I don't know how to help my distressed friend

Scarinae

My friend is going through a really rough time right now and I don't know how I can actually help. The short version is that she and her boyfriend of nearly four years have split up, and they're stuck living together until the middle of October because they had to give two months' notice on their lease, and she's unsure how she's going to afford living by herself.

The longer version is that she is taking it all very hard. I don't think it is helping that they are stuck living together for the time being (and are still sharing a bed, although not having sex) so it's hard to get through it the break up when she's seeing him all the time. She's also really worried about the financial impact of living by herself - she doesn't want to flatshare - she had been hoping to be able to work remotely for a while in her current job and go and stay with her parents (in another part of the country) while she sorts herself out, but that's been refused.

The bit that I'm finding difficult is that she's started to lean on me quite heavily and I just don't think I'm equipped to do it. She wants to see me all the time and she's constantly texting me. I did drop everything to go and see her last weekend when she told me that they'd broken up, but I can't drop all my plans for the foreseeable future to spend all my free time with her. I can't spend all day texting when I'm in work or when I'm with other friends. Often when I check my phone I'll have seven or eight texts from her.

But on the other hand, I feel really guilty because I know how hard she's finding everything. I saw her on Friday evening after work and she seemed to be much more positive, but then she hit a low again on Saturday and she's barely got out of bed this weekend. She's confided in me that she's been having frequent suicidal thoughts. Of course I called her as soon as she said that, she assured me that she won't do it tonight (!!!) but even so I've left the ringtone on on my phone and have asked her to call or text me if she needs to.

I just don't know how to deal with this, and I'd never forgive myself if she killed herself. I've suggested that she go to the doctor, to go to see a counsellor, to call the Samaritans - but she won't do any of those things. She doesn't want to go on medication and she says she's not ready to talk to a professional who actually knows how to deal with these things. I feel totally out of my depth here and I don't know how I can help if she won't see anyone who knows what they're doing! It's also hard for me to fully understand because although I've had low points, I have never been suicidal. What can I actually do here? How can I get her to seek proper help?

Keepingitreal

I am sorry to say there is nothing more you can do then what you are doing now. The end of her relationship is forcing her into making decision she is not ready to make yet but she will get there.

If you are really worried about her mental health, I would suggest speaking with her family but it may be the intial shock of whats happened. Am I right in saying this only happened recently?

You are being an amazing friend and that is all she can ask for

Bambi985

Does her family know yet? I'd encourage her to tell any close family members she has and any other good friends so that she has a support network around her that isn't just exclusively you.

I'd also encourage her to go and stay with friends or family as often as she can so she can get some space from her ex and begin to move on. Could she spend weekends with her parents, kip on your sofa for a night or two, visit cousins a few nights a week etc? That's the only way she can begin to move on from the relationship while still under the same roof as him, which is a pretty intolerable situation by any standards.

If she's refusing to seek professional help then there's not really much you can do, aside from continuously encouraging her to go and gently telling her that you don't feel equipped to deal with it all, even though you love her and are always there for her.

Not to belittle her feelings at all, but breakups are like bereavements, they are the end of a future that you thought you had and the suicidal feelings or simply lack of motivation to do anything or even get out of bed are not uncommon in the early days. They are brutal, but people get through them all the time and your friend will too. These intense emotions and seeming instability won't last forever and the more space she puts between herself and her ex, the easier it will be for her to move on.

Airyfairy12

You cant help someone who wont help themself and tbh it doesn't sound like she's doing herself any favors. She's sharing a bed with him, can't they take turns sleeping on the couch? She's depressed but won't see a counsellor or talk to her GP. She needs to take small steps to improve her wellbeing. You cant do that for her.
Ideally we'd all love to live on our own but financially it's not possible, even with a good job rent is high all over the country so sharing with strangers is a sacrifice we all have to make and she's no exception but tbh living alone might not be a good option for her anyway, it can be very lonely.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago, broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years while living together, had to stay put for a month while we sorted everything, I eventually moved into a flat with another girl who I didnt know, she was never home, stayed in her boyfriends 6 nights a week and worked all day so I might aswell have been living alone and tbh it was so lonely, it only made me feel more depressed and isolated. She's better off sharing with someone. Besides she has to be out by October anyway, now is the time to start looking for somewhere and a nice one bed apartment at a reasonable price isnt going to fall out of the sky. She needs to get somewhere soon or she'll have a bigger problem and could end up homeless.

Im sure its very hard on her and she's not ready to make these decisions but its important that she starts taking the steps to move forward, even just by talking to her GP and accepting that she'll have to flat share.
Youre being a great friend but theres not really anything else you can do.

LegacyUser

Don't feel guilty and don't feel you're not equipped, you've actually done lots for her and you've been a good friend, so go easy on yourself. Besides the suggestions you've already made, there are other resources in the thread for distressed posters. Not only do they apply to your friend, but they can help you while you're being leaned on for support. You also might want to considered contacting her family or other friends, just to make them aware she needs some help.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

BetsyEllen

I would suggest calling somewhere like the Samaritans yourself for advice, they may be able to guide you in the right direction.

I have felt like your friend is feeling now and it's left me scarred, it was the worst period of my whole life and I pray I never come close to feeling anything like it again.

I know she is a pain to you right now but sometimes being a good friend means you have to go above and beyond and put yourself out for their benefit.
I know when I was going through my bad time, I wouldn't have gone to a councillor either. I felt helpless, like no one could help me and had no motivation to talk to anyone as I couldn't possibly see how it could help.
When you're in that black hole you are lost and all rational thought is gone.

As suggested by the last poster, it was most definitely NOT a case of engaging in attention-seeking manipulation.

One of my friends and her boyfriend were my saviours. I practically lived on their sofa at the weekend as I couldn't bear to be in my house (I lived alone at the time) and if it wasn't for them, I don't know what I would have done.

Luckily, with time I healed as many of us do. It was a slow process but I got there and I hope your friend will too.

All I can say for now is try to be patient with her; it's all only happened recently and she is not thinking straight.
I would certainly tell her that you're not allowed to use your phone as work unless it's an emergency.
You don't have to drop all your plans for her but maybe do try and fit her in a bit more in the coming weeks, make plans in advance so she has something to look forward to.

Would it be possible to let her stay on your sofa until she has her own place sorted?

Sean 18

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I would suggest calling somewhere like the Samaritans yourself for advice, they may be able to guide you in the right direction.

I have felt like your friend is feeling now and it's left me scarred, it was the worst period of my whole life and I pray I never come close to feeling anything like it again.

I know she is a pain to you right now but sometimes being a good friend means you have to go above and beyond and put yourself out for their benefit.
I know when I was going through my bad time, I wouldn't have gone to a councillor either. I felt helpless, like no one could help me and had no motivation to talk to anyone as I couldn't possibly see how it could help.
When you're in that black hole you are lost and all rational thought is gone.

As suggested by the last poster, it was most definitely NOT a case of engaging in attention-seeking manipulation.

One of my friends and her boyfriend were my saviours. I practically lived on their sofa at the weekend as I couldn't bear to be in my house (I lived alone at the time) and if it wasn't for them, I don't know what I would have done.

Luckily, with time I healed as many of us do. It was a slow process but I got there and I hope your friend will too.

All I can say for now is try to be patient with her; it's all only happened recently and she is not thinking straight.
I would certainly tell her that you're not allowed to use your phone as work unless it's an emergency.
You don't have to drop all your plans for her but maybe do try and fit her in a bit more in the coming weeks, make plans in advance so she has something to look forward to.

Would it be possible to let her stay on your sofa until she has her own place sorted?

Yes she does need her friends around some people might not have the courage to open up to gps and counselors when their going through.a difficult time

Ms Doubtfire1

as someone who has just recently lost a good friend to suicide - seek professional help, for yourself and for her,If you feel she is about to commit, call an ambulance and have her comitted into hospital. If you care for her..thats what you do.You cannot shoulder this burden on your own.it will bring you down as well you need professional advise and she does even more.

Airyfairy12

I agree with Betsy Ellen, I wouldnt jump to any conclusions about her looking for attention, she's going through a really tough time and she's not thinking straight. That being said she's going through what most people do at some point and she will come out of this dark hole eventually but it will take time.

Could you plan for a spa weekend away or a short holiday to Spain or somewhere cheap over Halloween or a bank holiday weekend? It would give you both something to look forward to. Maybe even get tickets to a concert in Dublin or something, make a weekend out of it.