Worried for a friend

LegacyUser

I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

I have a friend who is married and her husband is just the worst.

He comes home off his head on drugs after being out for days at a time and beats the living daylights out of the girl. She struggles to walk some days as he hits her in her torso so hurts her stomach/back etc.

He has harmed her with a knife previously and told her to tell anyone who asked that she was self harming. He has burned her and held her hand over gas stoves etc. We have reported him to the guards on numerous occasions when he has gotten out of control and lost it with her and she was able to get to a phone to call for help but he plays the nice guy card and tells guards she has mental problems and is making it up for attention.

They have children (don't want to say how many) and she tries to get them to bed before he comes home off a bender and starts on her but the eldest is starting to ask questions and he is telling the child that mammy is crazy and starting fights and he's only trying to calm her down.

He goes through her phone, she's not allowed have FB etc and he made her resign from her last job. He even cut up her debit card so she only has the joint credit card now so he can monitor her spending.

She has told me her family won't listen and she won't take her kids to a women's refuge. I am so terrified one of these days I will see a headline about a mother found dead in her house because he has put her in hospital before and told hospital she threw herself down stairs,he is a vindictive liar and will never admit anything untoward going on. She has begged me not to call guards again and wants to try put together a plan to get away from him but I've heard all of this from her before and he just behaves for a few months and then pulls her back in before starting the cycle again.

I was in an abusive relationship before myself and I know how hard it is to leave but there were no kids involved and when I try to sympathise with her, she throws that in my face. I don't know what to do but I fear for her life every day and it's only a matter of time before he does something serious as his drug use is escalating and I can just see this getting more out of hand every day. Today was a bad day, he was awful to her and I am really upset for my friend and what she is going through.

Could anyone advise me what I could do to help her help herself?

retro:electro

You need to make a referral to TUSLA. Those kids are in danger and shouldn't be in that house.

Robsweezie

Womens aid. Now.

BetsyEllen

Could you maybe call Women's Aid or any other refuge and have a chat about your concerns?
They may offer to call her and speak to her, be able to persuade her that a refuge is the best place for her and her kids right now.

GavMan

What did the Guards say? They don't generally just buy the nice guy routine. Wife must have refused to co-operate or something.

Could you/Would you (would she) consider leaving to stay at your place for now if she wont go to a refuge?

Rachiee

If she is interested in making a plan but not going to a shelter womens aid can help her make one. They wont force her to do anything and can be just someone for her to talk to. So next time she shows any reflection or interest try to encourage her to ring them. In the mean time unfortunately you really need to report the issue to tusla. Even if he has never laid a finger on the children they can hear and see what is going on and it is extremely traumatic for them.

nikkibikki

One day, one of the kids will try to stand up for their Mammy and they will get seriously, physically hurt. They are already being mentally hurt. They are innocent children with no say in staying in this situation or leaving. She is an adult and has a say. Someone needs to speak up for the children. Please get in touch with TUSLA asap. There are emergency social workers on call at weekends. Maybe then your friend will see sense and leave her abusive partner but until then, please do what you can to get the kids out of that home.

Guffy

Im sorry but you have to forget about what your friend wants here. Please call Tusla, the children have to take priority here. Explain the full situation to them so that they can expect no co-operation from the mother.

As a previous poster said, what happens if one of the kids try to stand up for their mum? If they are injured your friend isnt the only one to blame!

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies.

I'm trying not to give too much away but due to concern (thank you) just want to clarify the kids aren't there all the time, as we (her friends) have intervened over summer as we were worried for them since he started getting out of control on drugs all the time, so we mind the children at varying intervals during the week (try to time it when he's at home or drop them back just before he goes out) and do football, trips to beach, and do sleepovers with pals etc just to get them out of house.

I appreciate all the referrals and suggestions and we are trying to get a plan of action together for her tomorrow as the last two days he has been horrific and she's really at breaking point so I think we need go strike while she's in this mindset of just wanting out (kids are safe in mobile on "hols" with cousins atm) He has such control over her it's genuinely terrifying. I've never thought I'd felt the need to intervene in somebody's life but sometimes you have to, I think.

Look out for your friends is all I can say. This was going on for 1.5yrs before any of us copped it.

Emme

Another poster suggested contacting Women's Aid. I second that. Here is a link to a fb page which might be helpful. The organisers suffered domestic violence and are very responsive to queries. They might be able to advise you on what to do about your friend.
https://www.facebook.com/stopdomesticviolenceinireland/

In some cases the Gardai can be helpful but sometimes they don't want to get involved in domestic violence cases. Ireland does not have a good record of helping victims of domestic violence. See this link to a recent Irish Times article:
https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/ireland-fails-to-protect-human-rights-of-women-affected-by-domestic-violence-1.2260281

Also try to get the children out of there. It's only a matter of time before one or more of them gets seriously hurt or worse.