flings and one night stands but your performance anxiety is holding you back from them? Or that you want to get to know a lady on a deeper level before anything physical happens, but doing so leads down the path of starting a relationship that you don't want?

If it's the former, I'd say this is something you'll need to talk to a professional about. Performance anxiety is certainly not uncommon but if it's causing you this much angst and preventing you from interacting with women, then it's something you need to deal with head on. If it's the latter and you want to swerve the relationships, then you're going to have to go in with a full disclosure that you're not looking for anything serious before the two-month dance into the leaba ensues. Usually when a guy holds off on the physical stuff for that kind of duration, a woman is going to think he's not all about getting laid and moving on. Certainly any long-term relationship I've found myself in has been characterised by this kind of getting-to-know-each-other period and I wouldn't have invested as much of myself into them if I felt it was just their way of getting comfortable enough with me to have sex before high-tailing it out the door. A bit of self-awareness is going to be key here.

LegacyUser

@Bambi985

You've pretty much summed it up with:

"Is it that you WANT the casual flings and one night stands but your performance anxiety is holding you back from them?"

Yes, this is what I want. On one hand I'm glad that I'm able to form bonds and connect emotionally with people; it's something that I like about myself. It's just that I have this deep desire to want to let loose and have casual sex. I don't think I'll really be totally comfortable in my own skin until I fulfill this need, or until I've stopped caring about it so much. I've tried the latter option (I really have), but it's been a decade now that I've had this hang up, and it's just not going away.

You also said:

"If it's the latter and you want to swerve the relationships, then you're going to have to go in with a full disclosure that you're not looking for anything serious before the two-month dance into the leaba ensues"

I know what you mean there, and I can't imagine that would be a nice thing to say to someone (even though it may be true). What usually happens is not that I wait for 2 months to get to know the person before getting intimate - rather I'd go to bed with them within a week or less and things wouldn't go well, but I'd stay in touch and we'd give it another bash. This could go on for a couple of months, by which time I've ended up getting to know them quite well and have developed feelings for them, but I don't think I genuinely want them as a girlfriend. I don't know if that's any clearer actually....
If I didn't persevere like this I don't think I'd actually ever have had sex (probably not true, but that's how my brain seems to work). This sometimes works out okay, and I end up dating the person for a while, but then the old feelings of the need for a casual fling come back, which is often the beginning of a very messy end.

Just this weekend I ended a 6 month relationship (not very serious, but certainly not entirely casual). I'm committed to staying single for a spell and trying to figure myself out a bit. I would just love to know that I could go out and meet somebody to just mess around with for one night without risking taking things further. Honestly it's just been one relationship after another for the last 7 years - I need time on my own, but I also don't want to become completely abstinent to do it.

I will certainly be going back to therapy, I just need to find someone who's the right fit for me.

Also thanks to eleventh, redfox123, Airyfairy12, and mike_ie. It feels good to get this out there and your responses have definitely helped me see things from a different perspective.