In Denial friend accused me of rape

MikeRotch2208

So after a night of drinking, my friend (who admitted to being bi curious) and I were walking back to his. We stopped for a bit and sat down before his and chatted. He started to cuddle me and hold hands etc. Nothing much. We then left for his and we both got into his bed and we cuddled.
Then we kissed, only for a few seconds, but instead of pulling away he pushed into it, with his tongue. It happened again after a couple of minutes, again for only a few seconds and we cuddled again. But then he grabbed my hand and brought it down to his pants. I asked multiple times if he wanted me to stop, which he replied "Whatever happens, happens" and I asked him a final time and she said no, that he wanted me to continue. After that we fell asleep.
He woke up in a panic and left for a minute and came back in, demanding to see my phone. He then said it didn't happen, called it rape, and asked me to leave so he can think.

This was a couple of days ago and I'm still in shock tbh. I can't stop thinking about the situation. It's completely ****ed me over. I can't even sleep properly.

I've just recently finished counselling but already thinking of going back, because of this. Hes completely ignoring me, as we work together, and goes out of his way to avoid me.

I genuinely don't know what to do and any advice would be appreciated.

baby and crumble

mod note: please remember that we cannot give legal advice on this forum

Duncanwooly

I would just leave him alone for a while. He's clearly not comfortable with what happened. If the situation looks like it might repeat just step out of it. I don't think it would be worth it for your emotional health to get involved.

If you are going to talk to someone, make sure it's someone you know already.

MikeRotch2208

It's very hard tbh because before this we were best friends. And now he'd go out of his way to avoid me. I messaged him 2 days after that we have to talk, and he ignored that. I can still see he's struggling and I'm worried about him (but that stems into my problems)

I had to let someone know because I keep breaking down. I can't stop thinking about it and I feel really bad. And I feel worse because the last thing I'd want is to out him as well. So I feel I can't tell anyone

3pac

"I never said you could touch MikeRotch"

road_high

Sounds like an utter head melt person. To imply or accuse rape just to deal with his own "issues" is the lowest of the low in my opinion, especially if you say he is a "friend". That's a very loaded and serious thing to imply. And beyond cowardly

smelly sock

Obviously likes the ho's and not Bro's.

Help!!!!

Am sorry to hear what happened, might be in your interest to save any correspondence between the two of you.....just in case.

Hitman3000

MikeRotch2208 wrote:

It's very hard tbh because before this we were best friends. And now he'd go out of his way to avoid me. I messaged him 2 days after that we have to talk, and he ignored that. I can still see he's struggling and I'm worried about him (but that stems into my problems)

Nothing you can do until he is ready to talk. He panicked, most likely in denial just give him time. As for yourself, you asked multiple times and you got the green light, pretty crap behaviour on his behalf to accuse you of rape but again denial. Hope all comes good for you.

Annasopra

3pac wrote: »

"I never said you could touch MikeRotch"

This isn't a coversation for jokes

MikeRotch2208

I was also warned by a friend to stay away from him in work, in case he makes up a harassment claim, which I'm pretty sure won't happen, but I never thought he'd think of me this way.

This entire week has been torture, and I can't do ****. Hes not popular atm in the workplace because of other actions that night and I just want to make sure he's ok. But obviously he'll just blank me.

It's just an awful and terrible position I'm in. And Im afraid he'll do something stupid/reckless and I'd feel even worse than I do now. I was gonna try message again but it could be seen as "harassment" etc.

Thanks for all your replies, very helpful

Big Bag of Chips

Leave him be. His problems are not yours, no matter how good friends you are. You can't take responsibility for him, his personal problems or his work issues. The more you offer help, the bigger the reaction you will get from him.

You might have felt you were best friends, but friends fall out/drift apart all the time. He has not publicly accused you of rape, and he is unlikely to. You didn't rape him, you know that, he knows that.

I think for now you need to blank him. Completely. Anything else is just inviting trouble.

J_E

Create distance immediately. That is an extremely hurtful and dangerous accusation to make falsely. Whenever he is ready to sort his own head out, maybe then he can apologise to you. Until then, back away, let time calm things down. Really awful behaviour from him.

Ten of Swords

Your friend has had a major overreaction and said some messed up things to you. To me it seems that he got carried away with experimentation and in hindsight he panicked and didn't know what to do. I assume he demanded to see your phone to check for messages/pictures/footage of your encounter, did you let him check it?

Anyway, as others have said, you need to back right away from this guy while he works this out, even if it causes awkwardness at work. He will either sort this out in his head and you can both talk it out eventually or he won't. If he's unwilling to move past it then you should consider that he may no longer be your friend. Either way, there is nothing more you can do right now and messaging him will probably cause him more anxiety and therefore be counterproductive. All you can do is let him process this in his own time.

My take on the situation is that he won't accept what happened and reflexively said he'd refer to it as rape if anyone found out. It is an entirely unacceptable accusation to make, especially in the moment, but you aren't being publicly accused of any wrongdoing, he said it as a warning to stay quiet. That said though you certainly shouldn't try to provoke a reaction out of him by continuing to attempt contact with him right now. It sounds like he is not ready to deal with what he did and is now worried about people finding out, he lashed out at you in a moment of shame/embarrassment/fear.

I know the whole situation has left you feeling horrible but do you genuinely think you did something wrong? (you didn't)

gazzer

He accused you of rape. Keep as wide a berth from him as you possibly can. I know you work together but just dont engage with him at all.

Lux23

gazzer wrote: »

He accused you of rape. Keep as wide a berth from him as you possibly can. I know you work together but just dont engage with him at all.

I agree with this. Just leave him alone, if he is a decent friend he will probably come round.

MikeRotch2208

The last week has been the most stressful, and most confusing week ever. Thanks everyone for your advice. Has helped me so much.

He's gone to the point of plain avoiding me, and people are starting to cop on, and obviously I can't just say what happened. Would out him and make him hated, so I don't even know what to say.

When there is any interaction between us I'm afraid I'll come across as too rude, that I should be civil. But I'm just too hurt tbh. I really wanna talk to him ut at the same time I can't stand him.

wakka12

Anyone who accuses you of rape, when it so clearly was far from it, is not a good friend at all

reason vs religion

You did nothing wrong, quite obviously, but it seems that you feel in some way culpable. You weren't! What are we gays supposed to do when a friend shows affection, forcefully kisses us and directs that we rub their d!ck? Withhold in case it causes them later emotional distress?! Well I say, NO!!

In that situation, he is the vulnerable one, with insecurities over his sexuality, yet you're the one brought to distress. Of course, you can be saddened and worried by the current state of your former friendship, but don't let it affect how you view yourself. I'm sure it stings like crazy, but focus on the fact that his projected anger is rooted in self-loathing, not anything about you: you are the functional one!

There's unlikely to be anything that you can change about the situation -- most possible scenarios in which you confront him are bound to make the situation worse. And while I understand the desire to reach out to a former friend in such a situation, the concern you show is almost legitimising his reaction. Possibly most beneficial would be to accept, in the short term, the new silence between you two and to not act awkwardly around him. I would think that if there is any chance of your reconciliation (which, considering you have regular exposure to each other, is fairly high) showing yourself to be the stronger, confident person is the best course of action. Plus, Christmas office party is only around the corner. Maybe he'll respond better to a blowie.

Manion

That's a pretty rough situation to find yourself in. You suggested talking to someone about what happened, that's a good idea. I wouldn't expand too much energy or head space worrying about this guy. For sure he seems very troubled but you need to take care of yourself. Your situation could have happened to anyone.

Maz2016

Sad story OP. I'm sorry to hear your in that situation. Can't imagine how you must feel. Just remember you did nothing wrong. stay strong

CroFag

Wait a minute, you two only kissed & cuddled, but then he accused you of a rape!?

gmisk

CroFag wrote: »

Wait a minute, you two only kissed & cuddled, but then he accused you of a rape!?

I think the OP implied more had happened....
I would avoid him as much as possible and cut him out of your life accusing someone of rape is a horrendous thing to do