Possibly regretful of getting married

Coolusername33

Bit of a dilemma, any advice appreciated! Got married over a year ago. Husband was unfaithful a couple of times and while we were engaged and I buried my head in the sand and got on with life. Got married, me and my family paid for wedding as he couldn't save a bean but had no problem going out with mates at weekend. Even gave him spending money for honeymoon. All my own fault, completely guilty of that. As time has gone on, I find myself regretting marrying him now, although he was stupid and young I guess he is a good person but I'm not anyway attracted to him. I find myself getting flirty with other men on nights out but that's as far as it goes. I was on holiday without him and met another guy who I connected with straight away and pretty much fell for. Now nothing happened but it's really made me question the whole thing. I've never been unfaithful but I sometimes look at hubby and think I've settled and if I could talk to the youn(ish) girl a few years ago when I first found out about his cheating I'd tell myself to value yourself more and be brave. But now here I am mid 30's, questioning it all. We have no kids yet although I would like them eventually.. I do get on really well with hubby, we go for nice meals etc and his company is good but I feel something is missing like the physical attraction/chemistry is missing.Anybody in similar circumstances? Or anyone offer advice? Is the devil I know better. Should I stay?

Riskymove

Coolusername33 wrote: »

Is the devil I know better. Should I stay?

NO

You are married only a short time.....can you really expect to feel like this and live like this for the rest of your life?

I think you realise now what you should have done differently....it is not too late to make a change

LegacyUser

Personally I can't imagine having the slightest respect for someone who behaved like that towards me and I can't imagine staying with someone I had no respect for. That would be the end of the argument for me. If you need another reason not to stay, you say you want kids; how do you think he'll be when they come along? Better, more useful, suddenly mature? Or the same as he always has been? I know what my money's on. Mid 30's is old to be starting again in your head, judging by the way you say it, but assuming you live until old age, could you put up with someone who you clearly don't love for the next 30, 40, 50 years?

Ms Doubtfire1

Leave. you are cheating yourself and him out of a happier life. you will split up eventually anyway. Better do it now

Coolusername33

Thanks for your replies. I guess I'm just worried what the future holds for me. In general we get on great but I'm quite a passionate person and I just can't feel it for him possibly as he chipped at my respect for him over a period of years.

Coolusername33

Thanks for your replies. I guess I'm just worried what the future holds for me. In general we get on great but I'm quite a passionate person and I just can't feel it for him possibly as he chipped at my respect for him over a period of years.

Airyfairy12

Dont bring kids into this horrible situation. You dont love each other, youre close(ish) friends at best. Did you get married just for the sake of it? Or because society says you should get married and have kids? Being single has to be a thousand times better than this.

If you are only a year into the marriage and already having doubts, then cut you losses now and start again. Being stuck in a loveless marriage for years will make you miserable and is no way to live your life.
There is no guarantee that he will change his cheating ways either. Will become especially more relevant if you start having a baby with him.

Sephiroth_dude

He didn't contribute anything too the wedding and he's cheated? Leave and don't look back.

Coolusername33

I think I got caught up in the wedding planning and it railroaded from there to be honest. He denied the cheating and even though there was texts to say otherwise I so wanted to believe that it wasn't true at that time I just got on with it. Plus I didn't tell a soul about it so I didn't talk to anyone. Oh hindsight! I do love him but just in that special way.

Coolusername33

Coolusername33 wrote: »

I think I got caught up in the wedding planning and it railroaded from there to be honest. He denied the cheating and even though there was texts to say otherwise I so wanted to believe that it wasn't true at that time I just got on with it. Plus I didn't tell a soul about it so I didn't talk to anyone. Oh hindsight! I do love him but just in that special way.

Just not in that special way I meant.

Maggiemay13

Coolusername33 wrote: »

Bit of a dilemma, any advice appreciated! Got married over a year ago. Husband was unfaithful a couple of times and while we were engaged and I buried my head in the sand and got on with life. Got married, me and my family paid for wedding as he couldn't save a bean but had no problem going out with mates at weekend. Even gave him spending money for honeymoon. All my own fault, completely guilty of that. As time has gone on, I find myself regretting marrying him now, although he was stupid and young I guess he is a good person but I'm not anyway attracted to him. I find myself getting flirty with other men on nights out but that's as far as it goes. I was on holiday without him and met another guy who I connected with straight away and pretty much fell for. Now nothing happened but it's really made me question the whole thing. I've never been unfaithful but I sometimes look at hubby and think I've settled and if I could talk to the youn(ish) girl a few years ago when I first found out about his cheating I'd tell myself to value yourself more and be brave. But now here I am mid 30's, questioning it all. We have no kids yet although I would like them eventually.. I do get on really well with hubby, we go for nice meals etc and his company is good but I feel something is missing like the physical attraction/chemistry is missing.Anybody in similar circumstances? Or anyone offer advice? Is the devil I know better. Should I stay?

Hi OP. Your post is sad to read, but don't feel alone. There is, without doubt, many couples who find themselves in the exact same position as you. It is very easy to get carried along with the planning and excitement of a wedding, almost forgetting about the reality of marriage once the day has come and gone.

You have two choices really. You could talk very frankly with your husband. Explain the underlying issues affecting your marriage and both of you work very hard to see if you have something to salvage and something that both of you are willing to work and fight for. But, you BOTH would need to be willing to do this. Many people have had very positive experiences with couples counselling for example.

Or, you may decide that ultimately the marriage was fundamentally a mistake for you, and that in your heart of hearts you want out. If this is the case, this road will seem very daunting. But with support from family and/or friends there is nothing you can't overcome.

There is no right or wrong answer here. But what you do deserve in life is happiness and fulfilment.
Best wishes, Maggie

eviltwin

You never should have married him in the first place but just because you did doesn't mean you are under any obligation to try and make it work. It sounds like you would be wasting your time. I'd get out, you deserve so much better. Don't stay out of embarrassment or because you are worried about how it looks, we all make mistakes. It would be an even greater one to stay with someone who makes you unhappy.

Yellow pack crisps

Time to value yourself and your needs. I bet if you could you would walk out that door right now but the same awful reasons you married are the same awful reasons you're staying.

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like you married someone for the sake of a wedding

And are considering having kids for the sake of having kids

Pretty sad really

Unless you have love you have nothing.

What good is a wedding. Its a sham marriage.

Get out. Go live YOUR life. Not some hallmark holiday invention

Atlantic Dawn

Leave before you have kids and it becomes a proper mess.

stuboy01

OP - Mid 30's is YOUNG. Believe me.
you have you're whole life ahead of you, you have plenty of time to find someone who you respect and who respects you.

groovyg

Whats the line marry in haste repent at leisure, I work with somebody who did this but brought a kid into the mix, kid was born 9th months after they got married, marriage ended a few weeks later don't think they even made the 1st wedding anniversary. Its a complete s*** storm now, in and out of court all the time over minute things. They can't agree on anything. My colleague would have been better off going to SIMS and getting a donor egg it would saved her a lot of problems down the line.

Ursus Horribilis

Someone I know ended her marriage roughly 18 months in. She was in her late twenties at the time. She has since remarried and is expecting her second child with this husband. So there is life after divorce. I'm not saying it's a guarantee but maybe it's a better alternative than what you're facing into.

Bandana boy

God everybody is very harsh.
For certain put kids on hold until you are certain what you want to do.
Lots of people can have cold feet before and just after a marriage , I think you need perspective to think through what your next steps are .
Can you get a reason to take a weeks break away on your own , is this your head being turned by another man or are you falling out of love .
Only you can truly answer and once you answer that the course of action to take will become clear.

professore

This guy's being cheating on her, and she's already not attracted to him. OP you need to get our ASAP, you have no kids so it's easy. Once you have a kid you will be stuck at home while he's out having fun with his women. Is that what you want?

professore

This guy's being cheating on her, and she's already not attracted to him. OP you need to get our ASAP, you have no kids so it's easy. Once you have a kid you will be stuck at home while he's out having fun with his women. Is that what you want?

Ursus Horribilis

If your husband has a track record of cheating, chances are he'll do it again. Being engaged didn't stop him so I don't suppose being married will be much of a deterrent.

redfox123

stuboy01 wrote: »

OP - Mid 30's is YOUNG. Believe me.
you have you're whole life ahead of you, you have plenty of time to find someone who you respect and who respects you.

This, this, this!! Is the reason so many (women especially) stay in truly AWFUL marriages. They think they won't meet someone because of their age, and it seems absolutely everyone else has their sh*t together; married, house, kids. And they would rather move forward with a sham than admit to themselves or others that they don't in fact love their partner, and it is indeed a sham.
You can say all the excuses you can come up with, he's not that bad, we're good friends etc etc, but underneath it all you're avoiding reality. He cheated, and you don't love him in that way. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
But R.I would be a far far emptier forum if people just didn't have this fear of age, and being alone.

Bambi985

Nail on the head in the above post. Read that again and again and again OP. It's so true. It's so scary to be facing life alone and the prospect of starting again when you're a woman in your mid 30s. Never mind navigating the legal minefield of a separation and divorce.

But my god, a little bit of hardship now is going to save your life, your sanity and your happiness for the next few decades. I know how hard it is to see everyone around you settling into seemingly perfect relationships with perfect houses and perfect families and it's hard to throw away your own shot at that when you technically like your husband and could technically tolerate him. But you know this gut feeling that it's not right and it's never going to be right and he's not the man for you is never going to go away. My god the suffering I've seen people go through trying to ignore that gut instinct - infidelity, substance abuse, food addiction, depression, children that would grow up with no example of what a functional relationship is - it's all around us. And you could easily mosey on passed this gut feeling too but it will never really go away - will it? You've lost all trust and respect for him, despite how much you love or care for him. There's no romantic feelings there, there's just a stalemate.

Listen, I'm not going to advise you to walk away from your marriage because life is not as easy as that and whatever you decide to do has real-life consequences that it's too easy for us anonymous advice-givers to ignore. I know the sadness and the hardship and the overwhelming feelings of loss and heartbreak that go with these decisions all too well. But give yourself the best chance here. Don't gloss over the feelings anymore. Take out a pen and sketch out how you see your life with and without this guy. You are too young and important to be lazy and resigned about your own future here.

You'll get through this either way

lazybones32

Do you want to build a life with this man? It is redeemable but only if you both want it. A successful and happy marriage is the result of work, rather than compatible personalities or one who excites you.

I'm guessing that he proposed but was it at your insistence OP? Were you the one pressing for the marriage? Your husband is getting a lot of flak here, with his behaviour being cited as justification for you leaving but you knew this and still married him.

A brutally honest discussion is required between the two of you. Both of you need to be quite open about whether you want to remain married.

TheBlock

I would advise you leave for his sake as well as yours. You're not happy as evidenced by this thread and he's not happy as evidenced by his cheating. I split from my first wife very soon after our wedding, it was what was right for both of us. We're both happily remarried and have families. Sometimes people make mistakes the biggest one is not to try and correct it.

LegacyUser

I'm in the leave camp too.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is no disgrace to get married to the wrong man. Correct the mistake now, while it's just about you two.

I know a woman who was in a very similar situation to you, she ended the marriage and started again and is now very happily married with children. Ending the first marriage made no difference to her future, nor her career or love life. It was a mistake, correct it and move on.

Best of luck.