Break up: I gave her not enough attention, how can I set this straight? Trust is gone

bka

[font=gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif]2 weeks ago my relationship ended with my girlfriend. She ended it. We were together for 5 years (I'm 24).[/font]

The problems started 7 months ago.

I started working for an employer 32 hours a week. Besides that I invested my time in my own business. I was working 65+ hours a week. Literally every hour I had, I spent on work.  We only saw eachother in the weekend for like 4 - 7 hours. I told her it was for just a short period of time (6 months) and she said she understanded it.

In the same time she wanted to live on herself. So she searched for a house and got it after a few months.

We talked about living together a few times over Whatsapp, but I refused/didn't take it seriously. I never thought about it seriously. I live with my parents and have no costs, it's easy. This way I can save me some money. She understood that.

Alltogether I neglected everything.
- My friends: never saw them anymore.
- My parents: I never had a good/normal conversation with them anymore.
- My girlfriend: not gave her the attention she deserves.
- Myself: I'am unhappy with the way i live my life. I want more free time but I don't give it myself.

My life went this way because I had such a strong mission: setting up my own business. 

Now, in the end, I don't think it's worth it. 

[font=gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif]She was showing signs that she didn't get enough attention. But all the communication we had was over WhatsApp. And when we did see together we never had deep conversation. This made it very hard for me to take it serious, I can be very rude on Whatsapp.[/font]

2 weeks ago she was in doubt/didn't want to make the decision. But in the end she broke the relationship.  We didn't had a very good conversation before the breakup, so I asked if she wanted to talk 1 more time indepth about all the problems. She said she is willing to do that but more for my interest. She is holding back because she said that she could get the feeling to work on it again if we both see that there is a solution. But she is tired of working on the relationship.

A few days after the break up I went over to her home and did everything for her: cleaning the house, cooking, etc. Tasks I never did. And last saturday we spend a night together at a firework show. But just as 'friends', we still do have fun together but she acts detached.

She can hold her pokerface so well to everybody (Normaly I'm the strong man in the relationship).

Especialy on Whatsapp. So 2 days ago I told her I want rest and don't want to talk to her anymore so I can get my sh*t together. Since then we only have changed a few sentences about some practical things. This Thursday she is dropping of my stuff and I give her stuff back, including the keys of her house.

A week after the break up she asked me if I wanted to join her  birthday the 26th. So thats in 14 days. But I'm now having my no-contact-rule.

I'm still very in love with her. And I now finaly see what I did wrong, I've never seen that. I want to do everything to get her back. I know that I have to change first.  [font=gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif] [/font]

[font=gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif]I asked her if I just work 40 hours a week and live together and spent more time with her, if that would be enough to sustain the relationship. She said just, but she doesn't see it happening. She has no faith and dont want to wait for change anymore. She is tired and want to rest. Which I can understand.  [font=gotham, helvetica, arial, sans-serif]She still loves me she said.[/font][/font]


But what are the right things I need to do? This uncertainty is killing me. Should I go to her birthday? Have a final conversation? Send her a letter? Just no contact and work on myself?

SusieBlue

A lot of your issues seem to be that you solely communicated with her on WhatsApp. Relationships need contact (face to face) to thrive.

Before deciding your next move, you need to weigh up what you want from this. Your relationship suffered because you gave her no attention and couldn't switch off from work.
So you need to come up with a solution to spend more time with her ie. reduce your hours, allocate one/two evenings a week to spend quality time together going on nice dates, and enjoying each other again.

Move out of your parents home to show your independence. Forget about living together until you establish a routine yourself (seeing friends etc) and improve your relationship.

You need to change your life in order for this relationship to work because at the moment, there is no balance and it is unhealthy.

bka

So you would say ask for a last conversation?

I'm thinking that too...

alberto67

It might be easier said than done, but perhaps you could aim to find a part time job instead of working full time so you can devote more time to your own business and relationship. Maybe your current employer would be willing to let you work part time.

I think you should go on a date with her and talk to her about the changes you would like to implement to make the relationship work.

You asked about the right things you need to do... You should ask her what she wants and see if you're willing to do it.

bka

Yes, I'm working part time at my employer now (24 hours a week), since 1 month. Januari 2017 my contract will end. But the time that I got extra I just spent extra on my own business. So in total I was working the same hours last month.
Thursday she is coming at my place to pack the stuff. I will ask her for 1 last conversation. In that conversation I tell her my story and show that I have already changed some things in my life (not working in weekends, more insight in my finances). In the end we want the same: be happy and have fun with dates. I dont just want her back, I want to be happier together forever.
Hopefully she wants to talk. If not, its over and I will ignore her and not come to her birthday. I hope she will give me 1 last chance.

meeeeh

I don't know op, you two are together since you were little more than kids. Sometimes people also grow apart. I can understand how your long working hours could be frustrating but that was not supposed to go on forever and she didn't give you much time. Are you sure there were not other issues in the relationship too? Think also how important is your business to you. Realistically to make a success out of it you will have to work long hours at the beginning.

I can't tell you what to do but suddenly doing all the house work hoping she will take you back isn't the solution. It doesn't resolve any issues around meeting friends, starting business and properly progressing relationship. I think you have to decide what you want in your life (and what will make you happy) and what you are prepared to sacrifice for it.

bka

"I think you have to decide what you want in your life (and what will make you happy) and what you are prepared to sacrifice for it."

I want to work less and have more fun. Already sent a message to my following on social media that I don't accept any new customers, and set a screen time lock on my PC in the weekend (friday night till monday morning).

But 3 months ago I already said that that this was something for just 1 year or so. She said she understood that. But clearly she couldn't handle it anymore and thought there was no ending in this.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't know if this relationship can be saved but can I give you one piece of advice for the future. Phones aren't just for Whatsapp. Perhaps if you'd spoken to her more often over the phone, rather than typing endless messages, it might have helped.

Paddy Cow

bka wrote: »

I want to work less and have more fun. Already sent a message to my following on social media that I don't accept any new customers, and set a screen time lock on my PC in the weekend (friday night till monday morning).

But 3 months ago I already said that that this was something for just 1 year or so. She said she understood that. But clearly she couldn't handle it anymore and thought there was no ending in this.

In your op you said you told her it was for 6 months and she understood. Which is it - 6 months? a year? or so? She wanted to move in together but you didn't take it seriously. You were rude to her on Whatsapp. You told her 2 days ago not to contact you as you "need to get your sh!t together" and now you're asking if you should have a last conversation with her!

You are not in the head space to be in a relationship and you should do yourself and this girl a favour and let her be. If a man was posting that his girlfriend was behaving as you are now, the advice would be to leave her as she is a "head wrecker". You didn't take the relationship seriously and messed her about. She has decided to end it and it's probably for the best. Work on yourself and decide what you want. I guarantee that if you were truly mad about this girl you wouldn't have let it get to this stage.