Rape Crisis Centre advice

erica74

Hi all, I need some advice and I'm hoping someone can help.
I would rather not go into the whole story, plus, I am typing this on my phone.
I was sexually abused by my brother when I was a child. It recently was confirmed to me, something I had suspected for a long time, that my sister was also abused by my brother. I had always thought this but had never been sure and we never discussed it.

In addition to this, we grew up with a mother who had and still has severe mental health issues and my dad is an alcoholic.
Funnily enough, my dad never mistreated us, he and my mother used to roar and scream and go at each other but my dad never mistreated us, other than the fact that he was never really around as he was always in the pub.
My mother physically, verbally and mentally abused us for our whole lives and still does. The worst thing about my mother is that she doesn't accept she's not mentally well and therefore, will not get help with her problems.

So, all in all, my childhood was pretty shite.
I have never really told anybody about my brother abusing me. When I was 15, I told my boyfriend at the time and he was weirded out by it. I hated him for a long time but I can understand now how hard it must have been for him to get his head around it, he was only 15 too.
So after that happened, I kept this secret locked away. I didn't tell anyone for years. When I met my now husband, I told him very early on in our relationship but we never really discussed it in length. It's a difficult thing to discuss sex abuse with your sexual partner, it's hard to know where the boundaries of the discussion are.

Then 2 years ago I had an event happen in my life, it wasn't anything to do with the sex abuse I suffered. I'd prefer not to go into the details of this event but when it happened, I went through a period of about 6 weeks of mental anguish and I don't think I ever recovered properly from that. I also think that that mental anguish damaged the part of my brain that was keeping my secrets. It just felt like, all of a sudden, my brain couldn't keep the secrets in anymore.
I do know that keeping the secrets locked away wasn't healthy either but I had always kind of told myself, one day I'll let the secrets out, but when that event happened, it was like my brain couldn't keep things locked away anymore.
I have read a bit about "triggering events", which may not necessarily be related to the original event and I think this may be what happened with the event I experienced 2 years ago.

So since that event 2 years ago, everything has gradually seeped into my brain more and more. In the past 9 months, I told my closest friend for the first time, someone I have been friends with for 10 years. I have also just been thinking about it all more and more.
More recently though, things have started running like a freight train. My sister and I, separately and together, have disclosed this to certain members of our family and extended family and medical professionals.

My sister has been having psychiatric appointments in relation to same and a report has been made to Tusla about my brother.

Yesterday, I told my own GP for the first time. It was extremely difficult to do and it is too soon yet to know if it was helpful to my mental state. My GP mentioned the gardai. My GP mentioned speaking to the Rape Crisis Centre.
I am just all in a jumble about what to do, what is the next step.
I have serious difficulty letting this out. I have a problem with trusting people and I have a problem with opening myself up and making myself vulnerable.

Can anyone offer me any advice?
What happens when I contact the Rape Crisis Centre?
What would happen to my brother if I involved the gardai?
I'm just really confused and scared and anxious about it all.

LegacyUser

erica74 wrote: »

What happens when I contact the Rape Crisis Centre? .

I can promise you that you will get help. I would urge you to make the call, it would be a great first step for you.

erica74 wrote: »

What would happen to my brother if I involved the gardai? .

You're a bit away from anything "happening" to your brother. For anything to "happen" it would need you to make a formal complaint, an investigation to happen, evidence to be found if possible, statements taken etc. But, DO NOT let that be a factor in deciding whether to contact the RCC, you can contact them and them alone and after you contact them and perhaps seek legal advice, then you can consider a complaint. You don't need to do it all at once unless you feel that's the way forward for you.

erica74 wrote: »

I'm just really confused and scared and anxious about it all.

Of course you are and go easy on yourself, it's natural that you'd feel that way. Start with that call to the RCC and some of those fears will start to resolve.

eviltwin

Well done on telling your GP, that took a lot of courage.

Re the RCC, what happens next is entirely up to you. They can offer therapy on a one to one basis if you wish or can just offer support over the phone. No one will try and pressure you either way. There will be a waiting list anyway.

I definitely would recommend calling them. You don't have to go into any more details than is comfortable, it can take a few calls to get to the point where you feel able to go there.

I'm an abuse survivor myself and I didn't get help until my twenties. I was terrified but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It wasn't easy and after that first call you will feel completely drained but it's a huge step forward towards healing.

The staff are all trained and there is nothing you can do or say they won't be able to handle.

Regards your brother, legally because this happened when you were a child there is a legal obligation to make a report if you pass over identifying information ie a full name, address etc, either yours or his. Your first name and phone number aren't classed as identifying information so calling the RCC is safe. No one will pressure you into reporting and tbh it's really too early to even think about that yet. Your first step should be to get your story out and then you can look at the bigger picture.

The only thing I would say, if you think your brother has access to children, is to consider making a report.

erica74

It's probably stupid but I'm trying to work up the courage to even ring the RCC. What do I even say. How do I start this conversation. I'll have to find a quiet place to do it. Maybe on Saturday evening. How long can I stay on the phone.
My head is fried.

pc7

I am so sorry you went through such an awful ordeal and held it in so long too. You can stay on the phone with the RCC as long as you want and need too. There are specially trained and will listen to all you have to say, no matter how much or how little.
Please be kind to yourself x

retro:electro

Hi Erica. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're very brave to write it all down there, it can't have been easy. Just know that this sudden resurgence of things you had kept repressed for so long can only be a good thing. You are now an adult and are far more emotionally equipped to deal with this than you were as a child. When something like this happens as a child, your body and mind go into protective mode and try and shelter you from your experience.

You need to look after you now, and you need to move forward with the rest of your life with as much comfort as possible. I'd do as your GP suggested and contact RCC. They'll not suggest you do anything you're uncomfortable with going forward- the ball is always in your court. If you are uncomfortable or awkward about opening up the conversation just let them know this. They are trained and are well used to people not knowing how to open up.
Once again I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've seen your posts around here and you seem like a lovely person, I wish you all the best in moving forward.

neonsofa

erica74 wrote: »

It's probably stupid but I'm trying to work up the courage to even ring the RCC. What do I even say. How do I start this conversation. I'll have to find a quiet place to do it. Maybe on Saturday evening. How long can I stay on the phone.
My head is fried.

The great thing about RCC is you don't need to know what to say. You just ring and say you need to talk but don't know what to say, they will look after the rest. You only need to do the first step and ring them. They are so helpful and calming. Don't stress over how to start the conversation, just ring and let them know you're nervous and they'll guide you. Best of luck and well done.

eviltwin

erica74 wrote: »

It's probably stupid but I'm trying to work up the courage to even ring the RCC. What do I even say. How do I start this conversation. I'll have to find a quiet place to do it. Maybe on Saturday evening. How long can I stay on the phone.
My head is fried.

You can stay as long as you like on the phone although an hour is probably a good limit, it gets very tiring at that point and you will have a lot of stuff to process. You don't have to say anything, you can go into your story straight away or slowly over a few phone calls. The helpline operators may ask you some questions but won't push you beyond what you feel ready to talk about. The first step is dialing the number, even if you hang up without saying anything its a huge step forward in breaking the hold this has on you. Definitely do it when its quiet and no one can disturb you.

neonsofa

eviltwin wrote: »

You can stay as long as you like on the phone although an hour is probably a good limit, it gets very tiring at that point and you will have a lot of stuff to process. You don't have to say anything, you can go into your story straight away or slowly over a few phone calls. The helpline operators may ask you some questions but won't push you beyond what you feel ready to talk about. The first step is dialing the number, even if you hang up without saying anything its a huge step forward in breaking the hold this has on you. Definitely do it when its quiet and no one can disturb you.

All of this is just so helpful. Really good advice there op.

erica74

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I'm on my phone so can't multi quote (which is fucking stupid by the way!) but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone.
I have resolved to ring the Rape Crisis Centre on Saturday evening.
I hope I don't chicken out, I have an awful hard time opening up to anyone.
Bleurgh is how my stomach feels.

Thanks again everyone.

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toadfly

Hope you managed to make the call OP and that it went well

erica74

I chickened out. It's hard to even understand why.
I'm going to try again tonight.
Knowing that there is a freephone national number and it's 24 hours is giving me a bit more courage.
I think I am afraid of ringing the local number my GP gave me in case the person I speak to knows me. I just hate to feel vulnerable and opening myself up makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm going to try again tonight.

Thanks again to everyone who has contributed.

neonsofa

erica74 wrote: »

I chickened out. It's hard to even understand why.
I'm going to try again tonight.
Knowing that there is a freephone national number and it's 24 hours is giving me a bit more courage.
I think I am afraid of ringing the local number my GP gave me in case the person I speak to knows me. I just hate to feel vulnerable and opening myself up makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm going to try again tonight.

Thanks again to everyone who has contributed.

Please do try. Best of luck.

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ennis81

Hi Erica,
I would just like to say I think you are dead brave, you have already come through so much and are still here fighting another day, you are anything but a chicken, take your time with your recovery
Wish you all the best X

LegacyUser

erica74 wrote: »

Hi all, I need some advice and I'm hoping someone can help.
I would rather not go into the whole story, plus, I am typing this on my phone.
I was sexually abused by my brother when I was a child. It recently was confirmed to me, something I had suspected for a long time, that my sister was also abused by my brother. I had always thought this but had never been sure and we never discussed it.

In addition to this, we grew up with a mother who had and still has severe mental health issues and my dad is an alcoholic.
Funnily enough, my dad never mistreated us, he and my mother used to roar and scream and go at each other but my dad never mistreated us, other than the fact that he was never really around as he was always in the pub.
My mother physically, verbally and mentally abused us for our whole lives and still does. The worst thing about my mother is that she doesn't accept she's not mentally well and therefore, will not get help with her problems.

So, all in all, my childhood was pretty shite.
I have never really told anybody about my brother abusing me. When I was 15, I told my boyfriend at the time and he was weirded out by it. I hated him for a long time but I can understand now how hard it must have been for him to get his head around it, he was only 15 too.
So after that happened, I kept this secret locked away. I didn't tell anyone for years. When I met my now husband, I told him very early on in our relationship but we never really discussed it in length. It's a difficult thing to discuss sex abuse with your sexual partner, it's hard to know where the boundaries of the discussion are.

Then 2 years ago I had an event happen in my life, it wasn't anything to do with the sex abuse I suffered. I'd prefer not to go into the details of this event but when it happened, I went through a period of about 6 weeks of mental anguish and I don't think I ever recovered properly from that. I also think that that mental anguish damaged the part of my brain that was keeping my secrets. It just felt like, all of a sudden, my brain couldn't keep the secrets in anymore.
I do know that keeping the secrets locked away wasn't healthy either but I had always kind of told myself, one day I'll let the secrets out, but when that event happened, it was like my brain couldn't keep things locked away anymore.
I have read a bit about "triggering events", which may not necessarily be related to the original event and I think this may be what happened

Can anyone offer me any advice?
What happens when I contact the Rape Crisis Centre?
What would happen to my brother if I involved the gardai?
I'm just really confused and scared and anxious about it all.

Hi.

Do you mind me asking how old are.

I have had a very similar expierence except I was abused by my sister.

I had kept it 100% bottled up until I was 32.
Stress from another part of my life brought me to breaking point.

I found a group male survivor on line that I found helpful for a while. I eventually went to see my GP who organised a few weeks

I can relate to your feeling that things are goi g like a fright train. That is exactly how if felt and if I didn't do something about is I was goo g to loose control

Keep strong and look out for your self over the next few weeks.

LynnGrace

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+1
Take your time, don't give out to yourself. You are very brave.
Be gentle and kind to yourself.
All the best.

erica74

I just made the phone call. It was so scary.
I made it at my desk in work, the guy I share an office with is off today. I don't know why I just felt like I could do it right now at half 2 on a Monday. I was just working away and then I just did it.
I didn't really know what to say, just that my GP had told me to ring them, but the lady seemed to know how to steer the call.
So she gave me an appointment to go in and have an initial meeting with someone, just to show me around and have an initial introduction to the building and their services.
Even the thought of that is super scary.
The appointment isn't until next Monday so hopefully I'll build up some courage between now and then.

I am very distracted by it all lately.

I'm going back to my GP tomorrow so at least I can tell her I booked an appointment. Maybe that's why she asked me to come back a week later, so she could double check that I contacted the Rape Crisis Centre and didn't chicken out.

toadfly

Well done, first step done. All you can do it can do is take one step at a time. Good luck

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neonsofa

Well done op. Huge step! Best of luck.

RhubarbCrumble

Well done erica74. I've been following your story here and on the other thread in the ladies lounge. I think you're an incredibly brave lady for having taken this step.

erica74

Thanks everyone. Felt pretty exhausted yesterday evening, I think it must have been all the adrenalin.
I have an appointment with my GP today so at least I can tell her I have that appointment next week.
Having to talk about it all in detail is a daunting prospect. I've blocked it out for so long, it kind of feels like unlocking part of myself.
If I don't feel comfortable going into loads of detail with the counsellor right away will they get annoyed? I'm just worried they'll think sure what are you doing here if you can't talk about it?

Ave Sodalis

erica74 wrote: »

If I don't feel comfortable going into loads of detail with the counsellor right away will they get annoyed? I'm just worried they'll think sure what are you doing here if you can't talk about it?

No, absolutely not. Any counselling session is about you. If you can't say certain things just yet, or even anything, that's completely fine. They won't be expecting anything just yet, it can take time to feel comfortable enough around the counsellor and the environment.

toadfly

I wouldnt think thats the idea at all Erica, I would think they will go completely at your pace and what you are comfortable with. Dont rush yourself, you have been building to this for a long time, its not going to be sorted straight away but you are doing brilliantly just making the call and going to the first session.

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neonsofa

Yep op it's all about you and what you decide. You're in total control of the sessions and it's actually very calming and empowering that you can decide on what is discussed. There is no anxiety over whats expected of you or anything like that, its all whatever you are up to discussing. Don't worry at all.

erica74

Ah thanks everyone, that's put my mind at ease. I'm just not sure what I'll be comfortable with. I mean, I could end up blurting out loads, I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm just kind of blabbering. As I said before, it's difficult to talk to anyone in real life about this because it's just such a delicate topic, it's especially difficult to talk to my husband and I usually talk to him about everything so that's especially difficult.

Anyway, thanks again for all the help.

neonsofa

erica74 wrote: »

Ah thanks everyone, that's put my mind at ease. I'm just not sure what I'll be comfortable with. I mean, I could end up blurting out loads, I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm just kind of blabbering. As I said before, it's difficult to talk to anyone in real life about this because it's just such a delicate topic, it's especially difficult to talk to my husband and I usually talk to him about everything so that's especially difficult.

Anyway, thanks again for all the help.

Play it by ear. I went to some sessions saying to myself "this time I won't cry" and then spent the whole thing crying and feeling like a fool for crying. Best laid plans and all that!

Just go with the flow and let it out naturally. There's no right or wrong. You can even change your mind half way through the session and switch topic (yep I've done that too :pac: ) and they don't mind. Honest,it's whatever you need at the moment in time, not what they think you should do.

Vela

I wouldn't recommend the RCC - I've posted about it before on here. I truly do not believe that the staff are adequately trained to deal with instances of severe abuse/assault. From first-hand experience.

I'd recommend going to a private psychologist who has experience in dealing with trauma victims. I'd recommend someone, but I don't think you can on here? (mods let me know?)

Otherwise, a quick google of "counselling psychologist Dublin" should bring up a few. Call or email them, see what the vibe is/if you like them, and take it from there. You'd have to go in, in person. But honestly, I think you'd need to anyway.

And well done on taking this step - it's a big one. You should be seriously proud of yourself for it. I hope you find someone who can help you through this and I know you'll come out the other side once you do. Hang in there.

erica74

Vela wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend the RCC - I've posted about it before on here. I truly do not believe that the staff are adequately trained to deal with instances of severe abuse/assault. From first-hand experience.

I'd recommend going to a private psychologist who has experience in dealing with trauma victims. I'd recommend someone, but I don't think you can on here? (mods let me know?)

Otherwise, a quick google of "counselling psychologist Dublin" should bring up a few. Call or email them, see what the vibe is/if you like them, and take it from there. You'd have to go in, in person. But honestly, I think you'd need to anyway.

And well done on taking this step - it's a big one. You should be seriously proud of yourself for it. I hope you find someone who can help you through this and I know you'll come out the other side once you do. Hang in there.

Hi Vela

I don't really know much about the RCC but I'm happy to give them a go. I mean, if I'm not happy with their services, I'll certainly consider going elsewhere.
I'm not in Dublin if that makes any difference to your advice.
My GP did say she has (unfortunately) had a lot of contact with our local RCC down through the years and has always found them excellent.

I actually have a lot of (unrelated) health problems so I spend a fair bit on various medical stuff every month so I'd like to give the free option a go first. However, I have no intention of sticking at it just because it's free, if it turns out I'm not satisfied.

I do have access to psychologist recommendations near to me so I could certainly find someone easily enough.

Thanks for your input though, I do appreciate it.

Vela

erica74 wrote: »

Hi Vela

I don't really know much about the RCC but I'm happy to give them a go. I mean, if I'm not happy with their services, I'll certainly consider going elsewhere.
I'm not in Dublin if that makes any difference to your advice.
My GP did say she has (unfortunately) had a lot of contact with our local RCC down through the years and has always found them excellent.

I actually have a lot of (unrelated) health problems so I spend a fair bit on various medical stuff every month so I'd like to give the free option a go first. However, I have no intention of sticking at it just because it's free, if it turns out I'm not satisfied.

I do have access to psychologist recommendations near to me so I could certainly find someone easily enough.

Thanks for your input though, I do appreciate it.

No worries at all. I completely understand needing a free option available. Just mind yourself with it and make sure that you speak up if you don't feel it's working for you.

I hope it helps though

erica74

Okay, I did it.
I feel like I do have a lot to say about my initial appointment but I am also having difficulty getting the words to form.

Basically I went in and met the lady I had spoken to on the phone last week. She took me upstairs to a smallish room with 2 armchairs and nice lighting and a big window so it was bright. The building was quiet but not so quiet to make me feel panicky.
I have no idea why I am even commenting on that, clearly it was important to me somewhere in the back of my head.

So anyway, I used the loo before I went into the room so when I went in, the lady was sitting down. I sat in the other chair and she began by informing me about the obligations of the Rape Crisis Centre in relation to the legal side of things, reporting people to Tusla and where there would be a need to report someone. So basically, one of the things that might prompt a report would be if there are children under 18 in the house with the person and my brother has 2 girls under 18.
So what is going to happen there is, when I have my first official appointment with a counsellor, the counsellor will go through a form to officially report him. I know my sister has already done this with her psychiatrist and I told the lady in the Rape Crisis Centre so she said the report I make may just be a formality, following up on my sister's report.

So I just explained why I was there, I explained about my brother, that my sister was also abused, my mother's abuse of us, my dad's alcoholism etc. The lady didn't ask very many questions, she just let me talk. It was very tiring letting all that out. I probably told her more than I've really told anyone ever.
I spoke very briefly about my OCD tendencies, which have become a real problem in the past 2 years.

It was strange how I didn't get upset or teary until I mentioned how by blocking it all that I also blocked out happy memories, like my sister and I used to have fun with my dad, when he wasn't busy being an alcoholic, he was fun, he was a funny person and he knew how to have fun. I hate that I can't remember all those fun times.

The lady also said that, even though the centre is a Rape and Sexual Assault Centre, the counselling offered is for everything you have experienced. I think she specifically said this as my mother's abuse was severe and obviously had a huge impact and will obviously form a huge part of the sessions.

I won't go into too much detail here. I don't even know why I'm updating this thread. Honestly, I have thought in the past few weeks that, maybe if some other person reads this thread, it might help them.

eviltwin

Well done Erica. I think you're really brave.

neonsofa

Well done.

erica74

So super scary.
Sometimes I still feel like I want to suck all the words back in.

erica74

There I was just living my life when I got a phone call from a private number, the Rape Crisis Centre notifying me of my first "official" counselling session. My stomach fell to the floor when the woman said where she was calling from.
It's at this first session that I make a report to Tusla about my brother. My sister has already made her report to Tusla (about a month ago) and already received correspondence advising that social workers would be visiting his home. I don't know much about that process and I don't want to.

I feel awful, I feel sick and nervous and scared. I haven't been sleeping well lately and I've been having awful nightmares.

This is still super scary but I do feel like I've taken the right step for me.

I also figured out I was around 7 when the abuse started and it went on until I was around 10. When I imagine those 3 years in my head, they just look like a black space.

Redser87

Well done you. Stick at it, it might be hard at first but you deserve to live a full and happy life unencumbered by these fears.