Marriage Issues

jealousyvictim

I met my wife while living abroad and we hit it off. We got married after about a year and a half there. However, on moving back home some issues became apparent.

To put it simply the biggest problem is that my wife cannot stand or fathom the notion that I have female friends who are close or used to be close or whatever. Initially, I thought it was just a phase and she would get used to it but I am now at the end of my tether. I have two female friends who are both married also and have children of their own. I am also good friends with both of the husbands and have been at the weddings and we used to head out for pints with and without the girlfriends the odd time. They invite us to lots of events such as BBQs, Christenings, birthday party's or whatever. However in two years I have not attended a single event with my old friends. It is starting to make me feel depressed. The guilt is killing me always saying no. 

If I suggest we go and visit my friends she starts to cry, gets really angry, will be in a bad mood for hours sometimes days and even threatens to divorce. A few weeks ago one of my friends had a child and we were invited to visit and she said told me not to even suggest we go and visit. I think she is exhibiting controlling and manipulative behaviour. Also my whole friend network is more or less connected and she doesn't want to interact with a single friend of mine, not even the male ones. For example one of my colleagues and friends moved into our neighbourhood a few weeks ago and theres this good place nearby that makes good lunch so he invited us and some other of his friends to drink some beers and eat lunch. I asked her did she want to go and she said no and everything was fine. Then I went and when I came home she was in a bad mood. She thinks that because I want to socialise with other people and not exclusively with her that I do not love her. Now there's one other thing. I told her once before that I think ten years ago one of my friends fancied me a bit although I have no idea if that is actually true. It was just a hunch I had but the feeling wasn't mutual on my side and it's water long under the bridge anyway.  It's just something I let out and I wish I hadn't. I also told her one time that my other friend had big boobs. I know this was a stupid thing to do but I am not actually interested in anything with these women but obviously my wife has major issues with this. 

It's also difficult to have any sort of social life with her. We had a work party a few weeks ago. I told her I'd be home around 8pm or so. When I was at the party she text me saying she was going to meet her friend so I stayed longer. Anyway at 10 O'Clock I was on the way home and she called me really angry and went and slept in a hotel. She was so annoyed to come home to an empty house that she went to a hotel to show me how seriously upset she is. I still haven't got over that as I think it's disgraceful carry on and I am still annoyed about it. Also she is welcome to join these events. She refuses to socialise with any of my social circle at all and if I want to meet any friend male or female she makes me feel guilty about it. Not all the time. Sometimes she is ok with it. Other times she will guilt trip me into not going. 

We live in another part of the country and my parents came to visit for a night as I hadn't seen them in about 5 months. I asked her if it was ok that my parents stay 3 months in advance and she had no issue with it and it was only for one night. Anyway on the day they arrived around six pm we were going to meet them. But just before that she had a meltdown. She started to say how everyone here just does what they want and nobody cares about her feelings. She threw her wedding ring at me told me she hates me and thinks I don't know how to take care of her. She also threatened to kill herself. This was simply because she felt stressed that my parents were coming in an hour. She complains that she has to clean the house even though I told her I would do it and I did. She asked me why didn't I just go and visit them then they wouldn't visit us and she wouldn't be stressed. She says her parents never visit and therefore I don't have to be stressed but the reality is I wouldn't be stressed. She is terrified my parents will get a bad impression of her. 

She is deeply insecure. She even told me this on our first date but I was just so smitten I didn't take any notice. On our first date when I was going to the bathroom I was making chit chat with some girls from England while we were in the queue for the toilet. Like not flirting or anything but it was good to hear the english language being spoken. She told me much much later that one of the reasons she had doubts about me was because of this incident. I was texting her for months because I really really liked her. She told me she admired my persistence and one thing that really attracted her to me was my refusal to stop chasing. However this wasn't strictly true. She kept going on and on about how I never give up and thats why she went out with me in the end. I felt a bit guilty and told her actually I dated other girls in that time. I feel that is my right as I had absolutely no commitment from my wife at that time. Because of this confession we nearly didn't get married. She went totally ballistic and cried the whole night. She was really heartbroken and then she admitted she had a boyfriend in that time. I really don't care. It is not my business what she did before we were a couple. I think this destroyed her trust in my relationship but she felt at that point she still wanted to marry me. 

She recently found employment after 1 year looking. Before she had a job she was constantly worried that we would run out of money even though I earn enough to keep us both fed and watered. She was also completely bored sitting at home all day. Now that she has a job she says that me and my family are pressuring her into working but it's not the case. My mother just said to her if she got a job she would feel better. My mother doesn't mind either way. Anyway she has some conflicts with her colleagues at work. She says one of them is bullying her but that girl has left. However she still says it's my fault for forcing her to get a job even though before she didn't have one. 

I know that I haven't been perfect either and said stupid things which I am sorry about. I have never cheated on her and I never will and I really still love her very much. She on the other hand tells me that if we were not married she would probably find another man and that I don't appreciate how many other men find her attractive and that she can run away. I also get the feeling that in her culture being jealous is a sign of love. The problem is I consider it childish and somehow toxic.  I have suggested we go talk to a counsellor to get a neutral third party perspective. She said she is not too keen on this because it will mean that I think she is the one who is wrong and not me. Also she believes a therapist here will have no understanding of her culture and won't be able to help. 

On Thursday she was in a bad mood and I asked her whats up but she wouldn't really talk to me. She told me something I did in the past annoyed her but she wouldn't say what. We went to sleep. Last night we had sex for the first time in two weeks. I still like her but I find myself constantly thinking about these issues. I can't do my job properly or think about anything else really. Is this past the point of rescue? Can I save my marriage?

woodchuck

Oh good lord. I think you hit the nail on the head at the beginning of your post:

I think she is exhibiting controlling and manipulative behaviour.

She absolutely is. BUCKETS loads.

The bottom line is, are you happy? It doesn't sound like you are and I wouldn't blame you one bit. If you're not happy something has to change.

Have you tried having a serious conversation with her about all of this? From what you've said about her, it would probably just end up in tears and tantrums and emotional blackmail. But at least you'd have tried. I also think counselling is a good suggestion, but if she's not open to that, I don't know what else you can try.

Can you really live the rest of your life like this?

LegacyUser

OP I don't know what culture she's from but me being Irish, and a woman, I have to say she sounds mentally unwell. And that's putting it lightly. Her behaviour is insane and there is no way you can live like that forever. You are losing (or have lost) all your friends and the only person who will be left is her. That is not healthy. She is a manipulating control freak. It is really that simple. I can see how insecure she is from your post but that is something she has to deal with, that's not your issue. If she won't go and get some counselling to deal with her problems I am not really sure what choices you have left except to stay with her and live like that, or to call it a day? You obviously still love her but is that enough to carry on like this forever? Have you ever suggested counselling to her?

bee06

Do you want to save your marriage? She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I'm assuming you have broached these issues with her before and she has never changed so do you really think she is capable of change going forward?

Dr Crayfish

She sounds like a total wreck nutcase. In saying that I try not to judge too much in here because we're only hearing one side. However, does she have ANY redeeming qualities at the moment for you? I can't see what's in this for you right now.

ahnow

I think you should give AMEN a ring. She has isolated you from your friends, doesn't want your parents coming around, blames you for everything including her getting a job, threatens divorce, threatens suicide. That's not right. Living like that is not right. If you had plans in the future about children, bringing them up in an environment like that is very dysfunctional and damaging. You are being emotionally abused.
Counselling might be an option for the two of you if you're not ready to call a halt to the marriage yet, at least that way you know you tried everything. But honestly it sounds like she actually has some sort of personality disorder. It doesn't sound like she is going to change regardless of that or not, her issues seem to be very deeply rooted. And you should go to see your friends. They are your support system, you are perfectly entitled to see them, and I reckon they have an inkling of what's been going on with your wife.
Honestly, I think you would be better off far away from a person like this.

Colser

OP I'm going to hazard a guess and bet that she's very good looking and that's her redeeming quality for you.I'd say that's why you initially chased her and married pretty quickly and ignored all the warning signs.If I'm right then I think you have to accept some of the blame for the situation that you're in and decide if you can live like this or break up with her because she will never change long-term imo even with all the counselling in the world.

The only thing you could try is to stop giving into her and don't back down regardless of how she reacts or what she threatens...go out ,meet your friends ect. and don't come home early just for her.Let her see that you won't be dictated to regarding friends or family and she can either accept that or not...she may change her tune if she sees that she can't manipulate you.

Also I'd be careful about having a baby if that's on the cards until you sort out the relationship because that would hugely affect your options.

Do you think your family or friends like her,how did they react when you first introduced her?

backspacer

Run away quickly and don't look back. I know that sounds mean but you can't really live with someone who is manipulating you like that.

Separation from friends, emotional manipulation are two big flags for me, I would seriously evaluate where you stand now. By your own admission you are depressed already and she is grinding you down bit by bit.

For your sanity sake, I implore you to consider walking away and starting again, before she breaks you down beyond repair.

Teyla Emmagan

Your wife is a controlling nut job and you should leave her before she ruins what's left of your life OP. That's it in a nutshell. There is nothing to save here bar what's left of your dignity.

Frogscotch

I'm not sure what advice to give you, just wanted to say if a woman came on here and her husband was treating her this way, there would be no hesitation in recognising that it is spousal domestic abuse. I think you should recognise the same and treat your situation accordingly. Please don't let it continue this way.

Airyfairy12

She has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old. I remember being a teenager and being friends with a girl who started seeing her first boyfriend, she wouldnt let him go out without her, would throw hissy fits if he spoke to another girl, controlled who is friends were. Even as teenagers we knew this was no way to carry on and something wasnt right. Its incredibly immature behaviour on her part.
Theres having feelings of anxiety and insecurity which we all go through but she's acting on these feelings and insecurities without thinking about the consequences or putting herself in your shoes.
She's an emotional abuser, whether she's intending to be abusive or not, she may not even realise what she's doing.. it doesn't sound like she has the maturity to fully grasp that but it is what it is, regardless of her intentions.
If she agreed to go to counselling are you sure it would even work? She's so concerned with others thinking badly of her it's unlikely she'll admit to any wrong doings. You cant help someone unless they want to be helped and she's not even ready to acknowledge that she has a problem.

Airyfairy12

Frogscotch wrote: »

I'm not sure what advice to give you, just wanted to say if a woman came on here and her husband was treating her this way, there would be no hesitation in recognising that it is spousal domestic abuse. I think you should recognise the same and treat your situation accordingly. Please don't let it continue this way.

Quite a few posters have called it out as abuse, no one hesitated because genders are reversed.

tara73

OP, this is an absolute nightmare. And you still sound so level headed, you have all my respect.

But I think you know the answer already. I mean, we don't know her but do you think she will ever change? You probably still see the positive things in her because you love her, but as all the people here wrote, I don't think she will ever change, councelling will bring nothing and she will continue to manipulate and harass you all your life if you stay with her.

My advice is get out very soon.

retro:electro

Wow. I am actually really concerned for you after reading your post. Op you are in an abusive marraige whether you know it or not. She is coercively controlling you. It's nothing to do with differing cultures or values- abuse is abuse. She is stripping away your freedom and your sense of self.
I really hope you do what's right here. You know what that is.

Neyite

ahnow wrote: »

I think you should give AMEN a ring. She has isolated you from your friends, doesn't want your parents coming around, blames you for everything including her getting a job, threatens divorce, threatens suicide. That's not right. Living like that is not right. If you had plans in the future about children, bringing them up in an environment like that is very dysfunctional and damaging. You are being emotionally abused.
Counselling might be an option for the two of you if you're not ready to call a halt to the marriage yet, at least that way you know you tried everything. But honestly it sounds like she actually has some sort of personality disorder. It doesn't sound like she is going to change regardless of that or not, her issues seem to be very deeply rooted. And you should go to see your friends. They are your support system, you are perfectly entitled to see them, and I reckon they have an inkling of what's been going on with your wife.
Honestly, I think you would be better off far away from a person like this.

I'd agree with all of this except it's not recommended to do joint counselling with an abusive controlling person. But by all means seek help and get counselling on your own. And don't bring babies into a marriage as bad and abusive as this.

danjoe

jealousyvictim wrote:

I met my wife while living abroad and we hit it off. We got married after about a year and a half there. However, on moving back home some issues became apparent.

Unfortunately she maybe too far gone to get help, its like shes bipolar, split personality,controlling, abusive especially mentally and it not nice to live with someone like that.best of luck whatever you decide

professore

I don't know of any culture anywhere that makes you become a recluse after you get married, unless maybe strict Muslim countries like Saudi Arabia if you are a woman maybe. This isn't normal in any way OP. You just need to tell her where to go and meet up with your friends with or without her. She's not going to kill herself or run off, guaranteed. She's a bully, and like all bullies is a coward. Just tell her you are not putting up with her behaviour anymore.

December2012

This is not normal behaviour at all in any way.

You should speak with a marriage counselor. She is exckuding you from your family and friends.

That's completely inappropriate.

zoobizoo

You do not have a relationship.

You've married someone you shouldn't have.

You will never have a normal supportive fun easy going, giving and loving partner.

Ask a friend if this is normal.

Tell them not to hold back

Yellow pack crisps

People like this never change.

Foxhound38

OP, my heart goes out to you - this is a terrible situation to be in. One of the biggest warning signs of an abusive mindset in a partner is a need to control and isolate you from everyone who isn't them - to make you socially and mentally dependent on them. You need to have a think to yourself about whether this is what is going on here OP, because from the way this reads she may not be throwing digs at you but she may well be abusing you mentally and socially.

Let me put it to you this way - if you met up for lunch with one of the friends you mentioned in your OP (you mentioned that they were married themselves too) and they broke down and told you verbatim that their spouse was exhibiting the same behavior and attitudes as your wife towards them, what advice would you have for them in that situation? What would be your take on the situation then?

Your wife seems to have a lot of issues with control, anxiety and mood - you also mentioned that she threatened to kill herself. Even if that was done for effect, she needs to see a professional, marriage or no marriage. Unless you are one (and even then, you are too close to this to really be effective), you are not equipped to deal with that OP.

Reevaluate your needs OP, and if you really do think that this marriage is worth trying to save (and that's a big if as far as I'm concerned) then you need to attach and communicate some conditions, expectations and boundaries to that effort. If she can't take that or has a meltdown, then provided your demands are reasonable then you need to get out for your own sake OP, and I know that might not be an easy thing to hear.

http://www.amen.ie/

Emme

I don't know where this woman is from but her behaviour wouldn't be normal anywhere. She has treated you like dirt from the word go. Latin cultures tend to be a bit more full on in some ways but they also respect the family. This woman has shown no respect to your family and she is trying to isolate you from them. This is a sign of abuse.

I agree with those who said she is abusive and controlling. You need to get outside support and start contacting your friends again. First you should follow the earlier advice to contact AMEN.

leggo

When reading posts like this, I always try look for the other side. For example, when you were saying stuff about her not liking female friends, I was like "Well maybe she feels left out and like you're not including her..." then you pointed out that she was welcome and was alienating herself. And it kept going on and on like that. You're doing everything right but this girl is determined to find problems and be unhappy.

Look she's moved countries for you. That's not nothing and shows dedication on her part, but the situation itself isn't great. If it was me, personally, I'd resolve that this is something I am willing to let go of if the situation doesn't get better. And that's not an idle threat: make peace with yourself that this is done without improvements, because there's a very high chance those improvements won't come. Then communicate this to her. Lay it out simply and calmly for her that you're concerned she needs outside help to deal with her issues and, if she's not willing to address them, then it's the end for you and you mean it. If she gets help, support her and work on the marriage. If she doesn't, then she blew it and you should and can find someone who'll appreciate what you put into a relationship.

shesty

Op.....she sounds like someone who is very insecure.I. don't know her culture but I do have experience of some cultures where relationships seem to be full on dramatic as you describe.However in addition she is in a foreign country and way out of her depth I think.I'd imagine the combination of the culture clash and utter insecurity about her overall relocation is causing her to behave like this.I actually don't think there is anything wrong with her per se, just that her behaviour is normal to her in the circumstances.

At this point....it doesn't matter what she's doing,you know it's not right.The question really is do you think it can change, and do you want to stay with her after it all? I think as she married out and moved for you it's certainly worth attempting to redeem the situation, through counselling etc but otherwise, I don't think the relationship has much of a future.And whatever you do, do not bring a baby into it.It would be a very bad move.

opripost

Hi Everyone,

It's the OP here. I set up a throwaway account for the original post and cannot remember the password but I set up another one for this.
There are lots of good comments and perspectives here and thank you all for the different feedback.

In the last week I have been thinking about laying it out for her but I have not been able to come to it because I don't want to lose her and do not want a fight. Having said that I lie awake at night thinking this cannot go on for much longer and I have already invested two years almost. I cannot really give up friends especially as I know them a seriously long time. It is out of the question. On the day I wrote the original post I was feeling pretty **** because one of my female friends was having her 30th birthday and I couldn't go because of this nonsense.

I have noticed that as somebody pointed out she has some sort of insecurity issues. I can't stop thinking that her insecurity is ruining my life and holding me back quite a lot. She has noticed that I am not as interested in her anymore but that's not strictly true. Just I can't relax with her at the moment because I am constantly worrying about the future. Somethings she has said makes me realise that she doesn't understand how serious this situation is for me and I may need to communicate it to her better.

She has noticed I am unhappy but isn't exactly aware of why. If I was able to have a normal social life and didn't have to cut friends out of my life I would be in a much better position to support her. She has a bit of a tough time also with her job and is struggling to adapt but I find it difficult to be sympathetic given that I feel she's being a bit of a nuisance.

She has also suggested we go talk to a third party as she feels we are unhappy. In a way this is good and I am happy to hear it but I am also afraid of the consequences.

Somebody said earlier that they are not aware of any cultures where you have to become a recluse after marriage. This is true however there seems to be vastly different expectations of what marriage means. For instance last Friday night she was out with some of her friends from home and her friends mother was there. Her friends mother asked why she was out with them and not at home making dinner for me. She told me that she feels guilty about it but of course as an Irish man this is not really important for me. I don't expect to be waited on hand and foot. I guess this is different in her country.

She also does this thing where she tries to make me jealous to know what it feels like but I just feel indifferent. I told her I don't spend time worrying that somebody else will steal her. She has guys approaching her everyday on the bus and at work or whatever but I don't care. She told me she never met somebody who is not jealous at all and that most guys from her country would go crazy at this. I just told her that this is normal and I trust that she won't do anything because she loves me.

Also I have a colleague from the same place and she was complaining that her husband doesn't get jealous at all and at the beginning of their marriage she thought he didn't love her but she just realised that here things are different.

Anyway. I am not fully sure what I will do yet but thanks for all input.

zoobizoo

opripost wrote: »

In the last week I have been thinking about laying it out for her but I have not been able to come to it because I don't want to lose her

I couldn't go because of this nonsense.

If I was able to have a normal social life and didn't have to cut friends out of my life I would be ......

Somebody said earlier that they are not aware of any cultures where you have to become a recluse after marriage but......

.

You don't want to tell her because you are afraid of losing her and yet the issue is driving you apart?

You chose not to go to the party - you have the choice to dump your friends or not.

You choose not to have a normal social life because you choose to follow her demands and not face the facts that this is abnormal.

The problem is, you choose not to face up to the fact that you are in an unhealthy relationship and being blunt, it is not a relationship. It's you cowtowing to her whims because you don't want to confront this.


You know what my wife did for me last week? She organised a surprise party for me and got in touch with my group of friends to surprise me in a pub. Some of her friends were there also. That's normal.

She encourages me to meet up with friends who I haven't seen in a while. That's normal.

Are they things you could actually envisage your wife ever doing / saying? Are they things you would like your wife to do?


What is it about her that you do not want to lose?
HAve you ever allowed a previous partner to make such unreasonable demands on you like this before?
Did she only start displaying these behaviours after you got married?


Sorry if the above sounds harsh but I've seen friends and family in bad relationships before and while the easy option is to say nothing, you get ground down and your happiness is dependent on their happiness.

I liken it to being like a tree (stick with me).

A happy person in a healthy relationship is like a healthy tree with many branches with healthy green leaves.

When your partner starts asking you not to do things, it's like them snipping a couple of your leaves off here and there. Soon you find yourself with only a few leaves on those branches.

Then a demand like "you can;t see your friends" comes along... there goes a big branch.... "you can't do that" ... another gone... "if you do that I'll......" and chop chop chop until all you are left with is a wizened trunk.

Your personality, happiness, friends, interests, friends etc have gone by the wayside and you are now not a happy person. She's left with someone who cannot grow, who is stuck in the ground and dying slowly.

(and watch out - as a result, they may not want to stick with you)