Help needed

LegacyUser

Hi,

as my username reads, I am currently going through a rough time at home with my partner of 10 years. My partner has been using weed (I dont use it but have no problems with it) since I met him but, while before it was an occasional thing that lasted a week or less, he has now been on it every day for the past two months straight. While on it, he cannot function, he can barely walks, he acts weird, makes no eye contact and I am unable to have a normal conversation with him. He does not use at night time, right before sleep time but I can easily find him off his head at 5 pm. He has started being late for work and I am afraid this wil eventually have an impact on his performance at his job. He is in total denial about it and does not admit that he is overdoing it. He actually blatantly denies to even be on it while he clearly is. I on the other hand have serious medical issues and have had major invasive surgery in April and I am due a new one in October so my stress levels are very high and It's not pleasant to work all day and come home to someone who can barely pronounce a 3 words sentence. I have also got some major family problems which I do try not to bring into the relationship. I have zero support from him, from cleaning up after himself to paying bills or even offering a shoulder to cry on. He lives his life and I live mine. I have had thoughts about counselling but do not see the point if he will not admit first he has got a problem. I am quite sure he will make me book an appointment and not even show up. I want to end the relationship and move out (This has been just the last straw after numerous incidents of broken trust) but I have been looking for a place to rent by myself and I am unable to find anything I would not have to dump over half of my paycheck on (I do know everyone is in the same boat). I am also terrified of my new upcoming surgery and having to face it alone so housesharing with strangers is not an option as I would be stuck home for a while and would need some assistance getting washed etc. My support network is close to none. I do have friends but everyone of them has their lives and their own problems to sort out which I do not feel I can add mine to. How do I get out of this? Do I suck it up and continue sharing with my ex to be (might be better than having to share with total strangers) and have my surgery hoping in a bit of support or do I run for the hills and postpone my surgery to a time where I will have a place to myself? I am really exhausted of the situation and have no one to turn to, any advice will be appreciated.

Xterminator

id personally think you should get your health sorted 1st them your relationship in that order.

i say this because you said you have acute health problems. however if the situation at home is contributing to these problems - then you may have to tackle it sooner rather than later.

do you have a relative/sibling/friedn whom you could couch surf for a few weeks while you get on your feet. Noone like this kind of solution but can you swallow your pride and do that, or is it somply not an option available to you?

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

id personally think you should get your health sorted 1st them your relationship in that order.

i say this because you said you have acute health problems. however if the situation at home is contributing to these problems - then you may have to tackle it sooner rather than later.

do you have a relative/sibling/friedn whom you could couch surf for a few weeks while you get on your feet. Noone like this kind of solution but can you swallow your pride and do that, or is it somply not an option available to you?

Hi op here. Thanks for your reply. I have no family in Ireland. Have got one sibling back home who I don't get on with. Only one of my friends rents her own studio and I doubt she would have room for me. The others are house sharing and don't feel I could ask them for anything. I have asked them for help to look for a new place, sometimes word of mouth can be a great help but so far nothing. I have been on daft till late last night and cannot see anything suitable. We also have a dog which I won't obviously be able to take with me and while I understand that's not the priority right now, it's a major upset for me. If my health was fine, I would have no problems house sharing even though I'm in that odd age range (late 30s) and most of the ads I'm seeing cater for late 20s- early 30s max. But with my health in total disarray I really need a bit of privacy, especially after the surgery. Apologies I'm not sure if I'm making sense here, really feeling all over the place!

LegacyUser

If you have confronted his behaviour and he hasn't improved it, it doesn't look like you have a relationship to work with and the only question about getting out should be "how?"
Whether you can continue to live with someone like this for short-term, pragmatic reasons is up to you, but personally I couldn't and regardless of what I had coming up, I would get away from someone who carried on like that. You don't have a partner, you have someone who is sharing the bills and causing you stress. I don't think you should be thinking about counselling for him, I think you should be considering it for yourself, to address the fact that you tolerate such poor behaviour from a "partner". If your partner of 10 years is going through operations an accompanying convalescence, you should be doing your best to support them, not letting them down at home and becoming another problem for them.

If postponing the surgery is an option, you might considered it while you make a better plan for your future.

Airyfairy12

Could you rent somewhere on your own for a couple months until after your surgery and youre back on your feet then look into getting a house share? It would be tight for a few months but it would only be temporary, other option could be to just stay put until after your surgery, your partner wont be much support but thats just how it is whether you stay or go he's not going to be much help either way. Atleast while youre there family and friends can come visit you and help out, you could also use that time to save up to move out when youre better.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here. thank you so much for your response. I cannot stay with family as my both my parents are gone and I only have one sibling I do not get on with. I have asked each one of my friends to let me know if they hear of anything in terms of free accommodation and I am doing my own research too but surprise surprise, it's extremely hard to find anything suitable. If I was not sick, I'd be happy to start again with house sharing even though the vast majority of ads cater for mid 20s or early 30s people max and I well out of this range (I am in my late 30s). The surgery I am having in OCT is a really sensitive one for a woman and I am absolutely dreading it. That's why I am terrified of imposing on anyone. No one wants someone who is sick on their couch, no one wants that kind of responsibility. My ex to be has been ok during previous surgeries so I am hoping that if I stick it out, I will be fine. On the other hand, his behaviour is causing me a lot of stress, so not sure if compromising my mental health ia s price I am willing to pay. When I tried to discuss what happened in the last 2 months with him, he says he understands I want to break up and could we not just keep living together if he promises to stay out of my way?? Absurd to say the least... as I said earlier on I have no problems with weed but this is getting out of control. I am very naive when it comes to drugs but I have started to suspect there may be more involved. I have never seen somebody rolling their eyes back while on the couch, slurring their speech, face white as a sheet, unable to walk properly, who was only on weed. I just know I cannot keep living like this, I have spoken to an EAP counsellor for the past few weeks and she keeps saying I should put myself first and avoid contact with any toxic and negative people, but it's kinda of hard to do when you live with one. When you cannot go to sleep because you are afraid they will fall asleep in their room with a smoke on and set the place on fire, or leave the balcony door wide open during the night or leave the cooker on. Only 2 days ago, I woke up to an almost flooded kitchen as the freezer door had been left open throughout the night. I have tried to engage his family for assistance but the aNswer was ' we will talk to him if he reaches out to us' GREAT HELP !

Airyfairy12

Yeah you need to get away from him, the stress that must be causing you can't be worth it.
Its hard to know what he's taking, what youve described could be similar to the effects of smoking heroin or something equally strong although that being said he could be just smoking high quantities of weed which would cause him to pass out/pull a whitey and would leave him incoherent.
Is he smoking indoors? I cant imagine the house is smelling too good, there's nothing worse than the smell of stale cannabis smoke. What he's doing is incredibly selfish.
What about asking him to leave? He's the one that wants to be feckless, maybe you should kick him out?