Why does she keep confiding in me?

LegacyUser

This could be long and rambling...sorry in advance.

3yrs ago I physically assaulted the love of my life,mother of my 2 kids,best friend.
There is reasons and excuses why but they really dont matter,I never should have done what I did.

In the past 3yrs she has gone from;wanting be back immediately after(I said no as I was in counselling for my anger issues).
Then once she found a new partner,threatening to kill me,assault me,get me back for what I did(fair enough in my mind,I deserve it).
When that relationship failed,badly,she came to me looking for support.
Unconditionally,I gave her as much as I could,I love her,Im heartbroken by what I did,heartbroken shes moving on and heartbroken that her new relationship has been a disaster(her words not mine).
We got along really well during this time,without any intimacy or anything like that,worked extremely well with each other regarding kids,her feelings,my feelings and ,to me anyway,we both knew where we stood...good friends but we could never go back to what we had before because of my actions.
I had finished counselling and she doesnt want me back(she says no chance and I agree but its a knife in the heart)
She gets a new partner,same stuff,threats and our relationship severely deteriorates,especially around the kids...I can understand not wanting to call me for her personal issues to chat but the kids are seperate.
Its a total change in attitude from calls every 2nd day(and these calls arent "wish things were different" or anything,but to "youre a scumbag for what you did"...again shes not wrong,I was a scumbag.
This relationship fails too....and I get the call,"hey will you talk to me".."yeh no bother"...its all gone **** again and she needs a shoulder,a friend someone to unload on....Im that person.
I love her,Im heartbroken because of the situation Ive left her in,heartbroken because she has another man and heartbroken because its all gone fcuked up for her again.

Again we get on like a house on fire(like friends(but with kids)...until,you guessed it another bloke on the scene and now arrives at my front door threatening me again for what I did(I understand this,I do feel like I deserve it).

All this time(3yrs) I never call her(only to sort out kids stuff and apologising like crazy in the 1st yr)but answer all her calls and Ive spent 100's of hours listening to what she has to say(im a great listener,bad person though)...Ive advised her on her relationships,tried to be as fair as possible but I broke my own heart telling her to go for blokes who made her happy when its not what I wanted at all.

She got in trouble with this last fella and social services got involved...pregnant with his kid...and left my kids alone for 18 hrs while on a bender with him....even after all that I still tried to work with her to help(its the least she deserves after I put her in this situation in the first place).

My heads getting wrecked,this is all my fault.

The last 2 partners where she was amicable with me until she got a new partner has happened again and the same threats happened again.
And its all gone to sh1t again and I got the phonecall again....She says Im the only one she can confide in.
Its been 3 yrs since I assaulted her,Im not stupid,I know Im scum,I try my best to help her be happy in any way I can that doesnt involve me,Ive no problem fcuking up my own life to help her find happiness...I dont get involved in her life,I dont ring her or try to push any agenda of my own....I just try to be everything she wants from me when she needs me.

Im a broken man,I feel my life is to be on standby for when her life gets fcuked up again,I will never ever not be on the end of the phone as long as she thinks Im the person she wants to talk to.

I dont deserve happiness,I deserve to be heartbroken,I want her to be happy even though it kills me but she keeps coming back to me when all these relationships fall apart looking for a shoulder or an ear......
I dont know what else to do other that be there...I have to owe her that much at least.

I really would like some advice to how to help her...I dont really matter in this situation.
She is my kids mother and they need her,and she needs to be happy and I think it me whos holding her back but when shes low she looks to me for support.

retro:electro

First of all you're not scum. And second of all of course you deserve happiness.
Look, what happened was awful, but you got help for your issues and I commend you for that. You saw that there was a problem there and you acted on it. There is no point beating yourself up over it continually, and also letting her beat you up over it emotionally whenever she sees fit. That is not the right way to help you.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I can tell by your post that you're not a bad guy. Again, I could be completely wrong and granted I know nothing about what happened, but you seem very very remorseful and have done everything possible to get help.

Please don't let your ex berate you and use this as a stick to beat you with whenever she feels like it. She sounds extremely emotionally manipulative, and she sounds very destructive. Next time she wants to use you as an emotional punch bag, tell her you've worked on and are continuing to work on your issues and you're not going to let her do this anymore. She sounds like she has issues herself, but she can't keep running you down and manipulating you whenever she sees fit.

Another day

You may have acted badly in the past but that does not define you as scum. You seem to be sincerely sorry for your behaviour and actions and have done everything to turn yourself around. Scum don't feel remorse, they don't care about their actions or the repercussions to others. That, from your post, does not sound like you.

You need to take a step back from her. Point her to counselling as she seems to be a bit of a car crash...making bad choice after bad choice. I honestly would be more worried about your children and the way she is diving from one bad relationship to another.

She is confiding in you because she knows you feel profound guilt for what occurred. She has probably blown other friendships by people getting fed up of her bad choices. She is using you when it suits her, you probably sympathise too much with her and absolve her of responsibility of her own actions. You are not responsible for her bad choices. You however are responsible for your children so you really need to be blunt with her and tell her to sort herself out. A visit to her gp and a counsellor would be the best advice you can give. And do not allow her to threaten you any more. You have been punished enough....

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

The threats only ever happen when she doesnt "need me" anymore,when there is someone else to help.
Youre right I see the pattern but I just cant help be there whenever she wants,i cant get over how much i despise myself and how much i feel that i simply owe it to her to basically be there no matter what...she didnt ask for me to do what i did.Regards the not letting her lean on me when shes needs,well I tried that and that resulted in her going off the rails with drugs an ended up leaving the kids unattened,so Im kind of wary about cutting off support for that reason too.I really just feel like i have to suck it up and just suffer the hot and cold i get from her....by th way ive never tried to repair the relationship since i assaulted her,she did try for the 1st few months after but i declined because i was afraid of history repeating itself.

Thank you aswell for the "not scum" comments,that actually meant way more to me than i thought it would.i still feel like the worst person in the world and that everything shes gone through in the last 3yrs is all down to me and i just dont think ill ever shake that guilt off.

I have good friends(1 great friend actually) and im generally ok in life its just this part,especially with the kids involved that has me in bits.

Thanks again for the replies you both speak a lot of sense,I do try get on with my life although I havent been in any type of relationship since,im not really bothered, im too focused on making sure the kids are ok and thats where i think the big problem is,its that in order for the kids to be ok i think she needs to be ok so im kind of helping her to help them if that makes any sense.

Im rambling now,im going to stop,i could write all night about how i feel but thanks for reading and replying to me,its helped loads writing it down and hearing others thoughts.

Yellow pack crisps

Abuse comes in all forms! You did abuse, you took responsibility and more importantly you took action. Your ex is abusing you and it's ongoing and systematic. It is time to forgive yourself. Now, leaving your kids for that amount of time to go drinking? Sort that out. Sort it out before something terrible happens. If they were my kids I would be in court by now. Their needs abs safety must come first and you must not be afraid to put them first.

leggo

This guilt is crippling you. If all you say in your post is true, then I'd echo what others have said in that there's a difference between doing bad things and being a bad person, bad people don't let guilt control them as you seem to be doing. Life is long, mistakes (even big ones) can happen and we can redeem ourselves from them if we put the work in, which you have. As someone else said, it's time to forgive yourself.

This girl is destructive though. Your priority needs to be not on her but on the safety and wellbeing of your children. If she's leaving them alone to go on drinking benders...that's what you know about and that alone is awful parenting on her part. Who knows the multiple little things they're dealing with on a day-to-day basis that could be messing them up.

You need to take the line (and genuinely believe) that you made a mistake in the past but you have amended for it and need to forgive yourself so you can be the person you need to be for your children. You can't change the past but you can pay it forward, and how you do so is through making sure your children are in a safe, happy environment first and foremost. If that even means taking this woman to court to get access because they are unsafe in her care, so be it. In an ideal world, that'd be the case and you'd have a good co-parenting relationship and everything would click. But while she's going out on drinking benders, dating scumbags who threaten her children's father and hell bent on self-destruction (which is not your fault, she is an adult responsible for her own decisions and has made them, it may just be easier to blame you than take responsibility but how is that working out for her?), that's not possible and your children are likely suffering as a result. Maybe intervening on their behalf might be the thing that makes her cop on, even if it means you've got to walk through a hail of abuse and guilt, know you're doing the right thing for everyone involved ultimately. That's how you bounce back from a low and become a truly admirable human being.

tcif

CONFUSEDBADMAN wrote: »

..its the least she deserves after I put her in this situation in the first place....

You need to stop thinking like this. You've taken responsibility for what you did while you were in a relationship with her. It was a terrible thing to do, but from everything you wrote you accept that fully, you got help for your anger issues and you are genuinely remorseful to this day. That doesn't wipe it away but as another poster wrote, there's a difference between one bad act and a bad person and it sounds like you're not a bad person. You're trying your best since to be there for her and for your kids and to make what amends you can.

But you need to stop thinking you are responsible for every bad choice she has made since you broke up. She's an adult, her choices are her own and you are not to blame for them or the outcome of them. Thinking you are is bending you all out of shape and, if you're talking like that to her, possibly in her mind absolving her of the responsibility for her choices because doesn't everyone know it's your fault? That's really bad for both of you and for your kids if she's not looking out for what's best for them.

She needs to grow up and understand she owns the choices she makes, not you, and you need to stop holding yourself responsible. You also need to stop being her emotional punchbag (she can't keep crying on your shoulder each time and this business of sending round every new bloke she meets to give you an earful is bang out of order!) and give yourself a chance to heal and move on. You don't deserve to spend a lifetime punishing yourself like this and if she continues on these benders your kids are going to need you more than ever, emotionally whole and strong and able to give them what they need.

Big Bag of Chips

Your ex seems to be trapped in a cycle of bad relationships. It's very common for people to attract/be attracted to people that are not good for them.

I don't know what you can do, really. You can't control her. She will do as she pleases, and date who she wants.

I do agree though, that your children should be a priority. Is she a good mother? Social workers don't immediately swoop in and take children away. I think you need to contact Tusla and see what your options are. Do you take the children regularly? Why did she go out and leave them alone, and not contact you to take them? You need to work with her, for the sake of your children. If she has a drink problem (and I would think the fact she could go out all day drinking and leave get children alone at home signals a massive drink problem) then your children need to be prioritised. A social worker would try to work with her, at first.

I know your post was mostly about your ex, but it's your children that are suffering in all this. So they need to be the focus of your attention. You can't change her. You can stop answering her calls and texts, if you like.

But you need to step up and be reliable for your children. If that means applying for custody/joint custodt or seeking the intervention of social workers then so be it. Your ex and how she's carrying on towards you,,and what you've done to her is a side issue, detracting from the main issue.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Your ex seems to be trapped in a cycle of bad relationships. It's very common for people to attract/be attracted to people that are not good for them.

I include me in that,rightly or wrongly..(10yr relationship)

I don't know what you can do, really. You can't control her. She will do as she pleases, and date who she wants.

I dont want to control her at all....just want her to be right for the kids...but I do understand you.

I do agree though, that your children should be a priority. Is she a good mother? Social workers don't immediately swoop in and take children away. I think you need to contact Tusla and see what your options are. Do you take the children regularly? Why did she go out and leave them alone, and not contact you to take them? You need to work with her, for the sake of your children. If she has a drink problem (and I would think the fact she could go out all day drinking and leave get children alone at home signals a massive drink problem) then your children need to be prioritised. A social worker would try to work with her, at first.

Yes she is an excellent mother in every other aspect...that was with one bloke when she went off the rails,he was basically a junkie and she got so wrapped up in him that she just went nuts and deserted the kids(totally out of character).She didnt ring me because she put the kids to bed the night before and left at 11pm and i only found out the next day when her sister asked me if i knew where she was.
The social workers are involved(Tusla), they kids are on a high risk list so she has been monitored for the last 6 months,but this lastest bloke(within these 6mths) has a serious rep for drug dealing and has recently been arrested,now she has ended it in fairness but I had warned Tusla about it and nothing was done.
I take my kids every weekend and since she left the kids alone she had left them with me until a monday or tuesday with no contact,in turn I lost my job so for the past year ive been basically at her beck and call during the week to take the kids whenever she asks(no problem doing this as im worried about my kids)but i need to get back working and i dont know if she will cope without that support meaning the kids are being let down again.

I know your post was mostly about your ex, but it's your children that are suffering in all this. So they need to be the focus of your attention. You can't change her. You can stop answering her calls and texts, if you like.

But you need to step up and be reliable for your children. If that means applying for custody/joint custodt or seeking the intervention of social workers then so be it. Your ex and how she's carrying on towards you,,and what you've done to her is a side issue, detracting from the main issue.

I agree fully,my reason for the focus on her was the feeling of once she's ok the kids are ok because she is a great mother to them,its just when shes not ok things go downhill very quickly...the first was because of a junkies influence and the after effects when it ended(he assaulted her too at 9mths pregnant,nurses saw and alerted social services,this is after i spoke to social about her leaving my kids alone a yr previous)
She only confides in me now,but only if shes alone.Its like Im the only one she trusts,even after all i put her through...trust me Id rather she hated my guts and looked after my kids properly,Id sleep a whole lot easier.
Thats why I was asking Why does she still confide in me?

Thank you for your reply a lot of what you and the previous poster has made sense and given me a different outlook on things its really appreciated.
And you can be guaranteed that my kids are my biggest concern in this sad sorry mess.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for reading and replying,ive meetings with Tusla coming up and Ive a date in court to get guardianship of the kids,should be a formality.

Some of what you have said has really resonated with me and made me take a step back and think clearer about this.

The kids are my whole life and I just want to make sure theyre happy and safe in any way I can and in my OP including being their mothers emotional crutch because I thought I didnt deserve to be happy with myself....Im trying hard to look after the welfare of my kids seperate to the welfare of their mother,I guess ive just got a ton of guilt for how i have behaved in the past and feel somewhat responsible for how both the kids and their mothers life has turned out.

Thanks again for all the replies,really means a lot....Thank You.

joeguevara

CONFUSEDBADMAN wrote: »

<Snip>Please do not quote the entire post. It is unnecessary.

You asked for advice on 'how to help her' but in all fairness you really need advice on how to help you. Ok, yes you did a bad thing and you admit that. But you need to let that go. You still have a relationship with her through your children, and no matter how much you are beating yourself up inside, you couldn't be that much of a scumbag because you still have a mutual connection because of them.

Next, she obviously is talking to you between boyfriends and likes hanging out with you...that means no matter how bad you think you did, she likes you as a friend....that's good....however, stop this....you can never be friends and she is dangerous......every time she gets a new fella she goes back to what you did.....obviously he is going to be jealous and protective and going to start on you....your number one loyalty is to your kids but this is going to continue.

In my opinion, be a dad, but you can't be a friend to her. Also, prepare yourself for her boyfriends to start on you...maybe discuss this with her for the benefit of your kids. You can't support her when it comes to her boyfriends....she will bring up what you did. Talk about being good parents and I hope she will understand that no good can come from bringing up your past.....but if you are friends/supportive with her you will always be in the firing line because of what you did in the past!

Ms. Chanandler Bong

She might not be physically assaulting you but what she's doing to you is just as much abuse as what you did to her. The difference between you? You saw what was happening, took a step back and sought help.
What she's doing is just as damaging to your children as if you'd stayed and kept doing what you were doing. They're your priority here.

eleventh

Did she go to counselling herself after the assault? A good counsellor might help her sort through what happened and help her move forward.

Is there any alcohol/drug addiction here with either of you? It seems like you're both living enormously chaotic and volatile lives. That's my outstanding impression. Or perhaps it's just she who is and you're being sucked into it. Either way, you need to get as far away from this as possible given you have children together. Edit: I see in your response she did get into drugs, and your attempt to distance yourself from her has left the kids suffering. At this point, I'd be looking for legal alternatives for guardianship of your children until she sorts herself out. Can family relatives not intervene to raise the children?

You need to step back from this (obviously). As has been said ad nauseam here: you need to forgive yourself. Because you have to move on with creating and reinventing you and your life. Forgiveness of ourselves is sometimes very hard, but once we can do it it's a massive gift of freedom to ourselves. Beating yourself up with remorse as you're doing is no way to live life. Our healthy years can be taken from us so quickly against our wishes that it's really heartbreaking to see somebody self-inflict as much pain on himself as you're doing.

Time to forgive, time to move on, time to create a new you. Life is far, far, far too short for torturing yourself like this.

Yellow pack crisps

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Abuse comes in all forms! You did abuse, you took responsibility and more importantly you took action. Your ex is abusing you and it's ongoing and systematic. It is time to forgive yourself. Now, leaving your kids for that amount of time to go drinking? Sort that out. Sort it out before something terrible happens. If they were my kids I would be in court by now. Their needs abs safety must come first and you must not be afraid to put them first.

This, a million times. Whatever about adults being idiots and destroying their own lives...