Can relationships with large income gaps work?

LegacyUser

While similar in title to an AH thread of late, I'm actually looking for some wisdom.

Going out with a lady (around 9 months in now) who is doing pretty well for herself. On the other hand I've seen posts in PI about savings and overheard conversations about saving / pensions / spending, and it makes me sweat a little.

There's no expectation on me to pay for everything; we're pretty good on splitting things (or getting the other back for a dinner here and there). But travel is a big one as she'll throw out multiple trips that she'd like to take in the not-too-distant future. Not an option for me and while I can afford the week to week pleasantries, multiple trips would require a significant change in my spending.

So, how do you handle an income difference? And at what point do you sit down and get frank about earnings, savings, and so on?

George Sunsnow

LowerEarner wrote: »

While similar in title to an AH thread of late, I'm actually looking for some wisdom.

Going out with a lady (around 9 months in now) who is doing pretty well for herself. On the other hand I've seen posts in PI about savings and overheard conversations about saving / pensions / spending, and it makes me sweat a little.

There's no expectation on me to pay for everything; we're pretty good on splitting things (or getting the other back for a dinner here and there). But travel is a big one as she'll throw out multiple trips that she'd like to take in the not-too-distant future. Not an option for me and while I can afford the week to week pleasantries, multiple trips would require a significant change in my spending.

So, how do you handle an income difference? And at what point do you sit down and get frank about earnings, savings, and so on?

It's a relationship,ye get on well right?
So if she wants you to come along on trips,let her pay for the flights& accomadation if she wants to
On the understanding that it means that much to her that you can come

Don't put another thought into it or let ego get in the way
Then go if you want to,life's too short

ted1

If you have baby , there's a strong likelihood that you may go down to only having 1 incone, which is what a large number if Irish adults do. So yes it's possible

jon1981

Something men ( and women) will have to adjust to in years to come is a man not being the main bread winner.

It's interesting to wonder that if your situations were switched would she have posted here ? (For generations it has been the norm that men earned more than women.)

I would be up front and say you can't live that lifestyle yet. I've a friend who has no savings because he's in your situation, she wasn't too happy when she found out 2yrs into the relationship while planning to rent together, that he had no real savings due to trying to keep her with her lifestyle. (Both late 20s)

Bambi985

LowerEarner wrote: »

And at what point do you sit down and get frank about earnings, savings, and so on?

I'd go in with the full disclosure as soon as possible if I were you. Age is a big factor here too - if you're late 20s/early 30s and at a point where living together and making all those big future plans will likely be on the radar soon - it's important that she's aware that all these big trips and fancy restaurant nights every week are seriously impeding you from building your savings to allow for the bigger stuff down the line.

I've known relationships to break up over this stuff. Not the fact that he's making less - but more the money management aspect of it and lack of communication which meant that a few years in, she suddenly realised she was on her own when it came to trying for a mortgage, planning a wedding, saving for kids down the line etc.

Relationships are about compromise, and she'll need to understand that you can't be flying off on fancy trips regularly if the big-picture stuff is to be accounted for. I'm sure she'll have plenty of friends to travel with if it comes down to it.

Eric Cartman

Being honest, attitude to money matters a lot, income difference still matters a bit though in my opinion

Now if we're talking 1 person on 25k the other on 40k then I wouldn't really worry, but somebody on 18k with somebody on 60k is really going to put strain on things. For the high earner its frustrating that you can't go on holidays, trips, to restaurants, all the nights out that you want because your partner simply can't keep up , you have two options of either resenting them because you didn't have the experiences/trips you wanted and could afford, or you resent them over time when you realise just how much its costing you to keep hanging out and doing these things.

For the person on the lower end they may feel inadequate or like they're taking advantage which over time will end up with them just feeling really guilty.

Attitudes to spending also matter, especially when kids roll around, if you're partner was to become pregnant and you are the sole breadwinner, you might be the type who shops in lidl, brings their own popcorn to the cinema or wouldn't dare pay for a high end restaurant, while your partner is dependent on you you might resent her a lot were she taking your money and spending it on nights out, shopping in donnybrook fair, going to the theatre etc… things some people perceive as a 'waste of money'

Financial reasons are the no.1 reason for divorce, as bad as it is to say, economics play a massive part in relationships.

December2012

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Financial reasons are the no.1 reason for divorce, as bad as it is to say, economics play a massive part in relationships.

What are you basing this on? Given that there is no fault in divorce proceedings?

OP a lot depends on your attitudes to spending and your views on making more money. I'm sure a conversation can give you the reassurance that you're both moving in the same direction. No harm to have the chat now.

Eric Cartman

December2012 wrote: »

What are you basing this on? Given that there is no fault in divorce proceedings?

OP a lot depends on your attitudes to spending and your views on making more money. I'm sure a conversation can give you the reassurance that you're both moving in the same direction. No harm to have the chat now.

A citibank survey sited that money was a large factor in 57% of divorces. you can google citibank divorce survey and take a look at millions of articles written about it, depending on what you class as real news and what outcomes you want to draw from it.

SusanC10

I agree with the others who have said that attitude to money and spending priorities matters more than any income gap. Also communication and honesty.

When my Husband and I started going out I earned twice what he did. However, he was still training which I knew and I was newly qualified. He had had v low outgoings previously and had Savings whereas I did not.
But we were honest with each other.

When we moved in together we split Rent, Bills etc 50/50. We then bought a House together having discussed the financials. He provided more of the Deposit but my Income got us a higher Mortgage. We did not over-extend ourselves with the Mortgage though the Bank were willing to give us far more. We continued to split outgoings 50/50 until we got married. Then we pooled our Earnings and Savings.

He qualified and we earned roughly the same for a while. Then I went on Maternity Leave and my Company did not top up so it was only the State Maternity Benefit. When I returned to work I went on a 3 day week so my Income reduced. Recession came. A second Maternity Leave followed by Redundancy for me and Paycuts for him. Then 2 Promotions for him. He is now the sole Earner.

Our spending patterns - mine in particular - have changed dramatically since the Kids came along and our Income dramatically reduced. We set a limit for each other's Christmas and Birthday Gifts and other than that all discretionary spending over €100 is discussed.

It works because we agree on our priorities and spending habits.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

jon1981

+1 on the proportional split.

Basically we worked out what we would both be comfortable living on. So as an example I might put 65% of my income into a joint account and herself put 45% of her income, which essentially leaves us with the same money at the end of the month. We're married and have a house but we agreed to this while not married but saving to buy 5 yrs ago.

It's best to try and level the playing field, if I demanded she matched the value of my 50% it would leave her with 30% of her salary ... that's not very fair. I think if both of you have a similar attitude to money, this can work, however if the lower earner is spendthrift or the higher earner feels like it puts them in a position of control/power because they contribute more... this will lead to serious problems.

(btw the %figures I'm using are examples).