Unplanned Pregnancy

LegacyUser

Myself and my fiance are both 32 years old. We are together over 7 years and got engaged last year and were planning to marry next year. We've just bought a house together and have moved in just in the past few weeks. We've both got jobs earning about 35,000 annually. My fiance was planning to retrain and hopefully move job over the next while as he's not very happy in his current role.

As the title suggests I've just found out that I'm pregnant - I am about 4 weeks I think so very early. I am totally unsure of what to do - I feel it has muddled up our plans with regards to having our wedding next year and OH changing jobs. Am afraid we will resent the baby because our options will be limited with weddings and careers.

I just don't have any excitement with regards to pregnancy - just feel anxiety and uncertainty. I feel my OH might resent this as he can't change role or can he - I'm not even sure about anything anymore.

We were just getting used to paying bills and mortgage and now I'm not sure if we can afford a baby and I have fear of becoming homeless or something because we won't afford the crazy childcare costs, etc.

Then I start to think as well that I'm not a spring chick at 32 and if I didn't go through with this pregnancy - what if I couldn't conceive again and I regret it...

I don't know what to do or say but just looking for advice and help and thoughts

Xterminator

Hi Op

if i had 2 pieces of advice for you, they would be

a)dont make a rash decision
b)talk everything out with your partner. dont assume what he thinks.

PS i can tell you there is rarely a perfect time for an unplanned pregnancy. Your not going to go oh the timing is great! Life is a little chaotic.

Yes I agree with Xterminator, we're pretty useless to you here. What you really need to do is sit down and discuss all of your concerns with your partner. You don't have to be dealing with this on your own.

SusieBlue

I agree with PP about thinking things through.

Were kids in your long term plans anyway, and this happened sooner than planned, or had ye decided either way? I think the advice people will give you will depend a lot on whether kids were on your radar or not.

Shelga

If you want to have kids in the future anyway, this does seem like a bit of a no-brainer to be honest.

You're in a long term, secure relationship, both have jobs, and a house. Maybe the timing isn't the best but there are lots of positives here. Try to focus on those and maybe you'll feel happier about it.

If you really never want children that's a different story.

LegacyUser

Yeah just answer the question posted - yeah our plan was to have kids in a year or two when we are married and have settled into house, potential new jobs, etc. We both do certainly want to have children - it's always been a long term plan.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Whispered

Op I was in a similar situation. Married, mortgage, had just agreed to go into business with someone. Found out I was 3 months pregnant.

Kids were never on the cards. We did not want them at all. I cried solid for 4 days. I was sick with upset.

Our little boy is nearly three now. My life is nothing like I had planned it would be. Instead of running business doing what I love I'm a stay at home mammy. Instead of having two incomes and plenty of money to spare, we are struggling away on one wage and casual work for me.
I've never been happier to be honest and genuinely feel so lucky to have the life I do. Every single day something happens that makes my heart sing.

Now- don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should go ahead with this pregnancy if it's not what you want. I did just want to let you know that if you do go ahead and have this baby, things might be different to what you have planned but that doesn't mean things won't be as good.

LegacyUser

To answer the question - Yes we had always planned on having kids. They are in both of our plans - having a family was the long term plan.

I've talked to my OH and he says that he is fine with whatever we decide - he said he will be ok with whatever I want and that we'll be ok whatever happens.

pc7

As others have said at 32 and if kids were in the future, how far down the road would that be? 2,4, 6 years? When your pushing 40. Talk to your oh, you are in a great position to manage and handle things if you want too. If you really don't think you can then please get some help from a proper agency that can advise you.

silverharp

people panic that they need to be in some perfect place to have kids , its not the case. Given your circumstances its still 99% brilliant, good luck!

ainy

Hey op,
we planned our first baby and even then when i got the positive pregnancy test, i had the absolute fear that we wouldn't be able to afford a baby, childminders or that we weren't ready for babies, we still had to buy a house, get married etc, and even as the pregnancy went on and i was doing sums i still panicked about how we would cope.
And the day i went in to the hospital to give birth i bawled at home for about twenty minutes thinking i cant do this.
Well i did, we now have a 2 and half year old and just found out we're expecting number 2,
we are currently living with my in laws, starting a house build, only got engaged this year and had been thinking of weddings next year. So wedding plans are on hold, pressure is on for the build but i wouldn't change it.

theres never a perfect time to have children, but if they are something you had planned for in the future, sure a year or two early wont make a huge difference.

LegacyUser

Yeah I guess I'm just panicking because I imagined the ideal situation where we would be planning it and both be really excited when we got pregnant. I am worried that I feel like this right now and not happy and that will affect my whole pregnancy. And overthinking everything like costs of childcare and all the worries.

My OH says not to worry about any of that right now and it will work out in time but I can't stop worrying...

I just wanted everything to be perfect - married, in jobs we both loved, etc...

kylith

My mother always said that she couldn't afford any of her children, but she had them anyway.

It'll never be the perfect time to have children. There will always be another career rung to aim for, or a bill that has to be paid, you'll never have 'enough' money. You could look at this as a happy accident that has taken the stress of planning and trying out of your hands.

Whatever you decide you'll make it work. Your OH sounds really supportive. Good luck to both of ye.

neonsofa

UnregAugust2017 wrote: »

Yeah I guess I'm just panicking because I imagined the ideal situation where we would be planning it and both be really excited when we got pregnant. I am worried that I feel like this right now and not happy and that will affect my whole pregnancy. And overthinking everything like costs of childcare and all the worries.

My OH says not to worry about any of that right now and it will work out in time but I can't stop worrying...

I just wanted everything to be perfect - married, in jobs we both loved, etc...

Had an unplanned first pregnancy at 16. In my dream job now. You just bring the kids along for the ride, they wish you luck before interviews and celebrate with you when you get the job- the rest all works out naturally. It becomes all the more sweet when you share your milestones with the most precious achievement of all.

shesty

OP...34 here....had two kids in the last 3 years.We were married and in a house but the recession hit us badly....we got married when I was unemployed and only that I got a low paying public sector job a month before we got married, we would have emigrated.Baby no.1 arrived when out combined incomes were about 65k (and we are both professionals, it just so happened that both our careers were destroyed by the recession)...baby no.2 arrived when our combined incomes were a bit more but I was travelling an hour and a half each way to work (and in a brand new job....small surprise!!).I'm in my third job since 2015.OH has changed jobs twice in the last four years.

The thing to know is there is no perfect time to have a baby.None.Everyone I know has small kids and their lives are nuts.....they are moving house, moving country, retraining for a whole new career where they will have to start from scratch again, renovating houses and changing jobs.Life goes on.Family is important and you do what you have to to make things work, something that you only truly discover when the baby arrives.

You need to discuss this with your OH, and be aware that all your feelings are normal.Just keep in mind that life will continue, regardless.

Mr. Incognito

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

There never is a right time.

You are in a long term secured relatinship.

I think you will be grand. Just enjoy it.

Tenigate

Hi op, early days yet so don't panic.

if you do decide to have the baby..

You have the house - so you don't need to worry about mortgage approval. That's positive.
You both have good jobs and hopefully you can save a bit over the next few months. Hopefully you get maternity pay at work too.

The wedding.. well it's meant to be a big day for you & now you can either rush it to get married before the baby comes along, or put it off in the hopes you can afford a big wedding down the line. I know a couple who, after getting pregnant both changed careers - their daughter ended up being flower girl at their wedding. That's life. They had a big wedding and some older people grumbled "was their any need for this, they've already had a child together".. well, that's people for ya.

Just don't try to read your partner's mind, or attribute resentment to him. Good relationship, nice house, decent job and able to pursue a better one when the dust settles a bit.. sounds like a kid would be the icing on the cake.

So, best of luck with whatever you decide. :P

Whispered

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

never a truer word spoken (or sang)

nikkibikki

While neither of my pregnancies were unplanned as such, the first one was a surprise in that we expected it to take a year or more to get pregnant. At the time, we were literally just after landing back from a year travelling. Living in my parents house. Not even engaged. We've since had that baby, bought a house and renovated it. Recession then hit and we were down to 1 income. Eventually an entry level job came up, he worked his way one rung up the ladder but there was no further progression there and he hated it to the brink of depression. We got married and, with a bit of difficulty, got pregnant again. But this time with twins! They've since been born and we had to move out again to build an extension to make room for them. And hubby was offered redundancy, took it hand and all, and is now in a great job that includes the retraining he wanted to do.

TLDR - The point I'm trying to make is, things have a way of working out. None of the above was easy to go through. We are still on low enough income but we've never been happier.

Nobody can tell you whether to proceed with the pregnancy or not. That's your decision to make. I know someone who had a termination in college but now has 4children who probably wouldn't be here if she had had that baby. I also know people who had crisis pregnancies in college and had the baby and went on to have more and things worked out brilliantly there too.

LirW

I have a 6 month old poop trooper here next to me that arrived around 2 years too early and I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Good friends of us really want children, they are in their late 20s, good income, own house, married yet she makes a million excuses why she can't do it now while raving over other babies and complaining why she hasn't any yet.
On the other hand, my sister is in college, and expects hers in 3 weeks - she's alone, the father turned the back on her and she is now very positive to handle this alone.

There isn't a perfect time. You are well set up, better than a lot of other people in that age. I know where you're coming from and only you can make this decision, but don't make a hasty one. Let it sink in a few days.
If you think it ruins the wedding plans, you can still get married with children, no biggie. We found out I'm pregnant the day we wanted to put the deposit down for our venue of choice. We cancelled everything and it was the right thing to do for us.

Ursus Horribilis

Is there ever a right time to fall pregnant? From what I can see, a lot of your circumstances are good. You're in a long-term, stable relationship. You've bought your house, you're both working. This doesn't come across to me as being a crisis pregnancy. It seems to be more of a curveball really. You have what I would consider to have an idealised, Hollywood vision of how your future life will go. The baby will just upset your timeline a bit, not ruin everything. You're still going to get married. You can both still get to have the jobs you want. It might take a bit longer but there's no reason why you can't get there in the end. Please don't make any rash decisions. Perhaps talking to someone in Positive Options might help? http://www.positiveoptions.ie

screamer

The pregnancy might be unplanned...but you can change your other plans if you decide to go through with the pregnancy. You can change your wedding plans..... Jobs come and go.... So does money....and there is no ideal time to have a baby.... Who knows your partner could be delighted to know he has created a tiny life.... You need to talk it through with him and decide what you both want. Good luck.

Neyite

Even a planned pregnancy is a bit of a shock sometimes when you finally get that result in that it does shock you into really assessing are you fully ready or not.

We had our baby at the height of the recession. My job in particular was on uncertain ground and we had both gotten big pay cuts. We did worry like you about childcare fees or the cost of other baby stuff. But you do get through it. Much easier than I thought we would have to be honest.

Maternity leave for me was only statutory pay. By cutting back a lot, and dipping into savings I was able to take the extra 16 weeks. Creche was eye-watering for a while, but as they get older the costs go down and you also qualify for ECCE supplement which really eased our finances the last 2 years, allowing us to upgrade the car and move to a bigger place. Now I have just paid my last creche bill, I'll be throwing that money back into our savings to get us back to where we were a few years ago. Yeah it's been stretched at times, but it's been a lot easier and cheaper than I imagined when I got pregnant. But that pales in comparison to what having a baby, having this kid has brought to our lives.

Having kids is never perfect. Getting pregnant with them is rarely as perfect as we imagine. Our pregnancies, the birth and the newborn days are far from the perfect image we have in our heads. You wont be perfect parents (they only exist before they have their kids ) but chances are you've the potential to be great ones even if you do make the odd mistake. Kids need our attention, our love, food and shelter. The first two are free. The rest all falls into place along the way no matter how dire your circumstances may seem.

All the best.

bee06

OP, I was one of the women who waited until everything was "perfect". Got married, moved into the house, changed jobs and went on our last big holiday before the baby. Then we started trying ... and trying and trying. In the end it took a year and half, 3k in fertility treatments and it almost broke me mentally. And I consider myself lucky that that's "all" it was considering what others have been through.

Now I don't think you should go ahead with it if you feel it's not right but if the timing is your only reason then the time is never perfect. Good luck with whatever you decide.

LushiousLips

Whatever you do decide to do.....I promise you that you will not resent your baby.
Best of luck

eviltwin

LushiousLips wrote: »

Whatever you do decide to do.....I promise you that you will not resent your baby.
Best of luck

To be fair you can't make that promise.

There's a lot of 'ah sure, it'll be grand' when you have an unplanned pregnancy and it can be grand if both parties are prepared to work together. But unplanned is different to unwanted and it really boils down to that distinction. You are in a good place and lots of people make it work with less and perfection is over rated. Good luck.

mr_edge_to_you

As a 36yr old parent of two I too can confirm that there is no good time to have kids. There'll always be something on the horizon - even when they are planned.

Also, when people talk about trying to have a baby, it's a process that can take some time. Life doesn't stop while your trying!

Anyway talk to your partner and good luck!

ShaShaBear

I can also agree that there is never a good time to have a baby. We proactively decided on our first while I was just about to graduate, my OH was in an extremely well-paying job with strong whispers of a big promotion, we had a stable home with plenty of space and no financial issues.

10 weeks before I was due, my husband had to take his boss to court for trying to involve him in illegal activities at work and for non-payment of wages to the tune of a 4 figure sum, and I can assure you, the first digit was not a 1! We never got it all back, there was a blind panic to buy second hand baby items as we had no money to get them while pregnant because of the wage issue, and I failed an exam from the stress and was going to have to sit a repeat to get my degree. Not to mention, my husband was now claiming social welfare. That is how quickly things go tits up!

When I was in labour with my second child, we ran into an unexpected flood on the way to the hospital, had to write off our car and borrow thousands to put a new one on the road as she ended up being a regular visitor to Temple Street. We were so broke for the first few months of her life as we had booked our wedding before the incident!

Can't wait to start trying for number 3 - maybe the house will go up in flames when we're on holidays :rolleyes:

_Roz_

If you wanted kids anyway at some point, then you're in a very good position to have the baby.

If, however, you do not feel that having it is the correct choice for you and your partner at this moment in time, then don't have it. It really has to come down to what you and your partner feel is feasible and right for you both.