How do we approach this, or should we leave it?

LegacyUser

I apologise for the long post in advance! I'm trying to wrap my head around it and feel as much information as possible (without giving away anything too identifying) is needed.

My mother and I used to have a very close relationship. She was only 18 when she had me, so we were almost like sisters. Until recently, I've never had an argument with her. I did well in school, the only time I gave any bother in school was pointing out obvious issues which my mother had always supported. Her and my next sibling were almost as close. There's a small age gap between the next two siblings who are more your typical teenager. I mention this to show I wouldn't be picking arguments with her for no reason. Until recently, I supported her every decision and fully trusted her.

My relationship with my father was never really great. Although he took us every second weekend, he was never really there for us. He took Mum to court multiple times to get his maintenance reduced, at any time he thought he could get away with it. He lived a fairly comfortable life when we were struggling. His wife was very manipulative. He lost most of his friends and some of his family because of her. It was an indirect consequence of her that we stopped seeing Dad (his frustration at being tied at home built up until he lashed out violently at my brother), and it was her emotional blackmail that made us stay away from our two youngest sisters (Dad's and his wife's children) which 3 years on, still is upsetting for me and I fear may be clouding my judgement on this situation.

My mother has had several relationships as we were growing up. She was even engaged before, but it didn't work out. I've had no issue with them. 3 years ago, she met a man who we'll call John (not real name). At the start, as she was telling me about him, I was excited for her. He had a few things in common with my own boyfriend which we were laughing about. The first time I met him, I didn't really warm to him much which I put down to just not knowing him but that never changed. As time went on, I figured I didn't really need to warm to him, he made my mother happy and that's what mattered, so I tried to ignore it. When the first few eyebrow raising comments were made, I just put it down to me not particularly liking him. They still haven't lived together yet, but they got engaged a few months ago.

However, it's gotten to the point where I hate the man, as do my siblings. There have been a few incidents that, on their own, are easy to dismiss but together, are not. The first problem is (what I think anyway) the comments designed to drive a wedge between my mother and us. He is constantly making comments about how useless we are, about how great he is, about how lucky our mother is to have him, about how nobody understand her but him and how her children don't appreciate her like he does. My mother and John spend that vast majority of the day on the phone to each other so I can hear him. Over the last few months, he's been saying a lot of the comments to our faces, always disguised as "jokes" so if we bring him up on it, he sneers and tells us he was joking and we need to learn to take a joke. He's started giving out to us over things that are none of his business.

Only last week, I heard my mother defending one of her friends over something minor on the phone to him. A few days later, she was getting upset about the minor thing and asking why her friend would do something like that. It was a complete non-issue, not at all something to get upset about, but I found myself having to use the same defences my mother used only a few days before that. This could be entirely a once off thing, but I can't shake the feeling that he's trying to distance my mother from her friends too. The friend is question is only a relatively new friend. This might be all coincidence.

The marriage plans also have me concerned. It started off with my mother saying it would be in the distance future, but I knew John wanted it sooner. Now they're looking at new schools for my two younger siblings. I heard them talking about just the two of them getting married with random witnesses. I would usually have no problem with this, but I'm wondering if this is just because John wants to take my mother from us. They're also looking at building a two bedroomed house. My mother has put a huge amount of time, money and sacrifice building the house we currently live in.

There were a few major problems along the way, including getting robbed of a significant portion of money. This house is my home. I've been through some major traumas but the house was my grounding rock. Even when things got really tough, I could always go home. Now they're talking about selling the house, instead of John moving in here (he currently lives with his mother on a farm which is already willed to his nieces). I can't afford to buy the house as I am doing a postgraduate which won't be over until after they've moved in together, which is another problem as I am currently living at home as I can't afford rent with no funding.

For example, John arrived yesterday when my mother wasn't home. Myself and my sister were laughing about buying a cow for all the milk we use in the house. He tells us we'd never stick it as that would mean actually getting up in the morning. I do get up early most mornings.
I had dinner made for all six of us and waiting for everyone to get home (and dessert). When the rest of my family came in, John had decided we needed to go out for dinner, so we did and mine went to waste.
Before going out to dinner, I asked my mother to plait my hair. I can do it myself, but she's much better at it and it's something we've always done. She was about half way through when John says "you know, if you actually practiced, your mother wouldn't have to do it and you wouldn't be so useless". It was, as normal, said in a jokey tone.
At dinner, my youngest brother tapped a glass and called for a speech in a playing way. John muttered (I didn't hear him, my other brother did) that if he were to make a speech, it would be about how much you all don't help around the house.
This morning, I got up and John had tried to empty the dishwasher. By tried I mean, he had opened the cultery draw and left the little dishwasher box sitting on top of it, he left all the pots and pans in a heap on the counter, he had fired all the mugs and glasses in so that most of them had to be washed again, he left all the cupboard doors open, he left the sponge sitting in a pot I had left to soak and so was full of grease, and the few things that had been put into the dishwasher had to be taken out again to be rinsed. The kitchen looked like a bomb hit it and if it wasn't for the fact I had filled the dishwasher so knew what went into it, I wouldn't tell what was clean or not. It's not the first time I've had to clean up after him but undoubtedly he went up to my mother and bragged about how much he did this morning.

Most of his comments about us are about how useless we are, and about how little we do to help our mother and therefore we don't care about her (compared to how much he supposedly does). He lives at home with his own mother, has never cooked a meal in his life and has a cleaner. On the other hand, we do help out. I do my own washing, I do a lot of the school runs or activity runs for my younger siblings. I do the dishes a lot of the nights and cook the odd dinner. This is all while holding down a job to pay for my loan and car, studying, and volunteering. The comments are working too. We've been given out to by my mother for the house not being clean enough, for being happy to live like pigs, when the house was fine. It wasn't show room quality, there was maybe a just used mug sitting on the table and a jumper hanging over the back of the chair, but it was by no means a mess, which caused the first argument I've ever had with my mother.

I've started to get panic attacks at the thought of losing my mother and my house. In fact, I had to go away from writing this as laying it out in front of me caused another one, so I apologise if it gets a bit muddled. We've already lost so much, we've already been through so much, I'm not sure I can cope with this.

We want to talk with our mother about it, but there's a few things that cause us to hesitate. The first being any criticism of John (even small things) has been met with her losing her temper. John has been dropping hints about the idea of kicking me out, in his usually "jokey" manner so I'm scared if we do say anything, he'll use it to further that. The second is that none of us want to be the reason to cause hurt to our mother. She's also been though enough, and she seems very happy with John. We don't want to take that away from her, and I feel rotten for even considering it. When your in the midst of it, it's hard to tell if it would be the right thing to do, or if it's just horribly selfish and only stemming from what happened with our father. I keep trying to give him chances, I keep telling myself that I'm only imagining it, I keep saying that I only feel this way about him because of my own issues and it's not actually that bad. None of the rest of the family see it. But if he is trying to seperate our mother from us and her friends, then surely something needs to be said?

There are other examples of comments and little things, but three years worth could take up a lot of time. Should we say it to her? Or should are we all being selfish and should just leave her in her happiness?

Ghekko

I think you have to say it. It appears you all live at home so he is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home and this is not on. I think you all need to sit down with your mum, without John, and explain how he belittles you all. He sounds like a right manipulative prat.

I Am_Not_Ice

This man sounds like an absolute horror show to be honest. All you can do is try to make your mother aware of your concerns about him in a calm and reasonable manner. However, if I were you I'd also make it clear to her that the next time this "John" character is disrespectful to you you're going to put him in his place. And make sure to follow through on that promise. He may be your mum's partner but he's not yours and it would be more than my self-esteem is worth to allow some arrogant, abusive blow-in with a big mouth to treat me like dirt in my own home.

Good luck and stay strong!

Skibunny77

Buy Don Hennessys book 'how he gets into her head' OP. You have identified multiple red flags and the book is an excellent resource in helping your mother identify his behaviour for what it is. If you have a conversation with her, simply focus on the problematic behaviour and how it makes you feel and the concerns you would have for her - she is unlikely to make a decision straight away, but you are planting the seeds so that she can start to identify his behaviour as poor or hurtful, rather than joking.

LegacyUser

Your mother would appear to have her fears and insecurities of being alone in later life as her children get to an age where they'll be moving on and moving out. That leaves her open to picking the wrong relationship, with a man who exploits those fears, and sure enough, he's arrived. It's all typical abusive, controlling behaviour from him to isolate her, undermine her and control her. If she continues in the relationship, he will damage and destroy the relationships around her, cut her off completely and eventually he will almost certainly start physically abusing her. Your story isn't as uncommon as you would think.

I think you and your siblings need to talk to your mother. Calmly, together, lovingly, constructively, with no judgement of her actions, tell her everything he's done, tell her you believe it will get worse, tell her you fear for her and the health and happiness of your family, fears that are very well grounded in what's happened so far. She will be hurt, defensive, afraid, a little wounded, but she and you will recover. If you don't all tell her what's happening already and what will almost certainly happen in the future, those wounds could become so deep that they never heal.

ShaShaBear

I would definitely try to organise getting her on her own in a safe location away from John to discuss this with her properly. It looks shockingly like he is trying to isolate her from her children, and don't be one bit surprise if the verbal put-downs and insults pass to your mother once he gets the kids out of the picture! She needs to see how serious this has gotten. Joke or not, you do not refer to future step-children as useless and you certainly do not presume to try and change their entire family set-up without at least discussing it first.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. At least I know I'm not being crazy!

Talking to her without John shouldn't be a problem as John still lives in his own house. I'll talk to her as soon as I can.