Thoughts

Lucy91

Ok so this may not be a very serious issue but just looking for some objective advice please...
I am in my late twenties and have been with my boyfriend for eight years. In the past year I have been ill. This summer we were planning a trip abroad and my boyfriend wanted to go to Vietnam as he wanted to explore the jungle and he loves outdoor activities. Due to not feeling well I knew I wouldnt be able for such strenuous activities I suggested that he should go with a friend as I didnt want him to lose out on such an opportunity. So he went off with his friend for two and a half weeks. When he arrived he kept sending me messages that he missed me and so on. Anyway over a week into the trip I hadn't heard from him in six days. I didnt think anything of it as I thought he had no wifi in the jungle andsmall villages. He told me before going that he would be camping outdoors. Anyhow when I was on facebook I saw a load of pics of him and his friend with two girls in nightclubs/bars. When I asked him about it he initially denied being in such clubs/bars and when I asked who the girls were he said they were just tour guides and said he never went out socialising with the at night. In all the pics it was just him, his friend and the same two girls noone else. I undertsand its totally fine for him to go to bars with his friend on holiday but I dont see why lie about it and the two girls. He also sent me abusive messages calling me various names when I asked him and totally ignored me until he got back. Now that he is back he said he did not cheat and that he loves me and cant live without me so on.... This isn't the first time he has been deceptive and lied to me about small things. I dont think he cheated but I do think he was disrespectful at the very least. Am I overreacting?

Wexfordboy89

I dont think you are if he said straight up look ya I did go out drinking with my mate n some girls but nothing happened I promise.but I seems bad if he lies about little things.has anything like this happened before.I personally wouldnt have gone if on holiday myself I would just say we can go some else weekend away somewhere etc.idk might sound like an eejet lol

Skibunny77

You will never know if he cheated or not - but you do know that he has a habit of lying and deception. Add that to the non contact for six days - there is clearly a lack of trust here, is that a good foundation in a relationship for you?

Frogscotch

Abusive messages? Who needs that? I think you deserve more than this. Get rid.

leggo

Yeah, the gaslighting isn't good. You've seen the pics and he's denying they happened? Why lie? That'd be enough for me to make up my mind personally. I always say the cheating itself doesn't matter but it's the broken trust that kills the relationship and lying to you about something you've clearly seen means you kind of have to treat it seriously and weigh up how you feel.

Ursus Horribilis

If anything, I think you're under-reacting. You've been told (through his deeds) what sort of person this guy is. He has lied to you and not for the first time. He ignored you and sent you abusive messages. Those are all big red flags to me. It looks like he behaved like a single man when on holidays and now that he's back home he's just going to reel his old reliable back in again. i know you're a long time together and you're probably crapping yourself at the idea of being single again. Really though, are you absolutely sure you want to hook your wagon to someone like this?

mapaca

Red flags all over the place here: lying about the photos and sending you abusive messages? Then turning around and being all lovey dovey again? He is treating you like a fool and a doormat. I know you are together a long time, has he always been this disrespectful?

Big Bag of Chips

He lied, then got caught, so then told a bit of truth, then got aggressive when you didn't believe the half truth.

He's lying to you. You know he's lying, and he knows you don't fully believe him, so he's turning on the charm now. You'll never get the full truth. It's now up to you to decide if you're ok with that.

I would say though, you either accept what he says and move on in the relationship or you don't accept it and you move on from the relationship. You can't, realistically, expect the relationship to continue and constantly bring this up or fight about it. What would be the point?

shafty100

6 days and no contact, several lies and abusive texts , all definite signs of guilt , ask him to get tested for std ss etc or take a lie detector test and watch his reaction ,either way trust has been broken and its your decision on whether you have a future with him

Wibbs

shafty100 wrote: »

take a lie detector test

Too much Jeremy Kyle watching I think. Good luck in finding that in Ireland. Never mind they're about as reliable as a 1970's Fiat. Then again if he's as dumb as a rock(and the evidence is a hung jury at this stage) the mere suggestion of such might work.

TBH I'd agree with the folks above. A lot of red flags going on. 8 year relationship for the guts of both your twenties, so him thinking he's missing out will likely be stronger than if you were both, I dunno 40 with 8 years behind you. He has previous for deception and lies. Leopard changing spots springs to mind. Then his denial about the women's presence and their attendance when the sun goes down and drinks are taken. Then the abusive texts, followed by going off radar? More red flags than a Stalin parade TBH.

If I was in your position and a girlfriend of mine pulled that guff? I'd scrape her off faster than an attached leech that stuck to me in a Vietnam jungle.

Why? because like Leggo said above it's less about the cheating and more about the trust and lack of it and betrayal of it that is the thing. I might forgive a momentary lapse of reason, even if it got to shagging, after all the vast majority of women I've been with I wasn't their first rodeo, nor their last, but it's the emotional cheating/betrayal/mistrust that is what really matters IMHO.

Most of all, you're still young and should want better. It would be harder, but nowhere near impossible to scrape him off and start anew if you were say 45(I've known men and women who did at such ages and beyond and were the happier for it), but at I dunno 28? You've way more time ahead of you than behind you. You really don't need to be living with this kinda thing for the rest of your life, or even for the next ten years, if not especially for the next ten years. Pretty sh1t for him too BTW.

I get an uncomfortable itch in the centre of my brain with the vast majority of those over simplistic trite sayings that people can be fond of trotting out masquerading as "advice" like "what's for you, won't go by you" etc, but the phrase "there's more fish in the sea" is as true as gravity.

TL;DR? he's being a dick. Scrape him off. Start anew and look for better. It will be better for both of you.

PS. Get well soon and treat yourself well.

MissShihTzu

OP - I feel sorry for you. You need to lose weight - 12.5 stone of lying git should do it!

You deserve better...

retro:electro

I was a bit "meh, he's on his 'olidays int he" until I got to the abusive texts part- what? Why on earth? There's never any need for that, and to me it sounds like a defensive reaction to being caught out in a lie. Some people just go on a verbal assault to deflect and defend.
Saying he loves you and can't love without you when he's home isn't worth jack sh|t if he can't treat you with respect and decency when he's away.
I wouldn't as much mind the sporadic contact you've described above, but coupled with everything else is certainly seems like he got distracted by something mid trip.