Girlfriend recording our private conversation

LegacyUser

I was talking to my girlfriend earlier in the day, disagreement about something minor. A few hours later she played a recording of something I said at the time, recording just lasted 10 seconds. I asked how long was the recording and she said over 5 minutes. At the time I'd no idea she was recording our conversation.

I've been thinking about it, was that the first time she done that or in future will I wonder if shes recording other conversations. I asked her about it now but she said she's tired, doesnt think its a big deal.

What do others think if you were in this situation?

Redser87

That would be a major red flag for me. Couples have been able to resolve arguments for generations without the need for recording. I would question what she intends to do with what she had recorded - does it ever get deleted? It also suggests a certain need for control that would worry me.

Akrasia

Is she a big Fr Ted fan

leggo

I was in a relationship before where, after arguments, I was like "I wish I'd recorded that so she could see what she's like and how she speaks to me..."

Thing is, though, I don't feel that way now. That was a poisonous relationship and those feelings were caused by a breakdown in communication in general. Good relationships should be able to resolve issues by talking them through: both seeing the other person's side, how it benefits the relationship as a whole and how having a strong relationship with this person is worth finding a compromise that makes both sides happy.

That isn't to say that you're in a bad relationship, mind, you've given very little actual info about the relationship or argument to gauge that. Perhaps this could be a reflex or go-to she has from being in a previously bad relationship. I'd say what you both need to look at is why she felt the need to record it, what caused it and what went wrong for you two chatting not being able to resolve the issue without these kind of tactics. Explore this honestly, with an open mind that it could touch on things that either of you are uncomfortable with, and you'll get your answer.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It's a pretty serious thing to do but there are some possibilities that would make it less bad. Mostly depends what was on the recording.

Like leggo says, was it a clip of you using aggressive or abusive language? Or did you say for example "I didn't say I left it in the car" and she has a clip of you "I left it in the car". I do know a couple of people who routinely re-write history and conversations and believe their own rewrites. It's headwrecking.

It's something to be wary of but it's hard to make a call without more information.

woodchuck

Is there any reason she might feel she needs to record the conversation? As mentioned above, do you say one thing and then deny ever having said it? It's a technique used in gaslighting that makes the other person doubt their sanity. I'm not saying that that's what you're doing, but having been on the other side of the fence, it's the first place my mind went.

If there is genuinely no logical reason that she would need to record the conversation, then yeah, it's a red flag.

There are obviously communication issues and that goes both ways. Ask her why she felt the need to record the conversation (maybe there's a reason you're unaware of) and talk about your concerns about the situation.

silverharp

she is a loon, run!

redfox123

This is something that might happen if a couple has got to seriously toxic levels of arguments and miscommunication..where one is gaslighting the other, being over dramatic, defensive, hurtful etc, and then denying it or downplaying what happened. Is any of this true? Has she told you that you aren't really listening to her? It's pretty extreme to record a conversation and not tell your partner. Is there a lot of arguments? This kind of thing doesn't happen in any kind of healthy relationship. Not blaming you, she was out of line, but more context is needed!

... I think either you, your relationship, or she is broken if it has got to the stage that she's recording your personal conversations & replaying them back to you.

Something is broken. Definitely broken.

OP, do you have a history of abuse with her?

Yellow pack crisps

If you have children with this person then expect your voice to be heard loud over a speaker system in a court. You if you can't communicate in a rational manner then don't!

MissShihTzu

Definitely odd behaviour. Has your girlfriend done this before?

It's also telling she now says she's 'tired' and 'doesn't want to talk about it'. I think she's realised she's screwed up and doesn't want to face that. I think there's an element of insecurity and control here.

You definitely need to talk about this and decide what you want to do following that. Personally, I would view something like that as a deal breaker and walk. What would she do next - Record you when having sex? :eek:

Wibbs

Redser87 wrote: »

That would be a major red flag for me. Couples have been able to resolve arguments for generations without the need for recording. I would question what she intends to do with what she had recorded - does it ever get deleted? It also suggests a certain need for control that would worry me.

This. Me, I'd personally be looking for an exit strategy TBH. If it was a one off? We all have our nutty moments, so I'd give leeway on that score. However if it was a regular thing or mixed with other nutty behaviour of a similar type, then see above. Byeee.

Now it might be a generational thing too? More people seem to record more aspects of their lives these days, so maybe this is another example of that? Still, to record someone involves intent and planning. Her response of "Im tired, I don't wanna talk about it" would reinforce my exit strategy TBH. So someone pulls a fast one on me, someone they no doubt claim to love/care about and when called on it bails? Nope.

whiskeyman

Run.
Run fast!
This is not normal.
She needs help.
You need to get out of there quick.

bucketybuck

galpar25 wrote: »

What do others think if you were in this situation?

I think you have a major problem.

Finding out that your partner has been recording your conversations is one of those things that defaults to being completely inappropriate, and only becomes reasonable if there was a very compelling reason or chain of events that led to it.

Is there a compelling reason that she would do that? Because if there isn't then its like I said, you have a major problem.

sbsquarepants

galpar25 wrote: »

What do others think if you were in this situation?

There is little need for context here, it's nuts plain and simple- get yourself a new girlfriend.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

To be fair, the "I'm tired, we'll talk about in the morning" line presumably came shortly before the OP, which was at almost 3am on a weeknight. If she pulled it at 10pm it'd definitely be avoiding the issue or giving herself time to strategise but I'd say it's fair enough to tap out of most conversations short of "I'm riding your dad" at that hour.

Dr Crayfish

I had a partner once who towards the end was attacking me, tearing my hair out, punching me in the face, smashing up phones and laptops... the list goes on. Twice one of her siblings had to pull her off me. She would totally play it down or vehemently deny it the next day, even if I was still bleeding.
I for one wished to god at the time I could have recorded some of this to show her and she how she dealt with hard evidence. She'd usually blame drink, or me, somehow. I honestly doubt she even thinks it ever happened now.
Anyway we don't know the OPs story, we only know the angelic sides of stories in RI but for all I know that girl could be going through something like I did.

sbsquarepants

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

.
Anyway we don't know the OPs story, we only know the angelic sides of stories in RI but for all I know that girl could be going through something like I did.

Point taken - so I'll amend my advice to this - "one of you is nuts, it's probably best you go your separate ways"!

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

This. Me, I'd personally be looking for an exit strategy TBH. If it was a one off? We all have our nutty moments, so I'd give leeway on that score. However if it was a regular thing or mixed with other nutty behaviour of a similar type, then see above. Byeee.

Now it might be a generational thing too? More people seem to record more aspects of their lives these days, so maybe this is another example of that? Still, to record someone involves intent and planning. Her response of "Im tired, I don't wanna talk about it" would reinforce my exit strategy TBH. So someone pulls a fast one on me, someone they no doubt claim to love/care about and when called on it bails? Nope.

I don't necessarily think it's a generational thing. I have never heard of other couples doing this, who would be considered of the age that would likely do it.

Whatever about the recording, I personally feel it is one thing entirely for her to play it back later on. When you think about it - that would require some degree of effort. Finding a specific 10 seconds in a 5 minute recording and having it ready.

Did she edit it so that the clip was just 10 seconds long or did she have it cued?

It either speaks of an incredible amount of passive-aggressive (hell, even bordering on active-aggressive) or of a woman abused/suffering a toxic relationship (I've often heard of people recording/videotaping/whatever else and then replaying the clip at a later point, so the abuser/source of the issue can see what they're like in the moment - a most famous example is David Hasslehoff asking his daughter to videotape him when he's drunk, so he can see what it's like when he's sober).

That's why it's important to question what is broken in that relationship, because something is.

professore

Are you one of those people that always has to be right OP and claim you never said X or when you said X it was clear you actually meant Y when X turns out to be wrong? If so I don't blame her for recording you and calling you out on this. Otherwise she's a nutcase.

Neyite

The concerning part of it is that for whatever reason, she feels the need to record your fights.

That's not normal behaviour whether it's coming from a place of unwarranted paranoia on her part or whether it's a fear of you twisting things to always make it her fault. Nobody knows unless they witness your fight.

Either way, that's not behaviour you'll find in a healthy loving relationship. It sounds miserable and draining and will eventually kill off that relationship. Probably best to put it out of it's misery, end it and let you both move on to healthier relationships.

The_Valeyard

Get out. Now.

Major Red Alert Klaxons sounding

The Young Wan

Not only is this incredibly immature behaviour, but 9 times out of 10 it's illegal to record someone without their permission.